Going to Japan/Sibling Separation
Brenda Rose
Suzanne,
Even though two of my kids are married and the third is away at college, so
far no one has gone "really far away." My 22 yod lives about ten miles from
us. My 24 yos was away at college (4 hour drive) for one year, then came
back home. When he got married he lived 20 miles, then 50 miles, and, as of
last April, now 200 miles away. What is neat is that he is going to grad
school in the same town his 20yos is at college, so even tho she is in a
dorm, they are there for each other. And she will get to play with the baby
a lot more than I will when it comes (due in Feb.).
All of my kids are close, and there is great excitement when one of the big
ones calls or comes home. The 20yo just went back to school yesterday. We
already miss her! But I think it helps that the 3 boys have each other to
play with ( and fight with) so at least they don't feel alone. Also, even
though their big brother is far (we see him about every 2 months or more)
they like their BIL just about as much. He plays with them and they model
after him (wear caps the same way, etc.). They see him every 1-2 weeks.
We all stay in touch, but are also very independent. We've never called or
visited daily like some families. When the two got married, we wanted to
give them their space. We only go over to visit when invited, no drop ins.
Both my DIL and my dd have told me they appreciate that. The other mothers
are a bit different - there more often, not always invited, and not always
appreciated when they just "stop by." But if any of us needs anything - to
talk, money, a favor, whatever - we're all there for each other and we all
know it. The younger boys see that, too.
How long will son #1 be gone? That might make a difference in how they feel
about it. Will he be able to come home for visits, like on holidays?
When mine have just gone on trips (2-3weeks) they have always sent
postcards, brought back souvenirs, and called and talked with everyone.
Maybe your family can do things to try and *be* together - like have same
meals, try out some of the customs, share as much as you can long-distance.
Also, let son #2 express his feelings, then do constructive things to try to
feel better - write, e-mail, make a gift, anything that connects him with
his brother (watch *their* favorite movie, play a game, etc.). These are
some of the things we did when the baby died - we let the boys play with the
baby's toys, gave them their own framed and wallet pictures of Joel, let
them buy him things. This lasted for about the first year, then tapered
off. If your son has strong feelings of loss, there are books that will
give more ideas.
Finally, help them enjoy their time together now!
Brenda Rose
Even though two of my kids are married and the third is away at college, so
far no one has gone "really far away." My 22 yod lives about ten miles from
us. My 24 yos was away at college (4 hour drive) for one year, then came
back home. When he got married he lived 20 miles, then 50 miles, and, as of
last April, now 200 miles away. What is neat is that he is going to grad
school in the same town his 20yos is at college, so even tho she is in a
dorm, they are there for each other. And she will get to play with the baby
a lot more than I will when it comes (due in Feb.).
All of my kids are close, and there is great excitement when one of the big
ones calls or comes home. The 20yo just went back to school yesterday. We
already miss her! But I think it helps that the 3 boys have each other to
play with ( and fight with) so at least they don't feel alone. Also, even
though their big brother is far (we see him about every 2 months or more)
they like their BIL just about as much. He plays with them and they model
after him (wear caps the same way, etc.). They see him every 1-2 weeks.
We all stay in touch, but are also very independent. We've never called or
visited daily like some families. When the two got married, we wanted to
give them their space. We only go over to visit when invited, no drop ins.
Both my DIL and my dd have told me they appreciate that. The other mothers
are a bit different - there more often, not always invited, and not always
appreciated when they just "stop by." But if any of us needs anything - to
talk, money, a favor, whatever - we're all there for each other and we all
know it. The younger boys see that, too.
How long will son #1 be gone? That might make a difference in how they feel
about it. Will he be able to come home for visits, like on holidays?
When mine have just gone on trips (2-3weeks) they have always sent
postcards, brought back souvenirs, and called and talked with everyone.
Maybe your family can do things to try and *be* together - like have same
meals, try out some of the customs, share as much as you can long-distance.
Also, let son #2 express his feelings, then do constructive things to try to
feel better - write, e-mail, make a gift, anything that connects him with
his brother (watch *their* favorite movie, play a game, etc.). These are
some of the things we did when the baby died - we let the boys play with the
baby's toys, gave them their own framed and wallet pictures of Joel, let
them buy him things. This lasted for about the first year, then tapered
off. If your son has strong feelings of loss, there are books that will
give more ideas.
Finally, help them enjoy their time together now!
Brenda Rose