Luz Shosie and Ned Vare

on 8/19/02 5:43 PM, [email protected] at
[email protected] wrote:

> Message: 21
> Date: Mon, 19 Aug 2002 17:22:35 EDT
> From: AlmondJoy721@...
> Subject: Re: newbie question

From Jess:
>
> I am having trouble deciding in general where one draws lines. No matter how
> much personal freedom one would like to give their children, it seems there
> is always a point at which one has to think about what is too much. My 12
> year old is very strong willed and seems to enjoy being shocking at times.

Your son sounds like a good candidate for UNschooling. He hates his former
life at school and is searching for something new. So far, all he can
express are his regrets and dissatisfactions with his past. It can take a
while to overcome. He just got out of prison, remember. He doesn't really
know how to adjust to his newfound freedom.

If you draw a line, I'm betting he'll jump across it right away.

Try to avoid talking to him as though he is a "problem" child. Keep the
conversation about things outside of personality. He needs love and
reassurance, not negative judgments about his "nature."

Music is a wonderful release and a vast outlet for expression. You can't
control the words he might write. Eminem was just such a kid -- middle class
who rejects his former life of abuse and neglect. If your son seems to
idolize him, it's probably worth finding out about that person, instead of
assuming that he is a bad person and a bad influence on your son. Most
successful musicians and other artists are worthy of great respect in many
ways.

Give your son time, respect his choices, know that he will sometimes try to
shock you. He needs your attention. He will not be young for long. Go with
it if you can. Be his best friend. You really have no good alternative.

Ned Vare

[email protected]

In a message dated 8/20/02 10:15:57 AM, nedvare@... writes:

<< Eminem was just such a kid -- middle class
who rejects his former life of abuse and neglect. If your son seems to
idolize him, it's probably worth finding out about that person, instead of
assuming that he is a bad person and a bad influence on your son. Most
successful musicians and other artists are worthy of great respect in many
ways. >>

I have a friend who's a musician (among other things)--a great musician in
his own right.

His boys go to a little private alternative school with a HUGE
anti-modern-media bias. At their school, TV, video games, and popular music
are just bad.

One project they had was to do a presentation on someone or something from a
particular liimited list. So the kid came home asking his dad to help him
think of good and original things to say since there would be duplicates and
overlap. His dad talked to him about Eminem, helped him look stuff up,
listened to the music with him, and the report ended up being about self
reflection, freedom of expression, and that fact that Eminem was a good dad
to his daughter.

NOT what the school expected, and it caused some ripples or waves, but the
boy learned a ton, and I hope some of the others at his school (regardless of
their age or confidence) did too.

Asking a question but only accepting one pre-determined answer isn't really
asking an honest question. I think children's interests should be encouraged
and accepted, even when they seem wrong and weird to the parent, as long as
the child isn't in danger or breaking the law. (Unless it's taking tests
wrong. Or staying out of school. Or helping wounded animals they're not
"supposed" to help. Or other law breaking with thoughtful purpose.)

Sandra

Sandra