Thad Martin

hi carolyn,

finally i'm getting to respond to your email sorry it took me so long.

they really wanted to have their kid be "perfect". OY OY OY.
i find the thoughts and judgments of others to be very loud and invasive
and i've struggled with the expectations of others. i found it hard to
respond to situations the way i wanted to with this 'yammering' in my
ears. finally i just made a hard personal stand to let the judgments be
and just ignore them - this was very difficult.

I'm guessing you mean play in general, not play to find a way to make
them give up their toys! :)
absolutely as tempting as coercion maybe in the long run i believe it
undermines the child's ability to be trusting and honest - the ends
don't justify the means.

A man at our Ethical culture meeting recently told a story about how he
found a little boy throwing rocks at a squirrel in a tree. He was
internally appalled but then he asked the little boy *why* he was doing
it. The boy replied "so I can get the squirrel to come down and I can
take care of him and have him as a pet." Man. That story has stayed
with me. I always try to ask Annie (even at her age--I hope that it
will rub off) what she's trying to do when something happens that
surprises me.

this is a great example of just how differently a child perceives his
own actions. it's our responsibility to understand the perspective of
the child to help them learn to act and communicate just what they
intend. it's not that we should let the child continue to 'throw rocks
at a squirrel in a tree' but to help them find ways in which their goal
will be achieved (bring some food and water out and give the squirrel
some distance)

here's a recent experience we've had. rene' (4) is very physical. he
likes to 'boink and be boinked :) he's extremely exuberant and vocal
and we've been 'struggling' with getting him to understand that most
people are different from him and don't like being 'boinked'.
intellectually he comprehends but he has yet to make this an instinctive
thing, so he spends lots of time saying he's sorry. we've tried
everything, holding him, talking to him, removing him, spanking
him-nothing works. so now i've been asking him what he would need for
him to stop and he said, after sometime, that i needed to teach him
manners and that was my job. i said i've been trying but nothing seems
to work. his reply was ' you need to be in my brain and stop me before
i do it'. my conclusion is that we all have our struggles and for some
fitting in and conforming to what is considered acceptable behavior is
their big hurdle. so my job is not to force conformity but to point out
options and alternatives he could choose and be patient and loving - but
diligent. for myself i needed to understand that often the answer is
not immediate or simple but developes over time.

i realized his behavior was merely a reflection of his relationship to
the world and that that relationship was facilitated not only by me but
by his age and every other relationship he had. what i needed to do was
to interpret what he was communication.

This end-part sounds kind of like the ethical culture story...but I'd
really appreciate it if you would say more on "his behavior was a
reflection of his relationship to the world", either on- or off-list.

i find in my own life that if i'm always being corrected or questioned
i spend most of my time and energy being defensive and virtually no
time or energy becoming the kind of person that i want to be. i think
we, culturally, size kids up (and their parents 'good kid=good
parent/bad kid=bad parent) and this, though often unspoken, is very much
felt and evokes a defensive attitude or perspective which detracts from
all relationships including the one we have with ourselves. children
need to learn to understand and communicate what is happening inside
them so they can develop compassion and understanding for themselves and
others but if conformity is all we want then the individual is lost.
it's important for children to learn that they are part of something
bigger than themselves but that the self is the vehicle for the
manifestation of this understanding. children need to separate
themselves and create an identity in a loving and compassionate
environment so that later they can be compassionate, understanding and
dynamic members of society.

if a child experiences constant judgment and correction they begin to
see the world as merely a place of power - who has it and who doesn't.
but if we reflect a different sort of world - one where their desires
and opinions matter (i don't want to share) then later they will ask and
care what is happening to others (since their own needs were recognized)
and for me this is the basic component of community.

my son knows that i have 'ultimate veto power' though he also knows i
never exercise this without completely hearing him out and if i do
'veto' something we discuss the reasons. yes this process is long and
involved and i've begun a discussion completely against something and
his stance has been compelling and i've changed my position. this
relationship is very fluid and though i do maintain a position of
authority, it is always in the context of trust and understanding. if
he does not feel understood he will never trust me and then my authority
would be merely power and that, in my opinion, would not help him
develop into a strong contributing member of society nor a happy and
satisfied individual.

That's a very instructive story, especially in the health-situation I'm
in right now. Thanks.
would you elaborate on your health situation. i came down with an
autoimmune disease, still's disease (believed to be vaccine related),
when rene' was 20 months old and it has radically changed our lives.


my thoughts,
susan austin, tx