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In a message dated 11/24/99 11:34:48 AM Eastern Standard Time,
tmartin@... writes:

<< most
people want to believe that this kind of thing is perpetrated due to cold
heartedness, the need for control or disdain for the kids. my experience is
that it's actually not that personal (but it's extremely difficult not to
take
it that way), that it's the parents' inability to handle the stresses of
their
own choices. it's not that they don't love you or that you are not lovable,
it's just that their own needs are so big and out of control they can't even
begin to realize you have any. >>


I think we lived the same life. Right down to 4 girls and one boy, I was
the oldest which was the most dangerous place to be in my family. I was
expected to be everything to everyone. My mother's confidant, my siblings
protector, the maid, baby-sitter and child when it suited them. Today I am
finally beginning to be me living and raising my children the way that suits
me.
I am so grateful that I was given the grace not to repeat what my parents
did. However I have fought every day of my life the legacy they left in my
head. My mom is a different person today for the most part and is very sorry
for all that happened but it still happened.

Laura

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Susan,
Thank you so much for your post. It really made me think. Your
description of your childhood, your insight into your parents' reasons for
being the way they were, your empathy for yourself and your siblings and even
your parents...you have really developed a wisdom about all this. Your
answer for finding a better way...that is, accepting yourself fully and being
kind to yourself...makes so much sense. Thanks again for sharing this and
I'm glad you've joined the group here.

Lucy in Calif.