Kolleen

>When your teen goes out on a date, unless you accompany him/her, you have NO
>CONTROL over whether they have sex or not. You can set all sorts of rules,
>but if they want to have sex, they can easily find a way. Wouldn't it be
>better to help them make good choices and lay the burden of responsibility
>on them?
>
>Leslie


I think Leslie hits the nail on the head here. It reminds me of the
saying that coming home at an *acceptable* hour doesn't indicate a more
virtuous person than coming home at the wee hours of the morning
indicates promiscuity.

Trusting your child's choices will allow them to feel secure enough to
make decent ones when they are free to choose.

regards,
kolleen

Leslie Moyer

+ Wouldn't it be better to help them make good choices and
+ lay the burden of responsibility on them?

And it's beneficial to point out, I think, that responsibility IS a burden.
If you think someone else is going to stay in control of a situation and
tell you right from wrong all the time, then you don't have to think for
yourself or figure out your own value system.

I tell my kids sometimes when they're trying to make a difficult decision
that if it is too much responsibility for them, then I will make the
decision FOR them. Not as a punishment, but as a relief from the burden.
For example, once when my son was being teased about being homeschooled on
his baseball team, we discussed his options (quitting, ignoring it,
discussing it w/ the coach, etc.) and then I expressed my confidence in his
ability to make a good decision about it. When he was still struggling with
it later, I told him that if he wanted me to make a decision for him, I
would. But he decided he could do it for himself and he did. And he
handled it better than I would have been able to.

But it is these accumulated successes that give the confidence to handle the
more difficult situations.

--Leslie Moyer