[email protected]

In a message dated 11/19/02 9:36:06 PM Central Standard Time,
[email protected] writes:

<< I think that I will plan on mentioning to my friends (the moms of the two
boys who
are invited) to not feel like they need to invite Jason to their party the
next year.
Really the only reason that Jason is invited is because we parents are
friends. That
at least will simplify that aspect. We'll have to see how things go with
Samantha this
year and if they stay friends I guess. >>

I think you're agonizing entirely too much over this!!
Let him choose who to invite, it's his day, not yours. That is fairly simple.
Now to avoid any hurt feelings, all you have to do is explain that you're
having a very small get together and not inviting a bunch of friends this
year.
Then maybe have some cupcakes and have Samantha and the other girl over for a
little post-Birthday celebration.
And don't let your guilt keep your son from their Birthdays. They should
invite whom they wish also.


Ren
Unschooling support at pensacolaunschoolers.com
And remember,
"A life lived in fear is a life half lived"

Stephanie Elms

> I think you're agonizing entirely too much over this!!

You are probably right LOL! But then I tend to do that....


> Let him choose who to invite, it's his day, not yours. That
> is fairly simple.

> Now to avoid any hurt feelings, all you have to do is explain
> that you're
> having a very small get together and not inviting a bunch of
> friends this
> year.

You know what my problem is? I think that I am putting too many of my
own insecurities into this whole situation. A lot of the angst I think
has to do with my relationships with some of my friends from college...
I have found that we have less and less in common (I am the only SAHM much
less homeschooler in the bunch) and we basically have different takes on
life. I am closer to Samantha's mom then to the other 2 boys' moms and
I am sure that is playing a part.

Thanks for helping me see that this is *my* issue and not Jason's.


> Then maybe have some cupcakes and have Samantha and the other
> girl over for a
> little post-Birthday celebration.
> And don't let your guilt keep your son from their Birthdays.
> They should
> invite whom they wish also.

I think that I will suggest going out for ice cream with the kids or something
like that. I would enjoy that as well, as I would probably get to talk a bit
more with Samantha's mom then I would at the party. Of course we will probably
go out with Winnie too...

Not to beat a dead horse, but just trying to work through this in my mind...
no one here would consider it rude to not invite someone (if your child did not want
to) who had previously invited your child to their party?

I think that I am still too much in the schoolish mindset of where you had to invite
most of the kids (at least of the same sex) so no one was left out. Or remembering
the hurt feelings of being left out.

Thanks for bearing with me while I sort all this out...I guess that
my thinking "but we need to teach him..." should have been my clue that I was in
for another paradigm shift.

Stephanie E.

[email protected]

In a message dated 11/21/02 8:23:46 AM Central Standard Time,
[email protected] writes:

<< Thanks for bearing with me while I sort all this out...I guess that
my thinking "but we need to teach him..." should have been my clue that I
was in
for another paradigm shift.
>>

Yes, it sounds like you're having a big one!! Isn't it great?
I have found that most of the time when problems arise here at home, all I
have to do is look inside of ME to figure out why it's a problem.
My behavior has to change most of the time. Even in response to a childs true
problem, it's my behavior that must be adjusted. The kids are fairly good at
sorting things out with a calm, reasonable adult available.

You seem to have pinpointed your own insecurities. I think that is wonderful.
It very much sounds like a school thing biting you in the butt! It still
happens to me and I just scratch my head and wonder if I'll EVER get it all
out of my brain.
Anyway, no, I don't think it's rude to not invite someone you've always
invited.
I'd just tell her he's at the age that he'd like to have a formal party with
just boys and ask if they'd like to do a mini celebration all their own.


Ren
"The answers aren't important really...
What's important, is knowing all the questions."
-Zilpha Keatley Snyder
Unschooling support at pensacolaunschoolers.com

Betsy

**Not to beat a dead horse, but just trying to work through this in my mind...
no one here would consider it rude to not invite someone (if your child
did not want
to) who had previously invited your child to their party?
**

Hi, Stephanie --

I can see that it's a little awkward. However, it happens and I can
accept it.

I got to go through this the easier way. In my tiny social circle the
girls started excluding the boys before the boys started excluding the
girls. (I have a boy and we still have mixed parties at our house
because I wouldn't disinvite siblings.) In my case the first friend who
dropped my son out of her party had a very sensitive daughter and lived
in a very small house. Her previous years party had been noisy enough
to make her cry. It was easy to understand why she wanted to have a
smaller party and to leave the boys off of the list. It's possible that
even her brother was banished to an alternate activity that day.

So, once the pattern of "everyone inviting everybody" was broken it no
longer seemed very rude to leave people out. But it would be rude to
talk about the party in front of them.

I guess it's more of an issue for a kid that doesn't get to go to very
many parties. With my attachment parenting friends all the adults tend
to stay at the parties, too, and as far as I am concerned we go to
plenty of parties now and I wouldn't mind cutting back a bit every year.
(Yes, I AM the birthday Grinch.) I think park days, judging by the
smiles, are as much fun as bday parties and my son gets to do that every week.


Betsy

susan marie

When we have the "do I have to invite so-and-so", the first answer is
no, you don't and then the following discussion is how to handle it.
These are two separate issues. First, is the right to ask who you want
to spend time with. To me, anyway, this is a spiritual issue - we should
spend time with the people we enjoy being with. Both of my girls have
had instances of having difficulty breaking away from toxic, possessive
friends. Secondly, older dd does not like large gatherings. We have
allowed her to have a couple of small parties instead, she likes to only
have two or three friends over at a time. As for "explaining", if it
comes up, there are many polite ways to explain - and btw, most of us
explain far more than we need. Most of the time, the issue never comes
up anyway.

As for parties, we have lots of small ones all year round. The kids do
everything, so I don't worry about it much. I think when they have to do
all the planning and preparation, it's a good experience for them. I
don't feel that it is my job to entertain them.


hth,
susan


On Wednesday, November 20, 2002, at 11:26 PM, Stephanie Elms wrote:

> > I think you're agonizing entirely too much over this!!
>
> You are probably right LOL! But then I tend to do that....
>
>
> > Let him choose who to invite, it's his day, not yours. That
> > is fairly simple.
>
> > Now to avoid any hurt feelings, all you have to do is explain
> > that you're
> > having a very small get together and not inviting a bunch of
> > friends this
> > year.
>
> You know what my problem is? I think that I am putting too many of my
> own insecurities into this whole situation. A lot of the angst I think
> has to do with my relationships with some of my friends from college...
> I have found that we have less and less in common (I am the only SAHM
> much
> less homeschooler in the bunch) and we basically have different takes on
> life. I am closer to Samantha's mom then to the other 2 boys' moms and
> I am sure that is playing a part.
>
> Thanks for helping me see that this is *my* issue and not Jason's.
>
>
> > Then maybe have some cupcakes and have Samantha and the other
> > girl over for a
> > little post-Birthday celebration.
> > And don't let your guilt keep your son from their Birthdays.
> > They should
> > invite whom they wish also.
>
> I think that I will suggest going out for ice cream with the kids or
> something
> like that. I would enjoy that as well, as I would probably get to talk
> a bit
> more with Samantha's mom then I would at the party. Of course we will
> probably
> go out with Winnie too...
>
> Not to beat a dead horse, but just trying to work through this in my
> mind...
> no one here would consider it rude to not invite someone (if your child
> did not want
> to) who had previously invited your child to their party?
>
> I think that I am still too much in the schoolish mindset of where you
> had to invite
> most of the kids (at least of the same sex) so no one was left out. Or
> remembering
> the hurt feelings of being left out.
>
> Thanks for bearing with me while I sort all this out...I guess that
> my thinking "but we need to teach him..." should have been my clue that
> I was in
> for another paradigm shift.
>
> Stephanie E.
>

>
>
> ~~~~ Don't forget! If you change topics, change the subject line! ~~~~
>
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peace,
Susan

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can
change the world; indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."
- Margaret Mead


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

In a message dated 11/20/02 9:28:18 PM, stephanie.elms@...
writes:

<< Not to beat a dead horse, but just trying to work through this in my
mind...
no one here would consider it rude to not invite someone (if your child did
not want
to) who had previously invited your child to their party?
>>

The answer to just about every question in the world is "It depends." So if
you make a rule like "everyone who has ever invited you to a party must be
invited to every party you have," that's too much rule for this earth!

Sometimes kids have big parties. Sometimes their parents can't even afford a
little party, and so let them have a sleepover with two guests or something.
And there's always next year's birthday.

Maybe you could have a New Year's Day party with some kids, just an afternoon
snacks and play-day stuff. Then you could satisfy your urge to create a
guest list and that one could be YOUR kid-party!

Sandra

[email protected]

In a message dated 11/21/02 9:35:47 AM Central Standard Time,
starsuncloud@... writes:

> have found that most of the time when problems arise here at home, all I
> have to do is look inside of ME to figure out why it's a problem.
> My behavior has to change most of the time. Even in response to a childs
> true
> problem, it's my behavior that must be adjusted. The kids are fairly good
at
>
> sorting things out with a calm, reasonable adult available.
>

this is so true! Mine are still really young - 3 and 4, but lately they have
been driving me a bit crazy at night. OK, I broke my ankle and am sleeping
in the living room. My husband has been out of town for three weeks, so the
kids are sleeping on the couches in here with me. They get all riled up at 9
p.m. and don't want to sleep. Even if they are really tired. Even when they
say they are tired. Even after I turn out the lights they are still
yammering away at me. And I want to read my book (Palace Walk by Naghib
Mafouz - highly recommend it) or watch the news.

Well, OF COURSE, they get all excited. They are camping in the living room
with Mommy! Their whole life is topsy turvy, they have a nanny and a mommy,
they haven't gone out as much as normal, they have a friend and her 2 year
old staying with us. 9 p.m. is their favorite time of day. Just the three
of us. And why wouldn't it be? It took me a couple of weeks to figure out
that the problem was with my reaction to their joy at being just with me.
Guess I'm pretty slow. Plus, I tend to wallow in my misery over my ankle too
much...

Just wanted to agree with you here. Hope it doesn't take me a couple of
weeks to figure it out the next time...

Elizabeth

marji

At 17:33 11/21/02 -0500, Elizabeth wrote:
>In a message dated 11/21/02 9:35:47 AM Central Standard Time,
>starsuncloud@... writes:
>
> > have found that most of the time when problems arise here at home, all I
> > have to do is look inside of ME to figure out why it's a problem.
> > My behavior has to change most of the time. Even in response to a childs
> > true
> > problem, it's my behavior that must be adjusted. The kids are fairly good
>at
> >
> > sorting things out with a calm, reasonable adult available.
> >
>
>this is so true! (snip) Just wanted to agree with you here. Hope it
>doesn't take me a couple of
>weeks to figure it out the next time...
>
>Elizabeth

I think it's so cool that you figured it out at all!!

I just blew up big-time at Liam today. Very briefly, but very big. I
caught myself immediately afterward and apologized to him and told him this
was not a good time to talk, that we should talk later when both of us feel
calmer. In my musing afterwards, my thoughts went quickly to the Peaceful
Parenting tape from the HSC conference earlier this year that Sandra did
with Richard P...... (sorry, Richard, wherever you are; I don't have the
tape in front of me to get your name right). I remembered the part that
Richard said about when you're kind of out of your practice you may say
something and wish you hadn't and realize it a while later and go and
apologize. When you're a little more in your practice, you may say
something and then realize it right away and then apologize right
away. And, when you're really in your practice, you catch the thing before
it leaks out of your mouth. Then, I think about how long I allowed Liam to
languish in that school (a full year and a half of being really unhappy)
before I realized that he had to be taken out that very minute. Being
conscious and mindful is so tricky for me!

That's my long way of saying, "I know what you mean, Elizabeth." But. I
really think that having the awareness that we're not getting it so fast is
one of the steps towards getting it faster. We just have to hang in there.

Love,
Marji

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Stephanie Elms

> Yes, it sounds like you're having a big one!! Isn't it great?

You guys really have to stop doing this to me...I am getting
tired of thinking and I think that my dh is going to shoot me
if I keep trying all these "experiments"....

> I have found that most of the time when problems arise here
> at home, all I
> have to do is look inside of ME to figure out why it's a problem.
> My behavior has to change most of the time. Even in response
> to a childs true
> problem, it's my behavior that must be adjusted. The kids are
> fairly good at
> sorting things out with a calm, reasonable adult available.
>

Yeah. You would think that I would know this by now. I remember when
Jason was waking at all hours of the night when he was about a year old.
It wasn't until I just accepted this as my reality that I was able
to relax and go with the flow. Went from being furious at him to realizing
being mad was not going to change things at all and actually made them worse.
And a couple of months later I was able to pinpoint a dairy sensitivity as
the primary cause....

Stephanie E.

Stephanie Elms

> The answer to just about every question in the world is "It
> depends." So if
> you make a rule like "everyone who has ever invited you to a
> party must be
> invited to every party you have," that's too much rule for this earth!

Good point and very true.

> Maybe you could have a New Year's Day party with some kids,
> just an afternoon
> snacks and play-day stuff. Then you could satisfy your urge
> to create a
> guest list and that one could be YOUR kid-party!

Ugh. When you put it like that...geesh. I guess that is what I have been
doing, huh? This giving up control thing is hard.

Stephanie E.

[email protected]

In a message dated 11/21/02 10:07:26 PM, stephanie.elms@...
writes:

<< Then you could satisfy your urge
> to create a
> guest list and that one could be YOUR kid-party!

<<Ugh. When you put it like that...geesh. I guess that is what I have been
doing, huh? >>

But so? Why can't you throw a party for kids? Why is it "ugh"?