Teaching kids kindness and adult ADD
[email protected]
Personally, I believe when a child hits, if it isn't self defense, and the
child hitting is "guilty", there should be the social skill of saying "I'm
sorry" to the one they hit.
I am a public school teacher. During the summer now I am subbing with little
kiddos. There is often a hit given; we stop, and yes, we talk, BUT the child
knows they owe the other one an apology. AND, the other child needs to
accept the apology. You can't imagine in one week, how much mellower these
children have become.
And yes, I do have one volatile boy. His parents are split up. he's mad. I
don't blame him. Daily, however, I remind him it is okay to be angry and mad
BUT when he is yelling at all of us and then kicking other kids around him
and calling names, that type of anger isn't acceptable. However, I tell him
and suggest he can go by himself to another part of the room or restroom to
yell and kick. And I ask him to let me know when he is calmer and when he is
ready for some "hug" time. The hugging is really what calms him and what he
lacks. Yep. LOVE! That has been my overall evaluation in the school
setting.
In our home, hitting just isn't allowed , period! Controlling? perhaps!
Too bad! We are not into violence that is physical. We don't like verbal
violence either, but we are more tolerant in the home of this, but highly
encourage our children to talk respectfully as much as possible.
Just a few thoughts.
Now a question..
Do any of you know anything about adult ADD?
You can email me privately about this. Thanks.
Bj
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
child hitting is "guilty", there should be the social skill of saying "I'm
sorry" to the one they hit.
I am a public school teacher. During the summer now I am subbing with little
kiddos. There is often a hit given; we stop, and yes, we talk, BUT the child
knows they owe the other one an apology. AND, the other child needs to
accept the apology. You can't imagine in one week, how much mellower these
children have become.
And yes, I do have one volatile boy. His parents are split up. he's mad. I
don't blame him. Daily, however, I remind him it is okay to be angry and mad
BUT when he is yelling at all of us and then kicking other kids around him
and calling names, that type of anger isn't acceptable. However, I tell him
and suggest he can go by himself to another part of the room or restroom to
yell and kick. And I ask him to let me know when he is calmer and when he is
ready for some "hug" time. The hugging is really what calms him and what he
lacks. Yep. LOVE! That has been my overall evaluation in the school
setting.
In our home, hitting just isn't allowed , period! Controlling? perhaps!
Too bad! We are not into violence that is physical. We don't like verbal
violence either, but we are more tolerant in the home of this, but highly
encourage our children to talk respectfully as much as possible.
Just a few thoughts.
Now a question..
Do any of you know anything about adult ADD?
You can email me privately about this. Thanks.
Bj
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Fetteroll
on 6/27/02 10:40 PM, Bj4kids@... at Bj4kids@... wrote:
They didn't improve how I felt, perhaps made me even angrier at my sister
(and my mom) because the sitaution was still unresolved and what counted was
the pretense that everything was okay.
Perhaps when there's one person responsible for many kids and the goal is to
get them to behave it's a useful technique to train them to act the way they
"should".
But I suspect it's the stopping and talking that's improving the behavior,
not the forced apologies.
Joyce
> Personally, I believe when a child hits, if it isn't self defense, and theI can remember forced apologies and acceptances from when I was a child.
> child hitting is "guilty", there should be the social skill of saying "I'm
> sorry" to the one they hit.
They didn't improve how I felt, perhaps made me even angrier at my sister
(and my mom) because the sitaution was still unresolved and what counted was
the pretense that everything was okay.
Perhaps when there's one person responsible for many kids and the goal is to
get them to behave it's a useful technique to train them to act the way they
"should".
But I suspect it's the stopping and talking that's improving the behavior,
not the forced apologies.
Joyce
[email protected]
In a message dated 6/27/02 10:41:34 PM Eastern Daylight Time, Bj4kids@...
writes:
e of teachers and administrators like you. Well meaning, but mostly
ineffectual. My son was teased, kicked and spat on in public school (fourth
and fifth grade). The perpetrators would be told to apologize and then would
smirk at him behind the teachers' back. It never stopped, he just stopped
going to them for help because he knew it was a waste of time. Probably to
the teachers, it looked like things were "more peaceful." Next I put him in a
very academic (and expensive) private school. In the private school, it was
ten times worse. There, in 6th and half of 7th grade, the kids were bigger,
stronger, more accomplished at being sneaky. My son was teased, kicked, spat
on, punched, bodyslammed, insulted all day, threatened, and shunned. The dean
of students at the school was a really nice guy, who could not have been more
useless. Every time someone did something to my son, thay'd all have a big
heart to heart. The bullies would put on their sweetest and most contrite
expressions, say a "heartfelt" apology to my son, and then call him a "fagot"
the minute they'd left the presence of the adult. On the few occasions that
some sort of punishment was meted out, they'd get him back for it. The
punishments were never as bad as the crimes, and they all knew it.
In the end, I realized (I can be incredibly thick sometimes) that he had only
two choices in such situations. Response A, was to hide out with all the
other nonconformists in the library or artroom and keep his mouth shut the
rest of the time. This group accepts that they are somehow inferior. Response
B, was to join the the nasty bullies and "popular" kids by being nasty just
like them. This group assumes that they are naturally superior, because
anyone who disagrees is beaten emotionally or physically into submission or
oblivion. I started to see my son turning into a nasty.
We chose response C. We started homeschooling. We are still feeling our way
along, and not quite sure how to proceed. We don't quite know what approach
we'll end up with, but I am at least sure I'll never leave him in such a
hopeless situation again, for even 5 minutes.
One last point. I tried to get the school to implement an anti-bullying
program that would be preventative by holding many supervised discussions
about acceptance of nonconformity, and many other issues that concern kids
and human beings in general. But at the same time, I did expect them to
implement consequences (yes I know that's a fancy word for punishment) when
people are unkind or just plain cruel to others.
What I tell my kids, is that not only is cruel behavior wrong, and totally
unacceptable, but in this society, if you grow up and punch somebody you
don't like or agree with, you go to jail.
There are many unpleasant and pleasant natural consequences for our behavior.
Childhood is the best time to learn this, with the help of our family.
Sherry
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
writes:
> Personally, I believe when a child hits, if it isn't self defense, and theThe primary reason that I pulled my 12 year old son out of school, was becaus
> child hitting is "guilty," there should be the social skill of saying "I'm
> sorry" to the one they hit.
>
e of teachers and administrators like you. Well meaning, but mostly
ineffectual. My son was teased, kicked and spat on in public school (fourth
and fifth grade). The perpetrators would be told to apologize and then would
smirk at him behind the teachers' back. It never stopped, he just stopped
going to them for help because he knew it was a waste of time. Probably to
the teachers, it looked like things were "more peaceful." Next I put him in a
very academic (and expensive) private school. In the private school, it was
ten times worse. There, in 6th and half of 7th grade, the kids were bigger,
stronger, more accomplished at being sneaky. My son was teased, kicked, spat
on, punched, bodyslammed, insulted all day, threatened, and shunned. The dean
of students at the school was a really nice guy, who could not have been more
useless. Every time someone did something to my son, thay'd all have a big
heart to heart. The bullies would put on their sweetest and most contrite
expressions, say a "heartfelt" apology to my son, and then call him a "fagot"
the minute they'd left the presence of the adult. On the few occasions that
some sort of punishment was meted out, they'd get him back for it. The
punishments were never as bad as the crimes, and they all knew it.
In the end, I realized (I can be incredibly thick sometimes) that he had only
two choices in such situations. Response A, was to hide out with all the
other nonconformists in the library or artroom and keep his mouth shut the
rest of the time. This group accepts that they are somehow inferior. Response
B, was to join the the nasty bullies and "popular" kids by being nasty just
like them. This group assumes that they are naturally superior, because
anyone who disagrees is beaten emotionally or physically into submission or
oblivion. I started to see my son turning into a nasty.
We chose response C. We started homeschooling. We are still feeling our way
along, and not quite sure how to proceed. We don't quite know what approach
we'll end up with, but I am at least sure I'll never leave him in such a
hopeless situation again, for even 5 minutes.
One last point. I tried to get the school to implement an anti-bullying
program that would be preventative by holding many supervised discussions
about acceptance of nonconformity, and many other issues that concern kids
and human beings in general. But at the same time, I did expect them to
implement consequences (yes I know that's a fancy word for punishment) when
people are unkind or just plain cruel to others.
What I tell my kids, is that not only is cruel behavior wrong, and totally
unacceptable, but in this society, if you grow up and punch somebody you
don't like or agree with, you go to jail.
There are many unpleasant and pleasant natural consequences for our behavior.
Childhood is the best time to learn this, with the help of our family.
Sherry
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Leslie Avery
Not all children who hit are bad kids or bullies.
Sometimes hitting is the only way a child, especially
a boy has in trying to defend himself against those
who constantly pick, spit or in other unviolent ways
hurt a child. It is very hard for some adults to
constantly take this behavior which is abuse without
losing it. What makes us think a child is any
different. I have four children two of which were in
school and I took them out for this reason also, there
was no way my other two were going to be exposed to
that mess.
When I have fighting among my children, even if there
is hitting or any kind of physical behavior I send
both to their rooms and ask them to think about what
there part was in the altercation. Because even if
the other person didn't hit there may have been some
verbal abuse going on. While there is never a reason
for physical violence both verbal and physical abuse
are equally harmful to a child. Often times the
verbal abuse is more so because it is harder to see
and detect. It is this verbal abuse which goes
undetected over a period of time results in violence.
After my children come out of their room they tell me
what their part in it was and we sit and talk about it
and discuss how they could have reacted differently.
They usually don't want to do this, they want to sit
and blast the other and place blame. But blaming
others is counter productive, I am trying to teach my
children that we have a part in every situation, and
in every situation we can learn something about
ourselves.
Leslie
--- Fetteroll <fetteroll@...> wrote:
Do You Yahoo!?
Sign up for SBC Yahoo! Dial - First Month Free
http://sbc.yahoo.com
Sometimes hitting is the only way a child, especially
a boy has in trying to defend himself against those
who constantly pick, spit or in other unviolent ways
hurt a child. It is very hard for some adults to
constantly take this behavior which is abuse without
losing it. What makes us think a child is any
different. I have four children two of which were in
school and I took them out for this reason also, there
was no way my other two were going to be exposed to
that mess.
When I have fighting among my children, even if there
is hitting or any kind of physical behavior I send
both to their rooms and ask them to think about what
there part was in the altercation. Because even if
the other person didn't hit there may have been some
verbal abuse going on. While there is never a reason
for physical violence both verbal and physical abuse
are equally harmful to a child. Often times the
verbal abuse is more so because it is harder to see
and detect. It is this verbal abuse which goes
undetected over a period of time results in violence.
After my children come out of their room they tell me
what their part in it was and we sit and talk about it
and discuss how they could have reacted differently.
They usually don't want to do this, they want to sit
and blast the other and place blame. But blaming
others is counter productive, I am trying to teach my
children that we have a part in every situation, and
in every situation we can learn something about
ourselves.
Leslie
--- Fetteroll <fetteroll@...> wrote:
> on 6/27/02 10:40 PM, Bj4kids@... at__________________________________________________
> Bj4kids@... wrote:
>
> > Personally, I believe when a child hits, if it
> isn't self defense, and the
> > child hitting is "guilty", there should be the
> social skill of saying "I'm
> > sorry" to the one they hit.
>
> I can remember forced apologies and acceptances from
> when I was a child.
> They didn't improve how I felt, perhaps made me even
> angrier at my sister
> (and my mom) because the sitaution was still
> unresolved and what counted was
> the pretense that everything was okay.
>
> Perhaps when there's one person responsible for many
> kids and the goal is to
> get them to behave it's a useful technique to train
> them to act the way they
> "should".
>
> But I suspect it's the stopping and talking that's
> improving the behavior,
> not the forced apologies.
>
> Joyce
>
>
>
Do You Yahoo!?
Sign up for SBC Yahoo! Dial - First Month Free
http://sbc.yahoo.com
[email protected]
In a message dated 7/2/02 9:30:39 AM, ljbakavery@... writes:
<< While there is never a reason
for physical violence both verbal and physical abuse
are equally harmful to a child. Often times the
verbal abuse is more so because it is harder to see
and detect. It is this verbal abuse which goes
undetected over a period of time results in violence. >>
VERY good point.
And verbal abuse is legal. And it's easy to remember. It can become a sound
loop in the person's mind that could play for life without them really
hearing it loudly.
I suspect a lot of parents who are mean to their kids are being so in
response to recorded voices in their heads.
I learned to turn mine up a little and think "What was that? Louder?" and if
it's old and stupid, I tell it to be ashamed of itself and never play in my
head again. <g> Or I play them as souvenir reminders. My granny telling me
"You have book smarts but no horse sense." I used to really worry about that
when I was a kid and a young adult. Now I think clearly "Whatever! I'm not
the mother of drunks and jailbirds." (Not yet, anyway, and I see some
contributing factors I have managed to avoid already.)
Sandra
<< While there is never a reason
for physical violence both verbal and physical abuse
are equally harmful to a child. Often times the
verbal abuse is more so because it is harder to see
and detect. It is this verbal abuse which goes
undetected over a period of time results in violence. >>
VERY good point.
And verbal abuse is legal. And it's easy to remember. It can become a sound
loop in the person's mind that could play for life without them really
hearing it loudly.
I suspect a lot of parents who are mean to their kids are being so in
response to recorded voices in their heads.
I learned to turn mine up a little and think "What was that? Louder?" and if
it's old and stupid, I tell it to be ashamed of itself and never play in my
head again. <g> Or I play them as souvenir reminders. My granny telling me
"You have book smarts but no horse sense." I used to really worry about that
when I was a kid and a young adult. Now I think clearly "Whatever! I'm not
the mother of drunks and jailbirds." (Not yet, anyway, and I see some
contributing factors I have managed to avoid already.)
Sandra
[email protected]
In a message dated 7/2/2002 11:43:02 AM Eastern Standard Time,
SandraDodd@... writes:
to call me dumb constantly when it was generally agreed by others that I was
definitely the smarter of the two of us. Then one day I witnessed his father
verbally abusing his mother, a very intelligent lady with a PhD, and using
the nearly-exact words my Ex used on me. It was definitely a wake-up call.
Amy Kagey
<A HREF="http://www.ubah.com/ecommerce/default.asp?sid=Z0939&gid=462366">Usborne Books Online Sales</A>
Free shipping thru July!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
SandraDodd@... writes:
> My granny telling meBoy, I've heard that one! I have an ex-husband (emphasis on the EX) who used
> "You have book smarts but no horse sense."
to call me dumb constantly when it was generally agreed by others that I was
definitely the smarter of the two of us. Then one day I witnessed his father
verbally abusing his mother, a very intelligent lady with a PhD, and using
the nearly-exact words my Ex used on me. It was definitely a wake-up call.
Amy Kagey
<A HREF="http://www.ubah.com/ecommerce/default.asp?sid=Z0939&gid=462366">Usborne Books Online Sales</A>
Free shipping thru July!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Tia Leschke
>Very true. I'm still dealing with the fear of rejection that developed
>VERY good point.
>And verbal abuse is legal. And it's easy to remember. It can become a sound
>loop in the person's mind that could play for life without them really
>hearing it loudly.
from the teasing I endured all through elementary school.
>I learned to turn mine up a little and think "What was that? Louder?" and ifNever thought of doing that. It might help. Thanks.
>it's old and stupid, I tell it to be ashamed of itself and never play in my
>head again. <g> Or I play them as souvenir reminders.
Tia
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Eleanor Roosevelt
*********************************************
Tia Leschke
leschke@...
On Vancouver Island
Cheryl Duke
> >I learned to turn mine up a little and think "What was that? Louder?"and if
> >it's old and stupid, I tell it to be ashamed of itself and never play inmy
> >head again. <g> Or I play them as souvenir reminders.The one I have never had trouble NOT saying to my kids is: "because I said
so."
cheryl
Cheryl Duke
> And verbal abuse is legal. And it's easy to remember. It can become asound
> loop in the person's mind that could play for life without them reallyI wish they would make it illegal. No child should ever have to hear a
> hearing it loudly.
parent tell them they are worthless.
Cheryl
Leslie Avery
I have those same voices sometimes in my head also but
they become less the more I forgive those who verbally
abused me. I admit I do find myself from time to time
saying because I said so or I am the mom that's why
and then I want to cut my tongue out of my head.
Leslie
--- Cheryl Duke <cheryl@...> wrote:
Do You Yahoo!?
Sign up for SBC Yahoo! Dial - First Month Free
http://sbc.yahoo.com
they become less the more I forgive those who verbally
abused me. I admit I do find myself from time to time
saying because I said so or I am the mom that's why
and then I want to cut my tongue out of my head.
Leslie
--- Cheryl Duke <cheryl@...> wrote:
> > And verbal abuse is legal. And it's easy to__________________________________________________
> remember. It can become a
> sound
> > loop in the person's mind that could play for life
> without them really
> > hearing it loudly.
>
> I wish they would make it illegal. No child should
> ever have to hear a
> parent tell them they are worthless.
>
> Cheryl
>
>
Do You Yahoo!?
Sign up for SBC Yahoo! Dial - First Month Free
http://sbc.yahoo.com