Robin Clevenger

From: <yhanley@...>
>>>It is easier said than done to shut my mother up. She has been the source
of many issues and therapists for both me and another sister of mine. >>>>

One thing I did was to make each of my parents a card (on Mother's Day and
Father's Day) that just told them all the things I appreciated about the way
they raised me. All the things I was grateful for. Of course, there's things
I don't agree with in their raising of me, but that's not the point. They
both really loved me and did what they thought was best. My mom breastfed me
in the 60's, my dad took me to the park to fly kites. That kind of thing. It
was really fun for me to remember all of that. I also think it helped my
parents to see that just because I choose to parent differently isn't a
condemnation of them.

Then, later, when my mom started interfering with my parenting, I turned to
her one day and said "You had your chance as a parent, and the result is me.
Only you can judge if that was successful or not <grin>. Now it's my turn to
parent, and I'm going to do some things differently. You can support me, you
can disagree with me (in your head, but not verbally in front of my kids),
or you can stay away from the grandkids." Those were, quite seriously, the
options. I'm not going to spend my life unschooling only to have my parents
try to shame my kids for not knowing their ABCs by age 3 or how to read by
6. Fortunately, it never came to that. That conversation was early on in the
process and it completely headed things off. I think my parents both know I
value them, but that DH and I have to decide what's right for our family.

<<<<The things is that...I don't know... it seems as if I am failing. I have
heard that it is not important for a child to read, or forced to read at 5,
I have a friend was a former public school teacher who homeschools her
children, tell me the same thing. Just go by when they are ready. But when
you have a mother who insists on this MUST be done by such and such an
age.....can you sense some issues here with me, lol.>>>>

That's really hard. I've seen mothers struggle with these kinds of issues on
many fronts - childbirth, breastfeeding, etc. I have been at births (as a
doula) where the laboring mom's mother was telling her she wouldn't be able
to have the baby without drugs. Fear is such a huge thing, and I think it
helps to acknowledge that the fear of the (older) parent is largely coming
from love. That doesn't make it productive though. Sometimes it's best to
just get away from it. In the case of birth, I've seen midwives ask the
mother to leave the room because her fear was interfering with the birth.
You can see it in real-time in birth, but in something like unschooling it's
so much more prolonged and harder to see. But that fear can still interfere.
I'd say do what you can do to either get your mom to shut up, or get away
from her fear. It might be coming from a place of love, but it can be
poisonous.

Blue Skies!
-Robin-

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In a message dated 4/8/03 8:53:52 AM, diamondair@... writes:

<< In the case of birth, I've seen midwives ask the

mother to leave the room because her fear was interfering with the birth.

You can see it in real-time in birth, but in something like unschooling it's

so much more prolonged and harder to see. But that fear can still interfere.
>>

And the mom isn't likely to secretly cut a deal with the emerging baby, but
once kids are out and verbal, just one trip for ice cream can give her the
opportunity to compromise what the mom has instilled as confidence and hope.
Just one laugh at an opportune moment (my own mother-in-law's specialty) can
cause a child to doubt his parents really know what they're doing. Luckily
for us, my mother-in-law has laughed too many hateful laughs and my kids came
to ignore her.

Sandra