Re: [Unschooling-dotcom] Explosive Child
John Julian
Camille,
I'm curious why you didn't like the book?
It really helped us with the children in our home & in a way, I feel it fits more with unschooling than other ideologies.
When our children came to live with us, they were often angry (with good reason!) and had zero trust that adults could be helpful. We're talking punching fists through walls, biting themselves, damaging everything, cursing, etc. .
The standard D.C.F.S. line at the time was "123 Magic" or any other system of rewards and consequences. Give them stickers, candy, t.v. time, money when they do something "good", and a "time out", or take something away (favorite toy or priviledge) when they do something "bad".
Well, it didn't take long to figure out that these techniques were WAY counterproductive for our children (and I believe now for any child - but indeed, my opinion is solely based on the dozen or so children who shared their lives with us in the past 5 1/2 years).
Dr. Greene's book really tapped into a whole different mentality about kids with low tolerance for frustration & more challenging and upsetting behaviors. What I got out of the book was to focus on the child, not the behavior. A good example was cursing. Instead of handing out a punishment when the child says *---*! You take into consideration that if the child had better words to express themselves, they would - so model it for them, e.g. "I can see you are very angry / upset that your sister ate the last twinkie. Is there anything I can do to help you figure this out / feel better?". (You ignore the cursing altogether.) Eventually the child starts to put words with her / his feelings, and "F--- Off" becomes, "I'm really angry that you won't take me to the store right now to get some more Twinkies!"
It's based on believing that the child is good and doesn't enjoy exploding or the struggles anymore than we do, and that they are definitely not just trying to manipulate adults. I have seen this work so well for our family over the years (and it does take months or years of patience and consistency) and I do see HUGE similarities with unschooling - especially in terms of believing the best about children and trusting them to do better and figure out what works better / feels better for them.
He is also an advocate for compromise instead of "My Way or the Highway" parenting. I find that this also fits with unschooling in terms of treating children as people with fewer years of life experience & communicating to them that their needs / wants / feelings are as important and valid as ours.
He categorizes behaviors into "baskets". Basket A represents behaviors we can not compromise on, e.g. safety issues, "No you can not run across the Interstate, or jump into that stream of hot lava". Everything else should be in basket B or C - B = compromise, and C = let the child learn it for themselves. Totally unschooling! He felt that in our culture, way too many parents put too many behaviors in basket A, "You do it my way, even on the little things". An example Dr. Greene gave was wearing a coat on a cold winter's day. He felt this was a Basket C issue. Don't argue or incite a tantrum - if the child is cold / she / he will come back inside and put on her / his coat.
When I first read the book, it was scary, in a way just like unschooling. I knew in my heart it was right. My soul cried out, "This is it!", but it requires making that leap of faith - I have to trust that my child will come in and put on their coat if they are cold, I have to trust that my child will stop cursing to express feelings if I continue to model something else, love them, and not react, I have to trust that they will learn what they need and want to learn!
I read the book three years ago, and have not returned to it since. The ideas I wrote about above are the general concepts I got out of the book and put into practice in our family. For us, they worked well. If you met my children, you would never suspect in a million years what we have all been through. They are loving, caring kids with an amazing ability to express themselves & their feelings. We still have our moments, but it is astounding compared to three and five years ago!
Trust is key!
Shelly
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I'm curious why you didn't like the book?
It really helped us with the children in our home & in a way, I feel it fits more with unschooling than other ideologies.
When our children came to live with us, they were often angry (with good reason!) and had zero trust that adults could be helpful. We're talking punching fists through walls, biting themselves, damaging everything, cursing, etc. .
The standard D.C.F.S. line at the time was "123 Magic" or any other system of rewards and consequences. Give them stickers, candy, t.v. time, money when they do something "good", and a "time out", or take something away (favorite toy or priviledge) when they do something "bad".
Well, it didn't take long to figure out that these techniques were WAY counterproductive for our children (and I believe now for any child - but indeed, my opinion is solely based on the dozen or so children who shared their lives with us in the past 5 1/2 years).
Dr. Greene's book really tapped into a whole different mentality about kids with low tolerance for frustration & more challenging and upsetting behaviors. What I got out of the book was to focus on the child, not the behavior. A good example was cursing. Instead of handing out a punishment when the child says *---*! You take into consideration that if the child had better words to express themselves, they would - so model it for them, e.g. "I can see you are very angry / upset that your sister ate the last twinkie. Is there anything I can do to help you figure this out / feel better?". (You ignore the cursing altogether.) Eventually the child starts to put words with her / his feelings, and "F--- Off" becomes, "I'm really angry that you won't take me to the store right now to get some more Twinkies!"
It's based on believing that the child is good and doesn't enjoy exploding or the struggles anymore than we do, and that they are definitely not just trying to manipulate adults. I have seen this work so well for our family over the years (and it does take months or years of patience and consistency) and I do see HUGE similarities with unschooling - especially in terms of believing the best about children and trusting them to do better and figure out what works better / feels better for them.
He is also an advocate for compromise instead of "My Way or the Highway" parenting. I find that this also fits with unschooling in terms of treating children as people with fewer years of life experience & communicating to them that their needs / wants / feelings are as important and valid as ours.
He categorizes behaviors into "baskets". Basket A represents behaviors we can not compromise on, e.g. safety issues, "No you can not run across the Interstate, or jump into that stream of hot lava". Everything else should be in basket B or C - B = compromise, and C = let the child learn it for themselves. Totally unschooling! He felt that in our culture, way too many parents put too many behaviors in basket A, "You do it my way, even on the little things". An example Dr. Greene gave was wearing a coat on a cold winter's day. He felt this was a Basket C issue. Don't argue or incite a tantrum - if the child is cold / she / he will come back inside and put on her / his coat.
When I first read the book, it was scary, in a way just like unschooling. I knew in my heart it was right. My soul cried out, "This is it!", but it requires making that leap of faith - I have to trust that my child will come in and put on their coat if they are cold, I have to trust that my child will stop cursing to express feelings if I continue to model something else, love them, and not react, I have to trust that they will learn what they need and want to learn!
I read the book three years ago, and have not returned to it since. The ideas I wrote about above are the general concepts I got out of the book and put into practice in our family. For us, they worked well. If you met my children, you would never suspect in a million years what we have all been through. They are loving, caring kids with an amazing ability to express themselves & their feelings. We still have our moments, but it is astounding compared to three and five years ago!
Trust is key!
Shelly
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 4/22/2002 2:00:05 PM Pacific Daylight Time,
jsjulian@... writes:
what I remember and what I got out of it.
Thank you Shelly - for the review AND for rescuing me from my memory lapse.
I should change the subject line, but I DO need some help with those "senior
moments" - those "uh uh uh on the tip of my tongue can't quite remember
aaaargh my brain is hurting" moments. I was having them so frequently that I
thought I was going to have to give up teaching - a few years ago. Then they
passed - I had started taking some hormones so I attributed the improvement
to that. But I seem to be getting it back again. Any suggestions will be
appreciated. I may have to ask you to remind me what you suggested, but I'll
appreciate it then too <BEG>.
--pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
jsjulian@... writes:
> I read the book three years ago, and have not returned to it since. TheSo YES - that was the book I meant. And what Shelley described is exactly
> ideas I wrote about above are the general concepts I got out of the book
> and put into practice in our family. For us, they worked well. If you met
> my children, you would never suspect in a million years what we have all
> been through. They are loving, caring kids with an amazing ability to
> express themselves & their feelings. We still have our moments, but it is
> astounding compared to three and five years ago!
what I remember and what I got out of it.
Thank you Shelly - for the review AND for rescuing me from my memory lapse.
I should change the subject line, but I DO need some help with those "senior
moments" - those "uh uh uh on the tip of my tongue can't quite remember
aaaargh my brain is hurting" moments. I was having them so frequently that I
thought I was going to have to give up teaching - a few years ago. Then they
passed - I had started taking some hormones so I attributed the improvement
to that. But I seem to be getting it back again. Any suggestions will be
appreciated. I may have to ask you to remind me what you suggested, but I'll
appreciate it then too <BEG>.
--pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
joanna514
>since. The ideas I wrote about above are the general concepts I got
> I read the book three years ago, and have not returned to it
out of the book and put into practice in our family. For us, they
worked well. If you met my children, you would never suspect in a
million years what we have all been through. They are loving, caring
kids with an amazing ability to express themselves & their feelings.
We still have our moments, but it is astounding compared to three and
five years ago!
>Okay, I am definitely getting this book!
> Trust is key!
>
> Shelly
>
Thanks Shelly!
Joanna
marji
Hi, Shelly. Thanks very much for your "book report" on The Explosive
Child. That sounds like just the thing for us to read. It sounds like
your house is a peaceful place to be.
Best,
Marji
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Child. That sounds like just the thing for us to read. It sounds like
your house is a peaceful place to be.
Best,
Marji
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Camille Bauer
The standard D.C.F.S. line at the time was "123 Magic" or any other system of rewards and consequences. Give them stickers, candy, t.v. time, money when they do something "good", and a "time out", or take something away (favorite toy or priviledge) when they do something "bad".>>
That was the book I was thinking of, sorry for the misunderstanding earlier :)
CamilleGet more from the Web. FREE MSN Explorer download : http://explorer.msn.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
That was the book I was thinking of, sorry for the misunderstanding earlier :)
CamilleGet more from the Web. FREE MSN Explorer download : http://explorer.msn.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]