alternatives to spanking was Christians again
Mary
From: <CelticFrau@...>
<<I've been reading this whole conversation and it has really provided a lot
of
food for thought, especially the examples of how different religions view
spanking. Would anyone care to offer concrete examples of how they would
deal with a situation in ways other than spanking? A couple of examples:
You're in a store and your child wants something you don't have the money
for
or you don't think they need (candy, toy, etc) and they begin to throw a
tantrum. What would you do instead of spanking? Another...Child is asked
repeatedly to put their things away, they don't do it, and if told again
look
the parent in the face and say, "No!" And what about lying? (I am dealing
with this big time with one of my foster sons right now.) I really believe
in logical/natural consequences, as it takes punishment out of the picture
and instead puts the ball in the child's court...but lying is something I'm
having a hard time coming up with solutions on.>>
I guess it would depend on the circumstances as to what I would do. Is the
wanted object something big and expensive? Imean what does a candy bar cost?
A dollar or two. I would buy the kid a piece of candy. If it's something
large and costly, one can find ways for the child or parent to save up to
get it for the child. Work together on a goal. But I don't think that's what
you are talking about. I can say that I have never had a child throw a fit
in a store. Not for any reason. My children get a couple of dollars a week
to spend as they want. So they always have money of their own for things.
Buying them a candy bar is something I do when they ask. They go with me a
lot, sometimes they do ask, most times they don't. You have to look at the
whole picture. If the child is always denied, he's going to keep asking. Or
at least have feelings like what he wants isn't being considered.
If I ask my children to clean something up, they have the choice to say yes
or no. That's the way it works here. If I want it cleaned up bad enough, I
will do it myself. If they say no, it might be because there is so much.
Then my husband or I or one of the other children will help. That "no" child
will always then help. Joseph's room was a mess for weeks. Really no floor
space at all. My husband and I asked him to clean it up so my husband could
connect the dsl to his computer. Things had to be moved and there was no
room. It was so overwhelming to him he didn't want to bother. He started on
the floor some, and his dad went and helped him do a great job. They both
actually had fun and their bonding time.
Lying would be different as to the circumstances and how old the child was.
Not sure there's a general answer I would have.
Mary B
<<I've been reading this whole conversation and it has really provided a lot
of
food for thought, especially the examples of how different religions view
spanking. Would anyone care to offer concrete examples of how they would
deal with a situation in ways other than spanking? A couple of examples:
You're in a store and your child wants something you don't have the money
for
or you don't think they need (candy, toy, etc) and they begin to throw a
tantrum. What would you do instead of spanking? Another...Child is asked
repeatedly to put their things away, they don't do it, and if told again
look
the parent in the face and say, "No!" And what about lying? (I am dealing
with this big time with one of my foster sons right now.) I really believe
in logical/natural consequences, as it takes punishment out of the picture
and instead puts the ball in the child's court...but lying is something I'm
having a hard time coming up with solutions on.>>
I guess it would depend on the circumstances as to what I would do. Is the
wanted object something big and expensive? Imean what does a candy bar cost?
A dollar or two. I would buy the kid a piece of candy. If it's something
large and costly, one can find ways for the child or parent to save up to
get it for the child. Work together on a goal. But I don't think that's what
you are talking about. I can say that I have never had a child throw a fit
in a store. Not for any reason. My children get a couple of dollars a week
to spend as they want. So they always have money of their own for things.
Buying them a candy bar is something I do when they ask. They go with me a
lot, sometimes they do ask, most times they don't. You have to look at the
whole picture. If the child is always denied, he's going to keep asking. Or
at least have feelings like what he wants isn't being considered.
If I ask my children to clean something up, they have the choice to say yes
or no. That's the way it works here. If I want it cleaned up bad enough, I
will do it myself. If they say no, it might be because there is so much.
Then my husband or I or one of the other children will help. That "no" child
will always then help. Joseph's room was a mess for weeks. Really no floor
space at all. My husband and I asked him to clean it up so my husband could
connect the dsl to his computer. Things had to be moved and there was no
room. It was so overwhelming to him he didn't want to bother. He started on
the floor some, and his dad went and helped him do a great job. They both
actually had fun and their bonding time.
Lying would be different as to the circumstances and how old the child was.
Not sure there's a general answer I would have.
Mary B
[email protected]
In a message dated 4/11/2003 10:36:25 AM Central Daylight Time,
mummy124@... writes:
a much better job! etc.>
mummy124@... writes:
> <<I've been reading this whole conversation and it has really provided a lotI did learn an effective trick to older children who did the lay down>
> of
> food for thought, especially the examples of how different religions view
> spanking. Would anyone care to offer concrete examples of how they would
> deal with a situation in ways other than spanking? A couple of examples:
> You're in a store and your child wants something you don't have the money
> for
> or you don't think they need (candy, toy, etc) and they begin to throw a
> tantrum. What would you do instead of spanking?
>
> I guess all 3 of my kids have thrown a tantrum, great thing about them
> getting older, is I have a tendency to forget most of those things.
>
> When they put up a fuss for a candy bar lets say,
> I first had to evaluate if they were really hungry.
> If they were really young, I would just take them out of the store,
> or continue my shopping.
> on the floor tantrum or throw a fit in the toy section.and say hmmm....I really thought when you were crying, you were doing
> It was to watch them, standing by my cart, look at my watch occasionally
a much better job! etc.>
> ORis up!
> How much longer do you feel the need to do this? I have about 3 more
> minutes, so just go ahead and continue I will let you know when your time
> One of my kids, hated this theory. So, they just gave it up.[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
> Hope this helps,
> Linda
Mary
In a message dated 4/11/2003 10:36:25 AM Central Daylight Time,
mummy124@... writes:
<<I've been reading this whole conversation and it has really provided a lot
of
food for thought, especially the examples of how different religions view
spanking. Would anyone care to offer concrete examples of how they would
deal with a situation in ways other than spanking? A couple of examples:
You're in a store and your child wants something you don't have the money
for
or you don't think they need (candy, toy, etc) and they begin to throw a
tantrum. What would you do instead of spanking?>>
Just for the record, I didn't write this.
Mary B
mummy124@... writes:
<<I've been reading this whole conversation and it has really provided a lot
of
food for thought, especially the examples of how different religions view
spanking. Would anyone care to offer concrete examples of how they would
deal with a situation in ways other than spanking? A couple of examples:
You're in a store and your child wants something you don't have the money
for
or you don't think they need (candy, toy, etc) and they begin to throw a
tantrum. What would you do instead of spanking?>>
Just for the record, I didn't write this.
Mary B
sablehs
Mary <mummy124@...> wrote:
Just for the record, I didn't write this.
Mary B
lol it has happened to me so many times (on different lists) I figure whoever is paying attention will know.
Just another communication glitch brought to you by email. lol
tracy
---------------------------------
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Yahoo! Tax Center - File online, calculators, forms, and more
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Just for the record, I didn't write this.
Mary B
lol it has happened to me so many times (on different lists) I figure whoever is paying attention will know.
Just another communication glitch brought to you by email. lol
tracy
---------------------------------
Do you Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Tax Center - File online, calculators, forms, and more
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Robyn Coburn
<<A couple of examples:
You're in a store and your child wants something you don't have the
money
for or you don't think they need (candy, toy, etc) and they begin to
throw a tantrum.>>
I think there is a world of difference between not being able to afford
something, (a real reason for not buying) and the adult deciding the
child doesn’t *need* the item - which could be an arbitrary reason. In
the world where food is not restricted, then the candy question does not
come up.
I have been trying not to use the word “tantrum” - Non-Violent
Communication recommends avoiding judgmental words in favor of neutrally
descriptive language. Change your language, and you change your
thoughts. When Jayn has a desire that is beyond our financial means, I
explain that we can add it to her list, or look for it at the factory
outlet later, on sale (which we then follow through on of course). When
she cries and is upset, I comfort her, and sometimes I am able to
distract her by inviting her to help unload the buggy. Usually she just
needs to vent the feelings for a few moments. I find that if I let it
happen, with sympathy expressed, the sad feelings blow over. The desire
stays - she will say on a regular basis that she is “a little bit
upset” that she doesn’t have such-and-such a doll. Oh and the joy when
we are able to get it for her!!
Oh and usually I just don’t go down the toy aisle at the market unless
she specifically asks me to.
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
You're in a store and your child wants something you don't have the
money
for or you don't think they need (candy, toy, etc) and they begin to
throw a tantrum.>>
I think there is a world of difference between not being able to afford
something, (a real reason for not buying) and the adult deciding the
child doesn’t *need* the item - which could be an arbitrary reason. In
the world where food is not restricted, then the candy question does not
come up.
I have been trying not to use the word “tantrum” - Non-Violent
Communication recommends avoiding judgmental words in favor of neutrally
descriptive language. Change your language, and you change your
thoughts. When Jayn has a desire that is beyond our financial means, I
explain that we can add it to her list, or look for it at the factory
outlet later, on sale (which we then follow through on of course). When
she cries and is upset, I comfort her, and sometimes I am able to
distract her by inviting her to help unload the buggy. Usually she just
needs to vent the feelings for a few moments. I find that if I let it
happen, with sympathy expressed, the sad feelings blow over. The desire
stays - she will say on a regular basis that she is “a little bit
upset” that she doesn’t have such-and-such a doll. Oh and the joy when
we are able to get it for her!!
Oh and usually I just don’t go down the toy aisle at the market unless
she specifically asks me to.
Yahoo! Groups Sponsor
<http://us.ard.yahoo.com/M=249982.3083889.4452939.1728375/D=egroupweb/S=
1705081972:HM/A=1524963/R=0/*http:/hits.411web.com/cgi-bin/autoredir?cam
p=556&lineid=3083889∝=egroupweb&pos=HM>
<http://us.adserver.yahoo.com/l?M=249982.3083889.4452939.1728375/D=egrou
pmail/S=:HM/A=1524963/rand=822228023>
~~~~ Don't forget! If you change topics, change the subject line! ~~~~
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Fetteroll
on 4/11/03 6:22 PM, encadia@... at encadia@... wrote:
ice cream," and he pondered it and said "No, you're not hungry," or "How
about I get you a nice salad?"
understanding what you were trying to say to him, would it help if he said
those things to you? Or would it feel like he was saying "I don't care what
you're trying to tell me," or "What you want is ridiculous so stop it right
now."
Joyce
>> When they put up a fuss for a candy bar lets say,What if you were out with your husband and you said, "I feel like having an
>> I first had to evaluate if they were really hungry.
>> If they were really young, I would just take them out of the store,
>> or continue my shopping.
ice cream," and he pondered it and said "No, you're not hungry," or "How
about I get you a nice salad?"
> It was to watch them, standing by my cart, look at my watch occasionallyAnd if you were really upset that your husband wasn't listening or not
> and say hmmm....I really thought when you were crying, you were doing
> a much better job! etc.>
> OR
> How much longer do you feel the need to do this? I have about 3 more
> minutes, so just go ahead and continue I will let you know when your time
> is up!
understanding what you were trying to say to him, would it help if he said
those things to you? Or would it feel like he was saying "I don't care what
you're trying to tell me," or "What you want is ridiculous so stop it right
now."
Joyce