Alan & Brenda Leonard

Joyce wrote...

> If he's happy then I'd agree. But if a child -- or adult! -- is freely
> choosing and is unhappy, then there's something wrong.

> The problem lies in *why* the child is not happy. If a child is freely
> choosing (of whatever) and isn't happy, then the problem is helping them
> help themselves be happy.

Exactly. This is what I've been struggling with recently. I've let my son
choose, and he had been making the choice to play pacman on his gameboy
almost constantly, a choice that left him frustrated and crying, but unable
to quit. I gave him time, and let him play, figuring he needed it.

I know why my son is not happy, he's been very sad with his father gone this
particular time. Sad to the point of depression. To the extent that I have
some seriously concerned friends. (He's 6, by the way.)

But it eventually reached a point where I simply stepped in and removed the
gameboy. Calmly put it up and told him I think he desperately needed a
break. He asked once where I was, and I told him. He didn't go get it, and
it hasn't been mentioned in over a week. He could have it whenever he wants
it now, but it's as though the spell has been broken. He isn't needing it
right now, or perhaps he's far enough away that he sees what happened. I
don't know.

I'm spending most of my energy and time with him now. Yes, I pulled the
plug and cut him off. I did the regulating. I've struggled many times with
whether that was the right decision, although it wasn't made lightly. But
we're doing a lot more things together. I have a lot less personal time, a
lot less time when he plays alone, and I feel it. It's tiring, emotionally
for me.

But it's helping, and that's been wonderful. He's much more like himself,
and more fun to be with. He's happier and doesn't cry so easily and
frequently. I cannot imagine deciding that it wasn't worth the time spent
or effort I've made, or thinking that he's old enough to do it himself.

I felt like I was losing my son to this creeping darkness. That's very
different than deciding that video games are evil and so I will limit them.
That's not deciding that even though a child is happy with them, that 2
hours a day is enough. I think there's a point where you're only
considering the child, and ignoring your opinion of the games, the tv,
whatever, and making a decision based on the child.

brenda

Pam Sorooshian

I think it also might have to do with a kid not being able to envision
what else to do with himself - when he's grieving, especially.
Something that occupies his mind - like gameboy - at least puts that
grief into the background - when he stops playing it, that sadness is
what pops into the foreground and it is hard, then, to get excited
about doing something new. Easier to just pick up the gameboy (or
whatever) and push the troubles back out of the way again.

The way you handled, it Brenda, reminded me of how we started
homeschooling in the first place <G>.

I calmly reached in and said, "Let's just put school up on the shelf
for a while and see how things go without it." My oldest child was
actually pretty unhappy about that - she couldn't imagine how she was
going to be able to have any friends if she didn't go to school and she
LOVED her teacher and lots of stuff about school. I asked her to give
it 6 months and promised that she could choose to go back then. I
insisted on it. She did not actually agree, but I just moved on as if
she had agreed because I just KNEW she'd be happier and it would change
her life in a major way, for the better. I was right and, just like
his gameboy, school sat on the shelf and she always knew she could
choose it (although the analogy falls apart here - since she really
couldn't just keep taking it down and putting it up - on an
hourly/daily basis - like he could with the gameboy).

-pam


On Friday, February 14, 2003, at 08:46 AM, Alan & Brenda Leonard wrote:

> Joyce wrote...
>
>> If he's happy then I'd agree. But if a child -- or adult! -- is freely
>> choosing and is unhappy, then there's something wrong.
>
>> The problem lies in *why* the child is not happy. If a child is freely
>> choosing (of whatever) and isn't happy, then the problem is helping
>> them
>> help themselves be happy.
>
> Exactly. This is what I've been struggling with recently. I've let
> my son
> choose, and he had been making the choice to play pacman on his gameboy
> almost constantly, a choice that left him frustrated and crying, but
> unable
> to quit. I gave him time, and let him play, figuring he needed it.
>
> I know why my son is not happy, he's been very sad with his father
> gone this
> particular time. Sad to the point of depression. To the extent that
> I have
> some seriously concerned friends. (He's 6, by the way.)
>
> But it eventually reached a point where I simply stepped in and
> removed the
> gameboy. Calmly put it up and told him I think he desperately needed a
> break. He asked once where I was, and I told him. He didn't go get
> it, and
> it hasn't been mentioned in over a week. He could have it whenever he
> wants
> it now, but it's as though the spell has been broken. He isn't
> needing it
> right now, or perhaps he's far enough away that he sees what happened.
> I
> don't know.
>
> I'm spending most of my energy and time with him now. Yes, I pulled
> the
> plug and cut him off. I did the regulating. I've struggled many
> times with
> whether that was the right decision, although it wasn't made lightly.
> But
> we're doing a lot more things together. I have a lot less personal
> time, a
> lot less time when he plays alone, and I feel it. It's tiring,
> emotionally
> for me.
>
> But it's helping, and that's been wonderful. He's much more like
> himself,
> and more fun to be with. He's happier and doesn't cry so easily and
> frequently. I cannot imagine deciding that it wasn't worth the time
> spent
> or effort I've made, or thinking that he's old enough to do it himself.
>
> I felt like I was losing my son to this creeping darkness. That's very
> different than deciding that video games are evil and so I will limit
> them.
> That's not deciding that even though a child is happy with them, that 2
> hours a day is enough. I think there's a point where you're only
> considering the child, and ignoring your opinion of the games, the tv,
> whatever, and making a decision based on the child.
>
> brenda
>
>
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Pam Sorooshian
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