Re: [Unschooling-dotcom] kid hair freedoms -- long
[email protected]
Hi! My name is Sharon and I usually lurk here, have written a few
times. Just curious how others here possibly would handle this...
My 6 yo ds has decided to let his hair grow long. My dh and I have no
problem with this, he lets us clean it no problem and it's his head.
And probably by summer he will shave it as usual.
It is amazing how many people insist on telling him he needs a hair cut!
My own mom who is fairly open minded has even gotten into this and has
brought it up several times over the past few weeks. She suggests a
trim to keep it from being "shaggy". But he likes it the way it is. I
see this as part of the unschooling lifestyle -- letting make his own
decisions about his life and body.
My mom and I actually ended up having an argument about this. I guess
she is concerned about how others view him..just seeing a kid that needs
a haircut. She wants to "help them see he is a beautiful boy." But one
of my points to her is those people are shallow and won't "get " it
anyway!
I was very upset and angry because I regarded all of this as a power
struggle and also as a slight indication that she thought we weren't
handling this "properly" or something??! She thinks she is being
helpful-- suggesting she take him to get the trim-- but when we didn't
want this help she got offended. I think she is overstepping
boundaries.
I realize this may all sound trivial but again, to me it is the
principle of what we are striving for here. Any thoughts, ideas,
suggestions?
Thanks --you all have been such inspirations! Sharon
times. Just curious how others here possibly would handle this...
My 6 yo ds has decided to let his hair grow long. My dh and I have no
problem with this, he lets us clean it no problem and it's his head.
And probably by summer he will shave it as usual.
It is amazing how many people insist on telling him he needs a hair cut!
My own mom who is fairly open minded has even gotten into this and has
brought it up several times over the past few weeks. She suggests a
trim to keep it from being "shaggy". But he likes it the way it is. I
see this as part of the unschooling lifestyle -- letting make his own
decisions about his life and body.
My mom and I actually ended up having an argument about this. I guess
she is concerned about how others view him..just seeing a kid that needs
a haircut. She wants to "help them see he is a beautiful boy." But one
of my points to her is those people are shallow and won't "get " it
anyway!
I was very upset and angry because I regarded all of this as a power
struggle and also as a slight indication that she thought we weren't
handling this "properly" or something??! She thinks she is being
helpful-- suggesting she take him to get the trim-- but when we didn't
want this help she got offended. I think she is overstepping
boundaries.
I realize this may all sound trivial but again, to me it is the
principle of what we are striving for here. Any thoughts, ideas,
suggestions?
Thanks --you all have been such inspirations! Sharon
[email protected]
In a message dated 2/4/03 7:37:36 PM Eastern Standard Time,
sharonashleigh@... writes:
saying anything. Now strangers think my boys are girls. The boys are used
to it and just casually say "no...we are boys". A lot of people think it is
cool and I try to point out when I see a man with long hair. It is that in
between stage when people say they need a hair cut. When it gets long they
stop saying that.
Pam G.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
sharonashleigh@... writes:
> My 6 yo ds has decided to let his hair grow long. My dh and I have noI would always say it is his hair. Then after it grew longer they stopped
> problem with this, he lets us clean it no problem and it's his head.
> And probably by summer he will shave it as usual.
> It is amazing how many people insist on telling him he needs a hair cut!
>
saying anything. Now strangers think my boys are girls. The boys are used
to it and just casually say "no...we are boys". A lot of people think it is
cool and I try to point out when I see a man with long hair. It is that in
between stage when people say they need a hair cut. When it gets long they
stop saying that.
Pam G.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Kelly Grimes
My oldest son (6)always grows his hair long all winter
and usually cuts it in the summer. This is especially
offensive to dh's parents for some reason,as they see
it as unclean or uncared for. The funny thing about
that is Dh had long hair as a child and still does
now! He had shoulder lenghth hair for most of his
early childhood and from teen years to present it is
nearly waist length. Some people just seem to think
that a long haired child shows a lack of the parental
control thing. I just tell my son that it is his hair
and he can wear it however he wishes, but I tell him
that some people may call him a girl or tell him to
cut it so he won't be shocked and so hurt by other's
reactions.
=====
KELLY
mama to:
RAINY
PHOENIX
& TIA
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and usually cuts it in the summer. This is especially
offensive to dh's parents for some reason,as they see
it as unclean or uncared for. The funny thing about
that is Dh had long hair as a child and still does
now! He had shoulder lenghth hair for most of his
early childhood and from teen years to present it is
nearly waist length. Some people just seem to think
that a long haired child shows a lack of the parental
control thing. I just tell my son that it is his hair
and he can wear it however he wishes, but I tell him
that some people may call him a girl or tell him to
cut it so he won't be shocked and so hurt by other's
reactions.
=====
KELLY
mama to:
RAINY
PHOENIX
& TIA
__________________________________________________
Do you Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Mail Plus - Powerful. Affordable. Sign up now.
http://mailplus.yahoo.com
Have a Nice Day!
We've had a bit of a different experience here. My son pierced his lip on Sunday night.
He knew I just can't *stand* piercings there...just a personal thing with me. Its really revolting to me, as are toungue piercings. I can take the eyebrow, the ears, the cartilage, even a belly button. But NOT the toungue, nose, or lip. It just looks like a big ole silver zit.
Anyway I saw it the next morning and I told him that he can pierce what he wants but I think its totally gross!!!! (I can tell him that because he expects me to be honest). He was totally up front about telling me that he only did it for the shock value. He likes to see other people's reactions.
I *did* admit that *I* was not comfortable with it. And I also mentioned that his girl friend's parents might not want him around their daughter if they see it. I think he honestly hadn't thought about that. I told him that like it or not, people *are* going to pass judgement and make decisions regarding their own kids and whether or not they would tolerate his friendship based on that little bit of shock value and I asked him if he thought it was worth that.
I also explained that like it or not, his choice to pierce his lip might reflect in unwanted ways on me and his dad as parents, and asked him (leaving it up to him) if he would at least wait until he is 18.
He took it out. It looks like it is getting infected anyway, and he'd have to take it out for swim meets too (or get disqualified). He left it out. I'm not sure of his reasons, and thats ok. And if he REALLY has to have it, I won't make an issue out of it (and he knows that). I just wanted him to know the reality of the social consequences and that I personally thinks its gross.
He was ok with my feelings on it and seemed concerned about how it might reflect on me. I appreciate his consideration of my feelings.
Kristen
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
He knew I just can't *stand* piercings there...just a personal thing with me. Its really revolting to me, as are toungue piercings. I can take the eyebrow, the ears, the cartilage, even a belly button. But NOT the toungue, nose, or lip. It just looks like a big ole silver zit.
Anyway I saw it the next morning and I told him that he can pierce what he wants but I think its totally gross!!!! (I can tell him that because he expects me to be honest). He was totally up front about telling me that he only did it for the shock value. He likes to see other people's reactions.
I *did* admit that *I* was not comfortable with it. And I also mentioned that his girl friend's parents might not want him around their daughter if they see it. I think he honestly hadn't thought about that. I told him that like it or not, people *are* going to pass judgement and make decisions regarding their own kids and whether or not they would tolerate his friendship based on that little bit of shock value and I asked him if he thought it was worth that.
I also explained that like it or not, his choice to pierce his lip might reflect in unwanted ways on me and his dad as parents, and asked him (leaving it up to him) if he would at least wait until he is 18.
He took it out. It looks like it is getting infected anyway, and he'd have to take it out for swim meets too (or get disqualified). He left it out. I'm not sure of his reasons, and thats ok. And if he REALLY has to have it, I won't make an issue out of it (and he knows that). I just wanted him to know the reality of the social consequences and that I personally thinks its gross.
He was ok with my feelings on it and seemed concerned about how it might reflect on me. I appreciate his consideration of my feelings.
Kristen
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Andrea
Hi Sharon,
I also have boys who occasionally have let their hair grow. My
seven-year-old especially dislikes haircuts and has often had longish
hair. Right now it is quite long because he hasn't had it cut since
August. He says it keeps him warm in the winter!
When faced with a persistent, interfering person, I like to use the repeat
method. Once I have stated my position adequately I calmly repeat a phrase
over and over when that person tries to argue with me. In your case, that
may be, "Dylan (e.g.) likes his hair long. It is his hair and he can wear
it any way he wants." Deep calming breaths help as well :-) When she says,
"Yes, but..." you look her in the eye and repeat the phrase. I learned this
method at La Leche League for those people who thought four months was an
awful long time to nurse a baby, etc. You can add "I'm not going to argue
about this" to the beginning as well. I tend to get flustered when I try to
argue; I don't have the mental agility that some people have (like my
sister-in-law) so sticking to that one phrase really helps me not get drawn
into an argument that will leave me in knots.
Eric, my seven-y.o., uses a different method. He looks at the person as if
they are nuts and walks away. Doesn't matter if it is his Grampie or a
stranger on the bus. Sometimes he adds a hmmmph. It's effective but I think
the reason he does this is that he doesn't yet understand what people are
doing when they say things like that. We don't care if his hair is long so
why should anyone else care who means less or nothing to him?
Donna Andrea in Nova Scotia
I also have boys who occasionally have let their hair grow. My
seven-year-old especially dislikes haircuts and has often had longish
hair. Right now it is quite long because he hasn't had it cut since
August. He says it keeps him warm in the winter!
When faced with a persistent, interfering person, I like to use the repeat
method. Once I have stated my position adequately I calmly repeat a phrase
over and over when that person tries to argue with me. In your case, that
may be, "Dylan (e.g.) likes his hair long. It is his hair and he can wear
it any way he wants." Deep calming breaths help as well :-) When she says,
"Yes, but..." you look her in the eye and repeat the phrase. I learned this
method at La Leche League for those people who thought four months was an
awful long time to nurse a baby, etc. You can add "I'm not going to argue
about this" to the beginning as well. I tend to get flustered when I try to
argue; I don't have the mental agility that some people have (like my
sister-in-law) so sticking to that one phrase really helps me not get drawn
into an argument that will leave me in knots.
Eric, my seven-y.o., uses a different method. He looks at the person as if
they are nuts and walks away. Doesn't matter if it is his Grampie or a
stranger on the bus. Sometimes he adds a hmmmph. It's effective but I think
the reason he does this is that he doesn't yet understand what people are
doing when they say things like that. We don't care if his hair is long so
why should anyone else care who means less or nothing to him?
Donna Andrea in Nova Scotia
Karin
sharonashleigh@...> wrote:
going through many similar things with our son right now. In fact, my dh is
also growing his hair longer at the same time, and getting alot of the same
comments that my son is!
My son is 11 - 12 in a few months, and about 6 months ago he decided to let
his hair grow.
Well, in the past few months it has really gotten noticeable and so have the
comments about it's length!
I cannot believe the nerve of some people!
For the most part, we haven't heard a thing from strangers comments.
But our next-door neighbor (who is mr. crew-cut jock type) has had a lot to
say, and the thing that bothers me most is he says things directly to my
son, never in front of me.
He tells Ben "get a hair cut - you look like a hippie" and "your parents let
you have long hair like that?".
Well, I think he dropped the comments when he recently saw that my husband
has noticeably longer hair, too. ;-)
The worst comments, though, have come from my husband's mother.
She has something to say just about every time we see her to both my husband
and my son.
She is always telling them to get a haircut - that they would look so much
better.
I think that my husband has gotten it through to her that she better get
used to the look because he ain't changin' for her and neither is my son. In
fact, he told her that his having long hair is a test to see if she really
loves him for "him" or for his "hair".
She has laid off in the past month or so - this could also be due to a shift
in focus though because of a recent family death.
Anyway, I know where you're coming from. I get really defensive when people
put either my son or dh down for their length of hair. They are still the
same people on the inside, afterall. And for some reason, it really bothers
people ALOT! My son and I had a discussion about this subject just
yesterday. He was wondering why it's such a big deal to have long hair to
some people. We talked about how society has a certain expectation of how
men and women should look, and if they look different people get
uncomfortable. We talked about how it used to be that women weren't allowed
to wear pants. My son thought that was ridiculous!
My son and my husband still have their long-ish hair. We'll see how long <g>
it lasts.
Karin
> My 6 yo ds has decided to let his hair grow long. My dh and I have no<snip>
> problem with this, he lets us clean it no problem and it's his head.
> And probably by summer he will shave it as usual.
> It is amazing how many people insist on telling him he needs a hair cut!
> I realize this may all sound trivial but again, to me it is theSharon, your post really jumped out at me and I had to respond because we're
> principle of what we are striving for here. Any thoughts, ideas,
> suggestions?
>
going through many similar things with our son right now. In fact, my dh is
also growing his hair longer at the same time, and getting alot of the same
comments that my son is!
My son is 11 - 12 in a few months, and about 6 months ago he decided to let
his hair grow.
Well, in the past few months it has really gotten noticeable and so have the
comments about it's length!
I cannot believe the nerve of some people!
For the most part, we haven't heard a thing from strangers comments.
But our next-door neighbor (who is mr. crew-cut jock type) has had a lot to
say, and the thing that bothers me most is he says things directly to my
son, never in front of me.
He tells Ben "get a hair cut - you look like a hippie" and "your parents let
you have long hair like that?".
Well, I think he dropped the comments when he recently saw that my husband
has noticeably longer hair, too. ;-)
The worst comments, though, have come from my husband's mother.
She has something to say just about every time we see her to both my husband
and my son.
She is always telling them to get a haircut - that they would look so much
better.
I think that my husband has gotten it through to her that she better get
used to the look because he ain't changin' for her and neither is my son. In
fact, he told her that his having long hair is a test to see if she really
loves him for "him" or for his "hair".
She has laid off in the past month or so - this could also be due to a shift
in focus though because of a recent family death.
Anyway, I know where you're coming from. I get really defensive when people
put either my son or dh down for their length of hair. They are still the
same people on the inside, afterall. And for some reason, it really bothers
people ALOT! My son and I had a discussion about this subject just
yesterday. He was wondering why it's such a big deal to have long hair to
some people. We talked about how society has a certain expectation of how
men and women should look, and if they look different people get
uncomfortable. We talked about how it used to be that women weren't allowed
to wear pants. My son thought that was ridiculous!
My son and my husband still have their long-ish hair. We'll see how long <g>
it lasts.
Karin
[email protected]
In a message dated 2/4/03 5:37:41 PM, sharonashleigh@... writes:
<< I realize this may all sound trivial but again, to me it is the
principle of what we are striving for here. Any thoughts, ideas,
suggestions? >>
I would say "Leave him alone about his hair."
Sandra
<< I realize this may all sound trivial but again, to me it is the
principle of what we are striving for here. Any thoughts, ideas,
suggestions? >>
I would say "Leave him alone about his hair."
Sandra
Deborah Lewis
My son is ten now and has worn his hair long from about six years old.
He was often mistaken for a girl, but without that very important
socialization public schooled children get <g> he never felt it was an
insult if someone thought he was female. He simply corrected them and
that was that. We talked about the reasons people expect boys to have
short hair. We talked about people who were rude, and people who just
hadn't thought about it, and Dylan could tell the difference and adjust
his response accordingly.
We did get grief from some family members, but repeated reminders that no
one was telling them how to wear their hair seemed to eventually work.
Dylan cut his waist length hair last summer then let it grow some. He
cut it again in early December, some of that having to do with it getting
pulled a lot in Judo throws and holds. He's decided to let it grow
again. I'll have a long haired kid in the summer I guess.
Life is so interesting.<g>
Deb L
He was often mistaken for a girl, but without that very important
socialization public schooled children get <g> he never felt it was an
insult if someone thought he was female. He simply corrected them and
that was that. We talked about the reasons people expect boys to have
short hair. We talked about people who were rude, and people who just
hadn't thought about it, and Dylan could tell the difference and adjust
his response accordingly.
We did get grief from some family members, but repeated reminders that no
one was telling them how to wear their hair seemed to eventually work.
Dylan cut his waist length hair last summer then let it grow some. He
cut it again in early December, some of that having to do with it getting
pulled a lot in Judo throws and holds. He's decided to let it grow
again. I'll have a long haired kid in the summer I guess.
Life is so interesting.<g>
Deb L
Peggy
Date: Wed, 5 Feb 2003 00:00:01 EST
From: SandraDodd@...
your mom's hair and it isn't her business.
Peggy
From: SandraDodd@...
> In a message dated 2/4/03 5:37:41 PM, sharonashleigh@... writes:Excellent suggestion! It really is that simple. Your son's hair is not
>
> << I realize this may all sound trivial but again, to me it is the
> principle of what we are striving for here. Any thoughts, ideas,
> suggestions? >>
>
> I would say "Leave him alone about his hair."
your mom's hair and it isn't her business.
Peggy
the_clevengers <[email protected]>
--- In [email protected], sharonashleigh@w... wrote:
his hair long (and it's definitely in that shaggy stage, LOL!), and
my 3 y.o. daughter decided to dye hers purple. Boy, people *really*
freak out about that one, as if it's doing some horrible damage that
a 3 y.o. can have control over what color she wants her hair. It's
non-toxic dye, what's the problem?
In any case, what I said to my mom was something to the effect of:
You raised me, and you made your choices. You are my mom, but you are
not my kid's mom. You can respect the fact that we let them make
their own choices about clothes, hair, etc. or you can not be around
them. You can't belittle them or their choices.
My husband was a bit more blunt. When we were going out, my daughter
put on some dress-up clothes and pink fuzzy slippers. My mom
said "You can't wear *that* to the theatre", and my DH said "Yes she
can." End of story.
Eventually, my mom has gotten the point. :-)
One thing that I did a while ago that really helped is that I wrote
my mom a letter on mother's day, thanking her for all the things she
did that I appreciated growing up. The special birthday parties, the
camping trips, the fact that she breastfed me for a year in a culture
that really looked down on that. I think it helped her to see that my
different parenting choices are not total criticisms of her choices,
just things we choose to do differently. There is a lot that I
respect about the way my folks raised me, and some things that I
totally don't agree with. Doing this also helped her see the ways in
which she bucked the norm - breastfeeding, being a stay-at-home mom
with a college degree in an era of women's lib, etc. and I think
helped her understand better why I choose to do things differently.
After all, I'm only doing what she taught me to - stick up for the
things I believe in :-)
Blue Skies,
-Robin-
> Hi! My name is Sharon and I usually lurk here, have written a fewno
> times. Just curious how others here possibly would handle this...
>
> My 6 yo ds has decided to let his hair grow long. My dh and I have
> problem with this, he lets us clean it no problem and it's his head.cut!
> And probably by summer he will shave it as usual.
> It is amazing how many people insist on telling him he needs a hair
> My own mom who is fairly open minded has even gotten into this andhas
> brought it up several times over the past few weeks.We've had similar issues with my mom as my son has decided to grow
his hair long (and it's definitely in that shaggy stage, LOL!), and
my 3 y.o. daughter decided to dye hers purple. Boy, people *really*
freak out about that one, as if it's doing some horrible damage that
a 3 y.o. can have control over what color she wants her hair. It's
non-toxic dye, what's the problem?
In any case, what I said to my mom was something to the effect of:
You raised me, and you made your choices. You are my mom, but you are
not my kid's mom. You can respect the fact that we let them make
their own choices about clothes, hair, etc. or you can not be around
them. You can't belittle them or their choices.
My husband was a bit more blunt. When we were going out, my daughter
put on some dress-up clothes and pink fuzzy slippers. My mom
said "You can't wear *that* to the theatre", and my DH said "Yes she
can." End of story.
Eventually, my mom has gotten the point. :-)
One thing that I did a while ago that really helped is that I wrote
my mom a letter on mother's day, thanking her for all the things she
did that I appreciated growing up. The special birthday parties, the
camping trips, the fact that she breastfed me for a year in a culture
that really looked down on that. I think it helped her to see that my
different parenting choices are not total criticisms of her choices,
just things we choose to do differently. There is a lot that I
respect about the way my folks raised me, and some things that I
totally don't agree with. Doing this also helped her see the ways in
which she bucked the norm - breastfeeding, being a stay-at-home mom
with a college degree in an era of women's lib, etc. and I think
helped her understand better why I choose to do things differently.
After all, I'm only doing what she taught me to - stick up for the
things I believe in :-)
Blue Skies,
-Robin-