Stephanie Elms

I wanted to reply to someone who said something about looking at how we talk
to our children but now I can't find it... :o)

Whatever it was reminded me of the time when Jason and I were having a particularly
bad day...it had been raining all week, we were at the beach (so did not have
access to all our toys, computer etc) and he was picking on Kyle. I said something
and he responded with "fine, whatever..." complete with attitude. I was shocked
and hurt. His whole attitude said that I don't care about you or what you want
me to do. My first reaction was, where did this come from, what had I done to
deserve this. Then, when thinking about it later, I figured it out. He had learned
it from me. :o( If I get really frustrated with him not wanting to do what I want
him to do, I would just walk away and say, "fine, whatever"...it wasn't until
I had it directed back at me that I realized how devastating it felt. I learned
that I really have to watch myself when frustrated, that he is constantly learning
how to deal with things by watching what I do. A big eye opener for me.

Stephanie E.

Fetteroll

on 12/15/02 2:35 PM, Stephanie Elms at stephanie.elms@...
wrote:

> Then, when thinking about it later, I figured it out. He had learned
> it from me. :o( If I get really frustrated with him not wanting to do what I
> want
> him to do, I would just walk away and say, "fine, whatever"...it wasn't until
> I had it directed back at me that I realized how devastating it felt.

Oh yes! BTDT.

The worst part is that they seem like reasonable responses when we say them
but when someone else directs them at us we can see how ugly they are!

My worst was probably "It's your mess. It's yours to clean up." I even said
it with a reasonable voice, not a nasty one. Boy did I realize how mean
that was when I knocked something over and my daughter said it to me. :-/

Joyce

[email protected]

In a message dated 12/15/2002 2:36:16 PM Eastern Standard Time,
stephanie.elms@... writes:
> Then, when thinking about it later, I figured it out. He had learned
> it from me. :o( If I get really frustrated with him not wanting to do what
> I want
> him to do, I would just walk away and say, "fine, whatever"...it wasn't
> until
> I had it directed back at me that I realized how devastating it felt. I
> learned
> that I really have to watch myself when frustrated, that he is constantly
> learning
> how to deal with things by watching what I do. A big eye opener for me.
>
> Stephanie E.
>
> Yeah..humbling, isn't it? We were out shopping and I got overwhelmed with
> all the activity around me and my children wanting to go everywhere and
> touch everything. My daughter started playing with a stuffed animal we
> were buying and started saying "I hate it when that happens"...over and
> over again. She was reflecting how I was feeling...it was probably just
> oozing out of me...even though I tried my best to control how I was
> feeling...think she saw it in my face and in the way I was pushing that
> cart. And what if she actually thought just an inkling that my frustration
> was directed toward her in that way and in those words? Of course, she
> had to hear that from me to begin with. My best solution is to shop alone
> at the present when I have an agenda...planned activities (finding thisngs
> ona list) do not work for my son (2.5yo) (he just wants to explore).. don't
> like short trips because my son does not like carseats and car trips and
> short trips mean more trips...any suggestions?
>
> Robin S.


Robin S.



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Mary Bianco

>From: "Stephanie Elms" <stephanie.elms@...>

(snip) <<My first reaction was, where did this come from, what had I done to
deserve this. Then, when thinking about it later, I figured it out. He had
learned it from me. :o( If I get really frustrated with him not wanting to
do what I want him to do, I would just walk away and say, "fine,
whatever"...it wasn't until I had it directed back at me that I realized how
devastating it felt. I learned that I really have to watch myself when
frustrated, that he is constantly learning how to deal with things by
watching what I do. A big eye opener for me.>>


Sounds like the revelation I had while watching an Oprah show!!! I always
remember now what Jamie Lee Curtis said about kids. That they are like
little papparazzi's, always watching us and taking our picture even when we
don't want them to. Makes sense that they pick up all kinds of stuff we are
never even aware of that they saw or heard.
Same way I felt about my oldest and my sometimes negative image of myself.

Mary B


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