Re: [Unschooling-dotcom] yelling/fighting
Vicki A. Dennis
You might consider asking them both whether the fighting and jostling bothers either of them. If not, perhaps an explanation that it bothers YOU and a suggestion that they take it outside or at least out of your earshot. In other words, just don't see or hear so much!
If one is bothered and the other not, then perhaps some ideas about how they can choose not to be in each other's company when behavior becomes unacceptable.
If both are bothered and would like to see some changes, you can help them brainstorm about making the changes.
But first, you need to determine if their interactions with each other meet their own needs and the real problem is that it annoys you.
vicki---who survived that Irish blood in own childhood and with cousins and whose own boys have survived to adulthood as very compassionate and polite humans.
tell you how many times I have talked to them about their fighting and tried to come up with solutions to curb it. DH says he and his brothers fought even worse. His mom actually took them to a shrink for help, which of course, didn't help at all. The family joke is that the fighting comes from the *Irish* in them, whatever that means. Apparently Irish folk fight alot? I don't know, but this is my biggest dilemma right now.
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If one is bothered and the other not, then perhaps some ideas about how they can choose not to be in each other's company when behavior becomes unacceptable.
If both are bothered and would like to see some changes, you can help them brainstorm about making the changes.
But first, you need to determine if their interactions with each other meet their own needs and the real problem is that it annoys you.
vicki---who survived that Irish blood in own childhood and with cousins and whose own boys have survived to adulthood as very compassionate and polite humans.
tell you how many times I have talked to them about their fighting and tried to come up with solutions to curb it. DH says he and his brothers fought even worse. His mom actually took them to a shrink for help, which of course, didn't help at all. The family joke is that the fighting comes from the *Irish* in them, whatever that means. Apparently Irish folk fight alot? I don't know, but this is my biggest dilemma right now.
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Bonni Sollars
Karin, my boys fight and often get physical, too. In fact, that usually
is what "raises my hackles". I think you have the answer when you say
you deal with it day by day and minute by minute. There really are no
pat answers. But there are programs designed to help with conflict
resolution that work in group situations. Kids who fight are at least
freely expressing themselves and not afraid to voice their opinions,
defend themselves and fight for what is theirs. I would worry if they
don't fight at all.
Bonni
is what "raises my hackles". I think you have the answer when you say
you deal with it day by day and minute by minute. There really are no
pat answers. But there are programs designed to help with conflict
resolution that work in group situations. Kids who fight are at least
freely expressing themselves and not afraid to voice their opinions,
defend themselves and fight for what is theirs. I would worry if they
don't fight at all.
Bonni
Kara Bauer
BTW, they do play wonderfully together, too, as they are doing outside right now. They are the best of friends and the worst of enemies. Boys will be boys, eh?>>
Yes! My 2 are the best of friends and the worst of enemies too. It's ok for them to wrestle, name call, whatever to each other but if anyone else tries the other one gets angry at the 3rd person.
We have tried many things to curb it but my memories of my sisters & myself keep reminding me that it isn't just them being boys :)
KaraGet more from the Web. FREE MSN Explorer download : http://explorer.msn.com
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Yes! My 2 are the best of friends and the worst of enemies too. It's ok for them to wrestle, name call, whatever to each other but if anyone else tries the other one gets angry at the 3rd person.
We have tried many things to curb it but my memories of my sisters & myself keep reminding me that it isn't just them being boys :)
KaraGet more from the Web. FREE MSN Explorer download : http://explorer.msn.com
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Karin
>>When I get upset, and my voice starts to become shrill, mykids and I have a codeword which means I'm crossing the line into a
tirade and they want me to stop. It's "Peace" accompanied by the peace
sign. We talked a lot before deciding on that word.
Bonni >>
What a great idea. I'll have to think more about this and ask my kids if we should try something like this. Not that I yell at them nearly as much as I used to (before unschooling) but sometimes my anger still gets the best of me.
My biggest problem right now though is that my boys (9 & almost 11) are still getting in the nastiest fights. There isn't a day that goes by without them yelling at each other, picking on each other, teasing, name calling and even escalating into physical fights. Can't tell you how many times I have talked to them about their fighting and tried to come up with solutions to curb it. DH says he and his brothers fought even worse. His mom actually took them to a shrink for help, which of course, didn't help at all. The family joke is that the fighting comes from the *Irish* in them, whatever that means. Apparently Irish folk fight alot? I don't know, but this is my biggest dilemma right now.
Karin
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Karin
Vicki A. Dennis wrote:
You might consider asking them both whether the fighting and jostling bothers either of them. If not, perhaps an explanation that it bothers YOU and a suggestion that they take it outside or at least out of your earshot. In other words, just don't see or hear so much!
If one is bothered and the other not, then perhaps some ideas about how they can choose not to be in each other's company when behavior becomes unacceptable.
If both are bothered and would like to see some changes, you can help them brainstorm about making the changes.
But first, you need to determine if their interactions with each other meet their own needs and the real problem is that it annoys you.
vicki---who survived that Irish blood in own childhood and with cousins and whose own boys have survived to adulthood as very compassionate and polite humans.
Thanks for the suggestions Vicki!
To tell you the truth, I think they are both bothered by it. They often yell out "MOOOooom, he's doing such and such to me" or at each other "I said GET OUT!" (of my room) or the never ending array of names they call each other when one does something to upset the other. It is back and forth like this all day. They each get on each other's nerves. They are equally to blame. Once it will be Ben causing the trouble, picking on Jonathan, and next it will be the other way around.
I have tried ignoring or staying out of their fights, to some degree, and often that leads to the physical fights.
I have tried time-outs/sending them to their own rooms to settle down for a while.
I have tried taking away privileges, in several different manners. - For the one who started the fight. For the both of them, no matter who started it.
I have tried making them hug each other and say sorry after fighting.
I have tried the *feelings* talk - "how does it make you feel when you fight? how do you think it makes your brother feel?"
I have tried making them feel guilty by saying how hurt I am that they are fighting.
I threatened to send them to school. (wouldn't really do that, though)
Yes, and we have brainstormed. "What ideas can we all come up with so you and your brother don't fight so much?"
All of these instances bring temporary results. It may work for one or two times after, but the root problem is still always there, and a fight is literally always seconds away from developing.
I just go minute by minute, day by day, to get through the fighting. Each new fight that comes up, we just deal with it in the best way that I can think of at the moment.
BTW, they do play wonderfully together, too, as they are doing outside right now. They are the best of friends and the worst of enemies. Boys will be boys, eh?
Karin - NOT Irish
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You might consider asking them both whether the fighting and jostling bothers either of them. If not, perhaps an explanation that it bothers YOU and a suggestion that they take it outside or at least out of your earshot. In other words, just don't see or hear so much!
If one is bothered and the other not, then perhaps some ideas about how they can choose not to be in each other's company when behavior becomes unacceptable.
If both are bothered and would like to see some changes, you can help them brainstorm about making the changes.
But first, you need to determine if their interactions with each other meet their own needs and the real problem is that it annoys you.
vicki---who survived that Irish blood in own childhood and with cousins and whose own boys have survived to adulthood as very compassionate and polite humans.
Thanks for the suggestions Vicki!
To tell you the truth, I think they are both bothered by it. They often yell out "MOOOooom, he's doing such and such to me" or at each other "I said GET OUT!" (of my room) or the never ending array of names they call each other when one does something to upset the other. It is back and forth like this all day. They each get on each other's nerves. They are equally to blame. Once it will be Ben causing the trouble, picking on Jonathan, and next it will be the other way around.
I have tried ignoring or staying out of their fights, to some degree, and often that leads to the physical fights.
I have tried time-outs/sending them to their own rooms to settle down for a while.
I have tried taking away privileges, in several different manners. - For the one who started the fight. For the both of them, no matter who started it.
I have tried making them hug each other and say sorry after fighting.
I have tried the *feelings* talk - "how does it make you feel when you fight? how do you think it makes your brother feel?"
I have tried making them feel guilty by saying how hurt I am that they are fighting.
I threatened to send them to school. (wouldn't really do that, though)
Yes, and we have brainstormed. "What ideas can we all come up with so you and your brother don't fight so much?"
All of these instances bring temporary results. It may work for one or two times after, but the root problem is still always there, and a fight is literally always seconds away from developing.
I just go minute by minute, day by day, to get through the fighting. Each new fight that comes up, we just deal with it in the best way that I can think of at the moment.
BTW, they do play wonderfully together, too, as they are doing outside right now. They are the best of friends and the worst of enemies. Boys will be boys, eh?
Karin - NOT Irish
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Karin
>>We have tried many things to curb it but my memories of my sisters & myself keep reminding me that it isn't just them being boys :)>>I stand corrected then! How about, kids will be kids. ;-)
I am the oldest sister of 3 girls, but I am about 3-4 years apart in age from my 2 younger sisters. They are 11 months apart and they are the ones who always got in bad fights. I was always trying to make peace between them, just like I do with my own boys now. I guess this really has nothing to do with being Irish.
Karin
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Kara Bauer
LOL! I am the oldest as well, 5 years older than 1 and almost 10 from the other. Funny thing was it was usually the youngest & myself who fought the most! :)
Kara
Kara
----- Original Message -----
From: Karin
Sent: Friday, March 15, 2002 5:12 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: [Unschooling-dotcom] yelling/fighting
>>We have tried many things to curb it but my memories of my sisters & myself keep reminding me that it isn't just them being boys :)>>
I stand corrected then! How about, kids will be kids. ;-)
I am the oldest sister of 3 girls, but I am about 3-4 years apart in age from my 2 younger sisters. They are 11 months apart and they are the ones who always got in bad fights. I was always trying to make peace between them, just like I do with my own boys now. I guess this really has nothing to do with being Irish.
Karin
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Tia Leschke
>You might consider asking them both whether the fighting andThis is how it was with my older kids. They actually got a big charge out
>jostling bothers either of them. If not, perhaps an explanation that it
>bothers YOU and a suggestion that they take it outside or at least out of
>your earshot. In other words, just don't see or hear so much!
of their bickering, *especially* when it bothered me. <g> In that case,
the best thing is to ignore it or insist that it take place elsewhere. It
*did* help a little to tell them how much it hurt me to hear someone saying
mean things to someone I loved, even if the person saying it was also
someone I loved.
Tia
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Eleanor Roosevelt
*********************************************
Tia Leschke
leschke@...
On Vancouver Island