Re: Finding Role Models
Tracy Oldfield
Lucy, I know I'm behind here, but I know EXACTLY what you mean! On a
different issue, I have read the books by Adele Faber and Eileen Mazlish,
and while they are, in their way, 'how-to' books, they do dwell more on
changing the way we deal with things to reflect the respect and love we feel
for our children, than changing our children. While reading such a book may
not change someone's idea about how they see their children, for those who
already know that they are not comfortable with the way their parents dealt
with things they do present an alternative way of behaving, and as Joel
says, this would not work (much like dieting!) if it's not believed in.
My nearest LLL group has been a source of such people, but it's a long way
from me, and I haven't formed 'drop-in' relationships with anyone else who
believes the things I do and makes an effort to do something about them.
Since September, my children have spent increasing amounts of time with my
mother, m-i-l and dh, and it's showing in their behaviour and what they say,
like labelling themselves as 'good' or 'naughty.' I'm considering
'accidentally' leaving some suitable literature at my mother's, see if it
makes a breakthrough! My role models are Mother Bear from Little Bear, and
the 'factional' mother in the Faber and Mazlish books, and I try to
introduce others to my path, in hope of having a travelling companion! Like
you, Lucy, I keep this list for this reason as well as the intersesting
debates! I'm also on a couple of other lists where I follow some and seem
to lead others, which is just as it should be! (anyone who's also on those
lists, I hope that doesn't sound pompous!)
Best of luck in finding a real-live role model, and keep heart by knowing
that we can become those role-models for other mothers, and our own
children.
Tracy
different issue, I have read the books by Adele Faber and Eileen Mazlish,
and while they are, in their way, 'how-to' books, they do dwell more on
changing the way we deal with things to reflect the respect and love we feel
for our children, than changing our children. While reading such a book may
not change someone's idea about how they see their children, for those who
already know that they are not comfortable with the way their parents dealt
with things they do present an alternative way of behaving, and as Joel
says, this would not work (much like dieting!) if it's not believed in.
My nearest LLL group has been a source of such people, but it's a long way
from me, and I haven't formed 'drop-in' relationships with anyone else who
believes the things I do and makes an effort to do something about them.
Since September, my children have spent increasing amounts of time with my
mother, m-i-l and dh, and it's showing in their behaviour and what they say,
like labelling themselves as 'good' or 'naughty.' I'm considering
'accidentally' leaving some suitable literature at my mother's, see if it
makes a breakthrough! My role models are Mother Bear from Little Bear, and
the 'factional' mother in the Faber and Mazlish books, and I try to
introduce others to my path, in hope of having a travelling companion! Like
you, Lucy, I keep this list for this reason as well as the intersesting
debates! I'm also on a couple of other lists where I follow some and seem
to lead others, which is just as it should be! (anyone who's also on those
lists, I hope that doesn't sound pompous!)
Best of luck in finding a real-live role model, and keep heart by knowing
that we can become those role-models for other mothers, and our own
children.
Tracy
> From: LASaliger@...I
> Subject: Finding role models
>
> I believe that it is so much better to treat children with respect and
> care, to take the time to talk out a situation with them rather than just
> using quick penalties/punishments, etc. However one of the things that I
> find hardest is that I don't know where to see that kind of
> parenting/treatment of children modeled. I believe in it but I feel like
> it's so hard to live up to my ideals because I wasn't raised that way and
> don't see it in the people I know. I know there are people out there,like
> many of you on this list, and that's why this group is so much help to mebut
> I wish that I could really see it in practice.mom
> I find myself instead looking to a few fictional characters, like the
> (Marmy) in Little Women. My kids know that she's one of my ideals and sowasn't
> when I lose my patience and yell or whatever, they joke with me, "That
> very Marmy-like." Anyway, just wondered if you struggle with this alsoand
> what any of you may have done to find role models or learn new ways ofbeing
> and have them stick.
>
> Lucy in Calif.
[email protected]
Tracy,
I've never read books by Adele Faber or Eileen Mazlish but they sound
like something I would like and benefit from. I understand what you mean
when you say that they won't change someone who feels very differently but
they can help a person put into practice the ideals they have.
Family members and old friends who believe differently and treat our kids
differently can be trying. I am always torn between getting involved and
listening quietly while my children handle situations themselves. My
instinct is to jump in and say something but sometimes I stop myself because
my kids are pretty adept at presenting their sides of things (or at least the
older ones are) and so I think that maybe I'm being overly protective. But
it does make it hard. If I do say something, even though it is tactful, it
seems like there is this awkward tension.
I think being a role model for others would be such a meaningful
contribution and I guess that's another reason why I want to feel like I'm
moving beyond the "how can I really be this way" stage. But the biggest
reason is just to feel like I'm giving my kids this solid foundation to draw
upon through their lives and so that they can be this way with their kids and
have it come much more naturally (role modeling again).
Thanks for your thoughts and for the author recommendations.
Lucy
I've never read books by Adele Faber or Eileen Mazlish but they sound
like something I would like and benefit from. I understand what you mean
when you say that they won't change someone who feels very differently but
they can help a person put into practice the ideals they have.
Family members and old friends who believe differently and treat our kids
differently can be trying. I am always torn between getting involved and
listening quietly while my children handle situations themselves. My
instinct is to jump in and say something but sometimes I stop myself because
my kids are pretty adept at presenting their sides of things (or at least the
older ones are) and so I think that maybe I'm being overly protective. But
it does make it hard. If I do say something, even though it is tactful, it
seems like there is this awkward tension.
I think being a role model for others would be such a meaningful
contribution and I guess that's another reason why I want to feel like I'm
moving beyond the "how can I really be this way" stage. But the biggest
reason is just to feel like I'm giving my kids this solid foundation to draw
upon through their lives and so that they can be this way with their kids and
have it come much more naturally (role modeling again).
Thanks for your thoughts and for the author recommendations.
Lucy