Urges to hit
[email protected]
In a message dated 10/23/02 10:42:07 PM Central Daylight Time,
[email protected] writes:
<< Anyway, I noticed that you mentioned, Ren, that you are working on your
children's urge to hit when they're frustrated. I'd love to know what you're
doing and how you're handling this, and also how old Trevor and Sierra are.
to use around here.
Every single time somebody starts to lose their temper, I am present as
quickly as possible. We talk, calmly, and I try to not only listen to both
sides, but let them come up with solutions.
Sometimes a calm third party is all that's needed.
If someone loses their temper and hits, I immedietly comfort the victim and
go through the list of things we need to do BEFORE hitting becomes an option.
First, we use words.
If that doesn't work, we call in a mediator (usually Mom or Dad) to help
problem solve.
I explain to them that adults can't hit each other or they get in trouble
with the law, and that hitting makes people feel awful.
Lately, they've been quick to feel sorry (without me telling them they
should!!) without all the guilt, blame and anger of previous times.
I even apologized to my older son for some of the things that were done to
him and told him how wrong we were (once again) and that even though we did
things to make him very angry, I didn't want to perpetuate anger in our
family and I couldn't tolerate anyone hitting anyone else because it makes
our home an angry place, rather than peaceful.
Yesterday morning I read a quote by Deepak Chopra and they each chose a rock
(a pile of rocks we keep for meditation purposes with words on them like
"strength", "joy" or "peace") to hold. They choose ones that they feel they
need to focus on.
I have found a peaceful beginning to the day, and a request for us all to
focus on making each other happy and doing nice things, really helps set the
tone for the day.
I find myself dialoguing a lot, but more trust developing between everyone.
More compassion, more problem solving skills and so on, are being noticed.
Not that we don't have bad moments.....everyone does.
But I really believe that my calm awareness is going to make a huge
difference eventually.
Patience is not my strength, but I'm learning.
Ren
[email protected] writes:
<< Anyway, I noticed that you mentioned, Ren, that you are working on your
children's urge to hit when they're frustrated. I'd love to know what you're
doing and how you're handling this, and also how old Trevor and Sierra are.
>>Well, I really value Sandra Dodd's advice on this one, and we're putting it
to use around here.
Every single time somebody starts to lose their temper, I am present as
quickly as possible. We talk, calmly, and I try to not only listen to both
sides, but let them come up with solutions.
Sometimes a calm third party is all that's needed.
If someone loses their temper and hits, I immedietly comfort the victim and
go through the list of things we need to do BEFORE hitting becomes an option.
First, we use words.
If that doesn't work, we call in a mediator (usually Mom or Dad) to help
problem solve.
I explain to them that adults can't hit each other or they get in trouble
with the law, and that hitting makes people feel awful.
Lately, they've been quick to feel sorry (without me telling them they
should!!) without all the guilt, blame and anger of previous times.
I even apologized to my older son for some of the things that were done to
him and told him how wrong we were (once again) and that even though we did
things to make him very angry, I didn't want to perpetuate anger in our
family and I couldn't tolerate anyone hitting anyone else because it makes
our home an angry place, rather than peaceful.
Yesterday morning I read a quote by Deepak Chopra and they each chose a rock
(a pile of rocks we keep for meditation purposes with words on them like
"strength", "joy" or "peace") to hold. They choose ones that they feel they
need to focus on.
I have found a peaceful beginning to the day, and a request for us all to
focus on making each other happy and doing nice things, really helps set the
tone for the day.
I find myself dialoguing a lot, but more trust developing between everyone.
More compassion, more problem solving skills and so on, are being noticed.
Not that we don't have bad moments.....everyone does.
But I really believe that my calm awareness is going to make a huge
difference eventually.
Patience is not my strength, but I'm learning.
Ren
Mary Bianco
>From: starsuncloud@...<<Well, I really value Sandra Dodd's advice on this one, and we're putting
it to use around here. Every single time somebody starts to lose their
temper, I am present as quickly as possible. We talk, calmly, and I try to
not only listen to both sides, but let them come up with solutions.
Sometimes a calm third party is all that's needed.
If someone loses their temper and hits, I immedietly comfort the victim and
go through the list of things we need to do BEFORE hitting becomes an
option. First, we use words. If that doesn't work, we call in a mediator
(usually Mom or Dad) to help problem solve. I explain to them that adults
can't hit each other or they get in trouble with the law, and that hitting
makes people feel awful.>>
That's it in a nutshell. Sounds simple enough and if you do this every time,
it works. With some kids it works quicker than others so one has to be
patient. But it does work and when the child uses those skills he has
learned for the first time, it's great for everyone involved. That's when
you have the party!!
Mary B
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Kimber
<<<I find myself dialoguing a lot, but more trust developing between everyone.
More compassion, more problem solving skills and so on, are being noticed.
Not that we don't have bad moments.....everyone does.
But I really believe that my calm awareness is going to make a huge
difference eventually.
Patience is not my strength, but I'm learning.
Ren>>>
I think this is what is working around our home. I am trying so hard to not add emotion to the situation but calmness. It is difficult sometimes but I can already see changes taking place. My friends and family (who are not 100% behind this unschooling thing) have noted the differences in attitudes arounds here. We are genuinely happy to be with each other. My mother thinks I am nuts.
I have been wanting to send another thank you to everyone for the advice and words of wisdom that has so changed our lives. We have only been at this new lifestyle for a few months, but I feel the love and respect for each other has grown immensely.
Kimber
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
More compassion, more problem solving skills and so on, are being noticed.
Not that we don't have bad moments.....everyone does.
But I really believe that my calm awareness is going to make a huge
difference eventually.
Patience is not my strength, but I'm learning.
Ren>>>
I think this is what is working around our home. I am trying so hard to not add emotion to the situation but calmness. It is difficult sometimes but I can already see changes taking place. My friends and family (who are not 100% behind this unschooling thing) have noted the differences in attitudes arounds here. We are genuinely happy to be with each other. My mother thinks I am nuts.
I have been wanting to send another thank you to everyone for the advice and words of wisdom that has so changed our lives. We have only been at this new lifestyle for a few months, but I feel the love and respect for each other has grown immensely.
Kimber
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]