curfews
Mary Bianco
Well, all the yes/no trust/respect know your kids issue has me actually
thinking about lifting my daughters curfew. I said thinking about it, but
hey, it's a start from my comfort zone, right?
Mary B
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thinking about lifting my daughters curfew. I said thinking about it, but
hey, it's a start from my comfort zone, right?
Mary B
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Vicki A. Dennis
Invest in a cellphone! It will help make it more comfortable. There are not "constant" curfews at our house but folks of whatever age do check in when there is a change of plans. AND it helps this neurotic mommy when it gets dark outside and the news is broadcasting about traffic accidents or bad weather! Helps to hear their voice reminding me that they will indeed exercise good judgment both in their driving and their choice of activities.
vicki
vicki
----- Original Message -----
From: Mary Bianco
thinking about lifting my daughters curfew. I said thinking about it, but
hey, it's a start from my comfort zone, right?
Mary B
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Gerard Westenberg
<has me actually thinking about lifting my daughters curfew. I said thinking about it, >
Mary, fwiw, I grew up in a single parent home, without any curfews or limits. I could go where I liked, come home when I wanted, and so on. Funny thing though - I went to a girls' school and all the other girls had limits and curfews from their parents. THEY were the ones hanging out at nightclubs and staying out over curfew and trying drugs. I was the one who used to go home at reasonable times and felt responsible for myself and to my mum, so wouldn't get into any of the drug stuff. I respected myself and my mum and my ability to make good decisions, too much to get into things I didn't want to...I'm not saying your dd is getting into situations like this, since she has a curfew. Just pointing out how having no curfew worked positively for me...So much so, that dh and I do the same with our older three older boys ( teens). We just want to know where they are so we can contact them if anything comes up. But they'd tell us anyway - they know we are interested in their doings...They choose their home times and are pretty reasonable people...They have moblie phones, too, so we know they can phone us if they need to...Leonie W.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Mary, fwiw, I grew up in a single parent home, without any curfews or limits. I could go where I liked, come home when I wanted, and so on. Funny thing though - I went to a girls' school and all the other girls had limits and curfews from their parents. THEY were the ones hanging out at nightclubs and staying out over curfew and trying drugs. I was the one who used to go home at reasonable times and felt responsible for myself and to my mum, so wouldn't get into any of the drug stuff. I respected myself and my mum and my ability to make good decisions, too much to get into things I didn't want to...I'm not saying your dd is getting into situations like this, since she has a curfew. Just pointing out how having no curfew worked positively for me...So much so, that dh and I do the same with our older three older boys ( teens). We just want to know where they are so we can contact them if anything comes up. But they'd tell us anyway - they know we are interested in their doings...They choose their home times and are pretty reasonable people...They have moblie phones, too, so we know they can phone us if they need to...Leonie W.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Fetteroll
on 9/9/02 10:34 PM, Mary Bianco at mummyone24@... wrote:
how to let go and build a relationship with your teen. The basic idea is
that since teenhood is the period designed for pulling away, the more we try
to control, the harder they pull away. She advises not to do anything that
doesn't enhance your relationship with your teen. It's an excellent book.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0452266165/qid=1031644212/sr=8
-1/ref=sr_8_1/103-1225101-4929446?v=glance&s=books&n=507846
Joyce
> Well, all the yes/no trust/respect know your kids issue has me actuallyHave you read Parent/Teen Breakthrough by Mira Kirshenbaum? It's all about
> thinking about lifting my daughters curfew. I said thinking about it, but
> hey, it's a start from my comfort zone, right?
how to let go and build a relationship with your teen. The basic idea is
that since teenhood is the period designed for pulling away, the more we try
to control, the harder they pull away. She advises not to do anything that
doesn't enhance your relationship with your teen. It's an excellent book.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0452266165/qid=1031644212/sr=8
-1/ref=sr_8_1/103-1225101-4929446?v=glance&s=books&n=507846
Joyce
se
>Well, all the yes/no trust/respect know your kids issue has me actuallyWhen my teenagers started going out at night beyond just a movie we asked
>thinking about lifting my daughters curfew. I said thinking about it, but
>hey, it's a start from my comfort zone, right?
>
>Mary B
>
them to be home by midnight. Gradually that deadline just melted away. My
teens are all boys. As others have posted, getting a cell phone has
allowed us to feel that we can reach them (yes the 15 year old sometimes
turns it off) but so far so good, they are always in bed asleep when I get
up in the morning:)
My experience over the last year is that even as an unschooling family,
teenagers will definitely cause parents to climb a steep growth curve and
have to reevalute their comfort zone frequently:) I have also found that
although mainstream society and media would have us think otherwise, they
are lots of fun and can even be good adult company sometimes.
Susanna Eve now mother to 3 teenagers
Mary Bianco
>From: "Vicki A. Dennis" <mamaxaos@...>My daughter has had a cellphone for years now and does use it to call me if
>
>Invest in a cellphone!
there's any problem or she wants to stay out a half hour later, etc. She's
real good about her curfew, has only been late once and most times is in
before her time. I guess I'm just afraid if given the opportunity, she'd
stay out all night. Don't forget, this one is a school kid and as much as I
tried to raise her the same as the others, (not literally the exact same for
clarification purposes) peer pressure is a bitch.
Mary B
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zenmomma *
>>My experience over the last year is that even as an unschooling family,My oldest is just 13. This is good for me to hear and remember.
>>teenagers will definitely cause parents to climb a steep growth curve and
>>have to reevalute their comfort zone frequently:) >>
>>I have also found that although mainstream society and media would have usYES! I hate when people offer sympathy at my now having a teenager. I think
>>think otherwise, they are lots of fun and can even be good adult company
>>sometimes.>>
he's just as fabulous as ever. (if somewhat stinkier <g>)
Life is good.
~Mary
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zenmomma *
>>I guess I'm just afraid if given the opportunity, she'd stay out alltried to raise her the same as the others, (not literally the exact same for
>>night. Don't forget, this one is a school kid and as much as I
clarification purposes) peer pressure is a bitch.>>
But she's already showing that she's a responsible, considerate kid. She
calls home to check in and comes home when you've asked her too. So she's
bucking a certain amount of peer pressure already if her friends are not so
agreeable to their folks. :o)
Life is good.
~Mary
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[email protected]
In a message dated 9/10/2002 9:23:25 AM Eastern Daylight Time,
aq389@... writes:
breakfast! ;-)
I never had a curfew (except the 9:00 thing <g>). I was always responsible.
We were asked to go into our parents' bedroom when we got home and
mumble,"I'm home."
Kelly
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
aq389@... writes:
> When my teenagers started going out at night beyond just a movie we askedMy dad used to tell my dates to have me home by 9:00---just in time for
> them to be home by midnight.
breakfast! ;-)
I never had a curfew (except the 9:00 thing <g>). I was always responsible.
We were asked to go into our parents' bedroom when we got home and
mumble,"I'm home."
Kelly
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Mary Bianco
>From: "zenmomma *" <zenmomma@...>us
>>I have also found that although mainstream society and media would have
> >>think otherwise, they are lots of fun and can even be good adult companyMy daughter Tara is quite the delightful teenager. Of course we have had our
> >>sometimes.>>
share, maybe more so of trying times but she is doing great now. I do enjoy
having her around as the whole family does. The baby screams "Tara's home"
whenever she hears the key in the door at 3:00 and goes running. Tara went
on a week long cruise with friends before school started and we all missed
her terrribly. The first night I just envisioned she was at a friends house
but the second night was reality. I couldn't wait for her to get home and
when she came home she hugged me so tight I thought I would burst. She made
me promise to never leave her again. (I wasn't the one that left!!!) She
said she was very homesick and although she had fun, she wouldn't do it
again.
She's the school kid in the family but I try very hard to raise her with the
unschooling values. (still learning) She attends many functions with our
homeschooling group by her choice and I never say no, you have to go to
school. I have had many compliments on her behavior, willingness to help and
tolerance with all the kids. I've had mom's who have daughters ask me how it
is that we seem so close and always seem to enjoy each other so much. It's
because we just do!!! They even have gone as far as to say they hope when
their daughter reaches that age, they will be like her and I are. It's nice
to hear.
Mary B
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Mary Bianco
>From: "zenmomma *" <zenmomma@...>You are right Mary, very right. It has been a very long time since she's
>But she's already showing that she's a responsible, considerate kid. She
>calls home to check in and comes home when you've asked her too. So she's
>bucking a certain amount of peer pressure already if her friends are not so
>agreeable to their folks. :o)
given me any reason to doubt her and her judgements. I guess my reluctance
to let go of the rules I have set upon her have to do with what has happened
in the past. I don't bring that up with her, but in my own way, I bring it
up after all. Although the curfew thing has never been a problem, it's what
she could be doing after hours that is on my mind. I'm to the point now
where I think she's gotten into all the trouble she could have already.
(okay not ALL) And she has proven herself and I think learned from her
mistakes. And she has never given me a fit about her curfew either. I just
think maybe lifting it will show her I respect her decisions more.
Mary B
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zenmomma *
>>Although the curfew thing has never been a problem, it's what she could beOh believe me (I <ahem> know from experience) that any trouble after
>>doing after hours that is on my mind.>>
midnight can easily be found before the curfew.
>>I'm to the point now where I think she's gotten into all the trouble sheSounds good to me. :o) It's nice to hear you got through the rough patch
>>could have already.(okay not ALL) And she has proven herself and I think
>>learned from her mistakes. And she has never given me a fit about her
>>curfew either. I just think maybe lifting it will show her I respect her
>>decisions more.>>
with your relationship intact.
Life is good.
~Mary
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Mary Bianco
>From: kbcdlovejo@...I never had a curfew at all either. Never abused it. But I also never did
>I never had a curfew (except the 9:00 thing <g>). I was always responsible.
>We were asked to go into our parents' bedroom when we got home and
>mumble,"I'm home."
what my daughter has at her age. Maybe that's why I'm so hesitant. I still
I'm going to try this thing this weekend........I think!!!
Mary B
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Mary Bianco
>From: "zenmomma *" <zenmomma@...>Once again you're right and I know that now and that's probably why I'm
>Oh believe me (I <ahem> know from experience) that any trouble after
>midnight can easily be found before the curfew.
>Sounds good to me. :o) It's nice to hear you got through the rough patch
>with your relationship intact.
thinking of changing. That and also all the talk on this list had me
thinking too. I guess I still worry about all the others out late at night
finding her. Namely her ex who is stalking her. But I guess I'll always have
something to worry about no matter how old she is. She will be out with her
boyfriend and I trust him very much and more importantly the two of them
together.
Mary B
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Leslie Avery
As you will be able to tell with this email I am hot!!
I have been unschooling for about 5 years without any
negativity from my husband, he has been okay with the
idea that out of all my children my youngest should
not go to school because of the way he learns. (None
of them go to school) If he were in school he would
be labeled ADD or ADHD. Which is one of the many
reasons he is home with me. My son has some anger
issues so sometimes he has a melt down not very often.
But he had one the other night and my husband
suggested medication. We have been down this road
with my 19year old who was on Ritalin for 5 years and
it turned him into a zombie. My husband has said we
should try something else, or maybe it is his diet of
biscuits, bacon, pizza, and chips. (He is less needy
when he picks out those items he wishes to eat and
does not show any negativity or aggressive behavior
after eating, I totally can relate to everything Ren
said about food). These things must be causing his
anger. Of course it has nothing to do with the fact
that my husband is only home late in the evening and
on the weekends and when he is home he either watches
TV or parents by control. Also since my son has been
born, we have moved three times and my husband has
lost his job 5 times. As the youngest he also has
more than 2 parents his brothers and sister tend to
parent. But of course NONE of those things have
anything to do with it. I need to also mention that
after a year my husband has gone off Zoloft, but will
not go back on or go to counseling.
Please help! Any thoughts, suggestions, or comments
would be appreciated I am at my wits end.
Leslie
Yahoo! - We Remember
9-11: A tribute to the more than 3,000 lives lost
http://dir.remember.yahoo.com/tribute
I have been unschooling for about 5 years without any
negativity from my husband, he has been okay with the
idea that out of all my children my youngest should
not go to school because of the way he learns. (None
of them go to school) If he were in school he would
be labeled ADD or ADHD. Which is one of the many
reasons he is home with me. My son has some anger
issues so sometimes he has a melt down not very often.
But he had one the other night and my husband
suggested medication. We have been down this road
with my 19year old who was on Ritalin for 5 years and
it turned him into a zombie. My husband has said we
should try something else, or maybe it is his diet of
biscuits, bacon, pizza, and chips. (He is less needy
when he picks out those items he wishes to eat and
does not show any negativity or aggressive behavior
after eating, I totally can relate to everything Ren
said about food). These things must be causing his
anger. Of course it has nothing to do with the fact
that my husband is only home late in the evening and
on the weekends and when he is home he either watches
TV or parents by control. Also since my son has been
born, we have moved three times and my husband has
lost his job 5 times. As the youngest he also has
more than 2 parents his brothers and sister tend to
parent. But of course NONE of those things have
anything to do with it. I need to also mention that
after a year my husband has gone off Zoloft, but will
not go back on or go to counseling.
Please help! Any thoughts, suggestions, or comments
would be appreciated I am at my wits end.
Leslie
>_________________________________________________________________
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http://dir.remember.yahoo.com/tribute
Mary Bianco
>From: Leslie Avery <ljbakavery@...>I can't even begin to imagine what this all must be like for you. I
>As you will be able to tell with this email I am hot!!
>Please help! Any thoughts, suggestions, or comments
>would be appreciated I am at my wits end.
sincerely think you need to start with you and your husband first. Sounds
like many problems stem from you two not being on the same level regarding
your children. If it were me, I would give no choice but to seek some type
of counseling for the two of you to be able to come to conclusions about
what is going on. Not sure what kind of counseling you would be comfortable
with as far as church or professional or whatever. But I would insist on it
to start with.
Sounds as if you are doing all you can right now concerning the kids and I'm
sure it must be hard with no support from your husband. Sorry I couldn't be
of more help.
Mary B
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Gerard Westenberg
<My son has some angerissues so sometimes he has a melt down not very often.But he had one the other night and my husbandsuggested medication>
Leslie, Your son sounds like one of my sons...He, too, has meltdowns...My dh loves the idea of unschooling and loves this son but does find some of ds's behaviour hard to understand...I think its easier for me, because I am with this son all the time...Anyway, what has really helped my dh *see* this son, and not his meltdown behaviour, has been books and videos - fiction. Stories often illustrate ideas and dh and I hav eread and seen things that I have been able to use as egs for this ds's differences The Ramona kids books are funny and incredably touching - dh *saw that it was not fair for Ramona to get into trouble ( nneed medication?) for her differences - and could apply this to our son...The movies October Sky and Stand and Deliver held other 'aha' moments...Leonie W.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Leslie, Your son sounds like one of my sons...He, too, has meltdowns...My dh loves the idea of unschooling and loves this son but does find some of ds's behaviour hard to understand...I think its easier for me, because I am with this son all the time...Anyway, what has really helped my dh *see* this son, and not his meltdown behaviour, has been books and videos - fiction. Stories often illustrate ideas and dh and I hav eread and seen things that I have been able to use as egs for this ds's differences The Ramona kids books are funny and incredably touching - dh *saw that it was not fair for Ramona to get into trouble ( nneed medication?) for her differences - and could apply this to our son...The movies October Sky and Stand and Deliver held other 'aha' moments...Leonie W.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
Mary, It sounds like there are two issues here that may not even be related!
Curfew
and
Trust
If she has done some things in the past that makes you not feel trustful,
that needs to be addressed seperately. A curfew is just an arbitrary time
that doesn't prevent anything "bad" from happening. I know for a fact that
kids have sex in the afternoon, smoke pot in the basement at 7:30 pm and
drink beer at the river while their parent's think they are at the Library
doing homework. My high school best friend had the earliest curfew of us all
(10:00 on weekends) and she packed it all into those early evening hours!
~Elissa Cleaveland
An unlesson'd girl, unschool'd, unpractic'd;
Happy in this, she is not so old
But she may learn.
W.S. The Merchant of Venice III, ii, 160
Curfew
and
Trust
If she has done some things in the past that makes you not feel trustful,
that needs to be addressed seperately. A curfew is just an arbitrary time
that doesn't prevent anything "bad" from happening. I know for a fact that
kids have sex in the afternoon, smoke pot in the basement at 7:30 pm and
drink beer at the river while their parent's think they are at the Library
doing homework. My high school best friend had the earliest curfew of us all
(10:00 on weekends) and she packed it all into those early evening hours!
~Elissa Cleaveland
An unlesson'd girl, unschool'd, unpractic'd;
Happy in this, she is not so old
But she may learn.
W.S. The Merchant of Venice III, ii, 160
Jon and Rue Kream
Hi Leslie - My husband takes something similar to Zoloft. After a couple of
years of problems with his dosage, etc., we came to an agreement that if *I*
say he needs to go to the doctor, change his meds, or increase his dose, he
does it with no argument, no discussion. The times when they need the meds
the most are the times that they are least likely to want to hear it, in our
experience. We came to this agreement when he was feeling well, though,
which made it much easier.
When we were initially having problems with angry behavior and it became
obvious that we needed help, I did tell him he HAD to do this in order to
keep our marriage together. It told him calmly, at a quiet time. It was
not a healthy environment for my kids, and it is my job to provide that.
Not fun, and I really feel for you. If he's been on it before, though, you
know the huge difference it makes, and we now live in a peaceful house. My
husband is a happy person - himself again - and just like his unhappiness
did, his happiness affects everything in our home.
You didn't say, but if your husband felt the Zoloft wasn't really making a
big difference, there are other medications that may work better for him.
We had to try two or three to find the one that worked out.
If you could convince your husband to talk to someone, Jon would be happy to
email with him about what he went through, and where he's at now. ~Rue
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
years of problems with his dosage, etc., we came to an agreement that if *I*
say he needs to go to the doctor, change his meds, or increase his dose, he
does it with no argument, no discussion. The times when they need the meds
the most are the times that they are least likely to want to hear it, in our
experience. We came to this agreement when he was feeling well, though,
which made it much easier.
When we were initially having problems with angry behavior and it became
obvious that we needed help, I did tell him he HAD to do this in order to
keep our marriage together. It told him calmly, at a quiet time. It was
not a healthy environment for my kids, and it is my job to provide that.
Not fun, and I really feel for you. If he's been on it before, though, you
know the huge difference it makes, and we now live in a peaceful house. My
husband is a happy person - himself again - and just like his unhappiness
did, his happiness affects everything in our home.
You didn't say, but if your husband felt the Zoloft wasn't really making a
big difference, there are other medications that may work better for him.
We had to try two or three to find the one that worked out.
If you could convince your husband to talk to someone, Jon would be happy to
email with him about what he went through, and where he's at now. ~Rue
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Mary Bianco
>From: <ElissaJC@...>LOL!!!!! Yes I do know all too well that one can find trouble in a matter of
>Mary, It sounds like there are two issues here that may not even be
>related!
>Curfew
>and
>Trust
>If she has done some things in the past that makes you not feel trustful,
>that needs to be addressed seperately. A curfew is just an arbitrary time
>that doesn't prevent anything "bad" from happening. I know for a fact that
>kids have sex in the afternoon, smoke pot in the basement at 7:30 pm and
>drink beer at the river while their parent's think they are at the Library
>doing homework. My high school best friend had the earliest curfew of us
>all
>(10:00 on weekends) and she packed it all into those early evening hours!
minutes even in the afternoon. My daughter for one. And our trust issues are
settled now and I do trust her. That's why I'm not really sure why I feel so
strange about lifting the curfew. I could understand if I had the thought of
"because that's what you do" but I don't. I don't do anything because that's
the way it's always been done, I hate that thinking. And I never had a
curfew so I have no real answer as to why it's been set for so long. The
times, they will be changing!!!
Mary B
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MO Milligans
At 06:05 PM 9/10/02 -0700, you wrote:
<GIANT HUGS> to you, Leslie. I really don't have any advice, but I am here
to listen (read) if you need to vent. It does sound like he (your hubby)
*needs* to get back on HIS medication *before* putting your son on any. JMHO.
Todd
Our HOME page
http://rambleman.tripod.com/index.html
>Please help! Any thoughts, suggestions, or comments==
>would be appreciated I am at my wits end.
>
>Leslie
<GIANT HUGS> to you, Leslie. I really don't have any advice, but I am here
to listen (read) if you need to vent. It does sound like he (your hubby)
*needs* to get back on HIS medication *before* putting your son on any. JMHO.
Todd
Our HOME page
http://rambleman.tripod.com/index.html
zenmomma *
>>If you could convince your husband to talk to someone, Jon would be happyI'd be happy to talk to anyone who is dealing with depression also. I'm not
>>to email with him about what he went through, and where he's at now.
>>~Rue>>
always perky and cheerful, but I'm no longer depressed. Life is so much
better.
Life is good.
~Mary
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