Undoing the damage
[email protected]
In a message dated 4/7/03 7:06:02 AM Eastern Daylight Time,
sorcha-aisling@... writes:
unschooling at age 9. Damage was already done. I had never heard of
homeschooling until I had online access back in '96 or so. I didn't think I
could handle being her teacher. Didn't hear of unschooling until my dd was in
3rd grade. This morning I found an old file full of 3rd grade report cards,
school letters, and even notes I made preparing for another conference on how
to handle my misbehaving daughter. Double UGH. Is there anyway to undo the
damage? For so long I insisted that she behave and go to school and perform.
I can remember in 2nd grade the teacher would send home a daily
accountability note, and the tone of the whole evening was set on whether she
got a good note or bad, most times she never measured up. I was so worried
about how I looked as a parent who couldn't control her child. Ugh all over
again. Now that we have unschooled for over a year, and it all makes sense, I
worry about all the years that we forced schooling and learning and behaving.
It breaks my heart to hear other unschoolers on this list say their kids
never lie, they don't have to. Their kids are not afraid of punishment. My
daughter has been lying to me for years. I try so hard to just forgive
myself, I truly didn't know any better. But as the end of the school year
approaches, and she wants to go back next year to middle school, I can't help
but think it is a result of being in the system so long. She thinks she needs
schooling. She doesn't feel right "doing nothing" around here, and when she
does get into certain topics, she hardly finishes anything and calls herself
lazy and stupid. I have tried to explain learning happens all the time. How
can she trust me? After I sent her to school for so long and demanded
ridiculous things of her. I am not the same parent to my 3yo and 1yo that I
was to my 10yo, with attachment parenting and unschooling. I feel so guilty,
that I wasn't a good enough mother to her. How do we heal?
Ang
Unschooling mom to
Megan(10.5) Ashlyn(3.5) Christian(22mos)
<A HREF="http://hometown.aol.com/unolist/index.html">UNO Unschoolers Network of Ohio</A>
<A HREF="http://members.aol.com/megamom08/page1.html">My Links Page MEGAMOM08</A>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
sorcha-aisling@... writes:
> I wish more people looked into unschooling when they have babies insteadUgh. Me too. From someone who got it somewhere in the middle. We started
> of fourteen year olds that they don't know what to do with, and
> relationships they don't know how to repair.
>
> Sorcha
>
unschooling at age 9. Damage was already done. I had never heard of
homeschooling until I had online access back in '96 or so. I didn't think I
could handle being her teacher. Didn't hear of unschooling until my dd was in
3rd grade. This morning I found an old file full of 3rd grade report cards,
school letters, and even notes I made preparing for another conference on how
to handle my misbehaving daughter. Double UGH. Is there anyway to undo the
damage? For so long I insisted that she behave and go to school and perform.
I can remember in 2nd grade the teacher would send home a daily
accountability note, and the tone of the whole evening was set on whether she
got a good note or bad, most times she never measured up. I was so worried
about how I looked as a parent who couldn't control her child. Ugh all over
again. Now that we have unschooled for over a year, and it all makes sense, I
worry about all the years that we forced schooling and learning and behaving.
It breaks my heart to hear other unschoolers on this list say their kids
never lie, they don't have to. Their kids are not afraid of punishment. My
daughter has been lying to me for years. I try so hard to just forgive
myself, I truly didn't know any better. But as the end of the school year
approaches, and she wants to go back next year to middle school, I can't help
but think it is a result of being in the system so long. She thinks she needs
schooling. She doesn't feel right "doing nothing" around here, and when she
does get into certain topics, she hardly finishes anything and calls herself
lazy and stupid. I have tried to explain learning happens all the time. How
can she trust me? After I sent her to school for so long and demanded
ridiculous things of her. I am not the same parent to my 3yo and 1yo that I
was to my 10yo, with attachment parenting and unschooling. I feel so guilty,
that I wasn't a good enough mother to her. How do we heal?
Ang
Unschooling mom to
Megan(10.5) Ashlyn(3.5) Christian(22mos)
<A HREF="http://hometown.aol.com/unolist/index.html">UNO Unschoolers Network of Ohio</A>
<A HREF="http://members.aol.com/megamom08/page1.html">My Links Page MEGAMOM08</A>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Pamela Sorooshian
On Monday, April 7, 2003, at 06:47 AM, unolist@... wrote:
elders."
You had the BEST of intentions and that counts in childraising because
kids KNOW when they are loved and that is the most important thing to
them.
Heal by having a good life now. Even if she does go to middle school -
enjoy your time together when you have it. Enjoy the moment when you
pick her up from school - enjoy the car ride - enjoy the shopping for
clothes - enjoy whatever moments you have to connect. Be supportive of
what is important to her - even if it is not what you'd want. Enjoy
your time together. Look her in the eyes and tell her how much you love
her. Do that even if she's not being all that loving. Do it even if
she's disinterested. Do it even if she lies. If she's old enough to go
to middle school, she might be old enough to read the Teenage
Liberation Handbook and catch the unschooling spririt from that.
-pam
> I feel so guilty,"Young humans are designed to withstand incredible ineptitude in their
> that I wasn't a good enough mother to her. How do we heal?
elders."
You had the BEST of intentions and that counts in childraising because
kids KNOW when they are loved and that is the most important thing to
them.
Heal by having a good life now. Even if she does go to middle school -
enjoy your time together when you have it. Enjoy the moment when you
pick her up from school - enjoy the car ride - enjoy the shopping for
clothes - enjoy whatever moments you have to connect. Be supportive of
what is important to her - even if it is not what you'd want. Enjoy
your time together. Look her in the eyes and tell her how much you love
her. Do that even if she's not being all that loving. Do it even if
she's disinterested. Do it even if she lies. If she's old enough to go
to middle school, she might be old enough to read the Teenage
Liberation Handbook and catch the unschooling spririt from that.
-pam
Christina Morrissey
Hey Ang!
public school and so were my kids, the oldest through sixth grade until we
"discovered" homeschooling by medical necessity. It's my youngest, a
daughter, who was taken out at the end of 2nd grade, and who is now also
10, almost 11, who has had the hardest time adjusting. She misses the
company of all the kids, not the work frankly. We've been out of the
system for over three years now, but I heard the protests for months on
end. At first I had to remind her of all she would miss, like the field
trips, as well as all she would end up with that she would hate like the
homework, spelling, the math, etc. And I also knew that I just wasn't
going to give in. I also came to realize that she needed to have a little
more structure than my oldest kid. So I began looking around for classes
in things she enjoys like art etc, that would give her a feeling of
accomplishment and organization and structure and yet wouldn't overwhelm
her (or me!) as far as structure was concerned. This was/is very much an
ongoing process of exploration of comfort and discovery of why she
wasn't/isn't happy with what we were doing at home or what she felt
"school" could offer her. Get her out of the house and look into your city
park and rec classes as well as local homeschool coop groups.
The healing will take years....the guilt is something else...how were you
to know? I didn't? And I consider myself an educated, intelligent
woman. Give it a rest and yourself a break. Talk to your kid and be up
front. You don't have to carry the whole burden...it's her life too. Let
her share some of your concerns and ask her what she really want's from
"school," and explain why you don't want her there. I don't think it's
above her ability to understand.
Regards
Christina in Seattle
Mom to Travis (14) and Erin (10)
>[[ But as the end of the school year approaches, and she wants to go backYou did the best you could with what info you had at the time!! I was
>next year to middle school, I can't help but think it is a result of being
>in the system so long. She thinks she needs
>schooling. She doesn't feel right "doing nothing" around here, and when she
>does get into certain topics, she hardly finishes anything and calls herself
>lazy and stupid. I have tried to explain learning happens all the time. How
>can she trust me? After I sent her to school for so long and demanded
>ridiculous things of her. I am not the same parent to my 3yo and 1yo that I
>was to my 10yo, with attachment parenting and unschooling. I feel so guilty,
>that I wasn't a good enough mother to her. How do we heal? ]]
public school and so were my kids, the oldest through sixth grade until we
"discovered" homeschooling by medical necessity. It's my youngest, a
daughter, who was taken out at the end of 2nd grade, and who is now also
10, almost 11, who has had the hardest time adjusting. She misses the
company of all the kids, not the work frankly. We've been out of the
system for over three years now, but I heard the protests for months on
end. At first I had to remind her of all she would miss, like the field
trips, as well as all she would end up with that she would hate like the
homework, spelling, the math, etc. And I also knew that I just wasn't
going to give in. I also came to realize that she needed to have a little
more structure than my oldest kid. So I began looking around for classes
in things she enjoys like art etc, that would give her a feeling of
accomplishment and organization and structure and yet wouldn't overwhelm
her (or me!) as far as structure was concerned. This was/is very much an
ongoing process of exploration of comfort and discovery of why she
wasn't/isn't happy with what we were doing at home or what she felt
"school" could offer her. Get her out of the house and look into your city
park and rec classes as well as local homeschool coop groups.
The healing will take years....the guilt is something else...how were you
to know? I didn't? And I consider myself an educated, intelligent
woman. Give it a rest and yourself a break. Talk to your kid and be up
front. You don't have to carry the whole burden...it's her life too. Let
her share some of your concerns and ask her what she really want's from
"school," and explain why you don't want her there. I don't think it's
above her ability to understand.
Regards
Christina in Seattle
Mom to Travis (14) and Erin (10)
>317a32.jpg[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Betsy
**She doesn't feel right "doing nothing" around here, and when she
does get into certain topics, she hardly finishes anything and calls
herself
lazy and stupid. I have tried to explain learning happens all the time.
How
can she trust me? After I sent her to school for so long and demanded
ridiculous things of her. I am not the same parent to my 3yo and 1yo
that I
was to my 10yo, with attachment parenting and unschooling. I feel so
guilty,
that I wasn't a good enough mother to her. How do we heal? **
Hi, Ang --
My husband taught in a Middle School last year, and had 6th grade, 7th
grade and 8th grade students. I got to compare his efforts to cram
learning into them with our unschooling at home. Many of the school
kids hated school and had a big chip on their shoulders marked "you
can't make me learn." (I don't blame them a bit!)
I feel so sad that your daughter feels lazy and stupid.
I only have an 8 year old, so I'm not really good at guessing how
philosophical a 10 year old can be. Can you have useful discussions
with her about how learning works, or is the topic too complex, or too painful?
As mentioned yesterday, I really, really like the beginning of Grace
Llewellyn's Teenage Liberation Handbook. (And I think it's suitable for
reading aloud to children.) Maybe you could request it from the library
or find a copy to borrow from someone in your homeschooling group if
money is an issue. (It is for me.)
I also think the part of Frank Smith's book, The Book of Learning and
Forgetting, that explains the "forgetting curve" is cool and insightful.
This whole book used to be available online, but I don't currently have
a link.
I also want to ask, does Megan's father believe in unschooling? Does he
believe in her innate intelligence? That's awfully important.
Betsy
PS Meeting other relaxed homeschoolers can be really validating for a
child, especially one who is social or group-oriented in the way she
makes decisions. A kid who wants to be like other people. (Some don't care.)
does get into certain topics, she hardly finishes anything and calls
herself
lazy and stupid. I have tried to explain learning happens all the time.
How
can she trust me? After I sent her to school for so long and demanded
ridiculous things of her. I am not the same parent to my 3yo and 1yo
that I
was to my 10yo, with attachment parenting and unschooling. I feel so
guilty,
that I wasn't a good enough mother to her. How do we heal? **
Hi, Ang --
My husband taught in a Middle School last year, and had 6th grade, 7th
grade and 8th grade students. I got to compare his efforts to cram
learning into them with our unschooling at home. Many of the school
kids hated school and had a big chip on their shoulders marked "you
can't make me learn." (I don't blame them a bit!)
I feel so sad that your daughter feels lazy and stupid.
I only have an 8 year old, so I'm not really good at guessing how
philosophical a 10 year old can be. Can you have useful discussions
with her about how learning works, or is the topic too complex, or too painful?
As mentioned yesterday, I really, really like the beginning of Grace
Llewellyn's Teenage Liberation Handbook. (And I think it's suitable for
reading aloud to children.) Maybe you could request it from the library
or find a copy to borrow from someone in your homeschooling group if
money is an issue. (It is for me.)
I also think the part of Frank Smith's book, The Book of Learning and
Forgetting, that explains the "forgetting curve" is cool and insightful.
This whole book used to be available online, but I don't currently have
a link.
I also want to ask, does Megan's father believe in unschooling? Does he
believe in her innate intelligence? That's awfully important.
Betsy
PS Meeting other relaxed homeschoolers can be really validating for a
child, especially one who is social or group-oriented in the way she
makes decisions. A kid who wants to be like other people. (Some don't care.)
Tia Leschke
> I also think the part of Frank Smith's book, The Book of Learning andThere's a pretty good overview of the book here.
> Forgetting, that explains the "forgetting curve" is cool and insightful.
> This whole book used to be available online, but I don't currently have
> a link.
http://www.swedishknives.com/smith/index.html
Tia
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
saftety deserve neither liberty nor safety." Ben Franklin
leschke@...