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I don't try to cheer my dh up when he seems like he's grumpy because things
are getting out of control. I try to understand the source of his
frustration and tend to that. That helps in bringing him back to his sweet,
gentle self.


That is what I was getting at, Mary. To appease is not to address the
problem, but to offer the same emotional support and respect as I do to my
kids or any one else I know seems to be the way. I found that I (this is not
Connie's story necessarily, only my own) tended to expect him to operate in a
vacuum, on his own, when it suddenly occured to me that he also had
struggles. His parents did not do a bang-up job with his emotional dev. as a
kid, to say the least. I have felt closer to him as a result of this, and I
believe it sends the kids more of a message of respect for others when I
offer it to my husband. This does not mean that I let him bulldoze me or the
little guys.
Connie, it sounds like you have a huge crisis on your hands. I really feel
for you, and it sounds like your partner is not able to hear what you are
trying to say or do.
I really hope you have some support around you, and are able to get through
this with your self and kids somewhat intact!!
Thinking of you, from far away!
Nancy in BC


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In a message dated 3/19/03 9:09:21 AM, LOWRIEK@... writes:

<< I don't try to cheer my dh up when he seems like he's grumpy because
things
are getting out of control. I try to understand the source of his
frustration and tend to that. >>

If the source of his frustration SEEMS to be unschooling or the kids being
awake, or existing, how do you tend to that though?

MAYBE, just like a kid, he's hungry, tired or sick. Maybe he wants time to
talk to his wife alone about how yucky work was. Maybe he's wanting the den
to watch a DVD he doesn't want to share with the kids for some reason.

My recommendation was to see to HIS needs and see whether when he's more
comfortable being him, he'll be more generous with letting others be them too.

Maybe that's the same thing in differerent words. By "cheer up" I didn't
mean show him a magic flower trick, or tell him a joke, but to give him a
chance to communicate about his own needy self instead of projecting all over
the family.

Sandra

zenmomma *

>>Maybe that's the same thing in differerent words.>>

Yup. :o)

>>By "cheer up" I didn't mean show him a magic flower trick, or tell him a
>>joke, but to give him a chance to communicate about his own needy self
>>instead of projecting all over the family.>>

Thanks for explaining it further. I definitely had a different picture of
cheering up that was more temporary in nature.

Life is good.
~Mary

"The miracle is not to walk on water. The miracle is to walk on the green
earth, dwelling deeply in the present moment and feeling truly alive."

~ Thich Nhat Hanh




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In a message dated 19/03/2003 09:34:07 Pacific Standard Time,
SandraDodd@... writes:


> Maybe that's the same thing in differerent words. By "cheer up" I didn't
> mean show him a magic flower trick, or tell him a joke, but to give him a
> chance to communicate about his own needy self instead of projecting all
> over
> the family.
>

That was what I got from your statement, and was the way I meant it also, I
wonder why it took me so many years to figure out that he had needs also, I
feel really badly about that. It has made a difference for us since I did
start to get it!
Nancy, somewhat oblivious in BC


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