Re: 2244 - the Goal
Luz Shosie and Ned Vare
on 8/14/02 12:42 PM, [email protected] at
[email protected] wrote:
Ned wrote:
Our son decided on his own to go to college. He got himself accepted to
Hunter College in NYC - about 80 miles from our home in CT.
When he left for the city, in late August four years ago, his words were,
"I'm not just going to college, I'm leaving home." He didn't mean that he
was ending his relationship with us -- we get along great -- but he was
stating his break with day to day dependence, he was ready for independence
even though he accepted our paying his tuition and living expenses.
His first true test of his abilities was not academics but how to survive in
that city. He needed a place to live first -- the dorms had been filled, not
that he wanted to live in one anyway. He found a roommate, a girl from
California, through a bulletin board at the college, who also wanted to live
off campus (campus is three skyscrapers in mid-town plus a theater and a few
other smaller buildings)
Those two got to know each other really well and quickly because they did
not move into their own place until November 7th. In the meantime, they
stayed in several different hotels and weekly-rent rooming houses, living
out of suitcases, eating in restaurants, doing laundry, taking the subway to
school and taking their unfamiliar courses in unfamiliar places, and having
to move at short notice and not even know where they would move to, each
time. An adventure that most parents could not imagine having their kids
endure even at college age...we think of going to college would be a gentle
experience with food and lodging taken care of among grassy courtyards and
shade trees with only other students to deal with. These two were thrust
into the raging city, the big apple, the 24 hour nightmare.
What I realized was that kids who had been told what to do all their lives
could never have survived what these two did -- the girl, even younger than
our son, was accustomed to being her own boss and dealing with her own
finances and responsibilities. She was really far from home, but managed it
well.
They never complained. They told the story almost as if it were a bad movie
happening to them. But brother did they learn a lot. And when classes
started (in mid Sept.) and during the always-confusing intruductory period,
our son was the one whom others asked what to do. He got it right away,
without ever going to school, and we believed that it was exactly because he
had never been to school and was always deciding things, and figuring them
out, for himself. It had been the unschooling that prepared him for such
dealing with a complex and difficult situation.
They found a beautiful new apartment building with a decent sized LR 2br/
2b/K/small balcony/ 3rd Fl unit that turned out to be an enviable situation
downtown - where many such young folks want to be, and are - a short walk to
the subway (access to the whole city) and a twenty minute ride to the
college (which has it's own station), plenty of ethnic restaurants in the
neighborhood (called the Lower East Side), markets and stores and night
clubs of every description.
The two of them stayed in that apartment for the entire four years and
became fast friends, both did well in their fields, and both seemed to
manage themselves and their relationships well. In our son's case, we and he
give the credit to how we raised him to make his own decisions. In one essay
for freshman English, the assignment was to describe their upbringing. He
described his unschooling life in what were, to him, normal terms of a
self-governing experience, but of course to the professor (a woman --
thirtyish) his was a most unusual story, and her comment, which we treasure,
of course, was that he must have had incredibly trusting parents to raise
him that way. He was happy to show it to us. We cried, of course.
The message here is: Let. Let it happen. Watch, and trust, and help if you
can, but also trust from just the right distance, not too close, not
distant. Hands on, but not massaging. So....Let..&..Trust.
There does seem to be a plan. Our job seems to be not to make it, but to
watch it unfold. ...there I go, crying again.
Ned Vare
[email protected] wrote:
Ned wrote:
>>Ned adds:
>> If he had asked me whether I wanted him to go to college or if I thought
>> college was a good way to spend time and money, I'm sure that my honest
>> answer would have been no. But he didn't ask and I didn't say, even though I
>> believe he knew my feelings anyway - I don't hide a lot of my views....as
>> you might have noticed.
>
> ROFL!
>
>> Our goal for him was never college. Now that it's past, the goal is still
>> his happiness, not any other. His self-government and our trust in him have
>> so far been the foundation for everything, I believe.
>
> That's what I thought. Just checking. I have a hard time with the
> attitude of some homeschoolers that doing really well academically is *the*
> proof that homeschooling works.
> Tia
Our son decided on his own to go to college. He got himself accepted to
Hunter College in NYC - about 80 miles from our home in CT.
When he left for the city, in late August four years ago, his words were,
"I'm not just going to college, I'm leaving home." He didn't mean that he
was ending his relationship with us -- we get along great -- but he was
stating his break with day to day dependence, he was ready for independence
even though he accepted our paying his tuition and living expenses.
His first true test of his abilities was not academics but how to survive in
that city. He needed a place to live first -- the dorms had been filled, not
that he wanted to live in one anyway. He found a roommate, a girl from
California, through a bulletin board at the college, who also wanted to live
off campus (campus is three skyscrapers in mid-town plus a theater and a few
other smaller buildings)
Those two got to know each other really well and quickly because they did
not move into their own place until November 7th. In the meantime, they
stayed in several different hotels and weekly-rent rooming houses, living
out of suitcases, eating in restaurants, doing laundry, taking the subway to
school and taking their unfamiliar courses in unfamiliar places, and having
to move at short notice and not even know where they would move to, each
time. An adventure that most parents could not imagine having their kids
endure even at college age...we think of going to college would be a gentle
experience with food and lodging taken care of among grassy courtyards and
shade trees with only other students to deal with. These two were thrust
into the raging city, the big apple, the 24 hour nightmare.
What I realized was that kids who had been told what to do all their lives
could never have survived what these two did -- the girl, even younger than
our son, was accustomed to being her own boss and dealing with her own
finances and responsibilities. She was really far from home, but managed it
well.
They never complained. They told the story almost as if it were a bad movie
happening to them. But brother did they learn a lot. And when classes
started (in mid Sept.) and during the always-confusing intruductory period,
our son was the one whom others asked what to do. He got it right away,
without ever going to school, and we believed that it was exactly because he
had never been to school and was always deciding things, and figuring them
out, for himself. It had been the unschooling that prepared him for such
dealing with a complex and difficult situation.
They found a beautiful new apartment building with a decent sized LR 2br/
2b/K/small balcony/ 3rd Fl unit that turned out to be an enviable situation
downtown - where many such young folks want to be, and are - a short walk to
the subway (access to the whole city) and a twenty minute ride to the
college (which has it's own station), plenty of ethnic restaurants in the
neighborhood (called the Lower East Side), markets and stores and night
clubs of every description.
The two of them stayed in that apartment for the entire four years and
became fast friends, both did well in their fields, and both seemed to
manage themselves and their relationships well. In our son's case, we and he
give the credit to how we raised him to make his own decisions. In one essay
for freshman English, the assignment was to describe their upbringing. He
described his unschooling life in what were, to him, normal terms of a
self-governing experience, but of course to the professor (a woman --
thirtyish) his was a most unusual story, and her comment, which we treasure,
of course, was that he must have had incredibly trusting parents to raise
him that way. He was happy to show it to us. We cried, of course.
The message here is: Let. Let it happen. Watch, and trust, and help if you
can, but also trust from just the right distance, not too close, not
distant. Hands on, but not massaging. So....Let..&..Trust.
There does seem to be a plan. Our job seems to be not to make it, but to
watch it unfold. ...there I go, crying again.
Ned Vare
KT
>Great post, Ned. Made me teary, too.
>
>The message here is: Let. Let it happen. Watch, and trust, and help if you
>can, but also trust from just the right distance, not too close, not
>distant. Hands on, but not massaging. So....Let..&..Trust.
>
>There does seem to be a plan. Our job seems to be not to make it, but to
>watch it unfold. ...there I go, crying again.
>
It occurred to me that I might be writing similar things in 20 years.
The situation with my kids is similar to yours. (Don't you have old
children who went to school?) My 8 yo is already a self-governing
person. But I think there are going to be a whole lot more young people
like him, too. How lucky your son was to find someone like that!
I'm curious about your son when he was 8, and your mindset then, too.
I'm sure you've written about it some, but there's a lot of reading to do!
Tuck