luv2unskool

We have been unschooling our gifted 9 year old daughter for about a
year. I love and embrace unschooling! It clicked with me/us, and
there's no looking back to the "school at home" we used to do. My
daughter has the freedom to learn what she wants, when she wants - or
to play playstation all day if she chooses! What a wonderful
freedom! (I say she is "gifted", because of the assessment tests
she did prior to our unschooling. She excels in whatever she
chooses.)

My question is this. I have always asked that she brush her teeth,
get dressed, and make her bed in the morning. After she completes
those responsibilities, she is free to do whatever she chooses, from
playing her violin, reading, watching tv, playing outside - the
choice is hers. This doesn't seem unreasonable to me. I have been
reading many postings here, and am wondering if/how my "requiring"
her to do ANYTHING (chores, responsitilies etc) might have an effect
on unschooling. I don't require academics, or "education", but
simple, basic hygiene etc. Literally, if I didn't "make" her brush
her teeth, she might not for a week. (yuck!) She battles me about
these basic things! I have tried numerous things to get these things
taken care of, but could use any suggestions you may have.

One more question, while I'm at it. How do you all deal with
disrespect? Talking back, raising her voice to me, stomping,
slamming doors - she gets very frustrated when things don't go "just
right". Yesterday it was violin. She was playing, and didn't get
the song perfect. She started to get angry. I suggested she put it
away for a bit, and take it out later for a fresh start. She slammed
down the bow, knocked over her music stand in her huff, and slammed
her bedroom door. I have repeatedly talked to her, to help her
understand that it doesn't have to and isn't going to be perfect
everytime, etc etc... She puts the perfection thing on herself. I
think it is because so many things come so easily for her, when she
struggles, she doesn't know how to deal with it, and blows up. This
used to be a huge issue when we were doing "school at home".

It isn't healthy for any of us to endure her attitude, (I also have a
3 year old boy that is copying her behaviors), there should be
consequences for her actions. When she gets angry because her game
isn't going well, she slams the playstation. I take away her
playstation for the day - the punishment fits the crime. But what
about general disrespect or attitude? She pushing to see what the
limits are, that's for sure. Sometimes I wonder if she thinks she
doesn't have to listen to me, because she thinks she's as smart as
me?

Anything thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated. I can't be
the only one going through this? Thanks all!
Christine, Maine

Kelli Traaseth

Christine, I have the same issues with my daughter and son. I also grew up the same way. For me, its helped to just let them vent, at the moment. and then when they've cooled down, we talk about it. I tell them how I used to feel when I was learning things.
My kids love to talk with me about what I went through as a child, especially when its things they are experiencing.
My parents never talked with me about it and I just had to deal with it on my own, hence, I think I really kept alot inside. Never learned that most things in life take practice, gee..
It seems like if we just take a little extra time and talk with them about it and do a little explaining (when they want to hear it) it really helps.
As far as chores, we have also had those issues but I have also learned to just relax alot about that, not important enough to me to keep on them. If they have a friend over I might suggest picking up and I'll help. They can then play better, find things better, and not lose things. But I let them decide, also with brushing teeth, education about it is really all I do.
For most of it I have to just relax, relax, relax!
Kelli


luv2unskool <cmr0523@...> wrote:We have been unschooling our gifted 9 year old daughter for about a
year. I love and embrace unschooling! It clicked with me/us, and
there's no looking back to the "school at home" we used to do. My
daughter has the freedom to learn what she wants, when she wants - or
to play playstation all day if she chooses! What a wonderful
freedom! (I say she is "gifted", because of the assessment tests
she did prior to our unschooling. She excels in whatever she
chooses.)

My question is this. I have always asked that she brush her teeth,
get dressed, and make her bed in the morning. After she completes
those responsibilities, she is free to do whatever she chooses, from
playing her violin, reading, watching tv, playing outside - the
choice is hers. This doesn't seem unreasonable to me. I have been
reading many postings here, and am wondering if/how my "requiring"
her to do ANYTHING (chores, responsitilies etc) might have an effect
on unschooling. I don't require academics, or "education", but
simple, basic hygiene etc. Literally, if I didn't "make" her brush
her teeth, she might not for a week. (yuck!) She battles me about
these basic things! I have tried numerous things to get these things
taken care of, but could use any suggestions you may have.

One more question, while I'm at it. How do you all deal with
disrespect? Talking back, raising her voice to me, stomping,
slamming doors - she gets very frustrated when things don't go "just
right". Yesterday it was violin. She was playing, and didn't get
the song perfect. She started to get angry. I suggested she put it
away for a bit, and take it out later for a fresh start. She slammed
down the bow, knocked over her music stand in her huff, and slammed
her bedroom door. I have repeatedly talked to her, to help her
understand that it doesn't have to and isn't going to be perfect
everytime, etc etc... She puts the perfection thing on herself. I
think it is because so many things come so easily for her, when she
struggles, she doesn't know how to deal with it, and blows up. This
used to be a huge issue when we were doing "school at home".

It isn't healthy for any of us to endure her attitude, (I also have a
3 year old boy that is copying her behaviors), there should be
consequences for her actions. When she gets angry because her game
isn't going well, she slams the playstation. I take away her
playstation for the day - the punishment fits the crime. But what
about general disrespect or attitude? She pushing to see what the
limits are, that's for sure. Sometimes I wonder if she thinks she
doesn't have to listen to me, because she thinks she's as smart as
me?

Anything thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated. I can't be
the only one going through this? Thanks all!
Christine, Maine


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Mary Bianco

>From: "luv2unskool" <cmr0523@...>

<<My question is this. I have always asked that she brush her teeth,
get dressed, and make her bed in the morning>>


Well lucky for me, I can't say I've run into any hygiene problems as I see
it with my kids. (so far!) My kids never get dressed unless we are actually
going out somewhere. My baby wears onesies to bed and the middle 2 wear long
t-shirts and the oldest sometimes nothing at all. (okay, she gets dressed!)
My kids go outside in the back and front like that. I don't see it as a big
deal. If we're having company, I ask that they put pants on. It usually
doesn't last. Once one of them goes to the bathroom, the shorts come off. I
sent my girlfriend a video tape of our family and we were all hysterical at
one scene of us all in the backyard releasing a bird we nursed back to
health. None of the kids had pants on and my oldest daughter's best friend
didn't either!!!! We're pretty relaxed here and luckily the people who visit
are okay with that. If they weren't, they can stay home!!! At least we have
something on!!!

As far as making the beds, what's the big deal really? I make mine, none of
the kids do. The 3 younger ones really don't make such a mess when they
sleep so pulling up the comforter is fixing it. My oldest sleeps like she's
fighting with someone. If someone is coming over, her room is the first one
seen from the dining room, I close the door. It's her room. If she likes it
that way, okay. My sons room is a disaster at times, as long as I can get in
to dust and vacuum, I let him go. One can't possibly see his room unless you
go right into it. He'll go for weeks and all of a sudden it will be all
cleaned up. Of course it gets messed again, but what are kids rooms for???

So I see dressing and bed making as nothing that 'needs' to be done. As far
as the teeth brushing goes, I would try something to make sure it got done.
Maybe just educate her on what could happen if she stops brushing. Get
pictures.



<<One more question, while I'm at it. How do you all deal with
disrespect? Talking back, raising her voice to me, stomping,
slamming doors - she gets very frustrated when things don't go "just
right>>



Well this is much more trickier. I'm sure a lot of people here will give you
different advice on this one. With my younger ones, I haven't run into many
problems with this. They are 2, 6, and 7. When someone talks to someone else
in an unacceptable manner in this house, that person is taken aside and
talked to as to why they did it, how they felt or feel now and so on. It's
discussed, but at the same time, they are told that it is not acceptable to
us all. No TV gets taken away or video games or anything like that. I can
honestly say my younger 3 have not been punished. We discuss and try to talk
about the why's and if we get no where at the time, we try again at a later
date. Never more than a day later.

Now my oldest is a different story. She has always been in school so her
upbringing is totally different than the other 3. She's 16 now and
absolutely fantastic first of all!! When she was 10-13, it was getting
tough. She was punished. We tried taking away everything from the radio to
her allowance. It never made the slightest difference to her. The only thing
that got to her, was not being allowed to go out with her friends. She was
grounded for one night and if that didn't work it would be 2 nights. It
never got past two nights and we only had to do it maybe 3 times at the
most. She had an incredible temper and she was taught to go outside and
scream or to her room and punch or throw pillows. That helped her. Talking
to her at these moments was a big no no. It had to wait until she calmed
down. Sometimes that was quite awhile. She was also a big door slammer. It
was very annoying and with 2 little kids in the house too, not a good thing.
We finally told her that we would take the door off it's hinges if she did
it again. Gave her other ways she could get out her anger and the doors
stopped slamming.

Now I am in no way saying these were right things and even that I would go
about doing it all like that again. There are many things I would try
differently if those problems came up with any of the other 3 kids. I think
taking a breath, choosing your battles wisely, (like bed fixing and dressing
as opposed to teeth brushing and mouthing off) and talking and talking and
talking to your child is the best way to go. Respect them like you would
want someone to respect you. I know they aren't thinking like an adult, but
I am amazed at how far you can get by reasoning with a child. I am learning
every day how to handle situations with my children. And there is an awful
lot of very good advice here to be found. It just takes time and trust and a
lot of patience!

Good luck.

Mary B

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Deborah Lewis

I am so behind.

***Literally, if I didn't "make" her brush
her teeth, she might not for a week. (yuck!)***

Maybe not. <g>
You probably never did that experiment.

What I told Dylan about personal hygiene was that it was partly for our
health and partly a kindness to others. That people we knew probably
enjoyed talking to us more if we didn't smell bad and have bad breath. I
told him it was a common courtesy to brush our teeth before we were going
to be close to or talking to others.
Children's sinuses sometimes develop later and so can their sense of
smell. They might not notice daddy's breath smells like a litter pan in
the morning and so, make no association about their own.
I think you can ease up on this because at nine she really is going to
notice the difference between a clean mouth and a not clean one.

*** She battles me about
these basic things! I have tried numerous things to get these things
taken care of, but could use any suggestions you may have. ***

I'd stop worrying about the getting dressed and making the bed. Those
things wont affect her health or happiness. Her unmade bed won't hurt
anyone.

You've had really good advice from other people here, about all of this,
and I guess I don't need to repeat what they already said. <g>

Deb L