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In a message dated 4/15/03 9:08:18 PM, cottrellbentley@... writes:

<< Prepare yourself and I wish with everything in me that no one
has to deal with relatives that don't understand ever again. >>

My children will have relatives who don't understand if they have scheduled
cesareans, have baby showers featuring tons of baby bottles and sterlizing
equipment and put their babies in daycare within a few months.

Sometimes parents have beliefs they can't bend. And if to a grandparent
school seems right and good and the kids blow school right by, won't it be
like me saying, "Oh! COOL! I'll drive the baby to daycare for you and then
I'll go buy you a case of formula. That will be fun!"

Sandra

MARK and JULIE SOLICH

> Sometimes parents have beliefs they can't bend. And if to a grandparent
> school seems right and good and the kids blow school right by, won't it be
> like me saying, "Oh! COOL! I'll drive the baby to daycare for you and
then
> I'll go buy you a case of formula. That will be fun!"
>
> Sandra


A few years ago I was reading about unschooling and some adults who were
unschooled were asked whether they had plans to unschool/homeschool their
own children. Most of them thought that it required too much commitment on
their part and they weren't willing to make that commitment. I think I would
have real problems with my kids if they put their kids in daycare to
continue their careers. Actually, I know I would!

Julie


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sevenhavei

I think I would
> have real problems with my kids if they put their kids in daycare
to
> continue their careers. Actually, I know I would!
>
> Julie

Hi Julie,

You know, I have thought about things like this and I must tell you,
I have had those same feelings. Maybe not directly related to
schooling choices, but certainly hospital births, bottle feedings,
and so on. My children are all young, so I have a while to keep
fretting, ;), but as with any other parenting decisions I make and
any worries I have about 'how they will turn out', I just remind
myself that I will make the best, most informed decisions possible
and hope that my children can look back and see how much they
benefitted from those choices and hope they will emulate those
choices when they, too, become parents.

I know for myself, my parenting choices are directly related to
those of my parents, which were awful. I came away wanting to be
nothing like that and have done everything in my power to be aware
of those bad situations I faced as a child. Perhaps, and I hope
that, my children will come away feeling good about their childhood
and choose many of the same practices that led to their own
happiness.

I'd love to hear more on this from other list-moms who have older
teen and adult children now.

Jennifer

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In a message dated 4/16/03 12:50:14 AM, jmcseals@... writes:

<< I just remind

myself that I will make the best, most informed decisions possible

and hope that my children can look back and see how much they

benefitted from those choices and hope they will emulate those

choices when they, too, become parents. >>

My parents surely must have thought sending me to school and encouraging me
to stay there and go to college was the best choice they could have made.
Both of them were high school dropouts, but I finished college.

My dad died before I had children. My mom's still around but doesn't argue
with me or criticize me.

<I'd love to hear more on this from other list-moms who have older

teen and adult children now. >>

Kirby is very mature in and about relationships with friends and girlfriends.
I really don't think that he will hook up with anyone he didn't think would
be a good mom. He has NONE of the desperation and pressure to have a
girlfriend that he would have if he were in school. He has had a few, and is
still friends with them after.

Sunday he told his current girlfriend (who goes to Manzano High, for the
locals and ex-New-Mexicans) that he didn't want to go to the prom. She fell
into dramatic mode. Sent a friend over to tell him she was crying and to
come talk to her. (At a big public park full of people there for an SCA
fighter practice.) He said no, she should come back over here and talk!
She sent another friend.

She was doing something that to me was FULLY understandable and
recognizeable, from a high school girl point of view.

To Kirby it was bizarre and irrational behavior like they won't even put into
a sit com.

He's right!! Good for him!!

People trust him with their kids. A stranger trusted him with a baby for an
hour. I've heard he's exceptionally good with kids at the karate school and
during the gaming sessions he runs, currently Yu-Gi-Oh, on Monday evenings at
the gaming shop where he works.

I don't feel too worried about who he'll marry since I trust Kirby.

But I would separate from them before I would give them hell. (I hope I
would.)

I'd rather they privately did what they were going to do than that I
compromise my beliefs to help or approve of something that really wounded my
soul.

That's why I play devil's advocate about WHY parents and inlaws would be so
harsh and freaky sometimes.

Sandra

Stephanie Elms

> I know for myself, my parenting choices are directly related to
> those of my parents, which were awful. I came away wanting to be
> nothing like that and have done everything in my power to be aware
> of those bad situations I faced as a child. Perhaps, and I hope
> that, my children will come away feeling good about their childhood
> and choose many of the same practices that led to their own
> happiness.
>
I worry about this too! Interesting...I met a woman, 23 yo who is pregnant. Her ILs
were attachment parenting folks, her MIL was a LLL leader. She says that she is
researching everything and that they have some doubts about AP (family bed etc).
Mainly because her dh remembers being very upset when he started kindergarten.
He cried and his mother stayed with him for the first couple of days and then
pulled him out and kept him home for another year. He feels that he was sheltered
and that he should have been able to handle kindergarten at age 5 like the other kids.

I was able to talk with her about different kids having different personalities and
how it might have actually been *worse* for him if his mother had not been so
responsive to his needs. Was able to use my kids as an example (we did not start
the fb with my oldest until he was 1 year, he was in day care p/t until he was 2,
the youngest has never been to day care, slept with us from day 1 and definitely
has led a more "child-led" life) Jason (my oldest) is definitely more cautious,
more shy, more mommy centered. Kyle is my little independent guy. These are just
their personalities. I do not take credit/blame for creating them...this does not
mean that I do not have any influence on them, but I do believe that their fundamental
personality types were there when they were born.

I basically told her that there were tons of different ways to parent and that she
basically had to follow her heart and do what felt right to her for her child. That
there was no "right" way to parent and that her child would help her learn more
then any "expert". She has already found a LLL group that she really likes and her
MIL has given her great reading material. I just felt a little sad that it was her
dh that was causing her to question it when he was the one raised that way. I did
not get the impression that he was opposed to it, just that he had some concerns.

I do know that as the mom to 2 boys (and no more kids expected...dh was snipped last
week) I am hoping for wonderful DILs. And hoping that my boys don't regret how they
were raised. It doesn't seem like they will and I hope to keep talking about *why* I
parent the way I do. Maybe that will make the difference...I know that when I was a
kid, parenting was something that my parents just did...it was not something that
was really discussed with us....

Stephanie E. (who is still 171 messages behind but needs to get to bed!)