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My dad was like that too---and still IS. The best word to describe him is
"generous". Generous with his money, with his knowledge, and with his time.
He was/is always thinking AHEAD. I sometimes hate asking him for anything
because I know he'll give it even if he can't--or shouldn't. He WILL. Always.

He pulled me aside one day when I was almost 14. I was horse-crazy and knew
we couldn't afford a horse (who can?). He said it was time to buy me a horse
because I would "find" boys soon and he wanted me to enjoy the horses while I
could (little did he know! <g>).

One day Duncan was asking about a toy or something. I said that I just didn't
have that kind of money right now. Maybe when I get paid again. He said,
"I'll ask Pa. He always has the RIGHT kind of money!"

I HATE to say "no" too. "Later". "Maybe for Christmas or your birthday."
"Next payday." "I'll see what I can do." And the favorite, "SURE!" All are
acceptable to the boys, and they know I'd do it if I could. (Or they can ask
Opa! <g>)

Kelly



In a message dated 9/4/2002 2:00:39 PM Eastern Daylight Time,
Tuck@... writes:
> You know what? I have often counseled other mothers who are overwhelmed
> and feeling trapped in no-ville that they should find a way to say yes
> to whatever their kids want at any given moment. Many times it just
> lifts the spirits of everyone and the kid feels loved after a short time
> of yeses and won't harangue and harrass mom so much.
>
> I learned this from my dad. He's such a *great* dad. I remember my mom
> was always the "no" person. But one time he stuck up for me, and
> insisted I be allowed to go on a high school spring break ski trip. I
> will always love him for that.
>
> When my oldest children were little, Dad would take them for a couple of
> weeks at a time. (I was single then, and he was giving me a break.) He
> always reported that they behaved perfectly and were happy and had a
> good time. They always came back completely centered and content. He
> said that was because he resolved when my eldest was born to never say
> "no" to his grandchildren, even if he knew what they were asking he
> couldn't possibly provide.
>
> Think about how hard that would be? Never say no? Sometimes he had to
> be creative; he would say "later" or engage them in conversation about
> it until they came to the conclusion that they didn't need/want it. But
> because he'd never said no to even their tiniest request, they've never
> asked for anything impossible. This is some of the best advice found in
> "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen...", too. And he's probably never even
> heard of that book.
>
> My kids never ask him for anything anymore, because they know he'd give
> it to them, and they're grown up enough and love him enough to not want
> to burden him. He has a very nice Jeep and a ski boat and numerous
> other toys, that they know they can use anytime. But they don't. I
> think just knowing they can is enough. And they express true gratitude
> to him, which is nice to see. They think the world of each other.
>
> It's hard, hard, hard when you're the parent and not the grandparent, to
> have a relationship with your kids like that. But every little bit helps.



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Mary Bianco

I think I have a bit of a problem with always saying yes, even if one can
afford to always do so. I mean I'm a big advocate about learning how to not
automatically say no to things without thinking. I also believe you have to
chose battles and no's wisely. Sometimes it's just not worth the no or the
fight. But always saying yes or later doesn't set well with me. Not unless
later always means just that, later for sure.

I think in my house, it is important that our children learn no and learn
how to handle the no's. And learn that yes's don't always come and that
later does mean later and promises do mean you will do it. That maybe
Christmas or birthdays mean just that too and not hope the child forgets by
then. Even the little ones will eventually get that later means no when it
doesn't always happen.

But that's just me.

Mary B.
>




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KT

>
>
>But always saying yes or later doesn't set well with me. Not unless
>later always means just that, later for sure.
>

Well, no one was saying to lie to the kids. Or be dishonest or sneaky
or manipulative.

But to be in relationship with them, and want for them what they want,
and help them find a way to the yes if it can happen, and help them
realize the why nots without ever putting your foot down with no, and
let them know that you are on their side.

I don't want to be a gatekeeper on the door of their desires.

Tuck

zenmomma *

>>But always saying yes or later doesn't set well with me. Not unless
later always means just that, later for sure.>>

I don't lie to my kids. Later means later. I'll try means I will really try.
If I can't succeed, I'll explain the circumstances to them. I explain a lot
when we're making purchases. Spending money one place means we won't have it
to spend in another. My kids have a pretty good grasp of that. They're also
good at saving up their own money and working to get a big ticket item.
Casey bought her own American Girl doll and Conor bought his own N64.

>>I think in my house, it is important that our children learn no and learn
>>how to handle the no's.>>

No's happen all the time in life. My kids know what it means. They also know
that I don't say no just to teach them how to deal with it. They know I'm
the one that's there to help them figure out to get to their own yes.

Life is good.
~Mary

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