Julie Stauffer

Adriane (12) was painfully shy when she was little. Everyone talked about
how well behaved she was, but really she just didn't want anyone looking at
her so she kept a very low profile. She has always had friends but they
always sought her out, not the other way around.

Then she found her passion, gymnastics and animals. She was able to
overcome her shyness to talk with people about what she loved, to get
answers to questions, etc.. And it has bled over into her life in general.
She has been an officer in her 4-H club for 2 years now and often gives
reports in front of 40-50 people. She still isn't the life of the party and
doesn't want to try out for the play but she is happy and functioning
socially well enough to meet her needs.

Julie

joannec28804 <[email protected]>

Hello,
I've been lurking on this list for awhile, absorbing new ideas and
seeing some amazing changes within myself and my approach with my
kids. I always thought I was a pretty relaxed homeschooler, but now
I see that I was relaxed as long as everyone was going along with MY
agenda. (So, not relaxed at all, really!)
One thing I've been struggling with is how my daughters interact in
social situations. They are ages 8 and 11, both shy, and reluctant
to try new things. They have a few close friends, but these are
mostly daughters of my friends, and not necessarily homeschoolers.
When we do go to a homeschool gathering, they often feel
uncomfortable because they have trouble getting plugged into the
group, and instead kind of hang around on the outskirts. Then they
don't want to go back because they felt uncomfortable.
I was really shy as a kid, and so seeing them go through it makes me
want to avoid the whole group thing, which of course isolates them
further.
Anyway, I'd like some feedback on how the philosophy of unschooling
plays in with socialization issues. How much do I push them to try
new things? Do I let them set their own pace, even when they say
they want more friends but won't initiate anything?
I don't encounter too many other shy kids, and really never see
anything written about this in homeschool journals. Anyone have any
ideas or experiences to share?
Thanks so much for all you do--you have really helped me to question
a lot of my parenting/homeschooling practices.
Joanne

Angela

Hi Joanne,
I too have two shy daughters too. Mine are 6 and 8 and I follow their
lead as to how much socialization they get. If they don't want to go to
something, we don't go. At first I felt like we needed more socialization
but on further reflection, I don't think we do. We are doing what makes us
comfortable and just because we are different than the majority of the
population, there is nothing wrong with us that needs fixing.

My girls are best friends with each other and with my brother's kids, who
are also homeschooled. They also are great friends with another cousin who
is in public school but unfortunately we don't see much of her with her busy
schedule. We have a few other friends/acquaintances who we visit sometimes,
but the kids just haven't hit it off. We have all acknowledged that we
would like to have one other family that we really connect with and we are
trying to find that someone now, not because we should, but because we would
like to have someone else to play with and visit during the week.

My girls aren't comfortable in group situations at all. It has gotten a
*little* easier as they have gotten a little older, but they prefer, like
me, to play or visit with one family at a time. It took me awhile to feel
ok with this, mostly because other people put the pressure on us to be in a
group. As an adult, I prefer to have a couple close friends rather than a
large group of acquaintances and that ok for my kids too. I realize that
society thinks socialization only happens in large groups, but it just isn't
true.

When we do go to group events, my girls are often happy watching from the
sidelines. If your girls want more friends, I would ask someone from the
group that you think might be a good fit over to your house so you can get
to know them on a more personal level. When I have done this I try to have
an activity available so the kids can warm up to each other gradually, like
a painting or craft project or a walk to the neighbors farm.

I hope this helps. Keep in mind that if your kids went to public school,
they would most likely draw further into themselves, not turn into little
extroverts.



Angela in Maine-unschooling@...
http://userpages.prexar.com/rickshaw/

"What you are shouts so loudly in my ears I cannot hear what you say."
Emerson




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Mary Bianco

Just wondering since your daughter seems to want friends, if maybe you could
hang around with her and others to kind of break the ice. I don't think the
age is too much where they would not like you hanging around. I know I did
this with one of my daughters when she was younger. It helped her to see how
to go about new social situations. You know, the whole modeling thing. I
would go over with her to a group or even just one or two other girls, say
hi, ask names and introduce Sierra and just start talking. Now she has no
problems at all doing this herself. Of course she doesn't always get names
but at 7, that doesn't seem to be a problem. It really didn't take her long
to start going out on her own at the playground. Now she's fine with
homeschooling kids, school kids and she's working on adults.

Mary B






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Tia Leschke

> Just wondering since your daughter seems to want friends, if maybe you
could
> hang around with her and others to kind of break the ice. I don't think
the
> age is too much where they would not like you hanging around. I know I did
> this with one of my daughters when she was younger. It helped her to see
how
> to go about new social situations. You know, the whole modeling thing. I
> would go over with her to a group or even just one or two other girls, say
> hi, ask names and introduce Sierra and just start talking. Now she has no
> problems at all doing this herself. Of course she doesn't always get names
> but at 7, that doesn't seem to be a problem. It really didn't take her
long
> to start going out on her own at the playground. Now she's fine with
> homeschooling kids, school kids and she's working on adults.

This is something I wish I had done more with Lars. We used to go to a
homeschoolers' swim, and I could have gotten him involved a lot more by
doing just what you said. At the time, I rationalized that the kids could
socialize with each other, but I needed adult socialization. I guess I
thought he could manage it himself, but he didn't really. He eventually
learned on his own, but he missed out on becoming friends with some really
nice homeschooling kids. He ended up making friends with kids on his sports
teams who all go to school.
Tia