Yol, Vishnu & Shanti

What would work for me is to be totally detached from her and her ideas/actions/attitude. Your kids would probably pick on it as well, when they see that no matter what she says or thinks or does you are absolutey indifferent. The fact that you dread the whole thing tells me that she gets to you at some level and she can perceive that as well. Being totally indifferent (really, inside) and very nice (diplomatic) will give her no arms and discourage her to keep "poking" at you.

My MIL is very nice the first day, starts getting weird on the second and becomes absolutely passive aggressive by the third. But once she realizes nobody really cares about her opinion and such, she starts keeping it to herself. If she says something to my daughter Shanti that I find inappropriate I usually whisper in Shanti's ear something like, "don't pay too much attention. She doesn't know what she's talking about" or discuss it with Shanti later. You could discuss with your kids either before of after her arrival (or both), how they feel about the whole *visit* and facilitate a learning experience for everyone.

Good luck!

Yol


> Just asking for a bit of advice re my MIL.
> DH has invited her over from the UK to stay with us after Xmas. I'm
> dreading the whole thing. She is a high school teacher of physics
> and thinks physics and maths is the pinnacle of academic
> acheivement. As you can imagine she doesn't approve of
> unschooling in any way, shape or form and thinks I'm damaging my
> kids and depriving them of oportunities to reach their full 'potential'
> in physics (ahem)
> When I first took the kids out of school she said it wasa good idea
> as I could then concentrate on their maths and physics as, in her
> opinion, schools don't teach physics well enough for my kids to do
> a physics degree. i did pick my jaw up from the floor and point out
> that maybe they didn't want to become physicists but she accused
> me of saying that just to be m,anipulative. So there the situation
> stands.
> She hears nothing that I say, continually 'tests' the kids with
> questions etc etc, not respecting their rights or my opinions.
> Personally I wish she'd never darken my doorstep again (she also
> goes on about my weight, my unfashionable clothes, my hair) but
> DH is eager for her to visit and she is his mother and the kids
> grandmother.
> Any tips for dealing with this ordeal (apart from duct taping her
> mouth and sticking er in the closet....)
> How have others answered relatives this thick-skinned?
>
> Shyrley
>
> "You laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh at you because you are all the same."

--
Blue Lotus Therapeutics
Ayurveda, Homeopathy, Yoga and Therapeutic Massage.
Asheville/Weaverville, NC
www.bluelotustherapeutics.com

Dhyanyoga Center of North Carolina
Meditation - Kundalini Maha Yoga
Weaverville, NC
www.dyc-nc.org

***********************************
When nothing is done, nothing is left undone. The world is ruled by letting things take their course. It cannot be ruled by interfering.
-- Tao Te Ching
***********************************


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Tia Leschke

> What would work for me is to be totally detached from her and her
ideas/actions/attitude. Your kids would probably pick on it as well, when
they see that no matter what she says or thinks or does you are absolutey
indifferent. The fact that you dread the whole thing tells me that she gets
to you at some level and she can perceive that as well. Being totally
indifferent (really, inside) and very nice (diplomatic) will give her no
arms and discourage her to keep "poking" at you.

Shyrley, you need to borrow my old sig for while she's there. "What you
think of me is none of my business."
Tia

Shyrley

On 17 Dec 02, at 22:32, Tia Leschke wrote:


>
> Shyrley, you need to borrow my old sig for while she's there. "What
> you think of me is none of my business." Tia
>

Thats such a good mantra.
I'll try it.
I try and ignore what she says initially but its like chinese water
torture. The constant harping on about my weight or appearance.
Now I'm 5'9 or 5'10 (I forget) and am now 140 pounds. Logically I
can see I'm the low end of weight for my height but emotionally I
feel alike a fat blob. So her attacks really hit my one vunerable area.

I really need to work on changing my thinking.

Shyrley


"You laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh at you because you are all the same."

[email protected]

In a message dated 12/18/02 10:18:03 AM, shyrley.williams@... writes:

<< So her attacks really hit my one vunerable area.

I really need to work on changing my thinking.
>>

Maybe come up with a couple of lines which you memorize and practice and say
to her even repeatedly if the first time or two doesn't slow her down:

"We're trying to discourage the kids from being critical, so help us set a
good example."

or

"OH! I had forgotten how critical you could be."

or

"We're not as used to being critical as we used to be. We're trying to set a
better example for the kids."

Sandra

Shyrley

Looking for some advice on moderating a child's behaviour. My
youngest has a temper (must be the red hair) and loses it quite
often. When he does he will lash our at other kids if they approach
him and adults too and call people who try and speak to him 'f****
bastards'
At home I've fiound the only thing that works is to ignore him until
he comes out of the temper. He can't be reasoned with, or jollied
out of it or even threatened (which I treid in the past). Punishment
and consequences mean nothing while his temper lasts.
When it has passed we've discussed it many times and he
promises to try better in the future. None of this is a problem at
home.
While we're out this is a different matter. One friend tried to jolly
him out of a temper and he called her a name and tried to hit her.
He hit another friends dog when the dog tried to pinch his dinner.
We are finding that we're not welcome anywhere which is affecting
my other kids and me. I feel we're going to be alone, stuck in the
house like social pariahs.
My friends use time out and sending kids to their room which I
don't agree with personally but in their own house I would never say
anything. While I tell him that his behaviour isn't acceptable I'm
obviously not going to beat him and I feel uncomfortable dicsiplining
him in a way I would not do so at home. I really don't want to be
friendless until he matures enough to stop, like the other two did.
In some ways it is a cultural thing too, peope at home would have
ignored the behaviour or laughed it off as a stage some kids go
through.

Any advice in how to deal with a stubborn 7 yo would be
apreciated. Before I have to leave Virginia ;-)

Shyrley


"You laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh at you because you are all the same."

[email protected]

Shyrley... I can comisserate. My 7 yo sounds a lot like yours. For
instance, we went to the store today. I bought milk and bread and a few
other things. The kids wanted ice cream bars.. Fine, I let the get em. Then
JP decided he wanted an ice cream bar and a single serving soft drink. I was
already buying 2 liter soft drinks ( which were the same price as a single
serving) I said, JP, you can chose either the ice cream or a drink, but I
cant get both. Well, he threw a fit. Begged pleaded cried.. I paid for the
items and went on out to the van.. He threw his ice cream downa and started
calling me BITCH! I HATE YOU,BITCH!. I just drove on home. He tried to grab
me by the neck and choke me while I was driving.He grabbed my hair and yanked
it. He cried and screamed for about 30 mins,. calling me Bitch and Fucking
bitch. ( btw, we dont use that kind of language in our home) I put his ice
cream in the freezer. I tried to talk to him and explain to him that i
couldnt buy both items. When he calmed down, I asked him if he wanted some
sundrop in his own special cup. he said , yeah, and he was fine. He has
these meltdowns at least once a day. And its over the smallest thing. Like,
the wrong color for his picture. He gets mad a ME personally. I try to
offer suggestions, soothe him, reason with him console him.. And it is VERY
difficult to not lose my temper. It upsets the other kids and he is mean and
hateful and sometimes physically hurtful to them. Like this morning in the
van with the drink incident.. He picked up a travel mug with some coffee
still in it andhe threw it all over Anna. He tried to smash the bread but we
got it away from him.. He throws things and breaks things and basically tries
to destry anything in his path when he goes on these rampages. Most often
what I hear is . "he is just spoiled" See, I have been more lenient with
him. More "unschooled" if you will. and he has the worst temper and treatment
of me than any of my other children. This morning Landon said, Mom, I would
never dream of trying to hit you becuase I knew there would be
consequences... You let him get by with too much, he shouldnt treat you like
that. JP is almost like a split personality, he can be the little tyrant,
but 30 seconds later, be the sweetest, most loving boy youve ever met. He IS
very attached to me. Much moreso than my other children were at this age..
I'm interested in hearing some advice on this as well. And, I am glad I am
not the only one with a child like this.

Teresa


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

In a message dated 12/18/02 2:05:44 PM, shyrley.williams@... writes:

<< Any advice in how to deal with a stubborn 7 yo would be
apreciated. Before I have to leave Virginia ;-) >>

Is "stubborn" really the problem? Adrenaline is probably more the problem.
Some people have lots, and fast.

Kirby was younger when he had such temper problems, but his dad or I would
get at his level and say "BREATHE," and we would breathe with him. If he
refused to breathe to calm down, we'd remind him that if he breathed deeply
he would feel better. "Get air to your toes. Breathe."

Usually he would. If he couldn't or wouldn't we would carry him away from
the group and sit with him or put him in a car or in his room, and probably
stay with him, unless we were losing our tempers too and then we'd just stay
near.

Before leaving to go somewhere, maybe run through preventative things to do
if he starts to get angry. Remind him it's not a place to be mean or rude.
And have a plan between you of what to do if he does fire up, so that he has
agreed in advance on what the plan is. And it might make the methods
(whatever they are) more agreeable if they're familiar and he's been reminded
that he'll be asked to breathe, or go for a walk with you, or whatever it is.

Sandra

Mary Bianco

I wish I had a solution to the problems with your children. Not sure what I
would do if I had to deal with it. I do know though, that trying to hurt
anyone is not a good thing. Swearing at people and hitting them is not
right. Not coming from anyone, no matter how mad they are.

My first instinct would be to find out if there is any kind of physical
reason as to why this behavior is happening often. Something sounds and
could be off. These don't sound like "just temper tantrums" of children.
Someone mentioned homeopathy and as much luck as I haven't had with it, it
would be someplace to start.

In the meantime, if it were me, I would remove the child from wherever this
was happening at and from whoever he would be around to hurt. If that means
leaving someone's house in the middle of dinner, I would do it. Staying I
don't think helps anyone.

Mary B

Mary B






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elaine greenwood-hyde

Hi Shyrley,
you are not alone, my younger daughter aged 6 is the same. She
is also pretty mean to the cats when she's angry as well, picking them up
when they were asleep and hassling the blind one by moving her. She hits
and cannot be reasoned with. It seems like she's angry more than she's not.
I'd like a few pointers too.
I have to say it seems like she was born angry. My eldest (16) is ADHD and
dyslexic and was nothing like this. It appears to me that YD doesn't like
being a child and wants to be able to do everything now. She's a
perfectionist of the sort that gets embaressed and angry if anyone suggests
another way of doing something that might be easier and I do mean 'suggest'
not 'tell'. Her perfectionism often means she won't try something again
because she didn't get it perfect first time (like writing).Sje gets sooo
angry about everything. If I call her to let ehr know dinners ready or
something ( in a nice voice) she'll yell WHAT!!!! until I say hey! hold on
a minute crikey that was a bit strong or whatever...you can occasionaly joke
her out of things.

We've often explained to her that we (adults and older sis) have problems
with things and that it's normal not to be able to read/write/drive a care
or whatever perfectly the first time you do it. I've told her that when I
was younger I couldn't write and that it's the same for everyone. I'm using
the example of writing as it's the first thing that came to mind but this
problem applies to anything. I'm not pushing writing or anything it's just
that she wants to be able to writing and gets frustrated.

We are not welcome in a lot of places and people at Home Ed meetings often
look at me like I must be the 'monster' parent.


BWs Elaine





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Tia Leschke

> Maybe come up with a couple of lines which you memorize and practice and
say
> to her even repeatedly if the first time or two doesn't slow her down:
>
> "We're trying to discourage the kids from being critical, so help us set a
> good example."
>
> or
>
> "OH! I had forgotten how critical you could be."
>
> or
>
> "We're not as used to being critical as we used to be. We're trying to
set a
> better example for the kids."

Or even, "Was that meant to hurt my feelings? Because it did, and I'd
appreciate you not doing it again."

If she counters with, "Oh I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Don't take
it so personally," or something like that, you can say, "Well it does hurt
my feelings, and I'd appreciate it if you'd stop." Something like that,
over and over until she gets it. It's going to become very obvious to
everyone around that she *is* doing it to hurt your feelings if she doesn't
stop.
Tia