coersion???
[email protected]
OK..so now I have the idea of attachment parenting down..and am
happy to know that this is somewhat of a natural occurance for me..
So now I have another question for you all..Recently coercion parenting
was brought up..now..as you know I have an almost 3 yo son..Benjamin
Still very much a toddler..ofcourse..what else would he be...
My way of dealing with situations which need guidance is to give him
choices...(they are not exactly choices) ie. Either you stop lying on the
rabbit or I'll have to put him away..or ..If you don't cooperate while I
change your diaper, you'll go to bed naked...Stuff like that...Now is that
considered coersion?? I would hate to be labled in such a manner...and if
that be the case, does anyone know of other ways to guide our youngsters
thru the general rights and wrongs???..???
Eileen
ps..not that I should be worrying about being labeled...but I would like
raise my son as naturally and kindly as possible, whithout ofcourse hurting
the rabbit, dog, cats, ducks or himself in the process..
happy to know that this is somewhat of a natural occurance for me..
So now I have another question for you all..Recently coercion parenting
was brought up..now..as you know I have an almost 3 yo son..Benjamin
Still very much a toddler..ofcourse..what else would he be...
My way of dealing with situations which need guidance is to give him
choices...(they are not exactly choices) ie. Either you stop lying on the
rabbit or I'll have to put him away..or ..If you don't cooperate while I
change your diaper, you'll go to bed naked...Stuff like that...Now is that
considered coersion?? I would hate to be labled in such a manner...and if
that be the case, does anyone know of other ways to guide our youngsters
thru the general rights and wrongs???..???
Eileen
ps..not that I should be worrying about being labeled...but I would like
raise my son as naturally and kindly as possible, whithout ofcourse hurting
the rabbit, dog, cats, ducks or himself in the process..
[email protected]
Giving choices is good but sometimes they are hard to come up with. Just
remember a rule is they need to have LOGICAL or NATURAL consequences. Never
give a child a choice you yourself cannot follow through with. I am not
picking but the one mentioned was he would go to bed without a diaper. The
answer you might get is OK mom no diaper for me. Can you live with that. We
always have the problem with being consistent and following through. If you
say it, you need to mean it, and complete it, whatever it is.
I usually saw something that our son Sam (5) was doing to the dog and I would
find my first reaction to scream across the room. But I need to stop and
look and see where I can get his attention and not his anger. If you can
calmly come to his level and touch him gently and find out what you can do to
help him play better with the animals. Let them give you ideas. If they are
too young to verbalize then you give him suggestions. Try not to over
verbalize a situation because they can only handle so much info before they
turn off. Try other questions then WHY? Even an adult usually cannot come
up with a reason of why they did something. The reason is usually too
complex.
Remember if your cup is empty you cannot fill your children's cups. Give
yourself what you need so when you come to your children's needs you are not
at the end of your rope. When you are calm and happy you can give more to
others.
Sorry for such a long post but you spoke of a point I feel very strong about.
Stephanie
Some books and sites:
_________________________
La Leche League has some information on what they call Loving Guidance.
<A HREF="http://www.lalecheleague.org/">Click here: La Leche League
International--Breastfeeding Information</A>
http://www.lalecheleague.org/
____________________________
Also there is information from a study group that is called Redirecting
Children's Behavior (RCB) <A HREF="http://www.positiveparenting.com/">Click
here: POSITIVE PARENTING (ON-LINE!)</A>
http://www.positiveparenting.com/
________________________________________
Love & Limits: Guidance Tools for Creative Parenting
by Elizabeth Crary
This guide to the principles of loving guidance includes many concrete
examples. Helps parents look for good behavior, avoid problems, acknowledge
feelings, set limits, and teach new skills.
Softcover, 48 pages $6.95
<A
HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1884734049/qid%3D949853896/102-64
64926-8956807">Click here: Amazon.com: buying info: Love & Limits : Guidance
Tools for Creative Parenting</A>
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1884734049/qid%3D949853896/102-6464926-
8956807
_____________________________
<A HREF="http://www.positiveparenting.com/avstore.html">Click here: POSITIVE
PARENTING BOOKSTORE</A>
http://www.positiveparenting.com/avstore.html
______________________________________________
REDIRECTING CHILDREN'S BEHAVIOR
by Kathryn Kvols
<A HREF="http://www.positiveparenting.com/book01.html">Click here:
REDIRECTING CHILDREN'S BEHAVIOR</A>
http://www.positiveparenting.com/book01.html
___________________________________________
remember a rule is they need to have LOGICAL or NATURAL consequences. Never
give a child a choice you yourself cannot follow through with. I am not
picking but the one mentioned was he would go to bed without a diaper. The
answer you might get is OK mom no diaper for me. Can you live with that. We
always have the problem with being consistent and following through. If you
say it, you need to mean it, and complete it, whatever it is.
I usually saw something that our son Sam (5) was doing to the dog and I would
find my first reaction to scream across the room. But I need to stop and
look and see where I can get his attention and not his anger. If you can
calmly come to his level and touch him gently and find out what you can do to
help him play better with the animals. Let them give you ideas. If they are
too young to verbalize then you give him suggestions. Try not to over
verbalize a situation because they can only handle so much info before they
turn off. Try other questions then WHY? Even an adult usually cannot come
up with a reason of why they did something. The reason is usually too
complex.
Remember if your cup is empty you cannot fill your children's cups. Give
yourself what you need so when you come to your children's needs you are not
at the end of your rope. When you are calm and happy you can give more to
others.
Sorry for such a long post but you spoke of a point I feel very strong about.
Stephanie
Some books and sites:
_________________________
La Leche League has some information on what they call Loving Guidance.
<A HREF="http://www.lalecheleague.org/">Click here: La Leche League
International--Breastfeeding Information</A>
http://www.lalecheleague.org/
____________________________
Also there is information from a study group that is called Redirecting
Children's Behavior (RCB) <A HREF="http://www.positiveparenting.com/">Click
here: POSITIVE PARENTING (ON-LINE!)</A>
http://www.positiveparenting.com/
________________________________________
Love & Limits: Guidance Tools for Creative Parenting
by Elizabeth Crary
This guide to the principles of loving guidance includes many concrete
examples. Helps parents look for good behavior, avoid problems, acknowledge
feelings, set limits, and teach new skills.
Softcover, 48 pages $6.95
<A
HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1884734049/qid%3D949853896/102-64
64926-8956807">Click here: Amazon.com: buying info: Love & Limits : Guidance
Tools for Creative Parenting</A>
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1884734049/qid%3D949853896/102-6464926-
8956807
_____________________________
<A HREF="http://www.positiveparenting.com/avstore.html">Click here: POSITIVE
PARENTING BOOKSTORE</A>
http://www.positiveparenting.com/avstore.html
______________________________________________
REDIRECTING CHILDREN'S BEHAVIOR
by Kathryn Kvols
<A HREF="http://www.positiveparenting.com/book01.html">Click here:
REDIRECTING CHILDREN'S BEHAVIOR</A>
http://www.positiveparenting.com/book01.html
___________________________________________
[email protected]
Another good source for parenting is a series of books by Louise Bates Ames
She has them on each age
Just a few are called:
Your 2 Year Old: Terrible or Tender
Your Four-Year-Old: Wild and Wonderful
Your Five-Year-Old: Sunny and Serene
Your Seven-Year-Old: Life in a Minor Key
<A
HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/Author=Ames%2C%20Louise%20Bates/102-64
64926-8956807">Click here: Amazon.com - Query Results</A>
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/Author=Ames%2C%20Louise%20Bates/102-6464926-
8956807
She has them on each age
Just a few are called:
Your 2 Year Old: Terrible or Tender
Your Four-Year-Old: Wild and Wonderful
Your Five-Year-Old: Sunny and Serene
Your Seven-Year-Old: Life in a Minor Key
<A
HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/Author=Ames%2C%20Louise%20Bates/102-64
64926-8956807">Click here: Amazon.com - Query Results</A>
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/Author=Ames%2C%20Louise%20Bates/102-6464926-
8956807
Thad Martin
hi,
have you tried asking him why he's 'lying on the rabbit' or telling him he
can lay on a stuffed animal and give him one but he cannot lay on a real one
because it will hurt him and even tell him why - turn it in to a teaching
moment he can learn about the skeleton etc. you can also show him what it
feels like to have something really big lay on him, maybe he just needs more
physical - rough housing- stuff in his life. also with situations like a
diapering ask him what he would rather be doing than having is diaper put
on. it sounds like he just wants to play and wrestle.
we run into all these kinds of situations with our son (4) and he seems to
really enjoy all the different approaches often a good 5 or10 minute wrestle
will get him calm enough to cooperate or a logical reason why there is a
limitation (sometime the reason needs to be acted out:) i really think
if we
cooperate with our kids they cooperate with us but we have to go first :)
perhaps if you shifted your focus from 'giving choices' (which will naturally
show themselves) to mutual cooperation the element of coercion may be
removed. but the best thing i've found is out and out silliness it works
nearly (nothing's a sure thing:) every time and it makes life fun.
-susan
austin,tx
jazballard@... wrote:
have you tried asking him why he's 'lying on the rabbit' or telling him he
can lay on a stuffed animal and give him one but he cannot lay on a real one
because it will hurt him and even tell him why - turn it in to a teaching
moment he can learn about the skeleton etc. you can also show him what it
feels like to have something really big lay on him, maybe he just needs more
physical - rough housing- stuff in his life. also with situations like a
diapering ask him what he would rather be doing than having is diaper put
on. it sounds like he just wants to play and wrestle.
we run into all these kinds of situations with our son (4) and he seems to
really enjoy all the different approaches often a good 5 or10 minute wrestle
will get him calm enough to cooperate or a logical reason why there is a
limitation (sometime the reason needs to be acted out:) i really think
if we
cooperate with our kids they cooperate with us but we have to go first :)
perhaps if you shifted your focus from 'giving choices' (which will naturally
show themselves) to mutual cooperation the element of coercion may be
removed. but the best thing i've found is out and out silliness it works
nearly (nothing's a sure thing:) every time and it makes life fun.
-susan
austin,tx
jazballard@... wrote:
> From: jazballard@...
>
> OK..so now I have the idea of attachment parenting down..and am
> happy to know that this is somewhat of a natural occurance for me..
> So now I have another question for you all..Recently coercion parenting
> was brought up..now..as you know I have an almost 3 yo son..Benjamin
> Still very much a toddler..ofcourse..what else would he be...
> My way of dealing with situations which need guidance is to give him
> choices...(they are not exactly choices) ie. Either you stop lying on the
> rabbit or I'll have to put him away..or ..If you don't cooperate while I
> change your diaper, you'll go to bed naked...Stuff like that...Now is that
> considered coersion?? I would hate to be labled in such a manner...and if
> that be the case, does anyone know of other ways to guide our youngsters
> thru the general rights and wrongs???..???
> Eileen
> ps..not that I should be worrying about being labeled...but I would like
> raise my son as naturally and kindly as possible, whithout ofcourse hurting
> the rabbit, dog, cats, ducks or himself in the process..
>
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Tom & Nanci Kuykendall
but the best thing i've found is out and out silliness it works
Nanci K.
>nearly (nothing's a sure thing:) every time and it makes life fun.I've found this as well. :-)
>
>-susan
>austin,tx
Nanci K.