Re: [Unschooling-dotcom] yelling/abuse
Bonni Sollars
I was raised by a controlling, emotionally and often physically abusive
mother. But did she know it? I don't think so. In fact, her older
sister was severely abusive and made my mom look like a saint. My Mom's
family was Italian and Irish, and yelling and slapping was the norm. My
Dad's family was Mexican and did not yell or slap, but had very violent
tempers. Both my parents were physically abused by one of their parents.
So, when I got married and got mad and spewed abuse, my husband turned
around and said, "I'm done." And went to the other room. I had to think
about my actions, and about how am I respecting others when I am angry.
Then I had kids, and when I was frustrated, the pitch and volume of my
voice would rise. My husband would tell me, "You're yelling." I didn't
even realize it. I used to say, "Well, I'm Italian and Mexican and
Irish. We have bad tempers. We yell, but it doesn't mean anything." It
took years for me to accept that my mother was abusive to me. I had
already known that my father was physically abusive to her, which is why
they'd divorced. So, I know what you mean about doing things without
realizing it. Fortunately, I've stopped making excuses for my
misbehavior. When I get upset, and my voice starts to become shrill, my
kids and I have a codeword which means I'm crossing the line into a
tirade and they want me to stop. It's "Peace" accompanied by the peace
sign. We talked a lot before deciding on that word. All the other words
had negative connotations for me and only fed my anger and frustration.
I have also found that it is worth the time it takes to go for a cooling
off walk before trying to communicate when I'm angry. As time goes on,
and I learn that it is not about getting control of my kids but about
listening and having a good relationship with them of respect, it is less
and less that I need the "Peace" sign. (My mom has expressed an interest
in learning new ways of relating with children after hearing about my
discoveries in this area. I won't even let her around my kids now, she's
so unstable and abusive to them.)
Bonni
mother. But did she know it? I don't think so. In fact, her older
sister was severely abusive and made my mom look like a saint. My Mom's
family was Italian and Irish, and yelling and slapping was the norm. My
Dad's family was Mexican and did not yell or slap, but had very violent
tempers. Both my parents were physically abused by one of their parents.
So, when I got married and got mad and spewed abuse, my husband turned
around and said, "I'm done." And went to the other room. I had to think
about my actions, and about how am I respecting others when I am angry.
Then I had kids, and when I was frustrated, the pitch and volume of my
voice would rise. My husband would tell me, "You're yelling." I didn't
even realize it. I used to say, "Well, I'm Italian and Mexican and
Irish. We have bad tempers. We yell, but it doesn't mean anything." It
took years for me to accept that my mother was abusive to me. I had
already known that my father was physically abusive to her, which is why
they'd divorced. So, I know what you mean about doing things without
realizing it. Fortunately, I've stopped making excuses for my
misbehavior. When I get upset, and my voice starts to become shrill, my
kids and I have a codeword which means I'm crossing the line into a
tirade and they want me to stop. It's "Peace" accompanied by the peace
sign. We talked a lot before deciding on that word. All the other words
had negative connotations for me and only fed my anger and frustration.
I have also found that it is worth the time it takes to go for a cooling
off walk before trying to communicate when I'm angry. As time goes on,
and I learn that it is not about getting control of my kids but about
listening and having a good relationship with them of respect, it is less
and less that I need the "Peace" sign. (My mom has expressed an interest
in learning new ways of relating with children after hearing about my
discoveries in this area. I won't even let her around my kids now, she's
so unstable and abusive to them.)
Bonni
Kolleen
>Bonni wrote:Bonni, what a great story! Thank you for sharing that. I really enjoyed
>It's "Peace" accompanied by the peace
>sign.
it.
And since you were raised in such an atmosphere, I even applaude you more
for 'picking' a mate that didn't allow the intergenerational dysfunction
to continue. How is it that you feel you broke that momentum?
regards,
kolleen
"People take different roads seeking
fulfillment and happiness. Just
because they're not on your road
doesn't mean they've gotten lost."
-H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
vivrh
GREAT suggestion - idea Bonnie, about the peace code word. I think I may adopt a similar strategy when I start to rant. Which I feel is toooooo often. Thanks and it is encouraging to hear someone else with a similar "issue" to mine.
God bless
Vivian
Mom to three Happy little Monkeys
Austin 10/31/93 Sarah 8/28/95 Emmalee 8/15/00
And loving wife to Randy
**If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.
-Anatole France***
God bless
Vivian
Mom to three Happy little Monkeys
Austin 10/31/93 Sarah 8/28/95 Emmalee 8/15/00
And loving wife to Randy
**If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.
-Anatole France***
----- Original Message -----
From: Bonni Sollars
To: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, March 15, 2002 7:42 AM
Subject: Re: [Unschooling-dotcom] yelling/abuse
I was raised by a controlling, emotionally and often physically abusive
mother. But did she know it? I don't think so. In fact, her older
sister was severely abusive and made my mom look like a saint. My Mom's
family was Italian and Irish, and yelling and slapping was the norm. My
Dad's family was Mexican and did not yell or slap, but had very violent
tempers. Both my parents were physically abused by one of their parents.
So, when I got married and got mad and spewed abuse, my husband turned
around and said, "I'm done." And went to the other room. I had to think
about my actions, and about how am I respecting others when I am angry.
Then I had kids, and when I was frustrated, the pitch and volume of my
voice would rise. My husband would tell me, "You're yelling." I didn't
even realize it. I used to say, "Well, I'm Italian and Mexican and
Irish. We have bad tempers. We yell, but it doesn't mean anything." It
took years for me to accept that my mother was abusive to me. I had
already known that my father was physically abusive to her, which is why
they'd divorced. So, I know what you mean about doing things without
realizing it. Fortunately, I've stopped making excuses for my
misbehavior. When I get upset, and my voice starts to become shrill, my
kids and I have a codeword which means I'm crossing the line into a
tirade and they want me to stop. It's "Peace" accompanied by the peace
sign. We talked a lot before deciding on that word. All the other words
had negative connotations for me and only fed my anger and frustration.
I have also found that it is worth the time it takes to go for a cooling
off walk before trying to communicate when I'm angry. As time goes on,
and I learn that it is not about getting control of my kids but about
listening and having a good relationship with them of respect, it is less
and less that I need the "Peace" sign. (My mom has expressed an interest
in learning new ways of relating with children after hearing about my
discoveries in this area. I won't even let her around my kids now, she's
so unstable and abusive to them.)
Bonni
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Bonni Sollars
Kolleen, I have to admit that I did not pick my husband, God did. When I
was thirteen, I prayed and gave my future to God and I listed important
things, like who I married. Then I made a deal and said, "You show me
the right way to go, and I will follow." I know that sounds silly, but
whenever I come to a crossroads in life, I get a message in my heart and
I know which road to take by it.
By the way, I chose a controlling codependent to complement my compliant
codependency:( But we are more healthy than our parents and continue to
improve and change through our life together. Whenever we disagree or
fight, I see an image of two rocks rubbing against eachother, making
sparks fly, but changing the shape of the rocks at the same time.
Thanks for the applause, though, I enjoyed it until reality set in:)
Bonni
was thirteen, I prayed and gave my future to God and I listed important
things, like who I married. Then I made a deal and said, "You show me
the right way to go, and I will follow." I know that sounds silly, but
whenever I come to a crossroads in life, I get a message in my heart and
I know which road to take by it.
By the way, I chose a controlling codependent to complement my compliant
codependency:( But we are more healthy than our parents and continue to
improve and change through our life together. Whenever we disagree or
fight, I see an image of two rocks rubbing against eachother, making
sparks fly, but changing the shape of the rocks at the same time.
Thanks for the applause, though, I enjoyed it until reality set in:)
Bonni
Tia Leschke
>By the way, I chose a controlling codependent to complement my compliantWhat a great image. It sounds like even though you fight, you manage not
>codependency:( But we are more healthy than our parents and continue to
>improve and change through our life together. Whenever we disagree or
>fight, I see an image of two rocks rubbing against eachother, making
>sparks fly, but changing the shape of the rocks at the same time.
>Thanks for the applause, though, I enjoyed it until reality set in:)
to fight in that hurtful way that destroys marriages.
Tia
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Eleanor Roosevelt
*********************************************
Tia Leschke
leschke@...
On Vancouver Island