Robyn Carter

Hey ya'll;
I thought I'd have a million responses to my question about J "trying"
middle school again this year! Thanks Mary and Brenda for your input, but I
am still floundering about letting her decide to do this again. Yes, it
might only last another 5 days. We have had so much big change this year,
and I wonder if this request from her is just response to the changes we've
already had. What do I say? I feel that she's desperate for friends here,
so is willing to even go to school to fill that need. She has a ton of
activities, but I don't think that 1 friend to be really close to the way
girls seem to be at this age (13). Yes, I get the unschooling philosophy
that says let them try, but what about the rest of the family? What about
what we need?
Robyn

uu4peace <[email protected]>

Have you read The Teenage Liberation handbook? It has a nice chapter
on the subject---pointing out that the "socialization" of the
classroom is not what the social mythology claims(there are other
books and sources out ther---just don't have them on the top of my
head right now). How was your classroom experience? If it was not
pleasnt share those experiences with her--alot and with true feelings
or share experiences you observed of others who were not having a
good experience.It it help balance the social mythology that our kids
are bombarded with everywhere(movies, T V, books, and pressure by
well meaning but misguided relatives, etc.). One point that hit home
for my kids was if the classroom experience is so great why is there
so many venues trying to pump kids up---if it was so wonderful the
abundance of propoganda would not exist. Many folks are very, very
lonely in the midst of plenty in the classroom setting---it is not
really set up to support friendships. While it important to support
our children in their decisions, all such important and life altering
decisions should be made with full information. In this case the
info readily available is very one sided in support of the classroom;
one needs to search out and do some careful introspection to bring
balance to the subject. The classroom works for some, for some it is
truly wonderful---for some it truly misable---for some just not the
best possible option of the way to invest their time and emotional
energy. It most certainly can be a life altering experience, not
only for the "student" but for the entire family and should be
approached with careful consideration. In our family we consider all
members to be of equal importance and base our decisions not only how
it will effect one but how it will effect others and the group as a
whole. And so I believe you are right to be concerned as to how it
will effect the family; I also believe you have equal right to make a
choice as to what you are willing to involve yourself with as your
children.
I could say much more but have probably said enough already to get
myself in trouble with some. This is an issue we talked about at
great length in our family and have seen come up in the homeschool
community. For what it is worth my son went through the same
struggle but after careful research and much soul searching decided
to remain home (with a new appreciation for it). As for loneliness,
he stopped looking for a homeschooler is own age and started to focus
his attention on his areas of interest and has found that friendship
is more than folks banding together to try to survive a miserable
experience and that real friends come in a variety of ages. Really
how many friends do you have that are within nine months of your
age? The aged/grade level based classroom is an artifically
contrived environment that does not reflect "real life" or "adult"
life. His life is becoming fuller and richer each day and he is
truly preparing himslf for his future now instead of having to
figuire all this out after "graduation" when there are so many other
big issues on one's mind that also need attention. You here and see
repeated the loneliness and confusion that occurs in recent grads
when they discover that the real world not work the way school did.
Hope this gives you food for thought. And I hope your family finds
the circumstances that work the best for you all, whatever that may
be. All the best to you and yours.

Barbara

--- In [email protected], "Robyn Carter"
<rcarter@w...> wrote:
> Hey ya'll;
> I thought I'd have a million responses to my question about
J "trying"
> middle school again this year! Thanks Mary and Brenda for your
input, but I
> am still floundering about letting her decide to do this again.
Yes, it
> might only last another 5 days. We have had so much big change this
year,
> and I wonder if this request from her is just response to the
changes we've
> already had. What do I say? I feel that she's desperate for
friends here,
> so is willing to even go to school to fill that need. She has a ton
of
> activities, but I don't think that 1 friend to be really close to
the way
> girls seem to be at this age (13). Yes, I get the unschooling
philosophy
> that says let them try, but what about the rest of the family? What
about
> what we need?
> Robyn

[email protected]

In a message dated 1/22/03 8:24:25 AM, rcarter@... writes:

<< Yes, I get the unschooling philosophy
that says let them try, but what about the rest of the family? What about
what we need? >>

If it doesn't seem right to you don't do it!
Whether you got two or fifty responses here, it wouldn't change the fact that
YOU have to decide. Look into her eyes. Ask her why she wants to do it. We
don't know. SHE might not know.

If she wants more interaction with other kids, it is your immediate duty to
FIND that for her. Not to just keep doing what you're doing the way you've
been doing. If she's saying "I need more" or "I need different" you need to
find her more and different.

If she knows you don't think school is a good option and you're ignoring her
needs and she goes so far as to say "I would rather go to school than stay
here the way things are right now," will you not THEN look into her eyes and
say "What can we do to make things better without you going to school?"

That's my opinion.

Sometimes unschooling parents forget they need to be mixing things up, not
settling into quiet at-home life without kid-speed opportunities.

Sandra

Mary Bianco

>From: "Robyn Carter" <rcarter@...>

<<Yes, I get the unschooling philosophy that says let them try, but what
about the rest of the family? What about what we need?>>


Before you let her go back or make the decision to not let her, find out
exactly why, if you can, she wants to go to school. If it's just because of
the friend situation, then I would go the extra mile and find some people
for her to hang with. It might not be easy and it might take awhile to find
someone she clicks with, but if she sees you make the effort and joins in,
it might be enough for her right now until she finds friends.

If it's not just the friend situation and it's school itself, then what
would it really hurt for her to find out about going back? If it's anything
like last time, you may have a week of inconvenience. If that's all it takes
for her to find her way, I don't think it would be too much to handle. And
if she finds she likes it and wants to stay, well your schedule would
change, but if it's what she desires, isn't that really what you want her to
do anyway?

Mary B


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