Children want their way, just as adults do!
Peggy
>>I am sure asThis is it, exactly. Time after time I have heard good, kind, thoughtful
>>> my children age, I will offer more and more freedom as I have already done
>>> that in many areas of their lives.
>
>
> Many people say that. Many find that since they have made their children's
> decisions for them that when given the opportunity the children will
> deliberately choose the things they weren't allowed before just because they
> can. And as the children get older, the things they can choose are a lot
> more dangerous than how much TV they should watch so there is rarely a good
> later age to start until it's too late and their gone.
>
> Joyce
parents who always did what they thought was best for their children
wonder where they went wrong when their older children made poor
choices. A child doesn't learn how to make good choices by having
someone else make them for him. A child learns how to make good choices
by making choices himself and learning from them.
Another common thing I hear is older adults talk about how *their*
parents never really seemed to listen to them or to see their needs as
separate from the parents needs/wants. This leads to lifelong pain and
suffering. Our children our not just mirrors to reflect our parenting
glory. When they fuss, nag, shout, yell, scream, slam doors, cry and
tell us they are unhappy -- then they *are* unhappy and we need to
listen to them.
This was posted on another list and don't think she'd mind if I reposted
it here:
On the left are the "attitude" statements that kids say and on the right
is what they are really trying to say:
CHILDREN WANT THEIR WAY . JUST LIKE ADULTS DO!
You're not my boss. --- I'd like a choice.
You can't make me. --- Can we talk about this?
I'm telling Dad. --- Please listen to me.
You're not my friend. --- I'd like a turn.
I hate you. --- I didn't like what you said.
I'm not your slave. --- This doesn't seem fair.
You're mean. --- This is important to me-please listen.
Shut up. --- I need to take a break.
I'll do what I want. --- I need to try.
You're stupid. --- There are things I need you to understand.
You don't love me. --- I need attention.
Fine! --- I'm feeling pushed.
You just don't understand. --- Please listen to my point of view.
Everyone else can. --- I don't want to be left out.
What are you going to do about it? --- I feel like I'm capable and
responsible.
Mom says .. --- I'm confused.
It's not fair. --- I feel left out.
You're being so old-fashioned. --- I'm feeling pressured.
This is dumb. --- I don't know how.
I can't do it. --- Please help me.
I have rights. --- Please let me have a choice.
I don't care. --- I'm scared.
From " Kids, Parents and Power Struggles", By Mary Sheedy Kurchinka
Peggy
[email protected]
In a message dated 2/5/03 10:50:31 AM, durrell@... writes:
<< When they fuss, nag, shout, yell, scream, slam doors, cry and
tell us they are unhappy -- then they *are* unhappy and we need to
listen to them. >>
Guess what?
People who are regulars here won't be surprised.
Some of the new people won't believe it.
My kids don't yell, scream, slam doors, cry or tell me they're unhappy.
Sometimes they fuss and nag a little. <g>
When Holly's unhappy about something she'll say so, but she's happy with her
life and says so.
When we first moved, Kirby was nine and unhappy to have moved, his dad was
working in another state and wasn't here much, Kirby hates changes and was
turning ten and eleven with younger siblings in the house. One of his means
of expression was slamming his bedroom door.
Gradually the frame slid in and the wood around the latch plate broke.
Repairs weren't possible without squaring the frame again. He went a while
without being able to latch his door.
He got older, realized he had broken his door himself over time, and when
Keith finally did get a chance to fix it and put a lock on it and all, Kirby
was careful (and had matured past the desire to slam, too).
The other two haven't been slammers.
When I was a kid I learned not to yell or slam doors or express too much
because it wasn't going to do any good. I gave up on some stuff, and just
watched the calendar until I was old enough to leave. That's not good
behavior, that's going underground.
<<<< When they fuss, nag, shout, yell, scream, slam doors, cry and
tell us they are unhappy -- then they *are* unhappy and we need to
listen to them. >>>>
Some people say "Kids are just that way." "Kids will be kids."
"Teens have to rebel and act out" or whatever all phrases parents say to each
other which mean "Let's ignore them and blame them or hormones for their
unhappiness."
When I was little I cried myself to sleep lots of times, being disappointed,
in trouble, furious, scared, lonely, hating the dark...
My kids go to sleep happy.
Sandra
<< When they fuss, nag, shout, yell, scream, slam doors, cry and
tell us they are unhappy -- then they *are* unhappy and we need to
listen to them. >>
Guess what?
People who are regulars here won't be surprised.
Some of the new people won't believe it.
My kids don't yell, scream, slam doors, cry or tell me they're unhappy.
Sometimes they fuss and nag a little. <g>
When Holly's unhappy about something she'll say so, but she's happy with her
life and says so.
When we first moved, Kirby was nine and unhappy to have moved, his dad was
working in another state and wasn't here much, Kirby hates changes and was
turning ten and eleven with younger siblings in the house. One of his means
of expression was slamming his bedroom door.
Gradually the frame slid in and the wood around the latch plate broke.
Repairs weren't possible without squaring the frame again. He went a while
without being able to latch his door.
He got older, realized he had broken his door himself over time, and when
Keith finally did get a chance to fix it and put a lock on it and all, Kirby
was careful (and had matured past the desire to slam, too).
The other two haven't been slammers.
When I was a kid I learned not to yell or slam doors or express too much
because it wasn't going to do any good. I gave up on some stuff, and just
watched the calendar until I was old enough to leave. That's not good
behavior, that's going underground.
<<<< When they fuss, nag, shout, yell, scream, slam doors, cry and
tell us they are unhappy -- then they *are* unhappy and we need to
listen to them. >>>>
Some people say "Kids are just that way." "Kids will be kids."
"Teens have to rebel and act out" or whatever all phrases parents say to each
other which mean "Let's ignore them and blame them or hormones for their
unhappiness."
When I was little I cried myself to sleep lots of times, being disappointed,
in trouble, furious, scared, lonely, hating the dark...
My kids go to sleep happy.
Sandra
Peggy
Date: Wed, 5 Feb 2003 22:46:36 EST
From: SandraDodd@...
that way. And I don't think they ever have. I know they have never gone
to sleep crying.
never been a place of exile or punishment.
Peggy
From: SandraDodd@...
>I knew that. ;)
>
> In a message dated 2/5/03 10:50:31 AM, durrell@... writes:
>
> << When they fuss, nag, shout, yell, scream, slam doors, cry and
> tell us they are unhappy -- then they *are* unhappy and we need to
> listen to them. >>
>
> Guess what?
>
> People who are regulars here won't be surprised.
> Some of the new people won't believe it.Really? I guess I'm always optimistic that seeing it in writing will help.
>I'm glad to hear that. ;)
> My kids don't yell, scream, slam doors, cry or tell me they're unhappy.
>
> Sometimes they fuss and nag a little. <g>
> Some people say "Kids are just that way." "Kids will be kids."Yes. I remember telling myself that my own children would never feel
> "Teens have to rebel and act out" or whatever all phrases parents say to each
> other which mean "Let's ignore them and blame them or hormones for their
> unhappiness."
>
> When I was little I cried myself to sleep lots of times, being disappointed,
> in trouble, furious, scared, lonely, hating the dark...
that way. And I don't think they ever have. I know they have never gone
to sleep crying.
>Mine do too. Sleep is a place of comfort and safety to them. Bedtime has
> My kids go to sleep happy.
never been a place of exile or punishment.
Peggy
Andrea
At 07:29 AM 2/6/03 +0000, Peggy wrote:
this, or if they do, refuse to act on it.
Donna Andrea
>I remember telling myself that my own children would never feelIt's a constant source of amazement to me that more parents can't remember
>that way.
this, or if they do, refuse to act on it.
Donna Andrea