Re: [Unschooling-dotcom] Digest Number 2057
Carol Koessel
I am doing the Digest thing so I won't get into individual stuff, but I love
this site. You are all so bright and positive. Thank you. Someone had
mentioned the first born being the "perfectionist" and that was my
experience too, but I must say my third (of four) is the same. Though I do
not believe in astrology, they were born 9 years and 2 days apart. Hmm. At
any rate, it is diffiucult to soothe and reassure a child who is determined
to "judge" himself and his own work. I kept trying to see how I might have
influenced my children to believe that they had to be perfect and
knowledgebale the first time doing something new. I just am not that kind of
person, the point is they were. I worried so much when David was young about
where this came from. He is now 18 and is still very driven. It has, however
served him. I don't like to say that I like a competitive, perfectionistic
son, but it seems to do him well. I would love for him to try (and fail and
be ok with it) new things but that is just not who he was born to be. I
guess my point is, we do our best to influence our kids and keep the
pressure off of them to perform, but it seems to be the nature of some
children and it doesn't matter what we say or do. That is who they are.
When David was little, I remember him drawing or writing and scribbling all
over the paper and tearing it up if it wasn't the way he had intended. The
sheer force and anger and disapointment in him upset me. It didn't seem as
important to him. He threw his fit and started over. It was me who it
bothered, not him. Maybe I am nuts, and am in deep need of therapy, but he
seemed to be ok with his "tanturms of perfection." I think until it no
longer sereves him, he will continue to do it his perfect way. I think I
just had to let go at some point and realize he has his lessons to learn,
and they were not my lessons, nor my experience. I had to let him do his own
life and learn for himself. I had nothing to offer on the subject of self
imposed perfectionism. It is interesting how our children become their own
people, and often they have such different ways of expressing themselves.
Carol
this site. You are all so bright and positive. Thank you. Someone had
mentioned the first born being the "perfectionist" and that was my
experience too, but I must say my third (of four) is the same. Though I do
not believe in astrology, they were born 9 years and 2 days apart. Hmm. At
any rate, it is diffiucult to soothe and reassure a child who is determined
to "judge" himself and his own work. I kept trying to see how I might have
influenced my children to believe that they had to be perfect and
knowledgebale the first time doing something new. I just am not that kind of
person, the point is they were. I worried so much when David was young about
where this came from. He is now 18 and is still very driven. It has, however
served him. I don't like to say that I like a competitive, perfectionistic
son, but it seems to do him well. I would love for him to try (and fail and
be ok with it) new things but that is just not who he was born to be. I
guess my point is, we do our best to influence our kids and keep the
pressure off of them to perform, but it seems to be the nature of some
children and it doesn't matter what we say or do. That is who they are.
When David was little, I remember him drawing or writing and scribbling all
over the paper and tearing it up if it wasn't the way he had intended. The
sheer force and anger and disapointment in him upset me. It didn't seem as
important to him. He threw his fit and started over. It was me who it
bothered, not him. Maybe I am nuts, and am in deep need of therapy, but he
seemed to be ok with his "tanturms of perfection." I think until it no
longer sereves him, he will continue to do it his perfect way. I think I
just had to let go at some point and realize he has his lessons to learn,
and they were not my lessons, nor my experience. I had to let him do his own
life and learn for himself. I had nothing to offer on the subject of self
imposed perfectionism. It is interesting how our children become their own
people, and often they have such different ways of expressing themselves.
Carol