Re: [Unschooling-dotcom] interfering tactfully
Rachel Ann
What I've done sometimes is give a sympathetic look and say something along the lines of how difficult it is and how hard it is when a child is sick/tired/etc etc. then I try and focus on how cute or sweet their child is.
I think you handled it well Brenda...I loving approach is good. We don't always know what is going on, but if my is on her last nerve, and someone is kind, that does help her have time to regroup.
be well,
Rachel Ann
I think you handled it well Brenda...I loving approach is good. We don't always know what is going on, but if my is on her last nerve, and someone is kind, that does help her have time to regroup.
be well,
Rachel Ann
----- Original Message -----
From: Alan & Brenda Leonard
To: [email protected]
Sent: Wednesday, October 23, 2002 6:14 PM
Subject: Re: [Unschooling-dotcom] interfering tactfully
10/23/02 19:49:
> How exactly do you approach a situation like this? I have the hardest time in
> public when I witness other parents being hurtful to their children (not just
> through spanking but through belittling, saying hurtful things, etc).
I've stepped into a situations like you described in the restaurant by
saying something directly to the parent about how cute their toddler is, or
how nicely their boys are sitting, whatever I can dream up that they *are*
doing well. Then when they give me one of those wary "thank you's" I carry
on with how proud they surely must be of them and how I hope they will tell
them that every time they're this good, and of course their age-appropriate
little antics aren't bothering me in the least, etc.
I've walked up to a couple of different mothers who were spanking and
berating their children in public and asked, quietly, if they needed a break
to pull themselves together. One swore at me and left, and one froze, burst
into tears, and sat down. We chatted for quite a while about how tiring
parenting can be and I tried to help her with some better ideas, and I left
hopeful that maybe things would improve a bit for her daughter.
I believe that someone needs to step in sometimes, but I'm also not very
good at doing it. More ideas are certainly welcome, because I'm not usually
sure what the right thing to say is.
brenda
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Alan & Brenda Leonard
10/23/02 19:49:
saying something directly to the parent about how cute their toddler is, or
how nicely their boys are sitting, whatever I can dream up that they *are*
doing well. Then when they give me one of those wary "thank you's" I carry
on with how proud they surely must be of them and how I hope they will tell
them that every time they're this good, and of course their age-appropriate
little antics aren't bothering me in the least, etc.
I've walked up to a couple of different mothers who were spanking and
berating their children in public and asked, quietly, if they needed a break
to pull themselves together. One swore at me and left, and one froze, burst
into tears, and sat down. We chatted for quite a while about how tiring
parenting can be and I tried to help her with some better ideas, and I left
hopeful that maybe things would improve a bit for her daughter.
I believe that someone needs to step in sometimes, but I'm also not very
good at doing it. More ideas are certainly welcome, because I'm not usually
sure what the right thing to say is.
brenda
> How exactly do you approach a situation like this? I have the hardest time inI've stepped into a situations like you described in the restaurant by
> public when I witness other parents being hurtful to their children (not just
> through spanking but through belittling, saying hurtful things, etc).
saying something directly to the parent about how cute their toddler is, or
how nicely their boys are sitting, whatever I can dream up that they *are*
doing well. Then when they give me one of those wary "thank you's" I carry
on with how proud they surely must be of them and how I hope they will tell
them that every time they're this good, and of course their age-appropriate
little antics aren't bothering me in the least, etc.
I've walked up to a couple of different mothers who were spanking and
berating their children in public and asked, quietly, if they needed a break
to pull themselves together. One swore at me and left, and one froze, burst
into tears, and sat down. We chatted for quite a while about how tiring
parenting can be and I tried to help her with some better ideas, and I left
hopeful that maybe things would improve a bit for her daughter.
I believe that someone needs to step in sometimes, but I'm also not very
good at doing it. More ideas are certainly welcome, because I'm not usually
sure what the right thing to say is.
brenda
[email protected]
<<I believe that someone needs to step in sometimes, but I'm also not
very
good at doing it. More ideas are certainly welcome, because I'm not
usually
sure what the right thing to say is.
brenda>>
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very
good at doing it. More ideas are certainly welcome, because I'm not
usually
sure what the right thing to say is.
brenda>>
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Mary Bianco
>From: Alan & Brenda Leonard <abtleo@...><<I've walked up to a couple of different mothers who were spanking and
berating their children in public and asked, quietly, if they needed a break
to pull themselves together. One swore at me and left, and one froze, burst
into tears, and sat down. We chatted for quite a while about how tiring
parenting can be and I tried to help her with some better ideas, and I left
hopeful that maybe things would improve a bit for her daughter.
I believe that someone needs to step in sometimes, but I'm also not very
good at doing it. More ideas are certainly welcome, because I'm not usually
sure what the right thing to say is.>>
Well good for you in saying something either when the kids are good or the
parents are bad! I think it seems like you did the right thing in the latter
case. You will always have someone not want to listen but you also had
someone who needed some help. You gave it to her if just for a moment. That
might make the difference the next time.
I would love ideas too, as when I do say something, I have a tendency to
come across a bit harsh. <BG> I'm a wimp when it comes to sticking up for
myself, but bother my kids or other kids, I'm different. I guess I over
compensate.
Mary B
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Deborah Lewis
On Thu, 24 Oct 2002 00:48:33 +0000 "Mary Bianco" <mummyone24@...>
writes:
instantly pissed.
I say stuff like STOP THAT! and I usually get a "you don't know anything
about it" or - Eff you- or something to that effect. It's hard to
remain pleasant when the person hitting is so unpleasant. Maybe a gentle
approach might work better, but how do you stop your blood from boiling
long enough to think nice thoughts about a grown up smacking a kid?
I really think people get away with bad stuff by relying on our good
manners. We are shocked, but we're decent people and we try to over
look what ever the bad thing is. They get to keep doing it.
Would we be worrying about being gentle to a man who was hitting a woman?
I don't see how we can change the situation for kids who are getting
spanked if we don't speak up. I just honestly don't know if it's
possible to do it *nicely*.
Maybe we just have to get used to throwing up after.
Deb L, but you can call me ralph
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
writes:
> I would love ideas too, as when I do say something, I have aThis is the problem, because when I see someone whacking a kid I'm
> tendency to
> come across a bit harsh.
instantly pissed.
I say stuff like STOP THAT! and I usually get a "you don't know anything
about it" or - Eff you- or something to that effect. It's hard to
remain pleasant when the person hitting is so unpleasant. Maybe a gentle
approach might work better, but how do you stop your blood from boiling
long enough to think nice thoughts about a grown up smacking a kid?
I really think people get away with bad stuff by relying on our good
manners. We are shocked, but we're decent people and we try to over
look what ever the bad thing is. They get to keep doing it.
Would we be worrying about being gentle to a man who was hitting a woman?
I don't see how we can change the situation for kids who are getting
spanked if we don't speak up. I just honestly don't know if it's
possible to do it *nicely*.
Maybe we just have to get used to throwing up after.
Deb L, but you can call me ralph
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
<<I believe that someone needs to step in sometimes, but I'm also not
very
good at doing it. More ideas are certainly welcome, because I'm not
usually
sure what the right thing to say is.
brenda>>
Brenda, I think your action was right on! Compassionate intervention is
always best, just saying "Stop that!" doesn't do much, IMO. I've stopped
to say something sweet to the child and even an angry mother is more
open, sometimes she will begin to chat and even tell me how frustrated
she is. I'll commiserate and then ask if she would like to know what
works for me, by this point they always do. Scolding the parent only
generates more anger, certainly not helping anyone.
Kris
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very
good at doing it. More ideas are certainly welcome, because I'm not
usually
sure what the right thing to say is.
brenda>>
Brenda, I think your action was right on! Compassionate intervention is
always best, just saying "Stop that!" doesn't do much, IMO. I've stopped
to say something sweet to the child and even an angry mother is more
open, sometimes she will begin to chat and even tell me how frustrated
she is. I'll commiserate and then ask if she would like to know what
works for me, by this point they always do. Scolding the parent only
generates more anger, certainly not helping anyone.
Kris
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[email protected]
<<This is the problem, because when I see someone whacking a kid I'm
instantly pissed.
I say stuff like STOP THAT! and I usually get a "you don't know anything
about it" or - Eff you- or something to that effect. It's hard to
remain pleasant when the person hitting is so unpleasant. Maybe a gentle
approach might work better, but how do you stop your blood from boiling
long enough to think nice thoughts about a grown up smacking a kid? >>
By thinking about the child. I'm not nice to the mom because it comes
naturally but I know that anger and abruptness will only make it worse
for the child. It's a suck it in, control myself and be calm for the
child's sake.
What usually happens though is that when the mom begins to talk about her
frustration I tend to be less angry. I've met very few parents who
didn't care about how they were parenting, they may too entrenched in old
and accepted ways but not purposefully negligent.
Kris
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instantly pissed.
I say stuff like STOP THAT! and I usually get a "you don't know anything
about it" or - Eff you- or something to that effect. It's hard to
remain pleasant when the person hitting is so unpleasant. Maybe a gentle
approach might work better, but how do you stop your blood from boiling
long enough to think nice thoughts about a grown up smacking a kid? >>
By thinking about the child. I'm not nice to the mom because it comes
naturally but I know that anger and abruptness will only make it worse
for the child. It's a suck it in, control myself and be calm for the
child's sake.
What usually happens though is that when the mom begins to talk about her
frustration I tend to be less angry. I've met very few parents who
didn't care about how they were parenting, they may too entrenched in old
and accepted ways but not purposefully negligent.
Kris
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Dalene and Andy
>>By thinking about the child. I'm not nice to the mom because it comesnaturally but I know that anger and abruptness will only make it worse
for the child. It's a suck it in, control myself and be calm for the
child's sake.
What usually happens though is that when the mom begins to talk about her
frustration I tend to be less angry. I've met very few parents who
didn't care about how they were parenting, they may too entrenched in old
and accepted ways but not purposefully negligent.
Couldn't agree more - think about the child, not about my own feelings.
Dalene
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 10/23/02 4:06:00 PM, hindar@... writes:
<< What I've done sometimes is give a sympathetic look and say something
along the lines of how difficult it is and how hard it is when a child is
sick/tired/etc etc. then I try and focus on how cute or sweet their child is.
not yet to the smacking part.
Rachel Ann, is it your experience that Jewish families are more patient and
loving with their children than others?
Sandra
<< What I've done sometimes is give a sympathetic look and say something
along the lines of how difficult it is and how hard it is when a child is
sick/tired/etc etc. then I try and focus on how cute or sweet their child is.
>>That's a really good idea, if it's just in the growing-frustration stage and
not yet to the smacking part.
Rachel Ann, is it your experience that Jewish families are more patient and
loving with their children than others?
Sandra