Parental control
gruvystarchild
<< So, does inviting the unschooling philosophy into your life mean
relinquishing all parental *controll*? >>
Well, what does control mean? If it means I'm not taking what my
children's
viewpoints are very seriously, or listening to them with equal
respect, then
no, control is not good.
But I think that's just semantics really. Because I do control
situations
every day.
Whether you want to call it control or just plain parenting, matters
not.
The fact is, I do control certains situations.
Which ones?
Well, first and foremost, safety issues.
I control my toddler if he wants to run in the street, grab a sharp
knife,
climb somewhere dangerous etc....
I control the older children by saying NO to something that is truly
dangerous....but I explain why and they usually understand. The key
here, is
to make sure it is truly dangerous, not just my own prejudice or
fears being
projected.
Like at the beach.....does my own fear of sharks or rip tides really
affect
them going out into deeper water? Or is the water fairly safe that
day and I
just need to shut up?
It's a constant questioning of myself and what the dangers truly are.
Letting them go out in the deeper water is probably safer than the
sun
exposure we get.....so some fears are just mine, and not reasonable
to apply
to them.
Regardless, I do control safetly issues. That's my job as a parent,
to keep
them safe and to point out ways they can keep themselves as safe as
possible
(after all, safety is something of an illusion in this dangerous
world!!).
Second item of control, which sorta gets back to safety....
I control them if they are trying to verbally or physically hurt
anyone.
If there is conflict and they need help resolving it, I control the
situation.
For me, that does not equal punishment or my will over theirs. It
simply
means I may separate people or call a "time out" (meaning stop what
you're
doing right now so we can talk...like a "pause" button) to resolve
the
problem.
I don't let fighting spin out of control, or one person be rude and
mean to
another. I think it's taking everyone's needs into account and it's
my job to
make sure they have a safe venue for doing that.
Now, on these other issues, I say I am indeed controlling the
situation, but
others may say no, that isn't control.
Like when we have a guest coming over, and I care that the house is
straightened up. I may ask everyone to pitch in and help me clean up.
Or if
I'm just frustrated with it, I might be more pushy than usual.
I think that is a type of control, although if my kids said "I'm
going to
finish X,Y,Z and then I'll come help you Mom" I would listen to them.
Letting them choose how to spend their own money, how to dress, what
to eat
(I have a big part in choosing what comes into the house and what to
cook
but they decide in the end), what to learn etc...
These are ways we can relinquish unecessary control.
The choices aren't to leave the kids on their own OR control them.
There is a happy medium, called dialoguing with them, working with
them,
respecting them while respecting yourself and giving them a variety
of tools
to use in different situations.
If I'm trying to carry on a conversation with another adult, and my
kids are
getting too loud, I might suggest that they move it elsewhere
(outside maybe)
or remind them that I can't even hear the other person. So far
they've been
willing to try and respect my request.....TRY being the key word. :)
I also don't expect to have much adult conversation if we're having
friends
over for them. I know which kids they get all excited to be around,
and I
don't expect a quiet house. Parental expectations can really mess
with how a
situation is viewed.
I don't hesitate to ask my children to respect me also...it's a give
and
take, not one sided.
So yes, I still have parental control. I like to think of it as a
friendship
we're building together. I have more experience, so it's kind of like
having
a foreigner in my home that needs guidance. Guidance is a good
thing, it's
all about how you approach it....with love and respect, or with anger
and
humiliation. (or anywhere in between).
I try for the love and respect, sometimes I fail, but it gets better
and
better.
Ren
relinquishing all parental *controll*? >>
Well, what does control mean? If it means I'm not taking what my
children's
viewpoints are very seriously, or listening to them with equal
respect, then
no, control is not good.
But I think that's just semantics really. Because I do control
situations
every day.
Whether you want to call it control or just plain parenting, matters
not.
The fact is, I do control certains situations.
Which ones?
Well, first and foremost, safety issues.
I control my toddler if he wants to run in the street, grab a sharp
knife,
climb somewhere dangerous etc....
I control the older children by saying NO to something that is truly
dangerous....but I explain why and they usually understand. The key
here, is
to make sure it is truly dangerous, not just my own prejudice or
fears being
projected.
Like at the beach.....does my own fear of sharks or rip tides really
affect
them going out into deeper water? Or is the water fairly safe that
day and I
just need to shut up?
It's a constant questioning of myself and what the dangers truly are.
Letting them go out in the deeper water is probably safer than the
sun
exposure we get.....so some fears are just mine, and not reasonable
to apply
to them.
Regardless, I do control safetly issues. That's my job as a parent,
to keep
them safe and to point out ways they can keep themselves as safe as
possible
(after all, safety is something of an illusion in this dangerous
world!!).
Second item of control, which sorta gets back to safety....
I control them if they are trying to verbally or physically hurt
anyone.
If there is conflict and they need help resolving it, I control the
situation.
For me, that does not equal punishment or my will over theirs. It
simply
means I may separate people or call a "time out" (meaning stop what
you're
doing right now so we can talk...like a "pause" button) to resolve
the
problem.
I don't let fighting spin out of control, or one person be rude and
mean to
another. I think it's taking everyone's needs into account and it's
my job to
make sure they have a safe venue for doing that.
Now, on these other issues, I say I am indeed controlling the
situation, but
others may say no, that isn't control.
Like when we have a guest coming over, and I care that the house is
straightened up. I may ask everyone to pitch in and help me clean up.
Or if
I'm just frustrated with it, I might be more pushy than usual.
I think that is a type of control, although if my kids said "I'm
going to
finish X,Y,Z and then I'll come help you Mom" I would listen to them.
Letting them choose how to spend their own money, how to dress, what
to eat
(I have a big part in choosing what comes into the house and what to
cook
but they decide in the end), what to learn etc...
These are ways we can relinquish unecessary control.
The choices aren't to leave the kids on their own OR control them.
There is a happy medium, called dialoguing with them, working with
them,
respecting them while respecting yourself and giving them a variety
of tools
to use in different situations.
If I'm trying to carry on a conversation with another adult, and my
kids are
getting too loud, I might suggest that they move it elsewhere
(outside maybe)
or remind them that I can't even hear the other person. So far
they've been
willing to try and respect my request.....TRY being the key word. :)
I also don't expect to have much adult conversation if we're having
friends
over for them. I know which kids they get all excited to be around,
and I
don't expect a quiet house. Parental expectations can really mess
with how a
situation is viewed.
I don't hesitate to ask my children to respect me also...it's a give
and
take, not one sided.
So yes, I still have parental control. I like to think of it as a
friendship
we're building together. I have more experience, so it's kind of like
having
a foreigner in my home that needs guidance. Guidance is a good
thing, it's
all about how you approach it....with love and respect, or with anger
and
humiliation. (or anywhere in between).
I try for the love and respect, sometimes I fail, but it gets better
and
better.
Ren
[email protected]
In a message dated 6/12/02 5:06:35 PM Central Daylight Time,
starsuncloud@... writes:
brings this issue up with me. I can't expect the kids to not be kids and be
quiet just so she and I can talk. We have her and her kids over so the kids
can play, not so they can tiptoe around us while we talk! She has this whole
puritan children should be seen, not heard issue hanging on in her brain,
although she would deny it, I'm sure. I also have to remind her that a day of
play with her kids is not a typical day at our house. Nor is having her kids
over the same as having their neighborhood friends over. I use this analogy
for her all the time. *We have dessert almost every night, most nights it is
a handful of cookies, a small bowl of ice-cream or some fruit. (That is the
neighborhood kids.) Three or four times a year, we go to Kansas City and have
dinner and dessert at the Cheesecake Factory. (That is her kids.)* Her kids
are a special treat for my kids, her kids feel the same way about my kids,
and when they get together, my house shakes! The kids let their hair down,
the rules about jumping off the bed onto someone are still there. The rules
about playing in the street are still there, to me nothing has changed, just
the noise level. To her it is indicative of how things are 24/7 at our home.
I can, at any time tell my kids that things are getting over the top, and
they will respect that in an instant. BUT when they are having their special
treat friends over, I hate to do that. I would send them all to the park, but
that would involve her letting go of her parental control for too long. I
would suggest that she and I go to the porch swing if the kids are inside or
the couch if they are out side, but again that would be too much for her. She
has to be "on top of the situation at all times" as she calls it. So in the
end we agree to disagree. She can't imagine being with her kids as much as I
am with mine, and I can't imagine being on top of my kids as she is with
hers!
In our family, we all have a healthy respect for each other, Moly and Jack
know when too much is too much. They wouldn't want us nit picking at them
over every little thing, I wouldn't want to do that to them. They also know
that there are situations where it is better if Mom or Dad "takes control."
Meeting new people, being in a really crowded, unfamiliar area, something
like that. My kids call it "Mom's taking charge!" :o)
~Nancy
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
starsuncloud@... writes:
> If I'm trying to carry on a conversation with another adult, and myThis is the point I always try to get across to my best friend when she
> kids are
> getting too loud, I might suggest that they move it elsewhere
> (outside maybe)
> or remind them that I can't even hear the other person. So far
> they've been
> willing to try and respect my request.....TRY being the key word. :)
> I also don't expect to have much adult conversation if we're having
> friends
> over for them. I know which kids they get all excited to be around,
> and I
> don't expect a quiet house. Parental expectations can really mess
> with how a
> situation is viewed.
> I don't hesitate to ask my children to respect me also...it's a give
> and
> take, not one sided.
>
brings this issue up with me. I can't expect the kids to not be kids and be
quiet just so she and I can talk. We have her and her kids over so the kids
can play, not so they can tiptoe around us while we talk! She has this whole
puritan children should be seen, not heard issue hanging on in her brain,
although she would deny it, I'm sure. I also have to remind her that a day of
play with her kids is not a typical day at our house. Nor is having her kids
over the same as having their neighborhood friends over. I use this analogy
for her all the time. *We have dessert almost every night, most nights it is
a handful of cookies, a small bowl of ice-cream or some fruit. (That is the
neighborhood kids.) Three or four times a year, we go to Kansas City and have
dinner and dessert at the Cheesecake Factory. (That is her kids.)* Her kids
are a special treat for my kids, her kids feel the same way about my kids,
and when they get together, my house shakes! The kids let their hair down,
the rules about jumping off the bed onto someone are still there. The rules
about playing in the street are still there, to me nothing has changed, just
the noise level. To her it is indicative of how things are 24/7 at our home.
I can, at any time tell my kids that things are getting over the top, and
they will respect that in an instant. BUT when they are having their special
treat friends over, I hate to do that. I would send them all to the park, but
that would involve her letting go of her parental control for too long. I
would suggest that she and I go to the porch swing if the kids are inside or
the couch if they are out side, but again that would be too much for her. She
has to be "on top of the situation at all times" as she calls it. So in the
end we agree to disagree. She can't imagine being with her kids as much as I
am with mine, and I can't imagine being on top of my kids as she is with
hers!
In our family, we all have a healthy respect for each other, Moly and Jack
know when too much is too much. They wouldn't want us nit picking at them
over every little thing, I wouldn't want to do that to them. They also know
that there are situations where it is better if Mom or Dad "takes control."
Meeting new people, being in a really crowded, unfamiliar area, something
like that. My kids call it "Mom's taking charge!" :o)
~Nancy
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
alaurashome
> Well, what does control mean? If it means I'm not taking what myWOW Ren! I had trouble choosing what portion of your post to keep
> children's
> viewpoints are very seriously, or listening to them with equal
> respect, then
> no, control is not good.
> But I think that's just semantics really. Because I do control
> situations
> every day.
for my reply. It was all so good.
I loved what you wrote (probably because you had the good sense to
write what I believe. LOL)
I have never been able to put my thoughts into words as well as you
did. Thank YOU!!!!
Alaura