siblings - trying again
[email protected]
I know this isn't as sexy as much of the current discussion, but does anyone
want to talk about siblings. I am having a really hard time. I don't feel
(and clearly my kids don't either) that I'm there enough for each of them
because of the needs of the other.
My second son wasn't born until my first was almost five. When I just had
one child, I felt like I was a pretty darn good mom. But I feel like I'm
really lousy at balancing the needs of the two of them. I'm always trying to
put off the needs of one while I'm attending to the other and then the put
-off one loses it. Most parents seem to just expect/force their older one(s)
to be more independent and responsible. And they expect their younger ones
to put up with less attention and be more tolerant of other people's needs
than the first one was. I have a hard time with those notions. They don't
fit in with my unschooling philosophy of respecting individual timetables and
developmental needs. But then I keep running into the reality of the fact
that there are more needs in this family than there were before and I'm a few
years older and tired-er! It seemed like it got easier for about six months
when my youngest was 2 and a half. But he's 3 and a half and it's been
really really hard for several months.
How do you all balance the needs of different kids?
Pam T.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
want to talk about siblings. I am having a really hard time. I don't feel
(and clearly my kids don't either) that I'm there enough for each of them
because of the needs of the other.
My second son wasn't born until my first was almost five. When I just had
one child, I felt like I was a pretty darn good mom. But I feel like I'm
really lousy at balancing the needs of the two of them. I'm always trying to
put off the needs of one while I'm attending to the other and then the put
-off one loses it. Most parents seem to just expect/force their older one(s)
to be more independent and responsible. And they expect their younger ones
to put up with less attention and be more tolerant of other people's needs
than the first one was. I have a hard time with those notions. They don't
fit in with my unschooling philosophy of respecting individual timetables and
developmental needs. But then I keep running into the reality of the fact
that there are more needs in this family than there were before and I'm a few
years older and tired-er! It seemed like it got easier for about six months
when my youngest was 2 and a half. But he's 3 and a half and it's been
really really hard for several months.
How do you all balance the needs of different kids?
Pam T.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 9/9/2002 4:23:47 AM Central Standard Time,
warblwarbl@... writes:
age. The half years always are for us, anyway.
This is an issue I struggle with a lot as well, but for different reasons.
Mine are just 1 year apart, so we tend to do everything as a threesome and
they get very little individual time. They love the "just you and me" times.
I try to make sure they get at least some of that every day, but it probably
turns out to be more like once or twice a week.
Elizabeth
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
warblwarbl@... writes:
> But he's 3 and a half and it's beenit might be helpful to remember that 3 and a half can be a really difficult
> really really hard for several months.
>
> How do you all balance the needs of different kids?
>
age. The half years always are for us, anyway.
This is an issue I struggle with a lot as well, but for different reasons.
Mine are just 1 year apart, so we tend to do everything as a threesome and
they get very little individual time. They love the "just you and me" times.
I try to make sure they get at least some of that every day, but it probably
turns out to be more like once or twice a week.
Elizabeth
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Gerard Westenberg
<How do you all balance the needs of different kids>
I have seven kids and I don't think I am able to balance all the kids needs at once...its a compromise thing. Sometimes one child seems to need more attention than another. Sometimes, I have to ask one to wait awhile. Sometimes an older child will do something with another - there is a kind of synergy involved in a large family, where ideas and activities are often shared..Sometimes, I listen to everyone's wants ( eg wanting to listen to a book, wanting to play a game now) and I try to find a compromise - writing down their wants/needs is a help. Little kids really seem to feel reassured that mum is writing down what they want , what they want to do, even if they can't have it now. I have had mine post this paper on the fridge - they feel it is important...They feel I am listening ( I am!) and that I am taking them seriously, even if I can't stop reading to one at the moment, in order to play a game with another. They know its written down and we'll get to it...Its not ideal but its give and take and discussion, and gets easier as they get older... two books already mentioned on this list that I have found helpful are Siblings Without Rivalry and How To Talk So Kids Can Listen and Listen So Kids can Talk. Both by Faber and Mazlish....Leonie W.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I have seven kids and I don't think I am able to balance all the kids needs at once...its a compromise thing. Sometimes one child seems to need more attention than another. Sometimes, I have to ask one to wait awhile. Sometimes an older child will do something with another - there is a kind of synergy involved in a large family, where ideas and activities are often shared..Sometimes, I listen to everyone's wants ( eg wanting to listen to a book, wanting to play a game now) and I try to find a compromise - writing down their wants/needs is a help. Little kids really seem to feel reassured that mum is writing down what they want , what they want to do, even if they can't have it now. I have had mine post this paper on the fridge - they feel it is important...They feel I am listening ( I am!) and that I am taking them seriously, even if I can't stop reading to one at the moment, in order to play a game with another. They know its written down and we'll get to it...Its not ideal but its give and take and discussion, and gets easier as they get older... two books already mentioned on this list that I have found helpful are Siblings Without Rivalry and How To Talk So Kids Can Listen and Listen So Kids can Talk. Both by Faber and Mazlish....Leonie W.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Mica
Hi Pam
I'm not sure if I have anything useful to contribute on this, although I
feel a connection because my sons are five years apart - 9yo & 4 yo
(soon to be 10 & 5). I'm not sure I can relate to the needs of either
taking me from the other - except that I can't conduct two verbal
conversations at once. I have a vague recollection of explaining to a
5-6yo son the needs of the baby and talking a lot to him about how he
might need to remind me occasionally if I put something for him off
because when he was a baby I would forget things easily and might do
with this one too.
I began reading then about TCS (taking children seriously) and becoming
a consensus driven creative thinking family so I would talk with the
oldest a lot about all of our needs/wishes and how we might together
come up with solutions for everyone to have what we need. Mostly the
outcome was good, a rare very creative solution, many times just
understanding and accepting of later, sometimes practical help to have
later come sooner. I have to admit I fell out of the habit over time as
I became busy with my own interests, and I became more autocratic.
Being uncomfortable with that I have made sure this year to cut back on
the volunteer work and re-invest the time in the boys. I still don't
find much conflict - we talk about all the requests (if none are able to
be handled briefly) and work out solutions together.
I vaguely remember someone suggesting I arrange a particular time each
week (?or each day) for my oldest son to get my full attention during
the period when his brother as a baby often had to have his needs tended
first.
Good luck working something out.
Mica
ghal9720@...
Stawell, Victoria, Australia
-----Original Message-----
From: warblwarbl@... [mailto:warblwarbl@...]
Sent: Monday, 9 September 2002 6:55 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [Unschooling-dotcom] siblings - trying again
I know this isn't as sexy as much of the current discussion, but does
anyone
want to talk about siblings. I am having a really hard time. I don't
feel
(and clearly my kids don't either) that I'm there enough for each of
them
because of the needs of the other.
My second son wasn't born until my first was almost five. When I just
had
one child, I felt like I was a pretty darn good mom. But I feel like
I'm
really lousy at balancing the needs of the two of them. I'm always
trying to
put off the needs of one while I'm attending to the other and then the
put
-off one loses it. Most parents seem to just expect/force their older
one(s)
to be more independent and responsible. And they expect their younger
ones
to put up with less attention and be more tolerant of other people's
needs
than the first one was. I have a hard time with those notions. They
don't
fit in with my unschooling philosophy of respecting individual
timetables and
developmental needs. But then I keep running into the reality of the
fact
that there are more needs in this family than there were before and I'm
a few
years older and tired-er! It seemed like it got easier for about six
months
when my youngest was 2 and a half. But he's 3 and a half and it's been
really really hard for several months.
How do you all balance the needs of different kids?
Pam T.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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I'm not sure if I have anything useful to contribute on this, although I
feel a connection because my sons are five years apart - 9yo & 4 yo
(soon to be 10 & 5). I'm not sure I can relate to the needs of either
taking me from the other - except that I can't conduct two verbal
conversations at once. I have a vague recollection of explaining to a
5-6yo son the needs of the baby and talking a lot to him about how he
might need to remind me occasionally if I put something for him off
because when he was a baby I would forget things easily and might do
with this one too.
I began reading then about TCS (taking children seriously) and becoming
a consensus driven creative thinking family so I would talk with the
oldest a lot about all of our needs/wishes and how we might together
come up with solutions for everyone to have what we need. Mostly the
outcome was good, a rare very creative solution, many times just
understanding and accepting of later, sometimes practical help to have
later come sooner. I have to admit I fell out of the habit over time as
I became busy with my own interests, and I became more autocratic.
Being uncomfortable with that I have made sure this year to cut back on
the volunteer work and re-invest the time in the boys. I still don't
find much conflict - we talk about all the requests (if none are able to
be handled briefly) and work out solutions together.
I vaguely remember someone suggesting I arrange a particular time each
week (?or each day) for my oldest son to get my full attention during
the period when his brother as a baby often had to have his needs tended
first.
Good luck working something out.
Mica
ghal9720@...
Stawell, Victoria, Australia
-----Original Message-----
From: warblwarbl@... [mailto:warblwarbl@...]
Sent: Monday, 9 September 2002 6:55 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [Unschooling-dotcom] siblings - trying again
I know this isn't as sexy as much of the current discussion, but does
anyone
want to talk about siblings. I am having a really hard time. I don't
feel
(and clearly my kids don't either) that I'm there enough for each of
them
because of the needs of the other.
My second son wasn't born until my first was almost five. When I just
had
one child, I felt like I was a pretty darn good mom. But I feel like
I'm
really lousy at balancing the needs of the two of them. I'm always
trying to
put off the needs of one while I'm attending to the other and then the
put
-off one loses it. Most parents seem to just expect/force their older
one(s)
to be more independent and responsible. And they expect their younger
ones
to put up with less attention and be more tolerant of other people's
needs
than the first one was. I have a hard time with those notions. They
don't
fit in with my unschooling philosophy of respecting individual
timetables and
developmental needs. But then I keep running into the reality of the
fact
that there are more needs in this family than there were before and I'm
a few
years older and tired-er! It seemed like it got easier for about six
months
when my youngest was 2 and a half. But he's 3 and a half and it's been
really really hard for several months.
How do you all balance the needs of different kids?
Pam T.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
~~~~ Don't forget! If you change topics, change the subject line! ~~~~
If you have questions, concerns or problems with this list, please email
the moderator, Joyce Fetteroll (fetteroll@...), or the list
owner, Helen Hegener (HEM-Editor@...).
To unsubscribe from this group, click on the following link or address
an email to:
[email protected]
Visit the Unschooling website: http://www.unschooling.com
Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to
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