keeping other people happy
[email protected]
***You do your best to help the person deal with their feelings but it isn't
my
job to keep other people happy.***
That attitude will get you lonely fast.
My friends do nice things for me, and I do nice things for them. If we as a
group find that one of our friends is unhappy, some of us try to do something
to help him perk up and get happier.
It's not my "job" because nobody hired me and sends me a paycheck.
It is part of me. The part of me that loves my friends, and the part of me
that feels compassion for other people's unhappiness or confusion.
Two friends of mine are depressed lately. One is near Seattle. One is in
Georgia. Both have gotten packages from me in the past month and both have
had e-mails from me in the past week.
If I say to myself or them or anyone "It's not my job to make them happy"
that doesn't make me a better person.
And those are all adults with freedom of movement and the ability to leave
their house or make a phone call or rent a movie.
Let's consider an infant, a three year old, and ME being the mom.
It is *SO* my job to make that child's life as happy as I can possibly make
it.
-=-it isn't my job to keep other people happy-=-
Was this really written by a mother?
Is the dad still there?
How long will the kids be there if the mother feels no responsibility for
happiness in the home?
Sandra
my
job to keep other people happy.***
That attitude will get you lonely fast.
My friends do nice things for me, and I do nice things for them. If we as a
group find that one of our friends is unhappy, some of us try to do something
to help him perk up and get happier.
It's not my "job" because nobody hired me and sends me a paycheck.
It is part of me. The part of me that loves my friends, and the part of me
that feels compassion for other people's unhappiness or confusion.
Two friends of mine are depressed lately. One is near Seattle. One is in
Georgia. Both have gotten packages from me in the past month and both have
had e-mails from me in the past week.
If I say to myself or them or anyone "It's not my job to make them happy"
that doesn't make me a better person.
And those are all adults with freedom of movement and the ability to leave
their house or make a phone call or rent a movie.
Let's consider an infant, a three year old, and ME being the mom.
It is *SO* my job to make that child's life as happy as I can possibly make
it.
-=-it isn't my job to keep other people happy-=-
Was this really written by a mother?
Is the dad still there?
How long will the kids be there if the mother feels no responsibility for
happiness in the home?
Sandra
Tia Leschke
>isn't
>
> ***You do your best to help the person deal with their feelings but it
> myI'm beginning to think that the original poster (Liz?) is being
> job to keep other people happy.***
>
> That attitude will get you lonely fast.
misunderstood here. What *I* got from her original post was more along the
lines of, you try to keep them happy, you do what you can to keep them
happy, but other people's happiness (including kids) is not something we can
control. I could be wrong, though.
Tia
Rachel Ann
Actually, from my understanding the original poster was talking specifically about TCS, and not necessarily about NCP. TCS theories are quite different from most people's version of non-coercion. TCS parents goal is to have their children happy, and help them get what they (the children) want. Unhappiness is a sign the parent failed.
Therefore, if little Johnny wanted to kill his pet cat by burning it, and mom and dad couldn't persuade little Johnny to use alternate methods of obtaining his goal, then little Johnny's mom and dad were suppose to help little Johnny burn the cat. Now, most will tell you this isn't likely to happen and that with non-coerced children it won't usually happen, but if it does, well, a cat doesn't have value equal to a child (I would agree) and a child's desire for happiness out weighs the cats fear and pain (disagree).
Similarly if the child wanted to strew the living room with sharp objects, despite the fact that you had your elderly mother living in the house, who was prone to falls, had poor eyesight etc. etc. you could not tell your child not to do so. You could offer your best theories on why it was a bad idea...you could scurry after them to pick them up (unless the child didn't want you to) or you could try and direct grandma over and around them each time she wanted to get up..that is, if you weren't busy doing something else for your child. Grandma's falling and killing herself wasn't as important as the child's happiness.
And, if your child wanted to kill themselves, you could give info on why you think it isn't good (your best theory) but you couldn't stop them. Short of Masada and similar occurrence redux, I don't plan on helping or allowing them to do so.
After sometime I the list I got the feeling I was reading about Animal Farm. Everyone was equal but some were more equal than others. Namely one's children. One's own children were more important in terms of happiness than anyone else in any other area.
FWIW, I feel there is a difference between giving the child keys to happiness, and making someone happy. I can't make anyone feel anything emotionally...feelings are reactions from within. Certainly I can foster an environment that will make it more or less likely for happiness to occurr.
I can't always give a child everything they want, and sometimes I may need to stop them from doing something they want. I can try and supply them with the means to be happy, and hlep them feel okay when their desired object isn't obtainable. It is work, imho, to be truly happy. It isn't an event that happens to one, but it is a way of seeing the world, away of coping with what life gives.
be well,
Rachel Ann
Therefore, if little Johnny wanted to kill his pet cat by burning it, and mom and dad couldn't persuade little Johnny to use alternate methods of obtaining his goal, then little Johnny's mom and dad were suppose to help little Johnny burn the cat. Now, most will tell you this isn't likely to happen and that with non-coerced children it won't usually happen, but if it does, well, a cat doesn't have value equal to a child (I would agree) and a child's desire for happiness out weighs the cats fear and pain (disagree).
Similarly if the child wanted to strew the living room with sharp objects, despite the fact that you had your elderly mother living in the house, who was prone to falls, had poor eyesight etc. etc. you could not tell your child not to do so. You could offer your best theories on why it was a bad idea...you could scurry after them to pick them up (unless the child didn't want you to) or you could try and direct grandma over and around them each time she wanted to get up..that is, if you weren't busy doing something else for your child. Grandma's falling and killing herself wasn't as important as the child's happiness.
And, if your child wanted to kill themselves, you could give info on why you think it isn't good (your best theory) but you couldn't stop them. Short of Masada and similar occurrence redux, I don't plan on helping or allowing them to do so.
After sometime I the list I got the feeling I was reading about Animal Farm. Everyone was equal but some were more equal than others. Namely one's children. One's own children were more important in terms of happiness than anyone else in any other area.
FWIW, I feel there is a difference between giving the child keys to happiness, and making someone happy. I can't make anyone feel anything emotionally...feelings are reactions from within. Certainly I can foster an environment that will make it more or less likely for happiness to occurr.
I can't always give a child everything they want, and sometimes I may need to stop them from doing something they want. I can try and supply them with the means to be happy, and hlep them feel okay when their desired object isn't obtainable. It is work, imho, to be truly happy. It isn't an event that happens to one, but it is a way of seeing the world, away of coping with what life gives.
be well,
Rachel Ann
----- Original Message -----
From: Tia Leschke
To: [email protected]
Sent: Monday, October 07, 2002 4:54 PM
Subject: Re: [Unschooling-dotcom] keeping other people happy
>
>
> ***You do your best to help the person deal with their feelings but it
isn't
> my
> job to keep other people happy.***
>
> That attitude will get you lonely fast.
I'm beginning to think that the original poster (Liz?) is being
misunderstood here. What *I* got from her original post was more along the
lines of, you try to keep them happy, you do what you can to keep them
happy, but other people's happiness (including kids) is not something we can
control. I could be wrong, though.
Tia
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