3yo kids
Julie Stauffer
You posted the little girl has quite a long list of people she doesn't like.
Does she really not like them or do they simply aggravate her at times?
I currently have 2 three yo's living with me. We hear lots of "I hate
you's" and "I don't like you's" here. One of the kids says it because it
gets a reaction and she truly enjoys reactions. The other children's main
response to her is "So?". The other 3yo says it because he is mad and when
he is mad it clouds over his entire being, but only for a few minutes. The
other children's main response to him is "Why?" which leads to talking and
usually laughing.
I would want to find out exactly what is motivating this little girl. But
if she really didn't like the little boy, I wouldn't make her play with him
but I would talk with her about feelings.
Julie
Does she really not like them or do they simply aggravate her at times?
I currently have 2 three yo's living with me. We hear lots of "I hate
you's" and "I don't like you's" here. One of the kids says it because it
gets a reaction and she truly enjoys reactions. The other children's main
response to her is "So?". The other 3yo says it because he is mad and when
he is mad it clouds over his entire being, but only for a few minutes. The
other children's main response to him is "Why?" which leads to talking and
usually laughing.
I would want to find out exactly what is motivating this little girl. But
if she really didn't like the little boy, I wouldn't make her play with him
but I would talk with her about feelings.
Julie
[email protected]
In a message dated 10/1/2002 2:07:49 PM Eastern Standard Time,
jnjstau@... writes:
her when she comes to visit. They play together, have a great time and then
the little girl will just turn around and tell her that she doesn't like her
and she should leave, for no reason that's apparent. It's starting to sound a
little like a 3yo phase.
Amy Kagey
<A HREF="http://www.ubah.com/ecommerce/default.asp?sid=Z0939&gid=462366"> </A>U<A HREF="http://www.ubah.com/ecommerce/default.asp?sid=Z0939&gid=462366">sborne Books Online Catalog</A>
"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where
there is no path and leave a trail."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
jnjstau@... writes:
>I have a friend whose 3yo niece tells her constantly that she doesn't like
> I currently have 2 three yo's living with me. We hear lots of "I hate
> you's" and "I don't like you's" here. One of the kids says it because it
> gets a reaction and she truly enjoys reactions. The other children's main
> response to her is "So?". The other 3yo says it because he is mad and when
> he is mad it clouds over his entire being, but only for a few minutes.
her when she comes to visit. They play together, have a great time and then
the little girl will just turn around and tell her that she doesn't like her
and she should leave, for no reason that's apparent. It's starting to sound a
little like a 3yo phase.
Amy Kagey
<A HREF="http://www.ubah.com/ecommerce/default.asp?sid=Z0939&gid=462366"> </A>U<A HREF="http://www.ubah.com/ecommerce/default.asp?sid=Z0939&gid=462366">sborne Books Online Catalog</A>
"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where
there is no path and leave a trail."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jon and Rue Kream
Thanks to everyone who answered. To address some of your
questions/comments:
The little boy in question is not very verbal. I don't think he could be
coached to discuss it with her at this time.
My sister hasn't told her daughter that it's not an option for her not to
play with him. It's just difficult because he's pretty much a member of our
extended family, and he is going to be at the same place she is pretty
often.
I've never heard my sister say anything negative about S. He's really a
very sweet, gentle little boy.
My niece won't give a reason that she doesn't like him. Like I said, she
has quite a few people that she just doesn't like, and has never given a
reason for. My husband is one of them.
My sister doesn't make her share her toys, and gives her lots of attention
when they are with him.
They are never forced to play together, just, by circumstance, to be in the
same house or at the same activity.
She doesn't actually seem to be aggravated by anything these people, or this
little boy, are doing. I'm sure it makes sense to her, but from the outside
it's very irrational behavior. For example, we were all walking to a fair
down the street from my house last week. D told her mother that she wanted
to ride in S's stroller, which had a second seat available. My sister
brought her up to the stroller, and D had a fit because she wanted S to get
out so she wouldn't have to be near him.
Any more thoughts? ~Rue
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
questions/comments:
The little boy in question is not very verbal. I don't think he could be
coached to discuss it with her at this time.
My sister hasn't told her daughter that it's not an option for her not to
play with him. It's just difficult because he's pretty much a member of our
extended family, and he is going to be at the same place she is pretty
often.
I've never heard my sister say anything negative about S. He's really a
very sweet, gentle little boy.
My niece won't give a reason that she doesn't like him. Like I said, she
has quite a few people that she just doesn't like, and has never given a
reason for. My husband is one of them.
My sister doesn't make her share her toys, and gives her lots of attention
when they are with him.
They are never forced to play together, just, by circumstance, to be in the
same house or at the same activity.
She doesn't actually seem to be aggravated by anything these people, or this
little boy, are doing. I'm sure it makes sense to her, but from the outside
it's very irrational behavior. For example, we were all walking to a fair
down the street from my house last week. D told her mother that she wanted
to ride in S's stroller, which had a second seat available. My sister
brought her up to the stroller, and D had a fit because she wanted S to get
out so she wouldn't have to be near him.
Any more thoughts? ~Rue
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 10/1/02 3:31:29 PM, skreams@... writes:
<< It's just difficult because he's pretty much a member of our
extended family, and he is going to be at the same place she is pretty
often. >>
But they'll only be three for a little while. Less than a year. <g>
And if she can play when she's read to and not before it will be better for
her relationship with him AND her relationship with her mother if her mother
will actually listen to her.
I think if the girl is saying she doesn't like him and doesn't want him
there, then it becomes your sister's fault that the boy's feelings are being
hurt, not just the girl's. It shouldn't hurt, if he IS extended family, to
wait another six months or a year and try again.
Sandra
<< It's just difficult because he's pretty much a member of our
extended family, and he is going to be at the same place she is pretty
often. >>
But they'll only be three for a little while. Less than a year. <g>
And if she can play when she's read to and not before it will be better for
her relationship with him AND her relationship with her mother if her mother
will actually listen to her.
I think if the girl is saying she doesn't like him and doesn't want him
there, then it becomes your sister's fault that the boy's feelings are being
hurt, not just the girl's. It shouldn't hurt, if he IS extended family, to
wait another six months or a year and try again.
Sandra
[email protected]
In a message dated 10/1/2002 4:30:38 PM Central Standard Time,
skreams@... writes:
vocabulary. Things seem much more black and white when you don't have the
words to discuss the gray. Unless I'm confused and the "not very verbal" one
is the recipient of the "I don't like yous."
Elizabeth
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
skreams@... writes:
> The little boy in question is not very verbal. I don't think he could beOh, then that's probably the problem here. I had a late talker, small
> coached to discuss it with her at this time
vocabulary. Things seem much more black and white when you don't have the
words to discuss the gray. Unless I'm confused and the "not very verbal" one
is the recipient of the "I don't like yous."
Elizabeth
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jon and Rue Kream
Yup, you're confused :0). The not very verbal is the one who is being told
he's not liked.
-----Original Message-----
From: ejcrewe@... [mailto:ejcrewe@...]
Sent: Tuesday, October 01, 2002 4:51 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: [Unschooling-dotcom] 3yo kids
In a message dated 10/1/2002 4:30:38 PM Central Standard Time,
skreams@... writes:
vocabulary. Things seem much more black and white when you don't have the
words to discuss the gray. Unless I'm confused and the "not very verbal"
one
is the recipient of the "I don't like yous."
Elizabeth
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
he's not liked.
-----Original Message-----
From: ejcrewe@... [mailto:ejcrewe@...]
Sent: Tuesday, October 01, 2002 4:51 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: [Unschooling-dotcom] 3yo kids
In a message dated 10/1/2002 4:30:38 PM Central Standard Time,
skreams@... writes:
> The little boy in question is not very verbal. I don't think he could beOh, then that's probably the problem here. I had a late talker, small
> coached to discuss it with her at this time
vocabulary. Things seem much more black and white when you don't have the
words to discuss the gray. Unless I'm confused and the "not very verbal"
one
is the recipient of the "I don't like yous."
Elizabeth
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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Rachel Ann
To a three year old "I don't like" can mean many different things. (Please remember, three year old speaking)
It can mean, "I don't like you."
It can mean "You look/smell/sound funny (to me)" (every person has their own smell and sound, and every person has a different sense of what is nice to them...doesn't mean there is something untoward about the child.)
It can mean "I still remember when you took my toy"
It can mean, "whenever you are around, my mommy doesn't pay enough attention to me."
or, "whenever you are around everyone pays attention to you and not me" (even if they are getting equal attention or she is getting more attention)
It can mean "I really like the reaction I get when I say these words." (Wow! I really get attention from saying that to him! "
Me: I would :minimize contact between the two kids until the little one is old enough to 1) have forgotten whatever it is she was feeling and made her say the words in the first place
2) till she is old enough to know that you don't always like someone but most of the time you shouldn't say anything.
When contact must occurr, I would make sure to ignore the child's words if possible, just pretend she didn't say them. If not possible, then remove her from the room, and then go back and comfort the boy. If she is doing it to get attention that is most likely to curb the behaviour.
It can mean, "I don't like you."
It can mean "You look/smell/sound funny (to me)" (every person has their own smell and sound, and every person has a different sense of what is nice to them...doesn't mean there is something untoward about the child.)
It can mean "I still remember when you took my toy"
It can mean, "whenever you are around, my mommy doesn't pay enough attention to me."
or, "whenever you are around everyone pays attention to you and not me" (even if they are getting equal attention or she is getting more attention)
It can mean "I really like the reaction I get when I say these words." (Wow! I really get attention from saying that to him! "
Me: I would :minimize contact between the two kids until the little one is old enough to 1) have forgotten whatever it is she was feeling and made her say the words in the first place
2) till she is old enough to know that you don't always like someone but most of the time you shouldn't say anything.
When contact must occurr, I would make sure to ignore the child's words if possible, just pretend she didn't say them. If not possible, then remove her from the room, and then go back and comfort the boy. If she is doing it to get attention that is most likely to curb the behaviour.
----- Original Message -----
From: Jon and Rue Kream
To: [email protected]
Sent: Tuesday, October 01, 2002 5:36 PM
Subject: RE: [Unschooling-dotcom] 3yo kids
Thanks to everyone who answered. To address some of your
questions/comments:
The little boy in question is not very verbal. I don't think he could be
coached to discuss it with her at this time.
My sister hasn't told her daughter that it's not an option for her not to
play with him. It's just difficult because he's pretty much a member of our
extended family, and he is going to be at the same place she is pretty
often.
I've never heard my sister say anything negative about S. He's really a
very sweet, gentle little boy.
My niece won't give a reason that she doesn't like him. Like I said, she
has quite a few people that she just doesn't like, and has never given a
reason for. My husband is one of them.
My sister doesn't make her share her toys, and gives her lots of attention
when they are with him.
They are never forced to play together, just, by circumstance, to be in the
same house or at the same activity.
She doesn't actually seem to be aggravated by anything these people, or this
little boy, are doing. I'm sure it makes sense to her, but from the outside
it's very irrational behavior. For example, we were all walking to a fair
down the street from my house last week. D told her mother that she wanted
to ride in S's stroller, which had a second seat available. My sister
brought her up to the stroller, and D had a fit because she wanted S to get
out so she wouldn't have to be near him.
Any more thoughts? ~Rue
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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[email protected]
In a message dated 10/1/2002 5:04:40 PM Central Standard Time,
skreams@... writes:
understood a whole lot more than he was able to verbalize. And it was in
that stage that he just didn't like playing with his 15 month older cousin
much. The cousin had a lot of loud toys, which may have had something to do
with it. But we just ended up spacing out the visits more and it passed.
Not really advice for you and your sister, though. It's a tough spot,
guessing at what he's like to say if he could.
Elizabeth
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
skreams@... writes:
> Yup, you're confused :0). The not very verbal is the one who is being toldThat makes the whole issue even harder. Although i found that Nathan
> he's not liked.
>
understood a whole lot more than he was able to verbalize. And it was in
that stage that he just didn't like playing with his 15 month older cousin
much. The cousin had a lot of loud toys, which may have had something to do
with it. But we just ended up spacing out the visits more and it passed.
Not really advice for you and your sister, though. It's a tough spot,
guessing at what he's like to say if he could.
Elizabeth
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Rachel Ann
BTW,
One more reason the child may be saying she doesn't like this young boy. If she is very verbal and he is not she may really think he is not talking to be mean to her. It is very difficult at that age to understand that people learn to talk at different rates and the boy is not deliberately not answering her, or talking it what she may consider, baby talk.
She also may not really understand what she is saying.
be well,
Rachel Ann
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
One more reason the child may be saying she doesn't like this young boy. If she is very verbal and he is not she may really think he is not talking to be mean to her. It is very difficult at that age to understand that people learn to talk at different rates and the boy is not deliberately not answering her, or talking it what she may consider, baby talk.
She also may not really understand what she is saying.
be well,
Rachel Ann
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Stephanie Elms
> One more reason the child may be saying she doesn't like thisYes...this happened with the little boy who moved in behind us. He 3 I think,
> young boy. If she is very verbal and he is not she may
> really think he is not talking to be mean to her. It is very
> difficult at that age to understand that people learn to talk
> at different rates and the boy is not deliberately not
> answering her, or talking it what she may consider, baby talk.
but he really had a thing with my youngest who was around 1.5 at the time.
Anytime Kyle was outside, Matthew (the neighbor) would turn around and go
inside. He told his mom that he did not like Kyle but would not give a reason. He
finally said that Kyle would not talk with him and just stared at him. Kyle actually
did not talk much until well after he was 2.
Matthew's mom just kept talking with him and I had lots of talks with Jason about
why Matthew did not want to come over and play. (Kyle actually did not seem to
notice (Matthew was never mean about it, he just turned around and went inside!).
We gave Matthew some space (I kept Kyle busy if Jason and Matthew were playing or
Jason went to their house) and now a year later there is no problem.
Three year olds are an interesting bunch. :o)
Stephanie E
Liz Reid and Errol Strelnikoff
Excuse me for jumping in here, as I haven't actually read all the relevant
posts that go to this subject, but if I understand correctly, the contact
between the two children is occuring because the parents of the children are
friends also and this brings the children together? If this is the case
then asking for a seperation of any time, be it a few days or six months
seems like quite a sacrifice to make just because a three year old is
throwing a fit about a younger child. My seven year old would at times get
quite fed up with my friend's twin four year olds and say similar things. I
told him to live with it as their Mother is my friend and they are my
friends and he can play in a different room if he doesn't want to be around
them when they are visiting.
Of course if the adults are merely putting up with each other in order for
the children to have time together then for sure, take some time apart.
If I had gone along with all my children's dislikes of others we would have
very few friends today, including many of their very best friends.
As homeschoolers we don't have an enormous pool of friends to choose from
and sometimes we have to live with what we have. I have seen siblings treat
each other in a fashion similar to how you have described the three year
olds' behaviour.
Also, asking a child to give a reason for not liking someone can be like
asking for the moon. Analyzing one's feelings is something that even adults
find hard. Sometimes asking what the other child did that they don't like
can yield some interesting responses, as concrete actions are easier to put
into words. Don't make the question a demand either, but rather float the
question in the air during a time when the child is able to communicate.
Just verbalizing thoughts about feelings can help children digest those
feelings. And explain your feelings about the matter. Don't expect much
from any of this though as it will probably pass in a few weeks or so and
you will wonder what all the fuss was about.
regards,
Liz
posts that go to this subject, but if I understand correctly, the contact
between the two children is occuring because the parents of the children are
friends also and this brings the children together? If this is the case
then asking for a seperation of any time, be it a few days or six months
seems like quite a sacrifice to make just because a three year old is
throwing a fit about a younger child. My seven year old would at times get
quite fed up with my friend's twin four year olds and say similar things. I
told him to live with it as their Mother is my friend and they are my
friends and he can play in a different room if he doesn't want to be around
them when they are visiting.
Of course if the adults are merely putting up with each other in order for
the children to have time together then for sure, take some time apart.
If I had gone along with all my children's dislikes of others we would have
very few friends today, including many of their very best friends.
As homeschoolers we don't have an enormous pool of friends to choose from
and sometimes we have to live with what we have. I have seen siblings treat
each other in a fashion similar to how you have described the three year
olds' behaviour.
Also, asking a child to give a reason for not liking someone can be like
asking for the moon. Analyzing one's feelings is something that even adults
find hard. Sometimes asking what the other child did that they don't like
can yield some interesting responses, as concrete actions are easier to put
into words. Don't make the question a demand either, but rather float the
question in the air during a time when the child is able to communicate.
Just verbalizing thoughts about feelings can help children digest those
feelings. And explain your feelings about the matter. Don't expect much
from any of this though as it will probably pass in a few weeks or so and
you will wonder what all the fuss was about.
regards,
Liz
[email protected]
In a message dated 10/1/02 11:15:28 PM, lizanderrol@... writes:
<< if I understand correctly, the contact
between the two children is occuring because the parents of the children are
friends also and this brings the children together? If this is the case
then asking for a seperation of any time, be it a few days or six months
seems like quite a sacrifice to make just because a three year old is
throwing a fit about a younger child. >>
How much damage should be done to the psyche of one child and the soul of
another because the mothers want to visit?
<<My seven year old would at times get
quite fed up with my friend's twin four year olds and say similar things. I
told him to live with it as their Mother is my friend and they are my
friends and he can play in a different room if he doesn't want to be around
them when they are visiting.>>
"Live with it"?
If a child goes to another house and the resident child plays in a different
room, that's hurtful too. When parents put friendships above their own
children's comfort, they're sending the child a big message. What of
bringing an older child to facilitate play among those children? What of the
moms visiting when the kids are with dads? There are options, and any
friendship that can't survive six months of phone instead of in-person visits
wasn't a friendship worth hurting a child over.
<<As homeschoolers we don't have an enormous pool of friends to choose from
and sometimes we have to live with what we have. >>
I don't believe this statement to be true.
<<I have seen siblings treat
each other in a fashion similar to how you have described the three year
olds' behaviour.>>
It's one thing to be insulted by a sibling who is stuck with your for life.
It's another to be insulted when you're a guest or a host.
<<Don't expect much
from any of this though as it will probably pass in a few weeks or so and
you will wonder what all the fuss was about.>>
If it's going to pass in a few weeks, better for that to be a time when the
kids are maturing separately. Some hurts do last a long, long time.
"All the fuss" was about the feelings of humans. Even three year olds are
real people. Their feelings are as big as ours are.
Sandra
<< if I understand correctly, the contact
between the two children is occuring because the parents of the children are
friends also and this brings the children together? If this is the case
then asking for a seperation of any time, be it a few days or six months
seems like quite a sacrifice to make just because a three year old is
throwing a fit about a younger child. >>
How much damage should be done to the psyche of one child and the soul of
another because the mothers want to visit?
<<My seven year old would at times get
quite fed up with my friend's twin four year olds and say similar things. I
told him to live with it as their Mother is my friend and they are my
friends and he can play in a different room if he doesn't want to be around
them when they are visiting.>>
"Live with it"?
If a child goes to another house and the resident child plays in a different
room, that's hurtful too. When parents put friendships above their own
children's comfort, they're sending the child a big message. What of
bringing an older child to facilitate play among those children? What of the
moms visiting when the kids are with dads? There are options, and any
friendship that can't survive six months of phone instead of in-person visits
wasn't a friendship worth hurting a child over.
<<As homeschoolers we don't have an enormous pool of friends to choose from
and sometimes we have to live with what we have. >>
I don't believe this statement to be true.
<<I have seen siblings treat
each other in a fashion similar to how you have described the three year
olds' behaviour.>>
It's one thing to be insulted by a sibling who is stuck with your for life.
It's another to be insulted when you're a guest or a host.
<<Don't expect much
from any of this though as it will probably pass in a few weeks or so and
you will wonder what all the fuss was about.>>
If it's going to pass in a few weeks, better for that to be a time when the
kids are maturing separately. Some hurts do last a long, long time.
"All the fuss" was about the feelings of humans. Even three year olds are
real people. Their feelings are as big as ours are.
Sandra
Jon and Rue Kream
"All the fuss" was about the feelings of humans. Even three year olds are
real people. Their feelings are as big as ours are. "
Exactly, Sandra. I realize this conversation has taken kind of a
hypothetical turn, but to bring it back to reality for a minute, my sister
is very respectful of her daughter. Under no circumstances would she tell
her to "live with it", nor would she want the other mother to tell her son
that.
As to whether or not they could take a break from seeing each other, I don't
know. The three of us, and our families, spend a lot of time together. I'm
actually thinking that maybe they could look at this as almost a sibling
thing. We haven't looked at it that way before, which is odd because we
always think of the cousins (my kids and my sisters') in a sibling sort of
way when they're having a problem, because they spend even MORE time
together. I knew I'd get something to think about if I posted here :0).
~Rue
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
real people. Their feelings are as big as ours are. "
Exactly, Sandra. I realize this conversation has taken kind of a
hypothetical turn, but to bring it back to reality for a minute, my sister
is very respectful of her daughter. Under no circumstances would she tell
her to "live with it", nor would she want the other mother to tell her son
that.
As to whether or not they could take a break from seeing each other, I don't
know. The three of us, and our families, spend a lot of time together. I'm
actually thinking that maybe they could look at this as almost a sibling
thing. We haven't looked at it that way before, which is odd because we
always think of the cousins (my kids and my sisters') in a sibling sort of
way when they're having a problem, because they spend even MORE time
together. I knew I'd get something to think about if I posted here :0).
~Rue
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Julie Stauffer
<<Any more thoughts?>>
Thinking back over to similar situations that have occurred (kids saying
judgmental or hurtful things to other kids) I think I would downplay the
entire thing.
Example: Michelle (3) tells Danny (3) that she doesn't like him and he
looks hurt. I might say something like "That's ok but I DO." and grab the
little guy up in a bear hug or a tickle, give Michelle a wink and a caress
on the head. Letting Michelle know that she is able to have her feelings
and letting Danny know that he is likable and leaving him with a smile.
Julie
Thinking back over to similar situations that have occurred (kids saying
judgmental or hurtful things to other kids) I think I would downplay the
entire thing.
Example: Michelle (3) tells Danny (3) that she doesn't like him and he
looks hurt. I might say something like "That's ok but I DO." and grab the
little guy up in a bear hug or a tickle, give Michelle a wink and a caress
on the head. Letting Michelle know that she is able to have her feelings
and letting Danny know that he is likable and leaving him with a smile.
Julie
Rachel Ann
This sounds like a case of *I don't want to play with you* more than *I hate you*
Actually it is easy to see how this develops. A friend's coming over with whom a child normally likes to play with, but doesn't today. Yet, maybe mom/dad can't call it off...they are 1/2hr away, you need a sitter, she needs a sitter, or you simply don't want to greet them at the door with sorry, she doesn't want to play. It is a bit embarrassing. So mom or dad goes *Oh, you like soandso.* Right? Something along those lines. So liking a person must mean you play want to play with them and if you don't want to play with them you have to not like them.
Anyway, that is my theory.
be well,
Rachel Ann
I have a friend whose 3yo niece tells her constantly that she doesn't like
her when she comes to visit. They play together, have a great time and then
the little girl will just turn around and tell her that she doesn't like her
and she should leave, for no reason that's apparent. It's starting to sound a
little like a 3yo phase.
Amy Kagey
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"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where
there is no path and leave a trail."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Actually it is easy to see how this develops. A friend's coming over with whom a child normally likes to play with, but doesn't today. Yet, maybe mom/dad can't call it off...they are 1/2hr away, you need a sitter, she needs a sitter, or you simply don't want to greet them at the door with sorry, she doesn't want to play. It is a bit embarrassing. So mom or dad goes *Oh, you like soandso.* Right? Something along those lines. So liking a person must mean you play want to play with them and if you don't want to play with them you have to not like them.
Anyway, that is my theory.
be well,
Rachel Ann
I have a friend whose 3yo niece tells her constantly that she doesn't like
her when she comes to visit. They play together, have a great time and then
the little girl will just turn around and tell her that she doesn't like her
and she should leave, for no reason that's apparent. It's starting to sound a
little like a 3yo phase.
Amy Kagey
<A HREF="http://www.ubah.com/ecommerce/default.asp?sid=Z0939&gid=462366"> </A>U<A HREF="http://www.ubah.com/ecommerce/default.asp?sid=Z0939&gid=462366">sborne Books Online Catalog</A>
"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where
there is no path and leave a trail."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Liz Reid and Errol Strelnikoff
> How much damage should be done to the psyche of one child and the soul ofWow! This sounds pretty drastic. As trauma is pretty hard to measure and a
> another because the mothers want to visit?
soul is a mystical substance about which I don't know a lot, I'm afraid I
don't know the answer to that question.
> "Live with it"?I am not explaining myself well. My seven year old says similar things to
> If a child goes to another house and the resident child plays in
> a different
> room, that's hurtful too. When parents put friendships above their own
> children's comfort, they're sending the child a big message. What of
> bringing an older child to facilitate play among those children?
> What of the
> moms visiting when the kids are with dads? There are options, and any
> friendship that can't survive six months of phone instead of
> in-person visits
> wasn't a friendship worth hurting a child over.
his five year old brother and I wouldn't think of seperating them for six
months or even a day. I tell him as above that if he doesn't want to be
around his brother there are plenty of rooms in the house for him to be in
and friends' houses for him to visit if he wants to get away. The anger
usually lasts less than five minutes so I don't think it is such a big deal.
I always listen to what he has to say and I feel like I am respectful of his
opinion, but I also want to see my friends.
My husband has friends that I don't care for. I don't ask him not have them
over for six months, I just make sure that I am occupied elsewhere if I
don't want to be around them. My children even have friends that I am
sometimes not too fond of, but I do my best to welcome them. This is part
of sharing life together and I am not going to run my life on the fits of
anger of a seven year old or a three year old. My friend's twins happen to
be the best friends of my younger son and part of the seven year old's anger
could be related to this at times. Whatever. He gets over it pretty quick
and if I kept them apart for long he misses them as much as I do.
> <<As homeschoolers we don't have an enormous pool of friends toIt's all relative. I know many homeschoolers who feel they have lots of
> choose from
> and sometimes we have to live with what we have. >>
>
> I don't believe this statement to be true.
friends, but to my mind they seem pretty isolated. We try to have LOTS of
friends. And the kind of friends that are like siblings that you can fight
with and get angry with and still be friends are the best kind and I value
them a lot.
> <<I have seen siblings treatChildren don't necessarily understand the role of guest or host. If my son
> each other in a fashion similar to how you have described the three year
> olds' behaviour.>>
>
> It's one thing to be insulted by a sibling who is stuck with your
> for life.
> It's another to be insulted when you're a guest or a host.
is being ungracious as a host I may appologize to the other children. They
never seem too bothered by it. I am sure if I made a big deal about his
behaviour they would be more insulted. But words are what you make of them.
My children do not hold back when they are upset, but by the same token they
recover very quickly also.
> <<Don't expect muchYou could be right and I could be wrong. We are talking about children we
> from any of this though as it will probably pass in a few weeks or so and
> you will wonder what all the fuss was about.>>
>
> If it's going to pass in a few weeks, better for that to be a
> time when the
> kids are maturing separately. Some hurts do last a long, long time.
>
> "All the fuss" was about the feelings of humans. Even three year
> olds are
> real people. Their feelings are as big as ours are.
don't know. I can only speak from my own experience and my kids tend to
have very short dislikes. Many children that they disliked at first are now
their best friends. I am glad I did not listen to advice like yours when I
still found opportunities to get them together. As I said, we don't have a
huge pool of homeschool friends to choose from.
Liz