Kolleen

>pumpkin_kisses_fall_wishes wrote:
>Frustrating is one way to put it. As I said in my previous post,
>many unschooling parents seem to have children who don't struggle
>with choice. These children always seem to peacefully and wisely
>make decisions that are in their best interests. Limits on
>television watching and video games come to mind, for instance.


I don't know if these children just 'all of a sudden' were able to handle
choices or if the parent's attitude was a major factor in this.

Its not easy taking that unschooling step into trust and then not feeling
butterflies or stress when you see your kid repeatedly do something that
YOU deem of no value.

With chores in my house, I have seen my son's room become impossible to
walk through. And it stayed like that for half a year. Not an easy task
for someone who likes things neat. But a task that I had to be up for, or
he would of never found his own limits.

My grandmother used to tell me 'kids are a lot of work'. And I know what
she means. Control and rewards are an easier way to parent, but one has
to decide if they will like the outcome.

kolleen

pumpkin_kisses_fall_wishes

After reading this board for several months, I can see that parental
attitudes go a long way toward a child developing the ability to
handle choices. I, personally, would like to see more written about
the process it took to help those kids get there - more written about
the work your Grandma talked about

rumpleteasermom

--- In Unschooling-dotcom@y..., "pumpkin_kisses_fall_wishes"
<djac99_1999@y...> wrote:
> After reading this board for several months, I can see that
parental
> attitudes go a long way toward a child developing the ability to
> handle choices. I, personally, would like to see more written
about
> the process it took to help those kids get there - more written
about
> the work your Grandma talked about

I'll give you an example from home. Rachel has depression problems
and is on Prozac. She knows she feels better when her sleep schedule
is patterned so that she is up during the day. She also knows that
if she hangs out on the computer at night starts watching tv at
night, she will be up all night. It's a pattern, she knows it, I
know it, we all know it. The last time she got into a bad pattern,
she wuld get royally mad if we left the house without her. We had
numerous discussions about the fact that it is like waking the dead
to get her up and we would give her one wake-up call and then be on
our way from then on. She now understands it is her decision to get
out of or stay in bed and has stopped going off on us if we leave
without her.
In other words, it's her choice. It does not matter if I want her up
in the morning or not. But she had to learn to live peacefully with
the consequences too. When she was going off on us for leaving her
at home, I started making her get up when we went out. When she
decided to stop getting mad at us, I started leaving her alone.

Bridget

Kolleen

>pumpkin_kisses_fall_wishes wrote:
>After reading this board for several months, I can see that parental
>attitudes go a long way toward a child developing the ability to
>handle choices. I, personally, would like to see more written about
>the process it took to help those kids get there - more written about
>the work your Grandma talked about


'Work' in the meaning that I wrote it is to be defined as 'not always
taking the easier/faster way out' of a situation.

This is most likely more physical when they are young, and more mental
when they are older.

For example: You got a load of laundry to fold. Your two year old wants
to help (at that age they all want to help!). It would, of course, be
faster if you did it yourself. But if you let your child help it, it will
be more work for you to 'refold' and to find the ones they walked away
with. But the lesson to them is worth your time and energy.

As they get older, this can mean something like 'biting your tongue' when
you pass by a messy bedroom for the 6th month in a row. Until eventually
they pull it together.

Control and rewards are by far easier for getting the desired results
that a PARENT has in mind. But they aren't the best results for a person
to become a self-assured adult.

regards,
kolleen

[email protected]

In a message dated 10/19/2002 6:20:33 AM Eastern Daylight Time,
[email protected] writes:
> Most kids don't want to hear how well they're doing at something from their
> parents, especially when they're perfectly aware that it isn't as good as
> they want it to be. Maybe you could focus more on the improvement you
> notice in her playing. Could you tape her playing regularly, so she can
> listen several months later? How do you phrase your comments about her
> playing? Do you just tell her she's doing well, or do you find specific
> things about her playing that she really *does* do well and comment on
> those?
>

That was going to be my suggestion. My son was into magic a couple of years
ago. He was incredible! But during the learning stages, he would get SOOO
frustrated. I taped him. Later when he would have a lot of trouble learning
something new, I'd play back the tape and show him how well he had mastered
some old manipulation. He could SEE the difference, because he had mastered
that particular move. It calmed him and lessened his frustrations.

Now he's skateboarding. He's having trouble with some moves. HE has taped
earlier attempts to prove to himself he was improving. It helps his OWN
feelings of insecurity as he's learning something new or more difficult.

It doesn't matter what I say---it's never quite enough. He was (is) one of
those kids that won't "do" it until he's sure he'll be able to.
(Talking/walking/reading/etc.), so we just go with the flow.

One of the hardest things about school is that they pushed before he was
ready. If they could have waited---just a day or two----he would have been
confident that it was possible and not have gotten so frustrated.

I'd recommend a tape recorder or video camera---especially for
"perfectionists".

Kelly


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]