yolswandass <[email protected]>

<< > Sorry, should have said"You are mature enough to learn how to read."
> I don't know about you, but I know my children and what they are
>capable of. Two summers ago, my then 11 year old asked me to please
>make him some toast. He's a smart lad with hands and feet that work, I
>told him to make it himself because I was busy. He whined that he
>didn't know
> how. Well, I realized that I was allowing him to become helpless.>>
>

What happened to the value of mothering? IMO, kids (and adults too)
sometimes have a hard time expressing how they feel, and the only way
they find is by *regressing* a bit, if you know what I mean, and asking
things that may seem inappropriate to their age. They simply want to be
mothered, taken care of, comforted somehow and if your response is, "you
do it, I don't have time for you," or decide to grumpily do what they're
asking you to, the message is, "what you are trying to express here, or
what you are trying to be comforted for is not important." I mean, don't
you feel like that sometimes, too, like being comforted and taken care
of? I think it has to do with LOVE and not with maturity.

<< So I taught him how to make buttered toast! >>

Do you really think he didn't know how and you had to *teach* him? My
daughter knows how just by seeing me do it many times, and she is 4. I
truly believe his reasons for asking were different than what you
perceived.

<< I suppose I could have kept buttering his toast till he turns 49 (and
> I'm dead), but I have better things to do.>>

Do you give that same response to your husband if he asks you to butter
his toast, or do something for him, or to a friend? Haven't you ever
asked anyone to do something for you that you can actually do yourself?
I am bit surprised by your comments. You sound so cold!

I have nothing better to do than being a mom, it is my priority and I
love it (even though I love other things as well). And I have nothing
better to do than trying to be a better, more loving individual...

<< > I always say to my children, that I am happy to do for you what you
> cannot do, but----I have a life too, and it's of equal value, and
> therefore I should not do things for you that you are capable of doing
> yourself.>>
>

If what we want is to build a relationship based on trust and
understanding, the attitude that they *should* do it themselves when
they ask for help (read support, love, companionship, comfort,
togetherness, etc.) certainly doesn't help. I am not sure where you are
coming from and what kind of relationship you want to establish with
your kids, but from what you say I get the impression that it's one of
total *independence* (read distance) from each other.

<< > If I'm feeling generous, then I'll do things and that's a gift for
> both of us. Now my son is 13, and can do all kinds of things like
> butter his own toast and read to himself.>>

Generous??? That sounds more like it's a gift for him, since you're only
being "generous." Again, you seem so distant and cold to your kids...

I personally believe that this culture puts too much stress on kids
becoming "independent." Right after they're born they're supposed to go
in a separate bed, in a separate room, separated by school, and later a
job and a new family. No wonder why this society is so incredibly
dysfunctional. People are continuously pushed away since they're born!

I think it's great to see your kids grow and become autonomous, but at
their own pace and within the community of their family. I've always
wondered, what's the rush to kick them out???

<< > Just this evening, we snuggled up and I read the last 3 pages
of his
> book to him, the rest of which he read independently. Reading those 3
> pages together were a pleasure for both of us, (followed by an
> interesting discussion) . They were a pleasure because I didn't have
> to do it, and he didn't have to ask me to. >>


Maybe they were a pleasure for you for those reasons, but they might
have been a pleasure for him because in spite of being able to do it on
his own, you were WITH him. Just a thought.

Yol

I've been having problems with my e-mail. I had to post this at the
yahoo site. I am not changing identities... ;-)


--

Blue Lotus Therapeutics -
Ayurveda, Homeopathy, Yoga & Therapeutic Massage
http://www.bluelotustherapeutics.com

Dhyanyoga Center of NC -
Meditation - Kundalini Maha Yoga
http://www.dyc-nc.org

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When nothing is done, nothing is left undone. The world is ruled by
letting things take their course. It cannot be ruled by interfering.
-- Tao Te Ching
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