Yol, Vishnu & Shanti

I've had similar problems with my daughter, who is 4 now. The only difference is that she still sleeps with us. So, what I do now, instead of getting all frustrated about what she wants to do vs. what I'd like her to do, is this:

I lay down in bed, shut the lights off (except for a night light we have in the bedroom) and say, "Ok I'm going to sleep now, if you don't want to sleep you can do whatever you want, but you've gotta let me sleep because I'm tired." Sometimes she goes out of the room, sometimes she stays there and goes to sleep. It doesn't matter, the point is that I give myself the chance to relax about the situation by saying 'you do what you want and I do what I want'. As she has a choice, she usually chooses to stay with me and sleep, but sometimes she goes out and does something else until she realizes that I'm serious about the sleep thing, or realizes that nobody is going to pay attention to her anymore, or finishes doing what she wanted to do. And I rest my eyes in the meantime. If I still need to do things after
she falls asleep I get up again, after that little break, and do whatever I need to do. I've told to my husband, who is way more controlling than I am when it comes to putting her to bed, to try this and he relaxes about the situation as well, and things work better for him too.

I've found that laying down and being quiet seems more conducive to sleep than fighting with her about it, because now it's her choice, it's not a control issue anymore.

And if your dh is not supportive in that way, well perhaps you need a long talk about your priorities and needs.

Hope this helps and good luck!

Yol

> OK. I am trying to give up control. I really am. But I seem to be still fighting it. Most
> the time I am ok with it, but I feel like there needs to be some balance and I am having
> a hard time finding it. I keep second guessing myself...am I responding to his needs...
> am I neglecting mine... how do I know?
>
> The latest thing is bedtime. I have always had a love/hate thing with sleeping and Jason.
> When he was about a year, I finally surrendered to my reality and started co-sleeping.
> I would nurse/lay with him until he fell asleep. When he was 2, he went through a phase of
> not falling asleep easily, so I let him stay up. Finally around 3 things seemed to
> even out...he had given up his naps so he was easily falling asleep around 9. He
> stayed in our room until he was 4 yrs old and then I would still lay down with him
> to fall asleep. Last year we had progressed to where I could lay with him for a little
> while and then leave. Then he started having problems falling asleep again, so I would
> let him stay up in my craft room with me while I did my rubber stamping. He would tell
> me when he was tired and fall asleep easily. The first couple of weeks he stayed up until
> 10 or 11. After that he would ask to go to sleep around 8:30 and 9. I felt vindicated! I had
> always said that he would be able to self-regulate when given the choice.
>
> Now it is a year later and things have changed. Part of it I am sure is because it is
> cold out and we are not getting out as much. Part of it is that he no longer has to
> get up at 8 am for preschool. Plus he is not getting as much activity now (in addition
> to the activity at the preschool, we usually would play with his best friend (who
> we car pooled with) after school for an hour or more). He is staying up until 11 (or
> later). If I let him sleep until he wakes up, he sleeps until around 9.
>
> The problem is this...I am feeling smothered. Jason is a very intense little boy.
> I love him to death but he is an extrovert in the extreme sense of the word. If he
> is awake, he wants interaction. He will play by himself (for short periods of time),
> but never alone - he never goes into his own room to play alone. The worst feeling
> in the world for him is to feel lonely. Most of his favorite activities include some
> other person. He has never been the type to color at the table while I do the dishes...
> he always wanted me to color *with* him. It has gotten a bit better now that Kyle is
> getting older (will be 3 in Feb), takes some of the pressure off me. I am coming to
> accept this part of his personality and trying to work with it...we invite friends
> over often (still trying to make some hsing connections so we can find more friends
> during the day).
>
> Kyle has just given up his naps and is usually asleep by 9. And up by 7:30. Plus
> something is going on and he has started nursing a lot at night (he starts out in
> Jason's room and then I get him when he wakes up) so I have not been getting too
> much sleep. So now I have been trying to get to bed around midnight...which if Jason
> is not asleep until 11 or later does not leave much time for me to get anything done.
> I do get out to rubber stamping clubs about 3 or 4 times a month. Getting up earlier
> does not help because 7:30 is pretty early for me if I have been up a couple of times
> a night and if I get up early, Kyle usually gets up early too.
>
> I have been trying to talk with Jason about how mommy has needs to...that there are a lot
> of boring things that I try to leave for when he is asleep. How mommy needs down time and likes
> to have time alone with daddy or by herself. I think that what is getting to me lately is that
> I see that he is getting tired, but he is really *trying* to stay awake. We have also
> been talking about listening to your body and what it is trying to tell you. But he is fighting
> it...it is turning into a control thing ( which I usually try to avoid). Since I have been
> letting up on controlling him (we gave up tv and food controls about 2-3 months ago), control
> seems to be more of an issue with him, if that makes any sense.
>
> The other problem I have is dh. He does not agree with my approach at all and thinks that I
> am being a doormat. He has absolutely no problem with expecting Jason to stay up in his
> room after a certain time. He wants to have time to watch his tv shows, relax and spend time
> with me. So I feel like I am trying to balance both dh's and Jason's needs and it is
> not happening.
>
> I am not dealing with this well and would appreciate all insight. Tonight I decided that since
> dh is away until Friday, I would try a new approach. We watched a little tv while I nursed
> Kyle to sleep. Jason then wanted to listen to the Wizard of Oz audio tape we got from the
> library. I told him that I had some cleaning to do, but when he was tired to let me know
> and I would go up and lay down with him (thinking that I could get some of my needs met
> to get something done and still meet his needs of not being alone when he goes to sleep). He
> said that he was tired around 10 but wanted to me to read to him. I said that it was
> too late for that (I really was tired, but looking back on it, it would not have killed
> me to read a chapter...I think that it was my way of still controlling the situation). We
> went up and laid down. He ended up getting fidgety, getting up for water etc etc etc. I
> ended up losing it. All I want is for him to go to sleep when he is tired!
>
> This is not the way that I want to end the day. But I am really struggling with giving
> up the control thing....I go back and forth between completely seeing his point of view
> (it sucks to know that my two favorite people are downstairs while I am stuck up here
> in this room) and completely feeling smothered and feeling like a couple of hours in
> the evening to myself is not too much to ask. Having him stay up late makes me feel
> very stressed for time...btween keeping up with the house, spending time with hubby,
> keeping up with my e-lists (which often keep me sane) and trying to find time to
> relax and read and now needing more sleep since Kyle is up so much, I am really going
> crazy.
>
> I really need a new perspective here...but I feel like the more that I give up control,
> the more Jason pushes and pushes. How do I know when to draw the line? Is it ok to draw
> a line? I kind of feel like I have to draw a line or else I start getting resentful.
> Is this resentfulness something that I just need to adjust my attitude on or is
> it a sign that things need to come back into balance. And how do I get them back into
> balance if that is the case. I just feel like my personality would make it very easy
> to swing too far out of balance.
>
> I am looking for a local gym, rec center or y around
> here that would have a program for the kids so I can take a yoga class and they can play
> and wear themselves out a bit. I am working on making connections in the hs community
> so that Jason can go to friend's houses for playdates (I had a great network made up of
> his friends but they are all in school during the day now). I am also working on getting
> our living room set up with a tv and comfy couches etc thinking that maybe if dh
> can watch his shows in the family room and Jason stays in the living room then maybe
> that will take some of the pressure off. Any other ideas? Any ideas
> for tiring an active 6 yo out? Any ideas for helping hubby not take this personally
> and realize that in 10 years this period of our lives will seem much shorter and less
> important then it does now? Any ideas for eeking out some time to get things done
> around the house (and please know that I am not expecting to keep the house spotless,
> but the clutter gets awful and I start going crazy).
>
> I know that I just need to make that shift in my attitude, but I am having a hard time
> doing it. I did it when he was little, but it is harder now that he is 6...I honestly
> thought that the bedtime thing would be solved by now. I just feel like I have screwed
> everything up somehow and turned it into a control issue without even meaning to.
>
> Sorry for the frantic sound to this post...I am just feeling very exhausted. I need
> to go to bed now...Kyle will probably be up in a few hours....
>
> Stephanie E.
>
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--
Blue Lotus Therapeutics
Ayurveda, Homeopathy, Yoga and Therapeutic Massage.
Asheville/Weaverville, NC
www.bluelotustherapeutics.com

Dhyanyoga Center of North Carolina
Meditation - Kundalini Maha Yoga
Weaverville, NC
www.dyc-nc.org

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When nothing is done, nothing is left undone. The world is ruled by letting things take their course. It cannot be ruled by interfering.
-- Tao Te Ching
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