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I've been having discussion both here and at the message board about how my
shift in thinking came about, how long it took etc...
And I've taken some heat for it, so I thought I'd share an old post here,
hopefully to inspire someone (or maybe make someone laugh).
The cool thing is, I had argued for tv limits prior to the following post,
and it's obvious I was thinking about things and not completely convinced
about tv limits anymore by the time I posted this.....so here it is, and it
was not long after that I let go completely.
Reading back on it, I realize where my sons obssesive behavior came
from....ME!!
Me and my controlling methods. sigh.....




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By ren on Thursday, August 16, 2001 - 08:16 pm:
Kim, I totally know what you mean! I have one that will do nothing but veg if
allowed complete access. He will even forget to eat...how healthy is that? I
mean he could go ALL day with no food, completely excluding any and all
activity to focus on tv or gameboy. Dh and I just can't watch him do this day
after day...we encourage him to turn it off after a while, or we insist on
going somewhere of his choosing to get him looking in other directions. There
are some very addictive individuals...I really hope that by allowing him a
lot of control and gradually giving more and more he will learn a balance for
himself. My other kids aren't like that at all. It could partly be the almost
12 y.o. thing too in his case...I try to remember that.

As to the waiting for "magical" moments and trusting they will absorb
learning....it really does happen! My oldest was totally hyper at
three...couldn't seem to focus long at all. I even gave up on library story
times with him, just too stressful for me! He didn't want to learn how to
count..all his friends seemed to pick up on this stuff before him. But guess
what? It didn't matter that he learned it later than them...he knows it now.
He reads avidly. He's addicted to tv--read above whining--but when we
"unplug" him he is full of interesting conversation and intellect. I recently
was taught the value of trusting him again (I know, I know Sandra...I don't
totally trust him if I limit tv or gameboy!) He had been interested in
learning some magic tricks a few months back so we went to the library
and I helped him check out a bunch of books. He learned some cool card tricks
(we still can't figure out how he does some of them) and then his interest
faded. I was kinda sad to see him not pursue something I saw as a positive
interest but knew I should not/could not push it or say anything....it would
only turn him off. So a few months passes and all of the sudden the last few
days he is online looking to buy some magic props and practicing up on his
old tricks, now talking about starting a business out of entertaining at kids
Birthday parties. So interests come and go. Same for us. And what seems to be
no interest one day can turn into obsession not much later. I really do trust
them for the most part...obviously I have a hard time with too much tv, I see
it as inactivity. I HAVE however, learned to not view it as a negative
influence as I did previously. And I give them A LOT of say and control over
their time now. If I think it's getting overwhelming I just ask them to come
up with a plan for the day...."where can we go that would be fun?" usually
works. This 11 1/2 y.o. lethargy can be discouraging!! I hear some others
going through it and try to relax.....


Ren from January 2003 now:
I think that first paragraph shows how I was trying to "transition" also....I
was hearing what everyone was saying and trying to let go of control. It came
in fits and starts before leveling out and becoming natural.
So any newbies that are discouraged, please don't think it's the relaxing and
trusting your kids that is wrong.
When parents change, it is something the children don't understand
completely. There is a transition time for all and it takes thought,
encouragement, tweaking and trusting.
It doesn't happen overnight for those of us that don't have this
understanding the moment our children are born.
I envy those that do!!
I was raised in a very strict Christian sect, so there was a lot to
overcome....but it DOES work. Trusting my children has changed the entire
tone of our home.
Being a mother has never been better.
Don't give up.
Keep posting when things don't work and let everyone give you input, even if
it hurts and causes frustration.
Because that's what got me where I am today.
I had so many times I'd come back on and say JOYCE, SANDRA, ANNE!!! My kid is
STiLL addicted, what do I do?
And they would calmly, pointedly tell me "DEAL with it" :) in a nicer way
actually.
They gave me advice that changed our lives.
It worked. It will always work. But only if we as the adults are willing for
immensely difficult and sometimes painful change.
Hang in there ..........

Ren
"The sun is shining--the sun is shining. That is the magic. The flowers are
growing--the roots are stirring. That is the magic. Being alive is the
magic--being strong is the magic The magic is in me--the magic is in
me....It's in every one of us."

----Frances Hodgson
Burnett