[email protected]

In a message dated 10/5/02 3:15:37 AM Central Daylight Time,
[email protected] writes:

<< I don't want her to be 20 and still need me. >>

Why not? I still need my Mom and I no longer have the option of getting time
with her...ever again.
I understand that you wouldn't want a 20 y.o. that had to have you there in
order to fall asleep, but there is a world of developmental difference
between a 9 y.o. and a 20 y.o.
Don't worry. Needing Mom at 9 is perfectly normal.
Pushing her to not have this at night will only make her more needy AND cause
physchological damage.
I think you are a wonderful Mom for continuing to meet her very real need.
She will become independant, she won't need you to sing her to sleep when
she's 20...I'd bet money on it. But she will still need you.

Ren

[email protected]

In a message dated 10/5/02 3:15:37 AM Central Daylight Time,
[email protected] writes:

<< . So I allow this luxury to our children. I guess some might find it
wrong >>

I think it sounds wonderful Tami!

Ren

kayb85

--- In Unschooling-dotcom@y..., starsuncloud@c... wrote:
> In a message dated 10/5/02 3:15:37 AM Central Daylight Time,
> Unschooling-dotcom@y... writes:
>
> << I don't want her to be 20 and still need me. >>
>
> Why not? I still need my Mom and I no longer have the option of
getting time
> with her...ever again.
> I understand that you wouldn't want a 20 y.o. that had to have you
there in
> order to fall asleep, but there is a world of developmental
difference
> between a 9 y.o. and a 20 y.o.
> Don't worry. Needing Mom at 9 is perfectly normal.
> Pushing her to not have this at night will only make her more needy
AND cause
> physchological damage.
> I think you are a wonderful Mom for continuing to meet her very
real need.
> She will become independant, she won't need you to sing her to
sleep when
> she's 20...I'd bet money on it. But she will still need you.
>
> Ren

Thanks. It's nice to be able to come here for that encouragement
when I have those panic moments. :) Of course I want her to still
need me when she's 20! I just don't want her to need me to get to
sleep and not be able to leave me ever. I just have these visions of
her turning down marriage proposals because it would mean she'd have
to leave me, or making me go to work with her because she can't
handle being away from me all day. To those of you who have older
children, that probably sounds as silly as hearing someone with a 2
year old worrying that he'll still be in diapers when he's 20,
but...well, what can I say, it was a panic attack!

Is there anything else we as moms can do to help our kids develop
more confidence in being away from us, and to make them feel safe
when they're apart from us? Or do we just sit back and wait?

Sheila

Tia Leschke

> Thanks. It's nice to be able to come here for that encouragement
> when I have those panic moments. :) Of course I want her to still
> need me when she's 20! I just don't want her to need me to get to
> sleep and not be able to leave me ever. I just have these visions of
> her turning down marriage proposals because it would mean she'd have
> to leave me, or making me go to work with her because she can't
> handle being away from me all day.

Well, I guess if she gets married, she'll be able to hold her husband's
hand. <g>

To those of you who have older
> children, that probably sounds as silly as hearing someone with a 2
> year old worrying that he'll still be in diapers when he's 20,
> but...well, what can I say, it was a panic attack!

My youngest pretty well pushed me away when he was almost 12. Before that,
I lay down with him for at least a little while every night.
>
> Is there anything else we as moms can do to help our kids develop
> more confidence in being away from us, and to make them feel safe
> when they're apart from us? Or do we just sit back and wait?

I guess we can do all the stuff that makes them feel safe for as long as
they want it. And we wait. And then when they push us away, we miss those
times. <G>
Tia

[email protected]

In a message dated 10/5/02 7:42:35 PM Central Daylight Time,
[email protected] writes:

<< Is there anything else we as moms can do to help our kids develop
more confidence in being away from us, and to make them feel safe
when they're apart from us? Or do we just sit back and wait? >>

Yes. Fill them up with love, nurture and the meeting of needs. Their
confidence is stronger and they can do these things in their own time.
Don't push them to be away from you, don't shame or guilt if they fall apart
when away.
That will bring about happier, better results I believe.

Ren

Judy

*IF* she is wanting to do sleepovers, etc......

-use a timer- 1/2 hour lay with Mom this week, 20 minutes, next week, etc.
-books, music on tape /CD to fall asleep to.
-Sleepy Time tea or something with chamomile ( I can not even think of
drinking a cup in the daytime- it really relaxes you!)
-she is old enough to understand 'stress management' techniques- deep
breathing, muscle relaxation...

if she is not upset about sleep overs, etc. and you are the one having
one of our common 'oh no she will never be able to do this' sort of
parent angst moments ;-)
well, then, you do the deep breathing and relax! There have been some of
the most beautiful sentiments expressed here on the subject- enjoy them.

Love, Jude


starsuncloud@... wrote:

> In a message dated 10/5/02 7:42:35 PM Central Daylight Time,
> [email protected] writes:
>
> << Is there anything else we as moms can do to help our kids develop
> more confidence in being away from us, and to make them feel safe
> when they're apart from us? Or do we just sit back and wait? >>
>
> Yes. Fill them up with love, nurture and the meeting of needs. Their
> confidence is stronger and they can do these things in their own time.
> Don't push them to be away from you, don't shame or guilt if they fall
> apart
> when away.
> That will bring about happier, better results I believe.
>
> Ren




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

In a message dated 10/5/02 10:48:48 AM, sheran@... writes:

<< Is there anything else we as moms can do to help our kids develop
more confidence in being away from us, and to make them feel safe
when they're apart from us? Or do we just sit back and wait? >>

I believe from La Leche League, The Continuum Concept, and personal
experience and observation that the more "us" we give them when they ARE with
us, the sooner they venture out on their own. It's not sitting back and
waiting, it's BEING as beingful as we can be, as much as they want. Being
there physically, emotionally, mentally, humorously, lovingly and constantly.
And then when they leave it's because they want to go more than they want
to stay. And THAT is safety and confidence.

Sandra

Liz Reid and Errol Strelnikoff

> << Is there anything else we as moms can do to help our kids develop
> more confidence in being away from us, and to make them feel safe
> when they're apart from us? Or do we just sit back and wait? >>
>
> Yes. Fill them up with love, nurture and the meeting of needs. Their
> confidence is stronger and they can do these things in their own time.
> Don't push them to be away from you, don't shame or guilt if they
> fall apart
> when away.
> That will bring about happier, better results I believe.
>
> Ren

What my parents did that helped us with sleepovers was they often slept over
too. My parents would visit their friends and vice versa and visits often
were sleep overs. So one day instead of them being there also we were by
ourselves. Nobody even noticed when this happened. I do remember being
driven home once in the middle of the night, so as Ren says above, falling
apart isn't the end sleeping over.

My kids have always been surrounded by adults who have been a part of their
lives so they are used to the idea that other grown ups can take care of
their needs. So this has helped with their sleep overs.

Going camping with a group is another way to do a semi-sleep over. Kids
often wind up sharing tents.

Liz