[email protected]

In a message dated 10/2/02 1:00:32 AM Central Daylight Time,
[email protected] writes:

<< My seven year old would at times get
quite fed up with my friend's twin four year olds and say similar things. I
told him to live with it as their Mother is my friend and they are my
friends and he can play in a different room if he doesn't want to be around
them when they are visiting.
>>

That's not the most sympathetic response "live with it" in regards to a
situation in which the child has very little control.
Is it really the end of the world to take a break from some friends for a few
months? In order to save a child's esteem?
Saying "I don't like ABC" or whatever people they've decided to announce
they don't like is fairly common at a young age.
Often it has to do with the fact that they are figuring out autonomy. They
can say it, so they do! I would take it seriously, but also remember it may
be a developmental stage in which the child is figuring out what he really
does and doesn't like.
Or that he can say powerful things.
But the other child should not have to suffer hurt feelings over it all the
time.
Parent's are required to put children first in this situation I believe.
Just as we are in a lot of situations.
It doesn't mean giving up our personal needs, it may mean putting them on
hold for the better good.
If a person isn't willing to give up their own needs to place a child's first
many, many times, they aren't ready to be parents.

"
Also, asking a child to give a reason for not liking someone can be like
asking for the moon. Analyzing one's feelings is something that even adults
find hard"

I agree.
Especially if, as I mentioned above, the child is merely trying out the ways
in which he can wield some power.
Or test out reactions.
But I would always try to have a respectful reaction.

Ren

Liz Reid and Errol Strelnikoff

When I wrote "live with it" I was addressing the child who was expressing
the anger towards the other children. The words I actually use are
probably, "well, that's life..." which may sound just as bad. But getting
angry and annoyed at younger children is pretty well a part of life as far
as I can see.

Of course there are times when we do just go home or they go home as that is
sometimes the easier option than dealing with the angry child. But if I
have the time and inclination I prefer to let him get his anger out either
with me or on his own, wichever he prefers.
Liz

Deborah Lewis

> When I wrote "live with it" I was addressing the child who was
> expressing
> the anger towards the other children. The words I actually use are
> probably, "well, that's life..." which may sound just as bad. But
> getting
> angry and annoyed at younger children is pretty well a part of life
> as far
> as I can see.

If I was having trouble with a coworker and my partner said "live with
it" I don't think that would help me in any way. Little kids have a lot
of time to live and learn that not everyone in their lives will be loads
of fun, but while they're little and depend on us for help and comfort I
think that's exactly what they should get. "Live with it" and "that's
life" won't comfort anyone.

Deb L

Rachel Ann

I think frequency is also important, as well as the age of the child. If this was a once and awhile meeting--- family thanksgiving and everyone wanted to go to grandmas, or the other mom was taken ill and this was the quickest place to leave the child...then I would feel okay telling the child X is going to be there and we'll just have to deal with it. Here are my ideas. If they came up with their own, that is great. For a 3 year old it really would have to be a rare occasion...I'm speaking of a couple of times a month. For an older child...say at about 6, it could be more frequently, especially since they have more options on where they could choose to go and what they could choose to do.

But in this situation, what is being talked about with the two three year olds, is frequent, unwanted (at least by one party) forced contact. And that to me isn't okay. I know of a particular person my dh likes, and frankly I don't want him near me! He may be perfectly harmless, but something about him makes me uncomfortable. My dh is always trying to tell me it is because he is slow or this or that. Not true. I can deal with people who are slow, I have before. I just have this visceral, don't come near feeling.

Do I have to like everyone? Does my dh have the right to make me have him for dinner frequently? Stay and talk with him? How absurd.

I realize the child is a cousin, but there are alternatives. The original reason for the child saying *I don't like him* may be gone, and it may just be a game. But till it is all worked it is unfair to both children to force them to be together. Even if the child retains a antipathy toward her cousin she can learn to express her desire to be left alone in a more socially acceptable way, and learn to tolerate an occasional time together. But not at age 3 when her options to stay away and not play with him are so limited.

JMHO
be well,
Rachel Ann

> When I wrote "live with it" I was addressing the child who was
> expressing
> the anger towards the other children. The words I actually use are
> probably, "well, that's life..." which may sound just as bad. But
> getting
> angry and annoyed at younger children is pretty well a part of life
> as far
> as I can see.



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