Subject: Urges to hit
[email protected]
Thank you, Ren, and Mary B., too. We'll definitely give this a try. One of
the difficulties we have, though, with Kalie's (3 1/2) hitting/kicking, is
that while it's occasional and seems to go in spurts, it seems relatively
unprovoked by the person she whacks. I've seen her walk up to a playmate who
has been playing quietly, and kick them in in the heels for no apparent
reason. She's great at sharing; I'm right there, and she has my attention
whenever she wants it, so I don't think it's that.She's a pretty intense
child, and gets overexcited easily. She's very verbal, in general, but she's
never able to give a reason for this behavior. We've been talking alot about
feelings to try to help her identify them, but she just gets angry after an
"incident" if we ask too much about how she feels. Any more suggestions here?
Thanks again.
Linda
Date: Thu, 24 Oct 2002 00:07:06 EDT
From: starsuncloud@...
Well, I really value Sandra Dodd's advice on this one, and we're putting it
to use around here.
Every single time somebody starts to lose their temper, I am present as
quickly as possible. We talk, calmly, and I try to not only listen to both
sides, but let them come up with solutions.
Sometimes a calm third party is all that's needed.
If someone loses their temper and hits, I immedietly comfort the victim and
go through the list of things we need to do BEFORE hitting becomes an option.
First, we use words.
If that doesn't work, we call in a mediator (usually Mom or Dad) to help
problem solve.
I explain to them that adults can't hit each other or they get in trouble
with the law, and that hitting makes people feel awful.
Lately, they've been quick to feel sorry (without me telling them they
should!!) without all the guilt, blame and anger of previous times.
I even apologized to my older son for some of the things that were done to
him and told him how wrong we were (once again) and that even though we did
things to make him very angry, I didn't want to perpetuate anger in our
family and I couldn't tolerate anyone hitting anyone else because it makes
our home an angry place, rather than peaceful.
Yesterday morning I read a quote by Deepak Chopra and they each chose a rock
(a pile of rocks we keep for meditation purposes with words on them like
"strength", "joy" or "peace") to hold. They choose ones that they feel they
need to focus on.
I have found a peaceful beginning to the day, and a request for us all to
focus on making each other happy and doing nice things, really helps set the
tone for the day.
I find myself dialoguing a lot, but more trust developing between everyone.
More compassion, more problem solving skills and so on, are being noticed.
Not that we don't have bad moments.....everyone does.
But I really believe that my calm awareness is going to make a huge
difference eventually.
Patience is not my strength, but I'm learning.
Ren
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
the difficulties we have, though, with Kalie's (3 1/2) hitting/kicking, is
that while it's occasional and seems to go in spurts, it seems relatively
unprovoked by the person she whacks. I've seen her walk up to a playmate who
has been playing quietly, and kick them in in the heels for no apparent
reason. She's great at sharing; I'm right there, and she has my attention
whenever she wants it, so I don't think it's that.She's a pretty intense
child, and gets overexcited easily. She's very verbal, in general, but she's
never able to give a reason for this behavior. We've been talking alot about
feelings to try to help her identify them, but she just gets angry after an
"incident" if we ask too much about how she feels. Any more suggestions here?
Thanks again.
Linda
Date: Thu, 24 Oct 2002 00:07:06 EDT
From: starsuncloud@...
Well, I really value Sandra Dodd's advice on this one, and we're putting it
to use around here.
Every single time somebody starts to lose their temper, I am present as
quickly as possible. We talk, calmly, and I try to not only listen to both
sides, but let them come up with solutions.
Sometimes a calm third party is all that's needed.
If someone loses their temper and hits, I immedietly comfort the victim and
go through the list of things we need to do BEFORE hitting becomes an option.
First, we use words.
If that doesn't work, we call in a mediator (usually Mom or Dad) to help
problem solve.
I explain to them that adults can't hit each other or they get in trouble
with the law, and that hitting makes people feel awful.
Lately, they've been quick to feel sorry (without me telling them they
should!!) without all the guilt, blame and anger of previous times.
I even apologized to my older son for some of the things that were done to
him and told him how wrong we were (once again) and that even though we did
things to make him very angry, I didn't want to perpetuate anger in our
family and I couldn't tolerate anyone hitting anyone else because it makes
our home an angry place, rather than peaceful.
Yesterday morning I read a quote by Deepak Chopra and they each chose a rock
(a pile of rocks we keep for meditation purposes with words on them like
"strength", "joy" or "peace") to hold. They choose ones that they feel they
need to focus on.
I have found a peaceful beginning to the day, and a request for us all to
focus on making each other happy and doing nice things, really helps set the
tone for the day.
I find myself dialoguing a lot, but more trust developing between everyone.
More compassion, more problem solving skills and so on, are being noticed.
Not that we don't have bad moments.....everyone does.
But I really believe that my calm awareness is going to make a huge
difference eventually.
Patience is not my strength, but I'm learning.
Ren
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Fetteroll
Mary Bianco
>From: LsMe@...<<Thank you, Ren, and Mary B., too. We'll definitely give this a try. One of
the difficulties we have, though, with Kalie's (3 1/2) hitting/kicking, is
that while it's occasional and seems to go in spurts, it seems relatively
unprovoked by the person she whacks. I've seen her walk up to a playmate who
has been playing quietly, and kick them in in the heels for no apparent
reason. She's great at sharing; I'm right there, and she has my attention
whenever she wants it, so I don't think it's that.She's a pretty intense
child, and gets overexcited easily. She's very verbal, in general, but she's
never able to give a reason for this behavior. We've been talking alot about
feelings to try to help her identify them, but she just gets angry after an
"incident" if we ask too much about how she feels. Any more suggestions
here?>>
Well I'll just throw this question out. Does Kalie get enough attention and
one on one interaction with just you? I know you said she gets plenty of
attention but I mean only you and her. I know it's hard, believe me with my
4 it's hard to take the time for just me and one of them but my husband and
I try very hard to do this often. Even if it's just a trip to the store.
Also she sounds like she's just trying to rile someone up. Maybe she's bored
and needs more stimulation? I'm just talking out loud so if this isn't the
case, disregard!!! Maybe too, she is ahead of playing with her ages. Are
these kids her same age? I know my Alyssa (2) doesn't like to play with 2
year old stuff and does much better with older kids. Then we she does get
around younger ones, she has a tendency to play better because it's
different. But mostly she doesn't like to play like most 2 year olds.
Mary B
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