How would you handle these situations...
Stephanie Elms
Hi again! Just realized that there are 2 "Stephanie"s on the list, so I guess that I
will start signing with my last initial to avoid confusion.
I was hoping that people might give me some input on how they would handle
the following situations in an "unschooling" way. I have found that in the past
I have been good about seeing my kids point of view and trying to be respectful
in my discipline. There are certain areas where I seem to be at a loss and tend
to fall back on more traditional methods of punishments...any suggestions would
be appreciated.
My biggest problem lately has been hitting. Some days the boys (5 and 2) get along great. Some
not so great. Seems to be a couple of reasons why they hit...boredom, not getting what
they want and revenge (either towards each other or towards me). Obviously hitting
is not acceptable, but what to do about it? If I physically remove Jason (which is
what I usually do) he starts crying about how I hurt him and putting it all back on
me). If I try to talk with him about what he did and how it made Kyle feel, he tunes
me out (very obviously...which also pushes my buttons). Do I just focus on the reason
for the hitting? If so, how exactly (if they are bored I do something with them, but
the other reasons I am not so sure what to do). Dh is very sensitive to this, as he
was the youngest of two boys and his older brother picked on him. DH wants a specific
punishment...either a time out or being sent to his room (neither of which really
works as it turns into a power struggle with Jason running around to prove that we can't
make him - which *really* pushes dh's buttons. Not fun).
Another thing that has become an issue is the sharing of the tv and computer. Now that
we have no restrictions, what is a fair way of doing this? The tv is a little easier,
I usually have them alternate shows (they actually enjoy a lot of the same shows, it is
just the 2 yo is absolutely hooked on Robotica and that is all he wants to watch and Jason
gets bored with it). I feel like I am controlling how they do this, but I also feel that
I have to be more involved since Kyle is only 2. The computer is a little trickier
as there is usually no good start/stop point. In the past, I have usually not made them
share...if one had something, the other could ask for it or offer something in trade
but it was up to the one being asked if he wanted to share it. The computer
has been harder however, as Jason would sometimes stay on it for hours and Kyle can
be very persistent and not be distracted (and often starts screaming). I guess that I
reach a point when I wonder if it is too unfair to Kyle to let Jason determine when he
gets to play all the time (Kyle usually will not initiate playing on the computer but
will want to play when he sees Jason playing). But then it is also unfair to Jason to
let Kyle get his way all the time just because he is the baby. SO then I get into
making the call again.
Anyway...just looking for some input, hoping to get some insight or to be able to see things
in a different way. Thanks
Stephanie E.
will start signing with my last initial to avoid confusion.
I was hoping that people might give me some input on how they would handle
the following situations in an "unschooling" way. I have found that in the past
I have been good about seeing my kids point of view and trying to be respectful
in my discipline. There are certain areas where I seem to be at a loss and tend
to fall back on more traditional methods of punishments...any suggestions would
be appreciated.
My biggest problem lately has been hitting. Some days the boys (5 and 2) get along great. Some
not so great. Seems to be a couple of reasons why they hit...boredom, not getting what
they want and revenge (either towards each other or towards me). Obviously hitting
is not acceptable, but what to do about it? If I physically remove Jason (which is
what I usually do) he starts crying about how I hurt him and putting it all back on
me). If I try to talk with him about what he did and how it made Kyle feel, he tunes
me out (very obviously...which also pushes my buttons). Do I just focus on the reason
for the hitting? If so, how exactly (if they are bored I do something with them, but
the other reasons I am not so sure what to do). Dh is very sensitive to this, as he
was the youngest of two boys and his older brother picked on him. DH wants a specific
punishment...either a time out or being sent to his room (neither of which really
works as it turns into a power struggle with Jason running around to prove that we can't
make him - which *really* pushes dh's buttons. Not fun).
Another thing that has become an issue is the sharing of the tv and computer. Now that
we have no restrictions, what is a fair way of doing this? The tv is a little easier,
I usually have them alternate shows (they actually enjoy a lot of the same shows, it is
just the 2 yo is absolutely hooked on Robotica and that is all he wants to watch and Jason
gets bored with it). I feel like I am controlling how they do this, but I also feel that
I have to be more involved since Kyle is only 2. The computer is a little trickier
as there is usually no good start/stop point. In the past, I have usually not made them
share...if one had something, the other could ask for it or offer something in trade
but it was up to the one being asked if he wanted to share it. The computer
has been harder however, as Jason would sometimes stay on it for hours and Kyle can
be very persistent and not be distracted (and often starts screaming). I guess that I
reach a point when I wonder if it is too unfair to Kyle to let Jason determine when he
gets to play all the time (Kyle usually will not initiate playing on the computer but
will want to play when he sees Jason playing). But then it is also unfair to Jason to
let Kyle get his way all the time just because he is the baby. SO then I get into
making the call again.
Anyway...just looking for some input, hoping to get some insight or to be able to see things
in a different way. Thanks
Stephanie E.
Myranda
Here's what I do with my 7 and 5 yo boys, hope it gives you some ideas.
Hitting: First, remind them when they first get up that there is no hitting allowed, because it's not nice to hurt people. Then throughout the day, like every hour or two, wander through or look up and ask, are you both remembering to be nice and not hit? This gives lots of reminders, with the focus being on acting nice to others. We have a reward system set up. I give my boys a foam heart cutout whenever they go an hour or two without the undesirable behavior, and they have a list of things they can choose from to trade their hearts in to do.
Sharing tv/computer time: My oldest son get the computer in the mornings between breakfast and lunch, and my youngest gets it between lunch and supper. Opposite times with the TV. That way I'm not having to keep up with whose turn it is, and they're both busy so they're not argueing about what the other's choices are. Plus before breakfast and after supper are my computer times and the tv is off those times. They've both gotten to where they usually ignore both the tv and the computer, but when they do want to do/watch something, they know when they can or can't.
Hi again! Just realized that there are 2 "Stephanie"s on the list, so I guess that I
will start signing with my last initial to avoid confusion.
I was hoping that people might give me some input on how they would handle
the following situations in an "unschooling" way. I have found that in the past
I have been good about seeing my kids point of view and trying to be respectful
in my discipline. There are certain areas where I seem to be at a loss and tend
to fall back on more traditional methods of punishments...any suggestions would
be appreciated.
My biggest problem lately has been hitting. Some days the boys (5 and 2) get along great. Some
not so great. Seems to be a couple of reasons why they hit...boredom, not getting what
they want and revenge (either towards each other or towards me). Obviously hitting
is not acceptable, but what to do about it? If I physically remove Jason (which is
what I usually do) he starts crying about how I hurt him and putting it all back on
me). If I try to talk with him about what he did and how it made Kyle feel, he tunes
me out (very obviously...which also pushes my buttons). Do I just focus on the reason
for the hitting? If so, how exactly (if they are bored I do something with them, but
the other reasons I am not so sure what to do). Dh is very sensitive to this, as he
was the youngest of two boys and his older brother picked on him. DH wants a specific
punishment...either a time out or being sent to his room (neither of which really
works as it turns into a power struggle with Jason running around to prove that we can't
make him - which *really* pushes dh's buttons. Not fun).
Another thing that has become an issue is the sharing of the tv and computer. Now that
we have no restrictions, what is a fair way of doing this? The tv is a little easier,
I usually have them alternate shows (they actually enjoy a lot of the same shows, it is
just the 2 yo is absolutely hooked on Robotica and that is all he wants to watch and Jason
gets bored with it). I feel like I am controlling how they do this, but I also feel that
I have to be more involved since Kyle is only 2. The computer is a little trickier
as there is usually no good start/stop point. In the past, I have usually not made them
share...if one had something, the other could ask for it or offer something in trade
but it was up to the one being asked if he wanted to share it. The computer
has been harder however, as Jason would sometimes stay on it for hours and Kyle can
be very persistent and not be distracted (and often starts screaming). I guess that I
reach a point when I wonder if it is too unfair to Kyle to let Jason determine when he
gets to play all the time (Kyle usually will not initiate playing on the computer but
will want to play when he sees Jason playing). But then it is also unfair to Jason to
let Kyle get his way all the time just because he is the baby. SO then I get into
making the call again.
Anyway...just looking for some input, hoping to get some insight or to be able to see things
in a different way. Thanks
Stephanie E.
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Hitting: First, remind them when they first get up that there is no hitting allowed, because it's not nice to hurt people. Then throughout the day, like every hour or two, wander through or look up and ask, are you both remembering to be nice and not hit? This gives lots of reminders, with the focus being on acting nice to others. We have a reward system set up. I give my boys a foam heart cutout whenever they go an hour or two without the undesirable behavior, and they have a list of things they can choose from to trade their hearts in to do.
Sharing tv/computer time: My oldest son get the computer in the mornings between breakfast and lunch, and my youngest gets it between lunch and supper. Opposite times with the TV. That way I'm not having to keep up with whose turn it is, and they're both busy so they're not argueing about what the other's choices are. Plus before breakfast and after supper are my computer times and the tv is off those times. They've both gotten to where they usually ignore both the tv and the computer, but when they do want to do/watch something, they know when they can or can't.
Hi again! Just realized that there are 2 "Stephanie"s on the list, so I guess that I
will start signing with my last initial to avoid confusion.
I was hoping that people might give me some input on how they would handle
the following situations in an "unschooling" way. I have found that in the past
I have been good about seeing my kids point of view and trying to be respectful
in my discipline. There are certain areas where I seem to be at a loss and tend
to fall back on more traditional methods of punishments...any suggestions would
be appreciated.
My biggest problem lately has been hitting. Some days the boys (5 and 2) get along great. Some
not so great. Seems to be a couple of reasons why they hit...boredom, not getting what
they want and revenge (either towards each other or towards me). Obviously hitting
is not acceptable, but what to do about it? If I physically remove Jason (which is
what I usually do) he starts crying about how I hurt him and putting it all back on
me). If I try to talk with him about what he did and how it made Kyle feel, he tunes
me out (very obviously...which also pushes my buttons). Do I just focus on the reason
for the hitting? If so, how exactly (if they are bored I do something with them, but
the other reasons I am not so sure what to do). Dh is very sensitive to this, as he
was the youngest of two boys and his older brother picked on him. DH wants a specific
punishment...either a time out or being sent to his room (neither of which really
works as it turns into a power struggle with Jason running around to prove that we can't
make him - which *really* pushes dh's buttons. Not fun).
Another thing that has become an issue is the sharing of the tv and computer. Now that
we have no restrictions, what is a fair way of doing this? The tv is a little easier,
I usually have them alternate shows (they actually enjoy a lot of the same shows, it is
just the 2 yo is absolutely hooked on Robotica and that is all he wants to watch and Jason
gets bored with it). I feel like I am controlling how they do this, but I also feel that
I have to be more involved since Kyle is only 2. The computer is a little trickier
as there is usually no good start/stop point. In the past, I have usually not made them
share...if one had something, the other could ask for it or offer something in trade
but it was up to the one being asked if he wanted to share it. The computer
has been harder however, as Jason would sometimes stay on it for hours and Kyle can
be very persistent and not be distracted (and often starts screaming). I guess that I
reach a point when I wonder if it is too unfair to Kyle to let Jason determine when he
gets to play all the time (Kyle usually will not initiate playing on the computer but
will want to play when he sees Jason playing). But then it is also unfair to Jason to
let Kyle get his way all the time just because he is the baby. SO then I get into
making the call again.
Anyway...just looking for some input, hoping to get some insight or to be able to see things
in a different way. Thanks
Stephanie E.
~~~~ Don't forget! If you change topics, change the subject line! ~~~~
If you have questions, concerns or problems with this list, please email the moderator, Joyce Fetteroll (fetteroll@...), or the list owner, Helen Hegener (HEM-Editor@...).
To unsubscribe from this group, click on the following link or address an email to:
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Visit the Unschooling website: http://www.unschooling.com
Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 9/30/02 11:01:20 PM, stephanie.elms@...
writes:
<< If I physically remove Jason (which is
what I usually do) he starts crying about how I hurt him and putting it all
back on
me). >>
I would remove the little one rather than the big one, and in a calm and
light tone of voice, say something like "Oooh, it's dangerous here, let's go
feed the cat" or something, and let the older one calm down.
Removing the agressor is harder and less peaceful sometimes.
When I was teaching, one of the older and male teachers told me, after I had
successfully broken up a fight between 15 year old boys, that I could have
been badly hurt, and the next time I should grab the loser, because he WANTS
to be rescued, and they both save face if you remove the victim. If you
remove the agressor you risk being hurt, for one thing. And the dynamics are
worse for participants and viewers. Some of that applies at home too.
-=-If I try to talk with him about what he did and how it made Kyle feel, he
tunes
me out (very obviously...which also pushes my buttons). -=-
Then ask him how he felt instead of telling him how you think it made Kyle
feel. Ask him calmly and sweetly. Make him an ally, not an enemy. Tell
him you want the house to be safe and comfortable for everyone there, and
what can you do so that he's not being so frustrated he needs to hit.
If you say "You don't need to hit" it's in the range of telling someone
something doesn't hurt, or they're not hungry.
<<DH wants a specific
punishment...either a time out or being sent to his room (neither of which
really
works as it turns into a power struggle with Jason running around to prove
that we can't
make him - which *really* pushes dh's buttons. Not fun).>>
Instead of time out, maybe consider a walk (or a jog) with one of the
parents. Get hiim away from his brother, out of the house, maybe even out of
the yard or neighborhood, and when the adrenaline is out and he's once again
NOT in the irritating presence of the usurper (firstborns will know what I
mean), he will be his best self again and can express to a sympathetic parent
how he's feeling.
If IN the presence of his "replacement," he is told he is BAD and WRONG to
resent the new kid, and that the new kid's rights are far greater than HIS
badboy oldest child rights, things will probably get worse before they get
better.
<<But then it is also unfair to Jason to
let Kyle get his way all the time just because he is the baby. SO then I get
into
making the call again.>>
If they have favorite shows, make sure each knows the other wants to watch
whatever that is.
Between and around those, help them negotiate case by case.
What we do with computers is whoever's on can stay on until he's done, but
there are occasional exceptions. Sometimes someone just needs to check
e-mail. An e-mail check made on request should be really brief, not over
fifteen minutes, and that's worked out well.
When one of the boys didn't want to let Holly have a turn, I would remind
them that her sessions never lasted as long as theirs, that she's little and
gets bored, and that made them more willing to let her on.
If she was NOT getting bored and I had kinda promised the boys she would, I
would either find something truly good to distract the boy, or I would find
something truly better to lure Holly away.
Telling them what they should want and that they should have had enough and
that they should give someone else a chance cansometimes sound like just
nagging. Sometimes I do just nag. <g> but it has always worked better when
I appeal to their higher selves, and when I use REAL needs in the house or
real opportunities to be with one kid or another to give them something more
attractive than waiting for or wrangling computers away from each other.
When the baby's asleep, remind the older one to grab the computer, too.
Lately I tell Marty it's noble of him to let me or his sister on, because
when we go to sleep at night he has it all to himself.
The difference between him feeling noble and feeling mistreated is prety
profound. <bwg>
The difference between me praising his nobility and me shaming him for being
selfish goes right off the charts.
Sandra
writes:
<< If I physically remove Jason (which is
what I usually do) he starts crying about how I hurt him and putting it all
back on
me). >>
I would remove the little one rather than the big one, and in a calm and
light tone of voice, say something like "Oooh, it's dangerous here, let's go
feed the cat" or something, and let the older one calm down.
Removing the agressor is harder and less peaceful sometimes.
When I was teaching, one of the older and male teachers told me, after I had
successfully broken up a fight between 15 year old boys, that I could have
been badly hurt, and the next time I should grab the loser, because he WANTS
to be rescued, and they both save face if you remove the victim. If you
remove the agressor you risk being hurt, for one thing. And the dynamics are
worse for participants and viewers. Some of that applies at home too.
-=-If I try to talk with him about what he did and how it made Kyle feel, he
tunes
me out (very obviously...which also pushes my buttons). -=-
Then ask him how he felt instead of telling him how you think it made Kyle
feel. Ask him calmly and sweetly. Make him an ally, not an enemy. Tell
him you want the house to be safe and comfortable for everyone there, and
what can you do so that he's not being so frustrated he needs to hit.
If you say "You don't need to hit" it's in the range of telling someone
something doesn't hurt, or they're not hungry.
<<DH wants a specific
punishment...either a time out or being sent to his room (neither of which
really
works as it turns into a power struggle with Jason running around to prove
that we can't
make him - which *really* pushes dh's buttons. Not fun).>>
Instead of time out, maybe consider a walk (or a jog) with one of the
parents. Get hiim away from his brother, out of the house, maybe even out of
the yard or neighborhood, and when the adrenaline is out and he's once again
NOT in the irritating presence of the usurper (firstborns will know what I
mean), he will be his best self again and can express to a sympathetic parent
how he's feeling.
If IN the presence of his "replacement," he is told he is BAD and WRONG to
resent the new kid, and that the new kid's rights are far greater than HIS
badboy oldest child rights, things will probably get worse before they get
better.
<<But then it is also unfair to Jason to
let Kyle get his way all the time just because he is the baby. SO then I get
into
making the call again.>>
If they have favorite shows, make sure each knows the other wants to watch
whatever that is.
Between and around those, help them negotiate case by case.
What we do with computers is whoever's on can stay on until he's done, but
there are occasional exceptions. Sometimes someone just needs to check
e-mail. An e-mail check made on request should be really brief, not over
fifteen minutes, and that's worked out well.
When one of the boys didn't want to let Holly have a turn, I would remind
them that her sessions never lasted as long as theirs, that she's little and
gets bored, and that made them more willing to let her on.
If she was NOT getting bored and I had kinda promised the boys she would, I
would either find something truly good to distract the boy, or I would find
something truly better to lure Holly away.
Telling them what they should want and that they should have had enough and
that they should give someone else a chance cansometimes sound like just
nagging. Sometimes I do just nag. <g> but it has always worked better when
I appeal to their higher selves, and when I use REAL needs in the house or
real opportunities to be with one kid or another to give them something more
attractive than waiting for or wrangling computers away from each other.
When the baby's asleep, remind the older one to grab the computer, too.
Lately I tell Marty it's noble of him to let me or his sister on, because
when we go to sleep at night he has it all to himself.
The difference between him feeling noble and feeling mistreated is prety
profound. <bwg>
The difference between me praising his nobility and me shaming him for being
selfish goes right off the charts.
Sandra
Kelli Traaseth
Why can't there be pamphlet that is sent out to new parents that have these hints?
I wish I would have known about these 10 yrs ago! I supposed there are books out there, but I just didn't know what to look for.
Sandra, is this going to be part of your book? If not someone should write it!
OK, there's my way to make a living and my husband can then stay home with us!!<g>
Take Care, Kelli
SandraDodd@... wrote:
In a message dated 9/30/02 11:01:20 PM, stephanie.elms@...
writes:
<< If I physically remove Jason (which is
what I usually do) he starts crying about how I hurt him and putting it all
back on
me). >>
I would remove the little one rather than the big one, and in a calm and
light tone of voice, say something like "Oooh, it's dangerous here, let's go
feed the cat" or something, and let the older one calm down.
Removing the agressor is harder and less peaceful sometimes.
When I was teaching, one of the older and male teachers told me, after I had
successfully broken up a fight between 15 year old boys, that I could have
been badly hurt, and the next time I should grab the loser, because he WANTS
to be rescued, and they both save face if you remove the victim. If you
remove the agressor you risk being hurt, for one thing. And the dynamics are
worse for participants and viewers. Some of that applies at home too.
-=-If I try to talk with him about what he did and how it made Kyle feel, he
tunes
me out (very obviously...which also pushes my buttons). -=-
Then ask him how he felt instead of telling him how you think it made Kyle
feel. Ask him calmly and sweetly. Make him an ally, not an enemy. Tell
him you want the house to be safe and comfortable for everyone there, and
what can you do so that he's not being so frustrated he needs to hit.
If you say "You don't need to hit" it's in the range of telling someone
something doesn't hurt, or they're not hungry.
<<DH wants a specific
punishment...either a time out or being sent to his room (neither of which
really
works as it turns into a power struggle with Jason running around to prove
that we can't
make him - which *really* pushes dh's buttons. Not fun).>>
Instead of time out, maybe consider a walk (or a jog) with one of the
parents. Get hiim away from his brother, out of the house, maybe even out of
the yard or neighborhood, and when the adrenaline is out and he's once again
NOT in the irritating presence of the usurper (firstborns will know what I
mean), he will be his best self again and can express to a sympathetic parent
how he's feeling.
If IN the presence of his "replacement," he is told he is BAD and WRONG to
resent the new kid, and that the new kid's rights are far greater than HIS
badboy oldest child rights, things will probably get worse before they get
better.
<<But then it is also unfair to Jason to
let Kyle get his way all the time just because he is the baby. SO then I get
into
making the call again.>>
If they have favorite shows, make sure each knows the other wants to watch
whatever that is.
Between and around those, help them negotiate case by case.
What we do with computers is whoever's on can stay on until he's done, but
there are occasional exceptions. Sometimes someone just needs to check
e-mail. An e-mail check made on request should be really brief, not over
fifteen minutes, and that's worked out well.
When one of the boys didn't want to let Holly have a turn, I would remind
them that her sessions never lasted as long as theirs, that she's little and
gets bored, and that made them more willing to let her on.
If she was NOT getting bored and I had kinda promised the boys she would, I
would either find something truly good to distract the boy, or I would find
something truly better to lure Holly away.
Telling them what they should want and that they should have had enough and
that they should give someone else a chance cansometimes sound like just
nagging. Sometimes I do just nag. <g> but it has always worked better when
I appeal to their higher selves, and when I use REAL needs in the house or
real opportunities to be with one kid or another to give them something more
attractive than waiting for or wrangling computers away from each other.
When the baby's asleep, remind the older one to grab the computer, too.
Lately I tell Marty it's noble of him to let me or his sister on, because
when we go to sleep at night he has it all to himself.
The difference between him feeling noble and feeling mistreated is prety
profound. <bwg>
The difference between me praising his nobility and me shaming him for being
selfish goes right off the charts.
Sandra
~~~~ Don't forget! If you change topics, change the subject line! ~~~~
If you have questions, concerns or problems with this list, please email the moderator, Joyce Fetteroll (fetteroll@...), or the list owner, Helen Hegener (HEM-Editor@...).
To unsubscribe from this group, click on the following link or address an email to:
[email protected]
Visit the Unschooling website: http://www.unschooling.com
Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service.
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I wish I would have known about these 10 yrs ago! I supposed there are books out there, but I just didn't know what to look for.
Sandra, is this going to be part of your book? If not someone should write it!
OK, there's my way to make a living and my husband can then stay home with us!!<g>
Take Care, Kelli
SandraDodd@... wrote:
In a message dated 9/30/02 11:01:20 PM, stephanie.elms@...
writes:
<< If I physically remove Jason (which is
what I usually do) he starts crying about how I hurt him and putting it all
back on
me). >>
I would remove the little one rather than the big one, and in a calm and
light tone of voice, say something like "Oooh, it's dangerous here, let's go
feed the cat" or something, and let the older one calm down.
Removing the agressor is harder and less peaceful sometimes.
When I was teaching, one of the older and male teachers told me, after I had
successfully broken up a fight between 15 year old boys, that I could have
been badly hurt, and the next time I should grab the loser, because he WANTS
to be rescued, and they both save face if you remove the victim. If you
remove the agressor you risk being hurt, for one thing. And the dynamics are
worse for participants and viewers. Some of that applies at home too.
-=-If I try to talk with him about what he did and how it made Kyle feel, he
tunes
me out (very obviously...which also pushes my buttons). -=-
Then ask him how he felt instead of telling him how you think it made Kyle
feel. Ask him calmly and sweetly. Make him an ally, not an enemy. Tell
him you want the house to be safe and comfortable for everyone there, and
what can you do so that he's not being so frustrated he needs to hit.
If you say "You don't need to hit" it's in the range of telling someone
something doesn't hurt, or they're not hungry.
<<DH wants a specific
punishment...either a time out or being sent to his room (neither of which
really
works as it turns into a power struggle with Jason running around to prove
that we can't
make him - which *really* pushes dh's buttons. Not fun).>>
Instead of time out, maybe consider a walk (or a jog) with one of the
parents. Get hiim away from his brother, out of the house, maybe even out of
the yard or neighborhood, and when the adrenaline is out and he's once again
NOT in the irritating presence of the usurper (firstborns will know what I
mean), he will be his best self again and can express to a sympathetic parent
how he's feeling.
If IN the presence of his "replacement," he is told he is BAD and WRONG to
resent the new kid, and that the new kid's rights are far greater than HIS
badboy oldest child rights, things will probably get worse before they get
better.
<<But then it is also unfair to Jason to
let Kyle get his way all the time just because he is the baby. SO then I get
into
making the call again.>>
If they have favorite shows, make sure each knows the other wants to watch
whatever that is.
Between and around those, help them negotiate case by case.
What we do with computers is whoever's on can stay on until he's done, but
there are occasional exceptions. Sometimes someone just needs to check
e-mail. An e-mail check made on request should be really brief, not over
fifteen minutes, and that's worked out well.
When one of the boys didn't want to let Holly have a turn, I would remind
them that her sessions never lasted as long as theirs, that she's little and
gets bored, and that made them more willing to let her on.
If she was NOT getting bored and I had kinda promised the boys she would, I
would either find something truly good to distract the boy, or I would find
something truly better to lure Holly away.
Telling them what they should want and that they should have had enough and
that they should give someone else a chance cansometimes sound like just
nagging. Sometimes I do just nag. <g> but it has always worked better when
I appeal to their higher selves, and when I use REAL needs in the house or
real opportunities to be with one kid or another to give them something more
attractive than waiting for or wrangling computers away from each other.
When the baby's asleep, remind the older one to grab the computer, too.
Lately I tell Marty it's noble of him to let me or his sister on, because
when we go to sleep at night he has it all to himself.
The difference between him feeling noble and feeling mistreated is prety
profound. <bwg>
The difference between me praising his nobility and me shaming him for being
selfish goes right off the charts.
Sandra
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In a message dated 10/1/02 7:14:54 AM, kellitraas@... writes:
<< Sandra, is this going to be part of your book? >>
Uh... yeah!
I marked your e-mail (which quoted mine) "save for a book" and it's on my
computer now. <g>
Sandra
<< Sandra, is this going to be part of your book? >>
Uh... yeah!
I marked your e-mail (which quoted mine) "save for a book" and it's on my
computer now. <g>
Sandra
Betsy
**Dh is very sensitive to this, as he
was the youngest of two boys and his older brother picked on him.**
Maybe, at a calm time, your dh could tell your eldest stories about what
it feels like to be the youngest and to get hit? Maybe that type of
story could get past the "tuning out" response.
And it's important that your husband control his emotional responses and
recognize that your eldest is his own (cruel) brother reincarnated to
torment him. (I'm exaggerating to make a point.)
Betsy
was the youngest of two boys and his older brother picked on him.**
Maybe, at a calm time, your dh could tell your eldest stories about what
it feels like to be the youngest and to get hit? Maybe that type of
story could get past the "tuning out" response.
And it's important that your husband control his emotional responses and
recognize that your eldest is his own (cruel) brother reincarnated to
torment him. (I'm exaggerating to make a point.)
Betsy
MO Milligans
At 01:00 AM 10/1/02 -0400, you wrote:
For the computer sharing, how about using a timer so that they get equal
time? As for the hitting, I would just separate them for a time. I know
time-outs worked for us, but that they don't work for everyone. Good luck! :)
Todd
"Despite the high cost of living
it's still extremely popular!"
http://rambleman.tripod.com/index.html
>Anyway...just looking for some input, hoping to get some insight or to be==
>able to see things
>in a different way. Thanks
>
>Stephanie E.
For the computer sharing, how about using a timer so that they get equal
time? As for the hitting, I would just separate them for a time. I know
time-outs worked for us, but that they don't work for everyone. Good luck! :)
Todd
"Despite the high cost of living
it's still extremely popular!"
http://rambleman.tripod.com/index.html
[email protected]
In a message dated 10/1/02 9:44:41 AM, Ozarkren@... writes:
<< For the computer sharing, how about using a timer so that they get equal
time? >>
That would never have worked here, because one has always been way more
involved in something that actually takes longer, while another might just
have one or two things to do. If you one kid has an hour and he's DONE, he
might not be willing to relinquish "his" remaining time.
I think like with letting them decide what and how much to eat, letting them
know what "I'm done" feels like is good too. If they have measured amounts
and times they will feel more pressured and needy than if they know when it
IS their turn they can stay on as long as they want to, and sometimes that
might still be just five minutes.
Sandra
<< For the computer sharing, how about using a timer so that they get equal
time? >>
That would never have worked here, because one has always been way more
involved in something that actually takes longer, while another might just
have one or two things to do. If you one kid has an hour and he's DONE, he
might not be willing to relinquish "his" remaining time.
I think like with letting them decide what and how much to eat, letting them
know what "I'm done" feels like is good too. If they have measured amounts
and times they will feel more pressured and needy than if they know when it
IS their turn they can stay on as long as they want to, and sometimes that
might still be just five minutes.
Sandra
Betsy
Oops! I meant to say "is NOT his own cruel brother... "
Hope that makes more sense!
**
And it's important that your husband control his emotional responses and
recognize that your eldest is his own (cruel) brother reincarnated to
torment him. (I'm exaggerating to make a point.)**
Hope that makes more sense!
**
And it's important that your husband control his emotional responses and
recognize that your eldest is his own (cruel) brother reincarnated to
torment him. (I'm exaggerating to make a point.)**
Mary Bianco
>From: SandraDodd@...<<I think like with letting them decide what and how much to eat, letting
them
know what "I'm done" feels like is good too. If they have measured amounts
and times they will feel more pressured and needy than if they know when it
IS their turn they can stay on as long as they want to, and sometimes that
might still be just five minutes.>>
Definitely agree on this one too. My daughter spends much more time on the
computer than my son. But he spends more time on his puter just doing
programs we buy. He has no internet access. He decides much more what they
watch because she doesn't care and when she wants to watch something else at
the same time, we have more than one TV. Generally though, within 10
minutes, I find both of them in the same room again!!!
Mary B
_________________________________________________________________
Chat with friends online, try MSN Messenger: http://messenger.msn.com
Heather Woodward
Removing the agressor is harder and less peaceful sometimes.
When I was teaching, one of the older and male teachers told me, after I had
successfully broken up a fight between 15 year old boys, that I could have
been badly hurt, and the next time I should grab the loser, because he WANTS
to be rescued, and they both save face if you remove the victim. If you
remove the agressor you risk being hurt, for one thing. And the dynamics are
worse for participants and viewers. Some of that applies at home too
I may be a bit late here - but when I read this question and answer I thought what a great idea - For one it actually gives attention to the "victim" which can be a positive motivator for better behavior in the future. Also, I can see how if I were to do this with my own children 8,4, &3, it would cause less stress on my part - and less yelling or fighting on their part.
Sandra, I always appreciate what you have to say on these parenting issues. It may seem so logical, but also knowing that you are on the other side of some of these issues and can speak for what has worked for you is very helpful for those of us still on the beginning of the journey ;-) and you always sound like a very patient, loving mom. Did you ever scream and want to pull your hair out??
Heather
When I was teaching, one of the older and male teachers told me, after I had
successfully broken up a fight between 15 year old boys, that I could have
been badly hurt, and the next time I should grab the loser, because he WANTS
to be rescued, and they both save face if you remove the victim. If you
remove the agressor you risk being hurt, for one thing. And the dynamics are
worse for participants and viewers. Some of that applies at home too
I may be a bit late here - but when I read this question and answer I thought what a great idea - For one it actually gives attention to the "victim" which can be a positive motivator for better behavior in the future. Also, I can see how if I were to do this with my own children 8,4, &3, it would cause less stress on my part - and less yelling or fighting on their part.
Sandra, I always appreciate what you have to say on these parenting issues. It may seem so logical, but also knowing that you are on the other side of some of these issues and can speak for what has worked for you is very helpful for those of us still on the beginning of the journey ;-) and you always sound like a very patient, loving mom. Did you ever scream and want to pull your hair out??
Heather
----- Original Message -----
From: SandraDodd@...
To: [email protected]
Sent: Tuesday, October 01, 2002 8:47 AM
Subject: Re: [Unschooling-dotcom] How would you handle these situations...
In a message dated 9/30/02 11:01:20 PM, stephanie.elms@...
writes:
<< If I physically remove Jason (which is
what I usually do) he starts crying about how I hurt him and putting it all
back on
me). >>
I would remove the little one rather than the big one, and in a calm and
light tone of voice, say something like "Oooh, it's dangerous here, let's go
feed the cat" or something, and let the older one calm down.
Removing the agressor is harder and less peaceful sometimes.
When I was teaching, one of the older and male teachers told me, after I had
successfully broken up a fight between 15 year old boys, that I could have
been badly hurt, and the next time I should grab the loser, because he WANTS
to be rescued, and they both save face if you remove the victim. If you
remove the agressor you risk being hurt, for one thing. And the dynamics are
worse for participants and viewers. Some of that applies at home too.
-=-If I try to talk with him about what he did and how it made Kyle feel, he
tunes
me out (very obviously...which also pushes my buttons). -=-
Then ask him how he felt instead of telling him how you think it made Kyle
feel. Ask him calmly and sweetly. Make him an ally, not an enemy. Tell
him you want the house to be safe and comfortable for everyone there, and
what can you do so that he's not being so frustrated he needs to hit.
If you say "You don't need to hit" it's in the range of telling someone
something doesn't hurt, or they're not hungry.
<<DH wants a specific
punishment...either a time out or being sent to his room (neither of which
really
works as it turns into a power struggle with Jason running around to prove
that we can't
make him - which *really* pushes dh's buttons. Not fun).>>
Instead of time out, maybe consider a walk (or a jog) with one of the
parents. Get hiim away from his brother, out of the house, maybe even out of
the yard or neighborhood, and when the adrenaline is out and he's once again
NOT in the irritating presence of the usurper (firstborns will know what I
mean), he will be his best self again and can express to a sympathetic parent
how he's feeling.
If IN the presence of his "replacement," he is told he is BAD and WRONG to
resent the new kid, and that the new kid's rights are far greater than HIS
badboy oldest child rights, things will probably get worse before they get
better.
<<But then it is also unfair to Jason to
let Kyle get his way all the time just because he is the baby. SO then I get
into
making the call again.>>
If they have favorite shows, make sure each knows the other wants to watch
whatever that is.
Between and around those, help them negotiate case by case.
What we do with computers is whoever's on can stay on until he's done, but
there are occasional exceptions. Sometimes someone just needs to check
e-mail. An e-mail check made on request should be really brief, not over
fifteen minutes, and that's worked out well.
When one of the boys didn't want to let Holly have a turn, I would remind
them that her sessions never lasted as long as theirs, that she's little and
gets bored, and that made them more willing to let her on.
If she was NOT getting bored and I had kinda promised the boys she would, I
would either find something truly good to distract the boy, or I would find
something truly better to lure Holly away.
Telling them what they should want and that they should have had enough and
that they should give someone else a chance cansometimes sound like just
nagging. Sometimes I do just nag. <g> but it has always worked better when
I appeal to their higher selves, and when I use REAL needs in the house or
real opportunities to be with one kid or another to give them something more
attractive than waiting for or wrangling computers away from each other.
When the baby's asleep, remind the older one to grab the computer, too.
Lately I tell Marty it's noble of him to let me or his sister on, because
when we go to sleep at night he has it all to himself.
The difference between him feeling noble and feeling mistreated is prety
profound. <bwg>
The difference between me praising his nobility and me shaming him for being
selfish goes right off the charts.
Sandra
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Stephanie Elms
>I've done this sometimes...it works when the hitting is because Kyle is
> I would remove the little one rather than the big one, and in
> a calm and
> light tone of voice, say something like "Oooh, it's dangerous
> here, let's go
> feed the cat" or something, and let the older one calm down.
>
> Removing the agressor is harder and less peaceful sometimes.
bugging Jason. Other times Jason has followed us and kept trying to hit.
Guess the "why" was for attention...now that I think about it, I probably
should have changed tacts and tried to see what was really bothering him.
> Then ask him how he felt instead of telling him how you thinkI have been trying to keep this in mind...I really am on his side and I have
> it made Kyle
> feel. Ask him calmly and sweetly. Make him an ally, not an
> enemy. Tell
> him you want the house to be safe and comfortable for
> everyone there, and
> what can you do so that he's not being so frustrated he needs to hit.
been trying to parent this way. I have asked him for some suggestions before
and gotten the infamous "I don't know". We have talked about hitting other
inanimate objects like pillows (they are too soft) or arms of couches (that
won't work because it has to have skin and bones LOL!).
>I am usually pretty good about this as it is a pet peeve of mine. I try to stay
> If you say "You don't need to hit" it's in the range of
> telling someone
> something doesn't hurt, or they're not hungry.
away from telling him that he does or does not feel a certain way (other then
to ask questions about how he is feeling).
> Instead of time out, maybe consider a walk (or a jog) with one of theHeHeHe. I am a firstborn so we have the bases covered here (dh is a second
> parents. Get hiim away from his brother, out of the house,
> maybe even out of
> the yard or neighborhood, and when the adrenaline is out and
> he's once again
> NOT in the irritating presence of the usurper (firstborns
> will know what I
> mean), he will be his best self again and can express to a
> sympathetic parent
> how he's feeling.
born). One of the things that has helped is that I talk about how I sometimes
resented my little brother. That I used to hit him, but learned other ways
as I got older.
>Nope that is actually one thing that I have done right. :o) I have
> If IN the presence of his "replacement," he is told he is BAD
> and WRONG to
> resent the new kid, and that the new kid's rights are far
> greater than HIS
> badboy oldest child rights, things will probably get worse
> before they get
> better.
always been open to his feelings about Kyle and let him know that
it is ok to not always like him. I also talk about how I didn't like
all the time my little brother took when he was born. He has told me
many things that he does not like about Kyle. The funny thing is that
one time I was asking him if he wanted another little sister or brother
(we are just about sure we are done, but I wanted to get his take on
it). He said no, Kyle is enough. I then asked him if he would rather
have mommy and daddy to himself and he said no, that he liked having
Kyle around. And I believe him...Kyle is a built-in playmate and Jason
loves to have someone to play with.
> If they have favorite shows, make sure each knows the otherWe have TIVO, so all favorite shows are available at all times.
> wants to watch
> whatever that is.
>Yeah, they seem pretty good with alternating shows. Sometimes I will
> Between and around those, help them negotiate case by case.
point out how cranky Kyle (usually in the evenings) and that it
might help him calm down to be able to watch his shows. Works sometimes.
Jason has also recently begun to "sell" a show to Kyle..."hey Kyle...
do you want to watch junkyard wars, they crash up neat cars". Kyle is
actually very agreeable if you ask first, but if you just try to change
the show he digs in. Guess that will teach itself.
>Ok. This is pretty much what I have been doing. Guess I just wanted
> What we do with computers is whoever's on can stay on until
> he's done, but
> there are occasional exceptions. Sometimes someone just
> needs to check
> e-mail. An e-mail check made on request should be really
> brief, not over
> fifteen minutes, and that's worked out well.
>
> When one of the boys didn't want to let Holly have a turn, I
> would remind
> them that her sessions never lasted as long as theirs, that
> she's little and
> gets bored, and that made them more willing to let her on.
>
> If she was NOT getting bored and I had kinda promised the
> boys she would, I
> would either find something truly good to distract the boy,
> or I would find
> something truly better to lure Holly away.
to hear that it works!
> Telling them what they should want and that they should haveYeah...it just takes longer LOL! I have been seeing the more that I let
> had enough and
> that they should give someone else a chance cansometimes
> sound like just
> nagging. Sometimes I do just nag. <g> but it has always
> worked better when
> I appeal to their higher selves, and when I use REAL needs in
> the house or
> real opportunities to be with one kid or another to give them
> something more
> attractive than waiting for or wrangling computers away from
> each other.
Jason decide, the easier it is for him to decide to stop.
>Ahhh no such luck! Kyle has for all intents and purposes given up his naps.
> When the baby's asleep, remind the older one to grab the
> computer, too.
> Lately I tell Marty it's noble of him to let me or his sisterYes! I need to be more mindful of this. Thanks. I just think that I needed
> on, because
> when we go to sleep at night he has it all to himself.
>
> The difference between him feeling noble and feeling
> mistreated is prety
> profound. <bwg>
> The difference between me praising his nobility and me
> shaming him for being
> selfish goes right off the charts.
someone to tell me that I did not have to "crack down" on this behavior.
It is interesting...even my most gentle-discipline AP friends seem to
resort to punishments when it comes to hitting. Don't get me wrong...I don't
make excuses for him hitting, but I also don't want to treat him like he is a
bad kid because he is not.
Thanks for the food for thought.....
Stephanie E.
Stephanie Elms
> And it's important that your husband control his emotionalYes. I have been talking with dh about this. He and his brother are not
> responses and
> recognize that your eldest is not his own (cruel) brother reincarnated to
> torment him. (I'm exaggerating to make a point.)
overly close (they are as different as night and day) and I know that
he was picked on. I do think that Jason's and Kyle's relationship
is going to be different, as Kyle is not as introverted as dh is and
Jason really craves having someone to play with at all times, which
makes having Kyle (especially as he gets older) much more palatable. ;o)
Stephanie E.
[email protected]
In a message dated 10/1/02 10:31:07 PM, bacwoodz@... writes:
<< Sandra, I always appreciate what you have to say on these parenting
issues. It may seem so logical, but also knowing that you are on the other
side of some of these issues and can speak for what has worked for you is
very helpful for those of us still on the beginning of the journey ;-) >>
Thanks.
That one about extricating the victim is courtesy of Louie Sanchez, who was
my 9th grade science teacher and later a co-worker. And a dad, too.
<<and you always sound like a very patient, loving mom. Did you ever scream
and want to pull your hair out??>>
I'm not always patient, but I've worked on it consciously the whole time I've
had kids.
I was just pretty grumpy Sunday, with Marty and a couple of his friends. I
hadn't been that mad at Marty for a long time, but within fifteen or twenty
minutes we were joking about it (gently), and reminding each other we really
liked each other.
They left without telling us, and left the younger brother (8 or 9?) of one
of the boys. We had words with each of them (my husband and I), in front of
the others mostly--Marty for being a neglectful host, the boy's brother for
not taking care of his own brother, and the third kid for being the oldest
and not being a better influence and more responsible.
We didn't insult their being. They didn't defend their irresponsibility.
Nobody was crushed or scared.
Here's an account of me swatting a little kid (yikes...):
http://sandradodd.com/zeneverything
Sometimes I do yell. Usually at Kirby, I think. But not much and I catch
myself and try to gracefully retreat into loving humor, and if I can't do
that, I try to just shut up and get away from the conversation until I can
state my concern calmly.
I think I would probably have been a pretty strident and inflexible mom
(following some family tradition, if I hadn't stepped away from it
consciously) if it hadn't been for Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings and
La Leche League. They really changed my attitude enough that I was able to
listen to other and see with my own eyes instead of the eyes assigned to me
by tradition/habit/inheritance.
Sandra
Sandra
<< Sandra, I always appreciate what you have to say on these parenting
issues. It may seem so logical, but also knowing that you are on the other
side of some of these issues and can speak for what has worked for you is
very helpful for those of us still on the beginning of the journey ;-) >>
Thanks.
That one about extricating the victim is courtesy of Louie Sanchez, who was
my 9th grade science teacher and later a co-worker. And a dad, too.
<<and you always sound like a very patient, loving mom. Did you ever scream
and want to pull your hair out??>>
I'm not always patient, but I've worked on it consciously the whole time I've
had kids.
I was just pretty grumpy Sunday, with Marty and a couple of his friends. I
hadn't been that mad at Marty for a long time, but within fifteen or twenty
minutes we were joking about it (gently), and reminding each other we really
liked each other.
They left without telling us, and left the younger brother (8 or 9?) of one
of the boys. We had words with each of them (my husband and I), in front of
the others mostly--Marty for being a neglectful host, the boy's brother for
not taking care of his own brother, and the third kid for being the oldest
and not being a better influence and more responsible.
We didn't insult their being. They didn't defend their irresponsibility.
Nobody was crushed or scared.
Here's an account of me swatting a little kid (yikes...):
http://sandradodd.com/zeneverything
Sometimes I do yell. Usually at Kirby, I think. But not much and I catch
myself and try to gracefully retreat into loving humor, and if I can't do
that, I try to just shut up and get away from the conversation until I can
state my concern calmly.
I think I would probably have been a pretty strident and inflexible mom
(following some family tradition, if I hadn't stepped away from it
consciously) if it hadn't been for Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings and
La Leche League. They really changed my attitude enough that I was able to
listen to other and see with my own eyes instead of the eyes assigned to me
by tradition/habit/inheritance.
Sandra
Sandra
[email protected]
In a message dated 10/1/02 10:33:30 PM, stephanie.elms@...
writes:
<< I have asked him for some suggestions before
and gotten the infamous "I don't know". >>
I'm sure he's telling the truth.
Then you might guess. "Is it because you miss being the only one?"
"Do you wish you were little again?"
And maybe you can hold him and rock him, if he'll let you, and tell him
stories about how you used to smell his head, and rock him to sleep, and
remind him of the glory days. <G>
Sandra
writes:
<< I have asked him for some suggestions before
and gotten the infamous "I don't know". >>
I'm sure he's telling the truth.
Then you might guess. "Is it because you miss being the only one?"
"Do you wish you were little again?"
And maybe you can hold him and rock him, if he'll let you, and tell him
stories about how you used to smell his head, and rock him to sleep, and
remind him of the glory days. <G>
Sandra
Stephanie Elms
>Actually I am sure too...but the "I don't know" is usually when I ask him for
> I'm sure he's telling the truth.
ideas of what we can do in the future to _________ (not hit, etc). So do I
just let it go? Do I suggest things?
> Then you might guess. "Is it because you miss being the only one?"He loves when I talk with him about being a baby or younger. Especially hearing about
> "Do you wish you were little again?"
>
> And maybe you can hold him and rock him, if he'll let you,
> and tell him
> stories about how you used to smell his head, and rock him to
> sleep, and
> remind him of the glory days. <G>
how he used to do all the things that Kyle does that bug him. :o) Or about hearing
about how much he has grown up. Or just about how much we used to cuddle and nurse. :o)
Stephanie E.
Kelli Traaseth
Sandra, Thank you for this, I had similar evenings when my two oldest were 3 and 1 1/2. When our rational sides of us meet our unrational/emotional side. Or, when we take a step back and say I can't believe I did that!
Aren't kids amazing?
Take Care,
Kelli
Here's an account of me swatting a little kid (yikes...):
http://sandradodd.com/zeneverything
SandraDodd@... wrote:
In a message dated 10/1/02 10:31:07 PM, bacwoodz@... writes:
<< Sandra, I always appreciate what you have to say on these parenting
issues. It may seem so logical, but also knowing that you are on the other
side of some of these issues and can speak for what has worked for you is
very helpful for those of us still on the beginning of the journey ;-) >>
Thanks.
That one about extricating the victim is courtesy of Louie Sanchez, who was
my 9th grade science teacher and later a co-worker. And a dad, too.
<<and you always sound like a very patient, loving mom. Did you ever scream
and want to pull your hair out??>>
I'm not always patient, but I've worked on it consciously the whole time I've
had kids.
I was just pretty grumpy Sunday, with Marty and a couple of his friends. I
hadn't been that mad at Marty for a long time, but within fifteen or twenty
minutes we were joking about it (gently), and reminding each other we really
liked each other.
They left without telling us, and left the younger brother (8 or 9?) of one
of the boys. We had words with each of them (my husband and I), in front of
the others mostly--Marty for being a neglectful host, the boy's brother for
not taking care of his own brother, and the third kid for being the oldest
and not being a better influence and more responsible.
We didn't insult their being. They didn't defend their irresponsibility.
Nobody was crushed or scared.
Here's an account of me swatting a little kid (yikes...):
http://sandradodd.com/zeneverything
Sometimes I do yell. Usually at Kirby, I think. But not much and I catch
myself and try to gracefully retreat into loving humor, and if I can't do
that, I try to just shut up and get away from the conversation until I can
state my concern calmly.
I think I would probably have been a pretty strident and inflexible mom
(following some family tradition, if I hadn't stepped away from it
consciously) if it hadn't been for Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings and
La Leche League. They really changed my attitude enough that I was able to
listen to other and see with my own eyes instead of the eyes assigned to me
by tradition/habit/inheritance.
Sandra
Sandra
Yahoo! Groups SponsorADVERTISEMENT
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Aren't kids amazing?
Take Care,
Kelli
Here's an account of me swatting a little kid (yikes...):
http://sandradodd.com/zeneverything
SandraDodd@... wrote:
In a message dated 10/1/02 10:31:07 PM, bacwoodz@... writes:
<< Sandra, I always appreciate what you have to say on these parenting
issues. It may seem so logical, but also knowing that you are on the other
side of some of these issues and can speak for what has worked for you is
very helpful for those of us still on the beginning of the journey ;-) >>
Thanks.
That one about extricating the victim is courtesy of Louie Sanchez, who was
my 9th grade science teacher and later a co-worker. And a dad, too.
<<and you always sound like a very patient, loving mom. Did you ever scream
and want to pull your hair out??>>
I'm not always patient, but I've worked on it consciously the whole time I've
had kids.
I was just pretty grumpy Sunday, with Marty and a couple of his friends. I
hadn't been that mad at Marty for a long time, but within fifteen or twenty
minutes we were joking about it (gently), and reminding each other we really
liked each other.
They left without telling us, and left the younger brother (8 or 9?) of one
of the boys. We had words with each of them (my husband and I), in front of
the others mostly--Marty for being a neglectful host, the boy's brother for
not taking care of his own brother, and the third kid for being the oldest
and not being a better influence and more responsible.
We didn't insult their being. They didn't defend their irresponsibility.
Nobody was crushed or scared.
Here's an account of me swatting a little kid (yikes...):
http://sandradodd.com/zeneverything
Sometimes I do yell. Usually at Kirby, I think. But not much and I catch
myself and try to gracefully retreat into loving humor, and if I can't do
that, I try to just shut up and get away from the conversation until I can
state my concern calmly.
I think I would probably have been a pretty strident and inflexible mom
(following some family tradition, if I hadn't stepped away from it
consciously) if it hadn't been for Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings and
La Leche League. They really changed my attitude enough that I was able to
listen to other and see with my own eyes instead of the eyes assigned to me
by tradition/habit/inheritance.
Sandra
Sandra
Yahoo! Groups SponsorADVERTISEMENT
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Visit the Unschooling website: http://www.unschooling.com
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