Alan & Brenda Leonard

I don't really have any perspective on Rachel Anne's concerns, but I was a
little bothered by Teresa G's comments.

> What I mean is: let's say I'm visiting my mom. If she fixed my bowl of
> cereal, picked up my dirty clothes, whatever, I'd feel as though she was
> treating me like a child. I would feel that she thought I was an imbecile who
> couldn't care for herself.
>
Really? When I go to visit my parents my Dad often fixes breakfast and
serves it to me at the table. It's one way he makes me feel welcome. It's
never made me think they thought me incapable of taking care of myself,
because I see it as an act of love.

My Mom usually comes up to get dirty laundry, if I stay a few days, and if
I've done my usual and it's just in a heap somewhere, she'll pick it up and
wash it. I invariably tell her she doesn't have to do that for me, and she
always tells me that she doesn't get to "baby" me much anymore. Considering
how poorly we get along most of the time, I appreciate a generous action
like that.

> If it were a situation where I lived there and she continued to do
> "everything" for me, I'd also start wondering why she seemed to have no
> respect for herself. I DO think that part of living in a family means that
> everyone is responsible to everyone else-- creating a mess and then expecting
> someone else to clean it up for you is disrespectful. If this occurred in my
> household and I'd made a mess and my mom cleaned it up, I'd feel as though she
> was allowing herself to be treated more like a servant than a mom.

Since discussing parents can be loaded with old issues, think of this from
your children's point of view. Do they really make a mess and *expect* you
to clean it up? Or are you bothered by the mess sooner than they are, so
you are the one who cleans it up? If you left the mess for the mess-maker
to deal with, would it happen? If the mess is in a public area, would a
simple, calm comment that it's in the way get it picked up when someone had
a moment?

And also, do you really feel like you're being treated like a servant when
you clean up for your children? Sometimes that's the only gift we can give
our kids.

We had a 14-year old boy live with us one summer while his mother was
dealing with her problems. He didn't need me to help him get dressed, or
give him a bath, read to him, or whatever because he did all those things by
himself (unlike my son, who still needed those things)! But I often made
him a sandwich before he went out, did his laundry, and picked up the
magazines strewn around his bed that he'd flipped through the night before.
Those were ways I could show him I cared. It was a gift. I know he said
several times that his Mom never did stuff for him. I told him I enjoyed
doing it, and I had.

That was 2 years ago. I talked to him on the phone last night. He called
me in Germany because he had a problem and thought I could help. I don't
recall any great advice I shelled out that summer, but the little stuff
built our relationship.

> Maybe that's just me-- but I think that there's a certain level of give & take
> here.

I'd be concerned if there was no give and take, but I really wonder if part
of the issue is our attitudes as Mom.

brenda