parenting dilemmas
kayb85
Every once in awhile I run into a dilemma and I say to myself, "I
wonder how those ladies at unschooling.com would handle this?" lol
So here are two recent dilemmas I've had. I'm not c happy with the
way I handled them but couldn't figure out a better way. I'm sure
someone here can help me learn from my mistakes.
First situation:
My boys, ages 5 and 3, fight fiercely. They call each other stupid
all the time. If I ask my 5 year old why he hurt his brother, his
answer is often "Because he's stupid". I've tried naming his
feelings for him but he doesn't want to hear it most of the time.
Yesterday he brought me a piece of paper and asked me to write "Luke
is stupid" for him. I told him that I wouldn't, and I told him I
don't want to write things that aren't true, and that it's not true
that Luke is stupid". So he asked me to write "Luke is nice" for
him and I did. A few minutes later he came with a piece of paper
and asked me to write just the word stupid. Now I KNEW he was up to
something, but I wrote it anyway. He took it and copied stupid
under the word nice that I had written in my sentence for him. And
he paraded the paper in front of his brother, telling him that mommy
wrote Luke is nice but he changed nice to stupid. And of course it
resulted in them beating each other up--Luke scratching his face,
Matt pounding him with his fists until I pried them apart and made
them stop fighting.
Second situation:
My daughter (9) was invited to a friend's house today, and at the
last minute decided that she was nervous about going and asked me to
stay with her for a few minutes at their house. I told her that I
would, but my 5 year old heard me and declared that he would NOT
go.
I told him that I would call his Nanny (grandmother) and ask if he
could stay with her, and he said no. So I asked him if he would
like me to call her and see if she could come here so he wouldn't
have to leave the house and he said no, but my 3 year old said he
would like that. I called her, but she said that they're welcome to
come there but she couldn't come here. I told her ok. My 5 year
old was very upset. I could barely get his socks and shoes on him
and I could barely get him to the van. We got to their Nanny's
house and he wouldn't get out of the car and the 3 year old didn't
want to stay by himself, so I apologized to Nanny and drove my
daughter to her friend's house.
I apologized to my daughter and told her that I couldn't stay with
her and that this was something she would just have to do on her
own. She was upset about me not staying with her like I promised
but at least she did stay--she often cries when I have to leave her
and she didn't this time. She saw everything I had to go through to
get her brothers into the car and even though I didn't say anything
about it, the stress must have been showing on my face. (I don't
think I've adequately explained the HUGE struggle it was to get my 5
year old into that car) She told me, "I'm sorry to have caused you
so much trouble" and she broke my heart. I really wanted to be
there for her and stay with her at her friend's house but I
absolutely could not. And now I'm feeling like there must be
something I could have done differently. :(
I'm opening myself up for any and all suggestions and constructive
criticisms!
Sheila
wonder how those ladies at unschooling.com would handle this?" lol
So here are two recent dilemmas I've had. I'm not c happy with the
way I handled them but couldn't figure out a better way. I'm sure
someone here can help me learn from my mistakes.
First situation:
My boys, ages 5 and 3, fight fiercely. They call each other stupid
all the time. If I ask my 5 year old why he hurt his brother, his
answer is often "Because he's stupid". I've tried naming his
feelings for him but he doesn't want to hear it most of the time.
Yesterday he brought me a piece of paper and asked me to write "Luke
is stupid" for him. I told him that I wouldn't, and I told him I
don't want to write things that aren't true, and that it's not true
that Luke is stupid". So he asked me to write "Luke is nice" for
him and I did. A few minutes later he came with a piece of paper
and asked me to write just the word stupid. Now I KNEW he was up to
something, but I wrote it anyway. He took it and copied stupid
under the word nice that I had written in my sentence for him. And
he paraded the paper in front of his brother, telling him that mommy
wrote Luke is nice but he changed nice to stupid. And of course it
resulted in them beating each other up--Luke scratching his face,
Matt pounding him with his fists until I pried them apart and made
them stop fighting.
Second situation:
My daughter (9) was invited to a friend's house today, and at the
last minute decided that she was nervous about going and asked me to
stay with her for a few minutes at their house. I told her that I
would, but my 5 year old heard me and declared that he would NOT
go.
I told him that I would call his Nanny (grandmother) and ask if he
could stay with her, and he said no. So I asked him if he would
like me to call her and see if she could come here so he wouldn't
have to leave the house and he said no, but my 3 year old said he
would like that. I called her, but she said that they're welcome to
come there but she couldn't come here. I told her ok. My 5 year
old was very upset. I could barely get his socks and shoes on him
and I could barely get him to the van. We got to their Nanny's
house and he wouldn't get out of the car and the 3 year old didn't
want to stay by himself, so I apologized to Nanny and drove my
daughter to her friend's house.
I apologized to my daughter and told her that I couldn't stay with
her and that this was something she would just have to do on her
own. She was upset about me not staying with her like I promised
but at least she did stay--she often cries when I have to leave her
and she didn't this time. She saw everything I had to go through to
get her brothers into the car and even though I didn't say anything
about it, the stress must have been showing on my face. (I don't
think I've adequately explained the HUGE struggle it was to get my 5
year old into that car) She told me, "I'm sorry to have caused you
so much trouble" and she broke my heart. I really wanted to be
there for her and stay with her at her friend's house but I
absolutely could not. And now I'm feeling like there must be
something I could have done differently. :(
I'm opening myself up for any and all suggestions and constructive
criticisms!
Sheila
Heidi Wordhouse-Dykema
This is a toughie and it's something we've worked on avoiding with our own
kids. (and its' worked!) So, know that it IS possible to have kids who
don't torment each other. It's not something that you can just
plug-in-and-play, but is rather a paradigm shift in how you think about
relationships. I don't know you, and I don't know your kids, so I'm just
going to throw stuff out there to be thought about.
Firstly, you've read and ingested and re-read Adelle Fabers' books,
right? The whole 'learn to talk so kids will listen' thing? It's really
helped us out with learning how to talk with our kids and identifying
subtly aggressive behavior, which means we can deal with it.
Secondly, do some work on self-assertiveness for Yourself. I'm wondering
if sometimes it's difficult for you to say when something is not feeling
right for you and sitting that child down to peacefully talk it over with
them so you can understand WHY they want to write that their brother is
stupid and WHY they were trying to trick you into doing something you
didn't want to do (ie, write that the brother was stupid) and thereby
facilitating the other brother's being mean to the younger brother. I
mean, there's a Whole LOT of discussion that needs to go on about that with
the child in question (and not in a mean way, but in a gently inquisitive
way, to find out what they're thinking and how they got to think that
way.) Then you both/all need to talk about how it's making you, the mommy,
feel.
I'd also suggest doing some work on family inter-dependence, that is,
emphasizing how one family member can be affected by another family member
because of the love within the family and talking about it with great
concern for BOTH parties (because after all, if family won't stick up for
or care for family, what's left?) If one child 'doesn't want to hear it',
maybe say, "I am very sad when you hurt my family and I need to talk with
you about it. Hurting your brother makes my heart cry. I'm tired of
being hurt and I need you to stop. I don't know how to stop feeling the
hurt. Will you help me?"
Do you think some of it is that the middle (and teasing) child is looking
for more attention from you? If so, maybe make some dedicated time for
just Mom-and-middle-child, say 10 or 15 minutes solid when NOTHING will
pull you away from talking to him and playing with him, and doing whatever
he wants to do. If another child needs you, tell them that you're with
this child now and you'll be there in a while. Ignore the phone.
Etc. Just you and he, every day, for a certain time (and this goes for
EACH of the children.)
As for the daughter, I'd have told the 3 year old that he didn't have to go
inside, but that his sister was scared about being alone does he remember
how it feels when he is scared? Well, he and mommy are going to help her
be not so scared and if he didn't want to go inside, then he could stay in
the car (with the windows cracked) but that you were going inside to help
sister feel not so scared and would watch him from the window. Ask him
Does he want to bring a book or a toy for the car? Then I'd plop myself in
the front window where I'd be with my daughter and could wave (and make
funny faces) to my son, out in the car. Maybe make it focus on taking care
of (and relating to) someone else when they're feeling badly.
Which reminds me, we have a tradition of, "if you cause the pain, you take
care of it 'tll it's gone." If I hurt someone, I need to stay with that
someone until they're okay again, and take care of them and get them ice or
hugs or whatever they need to be okay again. This goes for physical as
well as emotional owies and it gives people a way to stop being the
'meanie' and become the 'caring person'. No Guilt. No
recriminations. Just taking care. You've got to help them do it (sweetly)
the first few times, but later on, they'll generally move to do it on their
own.
Good luck. There's so much more, but without knowing your kids, I'd be
whistling into the wind more than I am already!
HeidiWD
kids. (and its' worked!) So, know that it IS possible to have kids who
don't torment each other. It's not something that you can just
plug-in-and-play, but is rather a paradigm shift in how you think about
relationships. I don't know you, and I don't know your kids, so I'm just
going to throw stuff out there to be thought about.
Firstly, you've read and ingested and re-read Adelle Fabers' books,
right? The whole 'learn to talk so kids will listen' thing? It's really
helped us out with learning how to talk with our kids and identifying
subtly aggressive behavior, which means we can deal with it.
Secondly, do some work on self-assertiveness for Yourself. I'm wondering
if sometimes it's difficult for you to say when something is not feeling
right for you and sitting that child down to peacefully talk it over with
them so you can understand WHY they want to write that their brother is
stupid and WHY they were trying to trick you into doing something you
didn't want to do (ie, write that the brother was stupid) and thereby
facilitating the other brother's being mean to the younger brother. I
mean, there's a Whole LOT of discussion that needs to go on about that with
the child in question (and not in a mean way, but in a gently inquisitive
way, to find out what they're thinking and how they got to think that
way.) Then you both/all need to talk about how it's making you, the mommy,
feel.
I'd also suggest doing some work on family inter-dependence, that is,
emphasizing how one family member can be affected by another family member
because of the love within the family and talking about it with great
concern for BOTH parties (because after all, if family won't stick up for
or care for family, what's left?) If one child 'doesn't want to hear it',
maybe say, "I am very sad when you hurt my family and I need to talk with
you about it. Hurting your brother makes my heart cry. I'm tired of
being hurt and I need you to stop. I don't know how to stop feeling the
hurt. Will you help me?"
Do you think some of it is that the middle (and teasing) child is looking
for more attention from you? If so, maybe make some dedicated time for
just Mom-and-middle-child, say 10 or 15 minutes solid when NOTHING will
pull you away from talking to him and playing with him, and doing whatever
he wants to do. If another child needs you, tell them that you're with
this child now and you'll be there in a while. Ignore the phone.
Etc. Just you and he, every day, for a certain time (and this goes for
EACH of the children.)
As for the daughter, I'd have told the 3 year old that he didn't have to go
inside, but that his sister was scared about being alone does he remember
how it feels when he is scared? Well, he and mommy are going to help her
be not so scared and if he didn't want to go inside, then he could stay in
the car (with the windows cracked) but that you were going inside to help
sister feel not so scared and would watch him from the window. Ask him
Does he want to bring a book or a toy for the car? Then I'd plop myself in
the front window where I'd be with my daughter and could wave (and make
funny faces) to my son, out in the car. Maybe make it focus on taking care
of (and relating to) someone else when they're feeling badly.
Which reminds me, we have a tradition of, "if you cause the pain, you take
care of it 'tll it's gone." If I hurt someone, I need to stay with that
someone until they're okay again, and take care of them and get them ice or
hugs or whatever they need to be okay again. This goes for physical as
well as emotional owies and it gives people a way to stop being the
'meanie' and become the 'caring person'. No Guilt. No
recriminations. Just taking care. You've got to help them do it (sweetly)
the first few times, but later on, they'll generally move to do it on their
own.
Good luck. There's so much more, but without knowing your kids, I'd be
whistling into the wind more than I am already!
HeidiWD
mummyone24
--- In [email protected], Heidi Wordhouse-Dykema
<heidi@d...> wrote:
<<As for the daughter, I'd have told the 3 year old that he didn't
have to go inside, but that his sister was scared about being alone
does he remember how it feels when he is scared? Well, he and mommy
are going to help her be not so scared and if he didn't want to go
inside, then he could stay in the car (with the windows cracked) but
that you were going inside to help sister feel not so scared and
would watch him from the window>>
I'm sorry but I just don't like the sound of this suggestion. I hear
way too many things about kids being left in cars for just a minute
and the parent could see the child from where ever. Unless you are
standing right outside the car, then I don't think it's a good idea
to leave a 3 and a 5 year old in a car alone. You can't watch from
the window and really be there for the daughter at the same time.
From where I stand, not a good idea.
Mary B
<heidi@d...> wrote:
<<As for the daughter, I'd have told the 3 year old that he didn't
have to go inside, but that his sister was scared about being alone
does he remember how it feels when he is scared? Well, he and mommy
are going to help her be not so scared and if he didn't want to go
inside, then he could stay in the car (with the windows cracked) but
that you were going inside to help sister feel not so scared and
would watch him from the window>>
I'm sorry but I just don't like the sound of this suggestion. I hear
way too many things about kids being left in cars for just a minute
and the parent could see the child from where ever. Unless you are
standing right outside the car, then I don't think it's a good idea
to leave a 3 and a 5 year old in a car alone. You can't watch from
the window and really be there for the daughter at the same time.
From where I stand, not a good idea.
Mary B
mummyone24
--- In [email protected], Heidi Wordhouse-Dykema
<heidi@d...> wrote:
<<As for the daughter, I'd have told the 3 year old that he didn't
have to go inside, but that his sister was scared about being alone
does he remember how it feels when he is scared? Well, he and mommy
are going to help her be not so scared and if he didn't want to go
inside, then he could stay in the car (with the windows cracked) but
that you were going inside to help sister feel not so scared and
would watch him from the window>>
I'm sorry but I just don't like the sound of this suggestion. I hear
way too many things about kids being left in cars for just a minute
and the parent could see the child from where ever. Unless you are
standing right outside the car, then I don't think it's a good idea
to leave a 3 and a 5 year old in a car alone. You can't watch from
the window and really be there for the daughter at the same time.
From where I stand, not a good idea.
Mary B
<heidi@d...> wrote:
<<As for the daughter, I'd have told the 3 year old that he didn't
have to go inside, but that his sister was scared about being alone
does he remember how it feels when he is scared? Well, he and mommy
are going to help her be not so scared and if he didn't want to go
inside, then he could stay in the car (with the windows cracked) but
that you were going inside to help sister feel not so scared and
would watch him from the window>>
I'm sorry but I just don't like the sound of this suggestion. I hear
way too many things about kids being left in cars for just a minute
and the parent could see the child from where ever. Unless you are
standing right outside the car, then I don't think it's a good idea
to leave a 3 and a 5 year old in a car alone. You can't watch from
the window and really be there for the daughter at the same time.
From where I stand, not a good idea.
Mary B
MARK and JULIE SOLICH
> Which reminds me, we have a tradition of, "if you cause the pain, you takeor
> care of it 'tll it's gone." If I hurt someone, I need to stay with that
> someone until they're okay again, and take care of them and get them ice
> hugs or whatever they need to be okay again. This goes for physical as(sweetly)
> well as emotional owies and it gives people a way to stop being the
> 'meanie' and become the 'caring person'. No Guilt. No
> recriminations. Just taking care. You've got to help them do it
> the first few times, but later on, they'll generally move to do it ontheir
> own.What a wonderful idea! this is helping them to understand the practicalities
of love in a really positive way.
Thanks for that gem
Julie
> ~~~~ Don't forget! If you change topics, change the subject line! ~~~~the moderator, Joyce Fetteroll (fetteroll@...), or the list owner,
>
> If you have questions, concerns or problems with this list, please email
Helen Hegener (HEM-Editor@...).
>email to:
> To unsubscribe from this group, click on the following link or address an
> [email protected]
>
> Visit the Unschooling website: http://www.unschooling.com
>
> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
>
>
Stephanie Elms
Hey Sheila...my boys are 6 and 3 and I am starting to have a problem with name calling too.
I have been taking a two pronged approach...one talking about how it makes the other
feel (being nice to each other, not hurting their feelings etc). The second being taking
a humorous approach. The other day, Jason (6 yo) started calling Kyle (3 yo) stupid.
I looked at him and said, wait a minute...are you telling me that I have a stupid child?
Wait a minute...I don't remember giving birth to any stupid children. Where did that stupid
kid go, I can't find him, he isn't around here, I only see smart sweet kids...etc. Jason
started laughing and stopped the name calling. Then today
they started into calling each other names in the backseat of the van. So I joined in! I
pretended to get really excited about our new game and called Jason a big fat broccoli
head. Then called Kyle a cauliflower poo-poo head. They LOVED it, kept asking me to
call them more names. Then when Jason started calling Kyle a stupid freak, I pointed out
how that was more personal and could be mean. We also talked about how it was ok to call
each other names for fun, but if it hurt the others feelings then we had stop.
Jason has also started cutting Kyle down when Kyle is not as good at something (like a
computer game etc) so we have been having lots of talks about how just because someone does
not know something/is not good at something does not mean that they are stupid. That often
they just do not have the as much experience at something as someone else (using the example
that mommy is better then Jason at many things but that does not make Jason stupid or dumb.
That as he (and Kyle) get older they will get better at many things).
I don't think that there is one answer for this...just keep talking and for us turning it into
a joke has worked well. I think that it is also important to tell the kids that it is ok to
be mad at/not like each other at times but it is not ok to cut the other down or be mean to
each other. I have been trying to give them acceptable ways of expressing their feelings.
It sure can be hard to listen to sometimes though!
Stephanie E.
I have been taking a two pronged approach...one talking about how it makes the other
feel (being nice to each other, not hurting their feelings etc). The second being taking
a humorous approach. The other day, Jason (6 yo) started calling Kyle (3 yo) stupid.
I looked at him and said, wait a minute...are you telling me that I have a stupid child?
Wait a minute...I don't remember giving birth to any stupid children. Where did that stupid
kid go, I can't find him, he isn't around here, I only see smart sweet kids...etc. Jason
started laughing and stopped the name calling. Then today
they started into calling each other names in the backseat of the van. So I joined in! I
pretended to get really excited about our new game and called Jason a big fat broccoli
head. Then called Kyle a cauliflower poo-poo head. They LOVED it, kept asking me to
call them more names. Then when Jason started calling Kyle a stupid freak, I pointed out
how that was more personal and could be mean. We also talked about how it was ok to call
each other names for fun, but if it hurt the others feelings then we had stop.
Jason has also started cutting Kyle down when Kyle is not as good at something (like a
computer game etc) so we have been having lots of talks about how just because someone does
not know something/is not good at something does not mean that they are stupid. That often
they just do not have the as much experience at something as someone else (using the example
that mommy is better then Jason at many things but that does not make Jason stupid or dumb.
That as he (and Kyle) get older they will get better at many things).
I don't think that there is one answer for this...just keep talking and for us turning it into
a joke has worked well. I think that it is also important to tell the kids that it is ok to
be mad at/not like each other at times but it is not ok to cut the other down or be mean to
each other. I have been trying to give them acceptable ways of expressing their feelings.
It sure can be hard to listen to sometimes though!
Stephanie E.
Tia Leschke
> Hey Sheila...my boys are 6 and 3 and I am starting to have a problem withname calling too.
> I have been taking a two pronged approach...one talking about how it makesthe other
> feel (being nice to each other, not hurting their feelings etc). Thesecond being taking
> a humorous approach. The other day, Jason (6 yo) started calling Kyle (3yo) stupid.
> I looked at him and said, wait a minute...are you telling me that I have astupid child?
> Wait a minute...I don't remember giving birth to any stupid children.Where did that stupid
> kid go, I can't find him, he isn't around here, I only see smart sweetkids...etc. Jason
> started laughing and stopped the name calling. Then todayI joined in! I
> they started into calling each other names in the backseat of the van. So
> pretended to get really excited about our new game and called Jason a bigfat broccoli
> head. Then called Kyle a cauliflower poo-poo head. They LOVED it, keptasking me to
> call them more names. Then when Jason started calling Kyle a stupid freak,I pointed out
> how that was more personal and could be mean. We also talked about how itwas ok to call
> each other names for fun, but if it hurt the others feelings then we hadstop.
There's a site for Shakespearean insults that they might really enjoy.
There's one at http://www.ariel.com.au/jokes/Shakespearean_Insults.html but
google had lots more.
Tia
Dawn Ackroyd
One thing my MIL taught me is to make it more miserable for the kids
when they're doing something you don't want them to do. For example,
we've had trouble with scissors in our house this year with my daughter
and her cousin. It started when they cut off my daughter's long
beautiful hair. They also cut the cord on the blinds, and cut up a few
things in the house. In short order they were banned from scissors.
Recently they were doing a craft with our Japanese student, and they
were left with scissors, and alas, again cut something. This time our
futon chair cover. They are 4 and 5 years old - so they're certainly old
enough to know that this isn't a good choice. I got mad at them and then
I told them if they cannot make good choices when no one is watching
them, then they would have to be watched all the time. I made them stick
right by my side. When I was working on the computer they sat on the
floor beside me reading a book. Then I made them come downstairs to get
a load of laundry. We'd sit in the family room to fold it and I let them
watch TV while I did it - but I would purposefully get up right when
they were really getting into it and say, "Okay. Time to go into the
kitchen." Or wherever. They didn't dare complain because they knew the
gravity of what they had done and knew they didn't have any room for
negotiation. We only had to do this for about 3 hours until they begged
me to trust them again. So we did it for the next 3 hours in a little
more limited sense. The lesson stuck. We haven't had a problem with
scissors for a long time.
When my husband and his siblings weren't getting along my MIL would make
them hold hands or sit on chairs with their knees touching, until they
talked and solved whatever the problem was. I'm actually quite amazed at
how they get along in his family. They just were plain not allowed to be
unkind to each other. It doesn't mean that they didn't have
disagreements - but unkindness was not tolerated. I hope we can do that
in our family with our children as well.
Another thing that comes to my mind is to have a theme of the week or
day, or whatever seems appropriate. Have a phrase that you ask them to
say to you. For example, my daughter has one lately that she got from a
book that says, "I'll be happy all day if I obey." I'm surprised
actually how many times she comes back to the little quip. It wasn't
something I started - she got it out of a book - but she has really made
it stick in her mind and the process has made me think it might be
worthwhile to come up with some more of those in our home. Not sure what
they'll be yet. I'd like something right now that helps them remember to
clean up toys!! But that's an entirely different thread. :0)
Good for you for reaching out and asking for help. Some people just
figure kids fight and that's life. I don't think it has to be that way.
Dawn
-----Original Message-----
From: Heidi Wordhouse-Dykema [mailto:heidi@...]
Sent: Tuesday, March 11, 2003 5:58 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: [Unschooling-dotcom] parenting dilemmas
This is a toughie and it's something we've worked on avoiding with our
own
kids. (and its' worked!) So, know that it IS possible to have kids who
don't torment each other. It's not something that you can just
plug-in-and-play, but is rather a paradigm shift in how you think about
relationships. I don't know you, and I don't know your kids, so I'm
just
going to throw stuff out there to be thought about.
Firstly, you've read and ingested and re-read Adelle Fabers' books,
right? The whole 'learn to talk so kids will listen' thing? It's
really
helped us out with learning how to talk with our kids and identifying
subtly aggressive behavior, which means we can deal with it.
Secondly, do some work on self-assertiveness for Yourself. I'm
wondering
if sometimes it's difficult for you to say when something is not feeling
right for you and sitting that child down to peacefully talk it over
with
them so you can understand WHY they want to write that their brother is
stupid and WHY they were trying to trick you into doing something you
didn't want to do (ie, write that the brother was stupid) and thereby
facilitating the other brother's being mean to the younger brother. I
mean, there's a Whole LOT of discussion that needs to go on about that
with
the child in question (and not in a mean way, but in a gently
inquisitive
way, to find out what they're thinking and how they got to think that
way.) Then you both/all need to talk about how it's making you, the
mommy,
feel.
I'd also suggest doing some work on family inter-dependence, that is,
emphasizing how one family member can be affected by another family
member
because of the love within the family and talking about it with great
concern for BOTH parties (because after all, if family won't stick up
for
or care for family, what's left?) If one child 'doesn't want to hear
it',
maybe say, "I am very sad when you hurt my family and I need to talk
with
you about it. Hurting your brother makes my heart cry. I'm tired of
being hurt and I need you to stop. I don't know how to stop feeling the
hurt. Will you help me?"
Do you think some of it is that the middle (and teasing) child is
looking
for more attention from you? If so, maybe make some dedicated time for
just Mom-and-middle-child, say 10 or 15 minutes solid when NOTHING will
pull you away from talking to him and playing with him, and doing
whatever
he wants to do. If another child needs you, tell them that you're with
this child now and you'll be there in a while. Ignore the phone.
Etc. Just you and he, every day, for a certain time (and this goes for
EACH of the children.)
As for the daughter, I'd have told the 3 year old that he didn't have to
go
inside, but that his sister was scared about being alone does he
remember
how it feels when he is scared? Well, he and mommy are going to help
her
be not so scared and if he didn't want to go inside, then he could stay
in
the car (with the windows cracked) but that you were going inside to
help
sister feel not so scared and would watch him from the window. Ask him
Does he want to bring a book or a toy for the car? Then I'd plop myself
in
the front window where I'd be with my daughter and could wave (and make
funny faces) to my son, out in the car. Maybe make it focus on taking
care
of (and relating to) someone else when they're feeling badly.
Which reminds me, we have a tradition of, "if you cause the pain, you
take
care of it 'tll it's gone." If I hurt someone, I need to stay with that
someone until they're okay again, and take care of them and get them ice
or
hugs or whatever they need to be okay again. This goes for physical as
well as emotional owies and it gives people a way to stop being the
'meanie' and become the 'caring person'. No Guilt. No
recriminations. Just taking care. You've got to help them do it
(sweetly)
the first few times, but later on, they'll generally move to do it on
their
own.
Good luck. There's so much more, but without knowing your kids, I'd be
whistling into the wind more than I am already!
HeidiWD
Yahoo! Groups Sponsor
ADVERTISEMENT
<http://rd.yahoo.com/M=246920.2960106.4328965.2848452/D=egroupweb/S=1705
081972:HM/A=1481646/R=0/*http://www.gotomypc.com/u/tr/yh/cpm/grp/300_fla
ke/g22lp?Target=mm/g22lp.tmpl>
<http://us.adserver.yahoo.com/l?M=246920.2960106.4328965.2848452/D=egrou
pmail/S=:HM/A=1481646/rand=470017218>
~~~~ Don't forget! If you change topics, change the subject line! ~~~~
If you have questions, concerns or problems with this list, please email
the moderator, Joyce Fetteroll (fetteroll@...), or the list
owner, Helen Hegener (HEM-Editor@...).
To unsubscribe from this group, click on the following link or address
an email to:
[email protected]
Visit the Unschooling website: http://www.unschooling.com
Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service
<http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/> .
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
when they're doing something you don't want them to do. For example,
we've had trouble with scissors in our house this year with my daughter
and her cousin. It started when they cut off my daughter's long
beautiful hair. They also cut the cord on the blinds, and cut up a few
things in the house. In short order they were banned from scissors.
Recently they were doing a craft with our Japanese student, and they
were left with scissors, and alas, again cut something. This time our
futon chair cover. They are 4 and 5 years old - so they're certainly old
enough to know that this isn't a good choice. I got mad at them and then
I told them if they cannot make good choices when no one is watching
them, then they would have to be watched all the time. I made them stick
right by my side. When I was working on the computer they sat on the
floor beside me reading a book. Then I made them come downstairs to get
a load of laundry. We'd sit in the family room to fold it and I let them
watch TV while I did it - but I would purposefully get up right when
they were really getting into it and say, "Okay. Time to go into the
kitchen." Or wherever. They didn't dare complain because they knew the
gravity of what they had done and knew they didn't have any room for
negotiation. We only had to do this for about 3 hours until they begged
me to trust them again. So we did it for the next 3 hours in a little
more limited sense. The lesson stuck. We haven't had a problem with
scissors for a long time.
When my husband and his siblings weren't getting along my MIL would make
them hold hands or sit on chairs with their knees touching, until they
talked and solved whatever the problem was. I'm actually quite amazed at
how they get along in his family. They just were plain not allowed to be
unkind to each other. It doesn't mean that they didn't have
disagreements - but unkindness was not tolerated. I hope we can do that
in our family with our children as well.
Another thing that comes to my mind is to have a theme of the week or
day, or whatever seems appropriate. Have a phrase that you ask them to
say to you. For example, my daughter has one lately that she got from a
book that says, "I'll be happy all day if I obey." I'm surprised
actually how many times she comes back to the little quip. It wasn't
something I started - she got it out of a book - but she has really made
it stick in her mind and the process has made me think it might be
worthwhile to come up with some more of those in our home. Not sure what
they'll be yet. I'd like something right now that helps them remember to
clean up toys!! But that's an entirely different thread. :0)
Good for you for reaching out and asking for help. Some people just
figure kids fight and that's life. I don't think it has to be that way.
Dawn
-----Original Message-----
From: Heidi Wordhouse-Dykema [mailto:heidi@...]
Sent: Tuesday, March 11, 2003 5:58 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: [Unschooling-dotcom] parenting dilemmas
This is a toughie and it's something we've worked on avoiding with our
own
kids. (and its' worked!) So, know that it IS possible to have kids who
don't torment each other. It's not something that you can just
plug-in-and-play, but is rather a paradigm shift in how you think about
relationships. I don't know you, and I don't know your kids, so I'm
just
going to throw stuff out there to be thought about.
Firstly, you've read and ingested and re-read Adelle Fabers' books,
right? The whole 'learn to talk so kids will listen' thing? It's
really
helped us out with learning how to talk with our kids and identifying
subtly aggressive behavior, which means we can deal with it.
Secondly, do some work on self-assertiveness for Yourself. I'm
wondering
if sometimes it's difficult for you to say when something is not feeling
right for you and sitting that child down to peacefully talk it over
with
them so you can understand WHY they want to write that their brother is
stupid and WHY they were trying to trick you into doing something you
didn't want to do (ie, write that the brother was stupid) and thereby
facilitating the other brother's being mean to the younger brother. I
mean, there's a Whole LOT of discussion that needs to go on about that
with
the child in question (and not in a mean way, but in a gently
inquisitive
way, to find out what they're thinking and how they got to think that
way.) Then you both/all need to talk about how it's making you, the
mommy,
feel.
I'd also suggest doing some work on family inter-dependence, that is,
emphasizing how one family member can be affected by another family
member
because of the love within the family and talking about it with great
concern for BOTH parties (because after all, if family won't stick up
for
or care for family, what's left?) If one child 'doesn't want to hear
it',
maybe say, "I am very sad when you hurt my family and I need to talk
with
you about it. Hurting your brother makes my heart cry. I'm tired of
being hurt and I need you to stop. I don't know how to stop feeling the
hurt. Will you help me?"
Do you think some of it is that the middle (and teasing) child is
looking
for more attention from you? If so, maybe make some dedicated time for
just Mom-and-middle-child, say 10 or 15 minutes solid when NOTHING will
pull you away from talking to him and playing with him, and doing
whatever
he wants to do. If another child needs you, tell them that you're with
this child now and you'll be there in a while. Ignore the phone.
Etc. Just you and he, every day, for a certain time (and this goes for
EACH of the children.)
As for the daughter, I'd have told the 3 year old that he didn't have to
go
inside, but that his sister was scared about being alone does he
remember
how it feels when he is scared? Well, he and mommy are going to help
her
be not so scared and if he didn't want to go inside, then he could stay
in
the car (with the windows cracked) but that you were going inside to
help
sister feel not so scared and would watch him from the window. Ask him
Does he want to bring a book or a toy for the car? Then I'd plop myself
in
the front window where I'd be with my daughter and could wave (and make
funny faces) to my son, out in the car. Maybe make it focus on taking
care
of (and relating to) someone else when they're feeling badly.
Which reminds me, we have a tradition of, "if you cause the pain, you
take
care of it 'tll it's gone." If I hurt someone, I need to stay with that
someone until they're okay again, and take care of them and get them ice
or
hugs or whatever they need to be okay again. This goes for physical as
well as emotional owies and it gives people a way to stop being the
'meanie' and become the 'caring person'. No Guilt. No
recriminations. Just taking care. You've got to help them do it
(sweetly)
the first few times, but later on, they'll generally move to do it on
their
own.
Good luck. There's so much more, but without knowing your kids, I'd be
whistling into the wind more than I am already!
HeidiWD
Yahoo! Groups Sponsor
ADVERTISEMENT
<http://rd.yahoo.com/M=246920.2960106.4328965.2848452/D=egroupweb/S=1705
081972:HM/A=1481646/R=0/*http://www.gotomypc.com/u/tr/yh/cpm/grp/300_fla
ke/g22lp?Target=mm/g22lp.tmpl>
<http://us.adserver.yahoo.com/l?M=246920.2960106.4328965.2848452/D=egrou
pmail/S=:HM/A=1481646/rand=470017218>
~~~~ Don't forget! If you change topics, change the subject line! ~~~~
If you have questions, concerns or problems with this list, please email
the moderator, Joyce Fetteroll (fetteroll@...), or the list
owner, Helen Hegener (HEM-Editor@...).
To unsubscribe from this group, click on the following link or address
an email to:
[email protected]
Visit the Unschooling website: http://www.unschooling.com
Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service
<http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/> .
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
I really liked all of Heidi's suggestions, and wanted to second the one about
offering to let him stay in the car outside the party long enough to get the
daughter comfortable.
I would have said "I need to go into the party. Do you want to go too, or
would you rather stay in the car?" And saying it nicely, it seems to give
him a range of options, but it's not much option, and that's okay with me
when one child is really needing something.
If it were people I knew well, there might have been someone in the house who
knew my son and could go and visit with him at the car window for a while.
That's happened with us in the past. one kid's not ready to go, the other is
outside waiting, we find someone to send out to play or whatever.
Sandra
offering to let him stay in the car outside the party long enough to get the
daughter comfortable.
I would have said "I need to go into the party. Do you want to go too, or
would you rather stay in the car?" And saying it nicely, it seems to give
him a range of options, but it's not much option, and that's okay with me
when one child is really needing something.
If it were people I knew well, there might have been someone in the house who
knew my son and could go and visit with him at the car window for a while.
That's happened with us in the past. one kid's not ready to go, the other is
outside waiting, we find someone to send out to play or whatever.
Sandra
[email protected]
In a message dated 3/11/03 7:49:00 PM, mummyone24@... writes:
<< I hear
way too many things about kids being left in cars for just a minute
and the parent could see the child from where ever. Unless you are
standing right outside the car, then I don't think it's a good idea
to leave a 3 and a 5 year old in a car alone. You can't watch from
the window and really be there for the daughter at the same time.
From where I stand, not a good idea. >>
Depends on the kid, the car, the neighborhood, the state, the terrain, the
privacy of the driveway...
Sandra
<< I hear
way too many things about kids being left in cars for just a minute
and the parent could see the child from where ever. Unless you are
standing right outside the car, then I don't think it's a good idea
to leave a 3 and a 5 year old in a car alone. You can't watch from
the window and really be there for the daughter at the same time.
From where I stand, not a good idea. >>
Depends on the kid, the car, the neighborhood, the state, the terrain, the
privacy of the driveway...
Sandra
[email protected]
In a message dated 3/12/2003 10:15:05 AM Central Standard Time,
dackroyd@... writes:
A neighbor up the street uses is. As in, while other kids are playing
outside with him throwing snow, "Luke, you must obey!" Obey rules, obey
arbitrary don'ts, obey while your mother is looking and hope she'll just keep
on talking.
We rented a DVD recently called "Mama, do you love me?" where the little
Inuit girl kept getting into trouble with her mother and the mother
eventually says "I love you but you must obey." or something like that. The
dvd was broken anyway, so we sent it back. And we had a talk about what the
word meant.
I have such a deep reaction to the word that I can't help but feel it's more
than simple semantics. My mission in life isn't to make my kids obey or to
make them miserable when they behave in a manner that bothers me.
Elizabeth
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
dackroyd@... writes:
> "I'll be happy all day if I obey."Obey? Ouch, nails on the chalkboard! I just can't stand that word.
A neighbor up the street uses is. As in, while other kids are playing
outside with him throwing snow, "Luke, you must obey!" Obey rules, obey
arbitrary don'ts, obey while your mother is looking and hope she'll just keep
on talking.
We rented a DVD recently called "Mama, do you love me?" where the little
Inuit girl kept getting into trouble with her mother and the mother
eventually says "I love you but you must obey." or something like that. The
dvd was broken anyway, so we sent it back. And we had a talk about what the
word meant.
I have such a deep reaction to the word that I can't help but feel it's more
than simple semantics. My mission in life isn't to make my kids obey or to
make them miserable when they behave in a manner that bothers me.
Elizabeth
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jon and Rue Kream
FYI, that's not in the book, which we love. ~Rue
"We rented a DVD recently called "Mama, do you love me?" where the
little
Inuit girl kept getting into trouble with her mother and the mother
eventually says "I love you but you must obey." or something like that"
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
"We rented a DVD recently called "Mama, do you love me?" where the
little
Inuit girl kept getting into trouble with her mother and the mother
eventually says "I love you but you must obey." or something like that"
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Robin Bentley
>The
> We rented a DVD recently called "Mama, do you love me?" where the little
> Inuit girl kept getting into trouble with her mother and the mother
> eventually says "I love you but you must obey." or something like that.
> dvd was broken anyway, so we sent it back. And we had a talk about whatthe
> word meant.That's interesting. They must have changed the text of the book in the DVD.
In the book, the mother, when asked by her daughter if she broke their eggs,
or ran away etc., she responds by saying how she would feel (angry, sorry,
surprised, sad,) but would still love her, forever, because she was her Dear
One.
I got the book out because I didn't remember the "obey" part when we had
read it together. Think I would've had a talk about it, too, had that been
the case.
Robin B.
Tia Leschke
> I have such a deep reaction to the word that I can't help but feel it'smore
> than simple semantics. My mission in life isn't to make my kids obey orto
> make them miserable when they behave in a manner that bothers me.I don't like the word either. Question Authority!
Tia
Mary Bianco
>From: SandraDodd@...<<Depends on the kid, the car, the neighborhood, the state, the terrain, the
privacy of the driveway...>>
Sorry this is one I just don't buy. The poster was talking about a 3 and a 5
year old. A 5 year old that didn't want to leave to begin with let alone be
left in a car. I agree with a difference being in the kid but not the other
stuff.
Mary B
_________________________________________________________________
Protect your PC - get McAfee.com VirusScan Online
http://clinic.mcafee.com/clinic/ibuy/campaign.asp?cid=3963
[email protected]
In a message dated 3/12/2003 4:55:13 PM Central Standard Time,
robinbentley@... writes:
about their friend not obeying and so the word stuck with them. The DVD was
wonderful except for that because it reinforced that the Mama would still
love the girl even if she were angry.
Reminds me of when I broke my ankle and a friend dropped off some videos her
child had outgrown. One was The Elephant's Child, a Kipling story. We had
listened to an audio tape of the Just So stories on on car trip over
Christmas, so we also got the same story out of the library. My children had
never heard the word spank before that and suddenly they were using it all
the time. The elehant in the story gets spanked a lot for asking too many
questions. We had a long talk about that too. My daughter sometimes still
has her dinosaurs spanking her farm animals.
Elizabeth
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
robinbentley@... writes:
> I got the book out because I didn't remember the "obey" part when we hadShe only said it once, but it was the day after their friends mom had yelled
> read it together. Think I would've had a talk about it, too, had that been
> the case.
>
about their friend not obeying and so the word stuck with them. The DVD was
wonderful except for that because it reinforced that the Mama would still
love the girl even if she were angry.
Reminds me of when I broke my ankle and a friend dropped off some videos her
child had outgrown. One was The Elephant's Child, a Kipling story. We had
listened to an audio tape of the Just So stories on on car trip over
Christmas, so we also got the same story out of the library. My children had
never heard the word spank before that and suddenly they were using it all
the time. The elehant in the story gets spanked a lot for asking too many
questions. We had a long talk about that too. My daughter sometimes still
has her dinosaurs spanking her farm animals.
Elizabeth
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
kayb85
> Firstly, you've read and ingested and re-read Adelle Fabers'books,
> right? The whole 'learn to talk so kids will listen' thing? It'sreally
> helped us out with learning how to talk with our kids andidentifying
> subtly aggressive behavior, which means we can deal with it.I have, and I think the books are generally great. Sometimes the
method doesn't work. For example, if my family were the ones in
some of the cartoons, there would be one or two more frames with the
child saying, "Yes, that is exactly how I feel, and that is why I am
going to go hurt him" followed by me holding him back some more. So
while I don't find them to be the Answer to all sibling rivalry or
communication problems, they are very helpful.
> Secondly, do some work on self-assertiveness for Yourself. I'mwondering
> if sometimes it's difficult for you to say when something is notfeeling
> right for you and sitting that child down to peacefully talk itover with
> them so you can understand WHY they want to write that theirbrother is
> stupid and WHY they were trying to trick you into doing somethingyou
> didn't want to doYou are onto something there. I am working on not being an
authoritarian parent and respecting my kids, so sometimes I go to
the other extreme of completely letting myself get walked all over.
I'm hoping the balance will improve with time for me. :)
> I'd also suggest doing some work on family inter-dependence, thatis,
> emphasizing how one family member can be affected by anotherfamily member
> because of the love within the family and talking about it withgreat
> concern for BOTH parties (because after all, if family won't stickup for
> or care for family, what's left?)Any specific ideas for working on family inter-dependence?
> Do you think some of it is that the middle (and teasing) child islooking
> for more attention from you? If so, maybe make some dedicatedtime for
> just Mom-and-middle-child, say 10 or 15 minutes solid when NOTHINGwill
> pull you away from talking to him and playing with him, and doingwhatever
> he wants to do.This was incredible advice. I think you hit the nail right on the
head. :) I sat back and looked at our family and realized that my
middle child is being over-looked sometimes. It's easier for me to
do fun girl stuff with my daughter and her friends than to sit and
play with trains and imaginary contraptions that my son plays with.
And when I do stuff specifically for the boys my daughter still
joins in and seems to dominate. And my youngest is the bold,
aggressive type who won't allow anyone to overlook him. :) My
middle is quiet by nature and sometimes it's very easy to allow him
to blend into the background. :( I don't want to give the
impression that I completely neglect my son...the kids and I do LOTS
of stuff together. Yesterday and today I made a conscious effort to
give him some of my undivided attention and I have seen a behavior
improvement already. :) THANK YOU!
> Which reminds me, we have a tradition of, "if you cause the pain,you take
> care of it 'tll it's gone." If I hurt someone, I need to staywith that
> someone until they're okay again, and take care of them and getthem ice or
> hugs or whatever they need to be okay again. This goes forphysical as
> well as emotional owies and it gives people a way to stop beingthe
> 'meanie' and become the 'caring person'. No Guilt. No(sweetly)
> recriminations. Just taking care. You've got to help them do it
> the first few times, but later on, they'll generally move to do iton their
> own.If the child doesn't want to "take the hurt away", isn't it punitive
to make the child take care of the other child? I can't see it
working here anyway. I can see myself "making" a child hug another
child. I would have to wrap their arms around the other child, hold
their feet back from kicking while doing it, keep their teeth from
biting while hugging, and keep my hands over their fists to keep
them from pinching/hitting/scratching while hugging. I don't think
I could make my kids "take the hurt away" at a child they were just
fighting with without saying, "If you don't do it I will..."
> Good luck. There's so much more, but without knowing your kids,I'd be
> whistling into the wind more than I am already!Your insight has been incredibly helpful. :) It is incredible how
> HeidiWD
much help other unschooling moms can be with parenting dilemmas. My
mil told me "Make sure he knows who's boss". That's a far cry
from, "Make sure he's getting enough individual attention from
you". :)
Sheila
Tia Leschke
I don't want to give the
department unless they have a really forceful personality. The younger one
still takes a lot of mom's time, and the older one can do all kinds of stuff
for her/himself. The middle one can easily get lost in the shuffle.
Tia
> impression that I completely neglect my son...the kids and I do LOTSOf course you don't. Middle children often get passed over in the attention
> of stuff together.
department unless they have a really forceful personality. The younger one
still takes a lot of mom's time, and the older one can do all kinds of stuff
for her/himself. The middle one can easily get lost in the shuffle.
Tia
Heidi Wordhouse-Dykema
>method doesn't work. For example, if my family were the ones inSo maybe don't hold him back. "I can see that you really want to hurt
>some of the cartoons, there would be one or two more frames with the
>child saying, "Yes, that is exactly how I feel, and that is why I am
>going to go hurt him" followed by me holding him back some more.
something. I can't let you hurt your brother because I love him, but lets
go outside and get it all out." (then find something FAST that you don't
mind getting destroyed. ...just don't let it be the sibling. Sometimes
when the frustration/anger is too overwhelming and we haven't learned to
deal with it, it feels really good and powerful to hollar and slug
something. (even if it's really a self-destructive power in the end, it
can feel good momentarily.) So go slug a punching bag with him. Hit the
outside of the house with big, heavy pillows until the pillow disintegrates
(feathers everywhere!) Really slam them! Take a bat to the lawn. Get
some of his energy out so he can be a little more rational about
life. (and until he's feeling some sort of responsibility/concern/fidelity
towards his brother, he's probably not going to have much motivation to
stop wanting to slug him, so maybe don't expect rationality just yet?)
> > concern for BOTH parties (because after all, if family won't stickNot really. Maybe someone else would. I suppose I think it's all so
>up for
> > or care for family, what's left?)
>
>Any specific ideas for working on family inter-dependence?
situational that it's difficult to really come up with something without
being in the situation.
My kids never really bugged each other too much, as we'd really worked on
respecting each other and recognizing what was hurtful/not hurtful since
they were very, very little. We also used to play 'Is that important?" to
see if what they were arguing over was really as important as they felt it
was or was there another way around it? (which let them both talk about
why something is important to them (or sometimes, why it turned out to not
be so important.)
The worst situation that comes to my mind was once, when my kids were 7 and
9ish, (they'd been bickering for a while and had just had a real
knock-down, screamy fight, over 'nothing' at all! - and I was SO mad I was
tear-ing up) I remember saying to them that I was really, really, really
upset and that someday when they're adults, I wasn't going to be around
anymore and it would be the two of them out there together in the world and
if they *can't* count on each other as brother and sister to protect each
other and love each other, who *would* they be able to count on?! and that
maybe they'd want to give that some thought. (then left the room to cool
down.)
I'm not sure if it was the best way of going about it, but it worked for my
kids at that particular moment in time. It might have been that I usually
didn't blow up over things like this, so maybe the shock of it made them
stop and think. I'd like to hope they wanted someone (besides Mom) who'd
back them up unconditionally and care about them no-matter-what - and maybe
that meant *not* bugging the snot out of each other now...
Otherwise, I guess I just made a point out of doing nice things for them
'because they're family' and every now and then enlisting one of them in
helping me do something nice for one of their sibs or their dad, 'because
they're family'. They seemed to like surprising folks like that. ...and
it's another way to feel good about caring for people.
I'm sure someone out there has some better suggestions, eh?
>Yesterday and today I made a conscious effort toRock ON! I'll bet that feels tremendous.
>give him some of my undivided attention and I have seen a behavior
>improvement already. :) THANK YOU!
>If the child doesn't want to "take the hurt away", isn't it punitiveOh, nononononooooo.... Not like that. You're right that THAT would be
>to make the child take care of the other child? I can't see it
>working here anyway. I can see myself "making" a child hug another
>child. I would have to wrap their arms around the other child, hold
>their feet back from kicking while doing it, keep their teeth from
>biting while hugging, and keep my hands over their fists to keep
>them from pinching/hitting/scratching while hugging.
disastrous! ...and it's never meant to be punitive, or imply guilt or
etc. The injuring child is only injuring because they can't figure out how
else to deal with whatever it is that they can't deal with. Why punish him
more? He's already not able to deal! The idea is to help him learn to
care-take too, and make it feel better than hurting.
So, if they can't do it themselves, do it for them.. that is, YOU sit with
the injured child and hug them. No dirty looks at the injurer. No
recriminations. No attention at all, at first. Just focus on making the
hurt go away for the injured. Maybe ask the injuring child to go get YOU
some ice (not for the sibling) and if they get it, thank them kindly and
gently mention *To The Injured Child* how their brother is helping you
'take the hurt away'. Don't talk about 'sorry' or 'forgiveness' at
all. Talk with the injured child about how they're doing and what you can
do to make the hurt get better. Rock them a little where they are, on the
floor. Maybe ask the injuring child to sit next to you and snuggle you
(make you feel better?) Make no mention of the injured child to the
injuring child. YOU snuggle the injured child and form a barrier of sorts
between the two, gradually eliminating the barrier until you're hugging
them both at the same time.
...and of course, if you ever, inadvertently 'hurt' one of the kids or a
pet, make a big fuss over 'taking the hurt away!' Show by example. (and
do it with inanimate objects as well, in a smaller way. Did they break a
vase? "Here, I'll get the broom and dustpan. Do you want me to help you
sweep that up? I'll bet that was pretty scary when you realized it was
going to break! Should we put it in the inside or outside trash do you
think? There's some pretty sharp pieces, aren't there?") Come to think of
it, maybe the best way would be to start him off with animals (caring for
hurt ones), and compliment the heck out of how he's so gentle and caring.
You *do* make notice of when he's being lovely to his sibs, right? Catch
'em being good. Catch 'em caring.
HeidiWD