[email protected]

I am an ex-wife.
I should not write anything about the subject. But "OH PLEASE HELP!"

Or maybe it should be ex-husband. Hmmmmmmm.

The deal is this. My husband apparently needs to be perfect, in order to
see his 16 year old daughter. I am on the sideline viewing this insane
process that this woman puts him through, (or tries to put him through)
over the years I have heard the most ridiculous excuses ever.

One year she balked that he couldn't see the daughter as he had
sent a Barbie Doll, she already had gotten her.
She did show up with bells on when my husband lost his dad.
The daughter got to stay with us at the motel even!

Ok, so its pretty apparent that after all these years she is still going to
make him pay the price, by not letting him see the daughter that it
just isn't going to happen. Anyone been through this?

Sarah Carothers

This type of situation is so sad! You'd need to probably tell more to get specific suggestions but I guess I'd start with the legal issue.... does he have visitation rights that she's neglecting?
Second thought... the child is 16 so imo she has lots of freedoms to do as she pleases. I mean she's not a baby anymore and she can probably insist on seeing her Dad if she so chooses. How does SHE feel about the situation?
When was the last time they saw each other? Do they have any kind of relationship(the father and daughter) now? Has the father been trying to see her for years? If so, does the daughter know about it?
hm............ tell us more
Sarah

----- Original Message -----
From: staclarspr@...
To: [email protected]
Sent: Saturday, December 29, 2001 9:43 PM
Subject: [Unschooling-dotcom] ex-wives


I am an ex-wife.
I should not write anything about the subject. But "OH PLEASE HELP!"

Or maybe it should be ex-husband. Hmmmmmmm.

The deal is this. My husband apparently needs to be perfect, in order to
see his 16 year old daughter. I am on the sideline viewing this insane
process that this woman puts him through, (or tries to put him through)
over the years I have heard the most ridiculous excuses ever.

One year she balked that he couldn't see the daughter as he had
sent a Barbie Doll, she already had gotten her.
She did show up with bells on when my husband lost his dad.
The daughter got to stay with us at the motel even!

Ok, so its pretty apparent that after all these years she is still going to
make him pay the price, by not letting him see the daughter that it
just isn't going to happen. Anyone been through this?



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Kolleen

>staclarspr@... writes:
>The deal is this. My husband apparently needs to be perfect, in order to
>see his 16 year old daughter. I am on the sideline viewing this insane
>process that this woman puts him through, (or tries to put him through)
>over the years I have heard the most ridiculous excuses ever.

What was the divorce agreement on visiting priveleges? If it was mediated
or if it was a court battle there should of been some legally binding
agreement.

regards,
kolleen

Tia Leschke

>
>One year she balked that he couldn't see the daughter as he had
>sent a Barbie Doll, she already had gotten her.
>She did show up with bells on when my husband lost his dad.
>The daughter got to stay with us at the motel even!
>
>Ok, so its pretty apparent that after all these years she is still going to
>make him pay the price, by not letting him see the daughter that it
>just isn't going to happen. Anyone been through this?

Yup! On both sides.

When my ex and I split up, we had a verbal agreement that he would take the
older and I the younger until the younger was old enough to go back and
forth in a joint custody arrangement. Once he had our daughter, though, he
decided that he didn't want to do joint custody because it would mean
having to communicate with me too much. Instead of going straight to a
lawyer, I stupidly asked my welfare worker about it. She told me that once
he had her, I would have to prove him an unfit parent to get her back. He
was perfectly willing to sacrifice time with Noah over the years in order
to keep me from seeing Heather any more than he had to let me. He used to
pick horrible battles with me in front of the kids before I learned which
buttons he was pushing and managed to disconnect them.

He forced me to put Noah back in school after I homeschooled him for a year
and a half. I was 8 months pregnant and Noah didn't want me to fight
anymore. A year after that, he moved in with his dad, since he had to go
to school anyway. (I had stupidly thought that a new baby, going back to
school, and having his step-sister with us full time for the first time
would be easy for him to manage....big oops.) At that time, I told both
the kids that they could come and see me whenever they wanted. They just
had to arrange it with their dad. (They were living about half an hour
away from me.) Taking myself out of the picture made it much easier for
them to negotiate with their dad for time with me. As they moved into and
through their teens, they gradually started just making their own plans for
visiting me.

My husband had similar difficulties with his ex. When they were about to
split up, he took his daughter camping for a couple of weeks. He told his
ex what he was doing and when he'd be back, but she went to court and lied,
saying that he abducted Emily. When he came back, she told him about a
court hearing too late for him to attend. We used to have to take Emily
back to her mother's house screaming that she didn't want to go see her
mummy. It was awful. The year Emily was starting kindergarten, she was
supposed to come and live with us for the year. I had taken her to the
kindergarten get acquainted day in the spring, and she was all set to start
school here. The night before school started, her mother took her for
dinner to her mother's house. At least that's what she said she was
doing. Actually she took her back to her own house, then called to say
that she'd changed her mind and Emily would be staying there that year. We
didn't get her full time until grade 3. The hassles went on for years like
that.

To help at all with your situation, we'd need to know things like how far
away the girl lives, whether she's allowed to call when she wants to, how
much time she actually does spend with her dad, stuff like that. Obviously
it's harder to arrange if the girl lives far away. If she's close and
she's 16, I would tell her to come when she wants to, that she's welcome
any time, and let her work it out with her mother. Even if she lives
farther away, it could still work out. Most 16 year olds wouldn't put up
with that unless the mother has poisoned the girl's mind against him. If
she has, about the only thing he can do is to keep trying to be in touch
with her, including letting her know that she can phone collect anytime and
visit whenever her mother lets her.

If he doesn't put his ex down in front of the girl, and makes efforts to
stay in touch with her, I think his daughter is likely to end up reasonably
close to her once she's grown. I know that all that poisoning my ex did to
my relationship with Heather has backfired on him big time. She and I are
really close, and she's very close to shutting him out of her life yet
again. (He's trying to pull something very similar with my granddaughter now.)

I hope some of this helps. Ask away if you have more questions.
Tia

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Eleanor Roosevelt
*********************************************
Tia Leschke
leschke@...
On Vancouver Island

[email protected]

In a message dated 12/29/01 9:25:12 PM Central Standard Time,
puddles@... writes:


> This type of situation is so sad! You'd need to probably tell more to get
> specific suggestions but I guess I'd start with the legal issue.... does he
> have visitation rights that she's neglecting?
>
> In our state they have come up with "reasonable visitation" which means
> just that. lol if the ex feels reasonable, than by all means. Its actually
> a big
joke, and if you don't have the money to fight it in court, you might as well
forget about it.

> You are right about the daughter being 16, yes, she should have some rights
> I for one couldn't go through the hassle and begging that mine would do at
> that
> age. She is about 200 miles away. My husband had offered to pick her up
> and drop her off back at home.I also have found out that my father-in -law
> until his death had been funding the ex-wife and her husband quite well.
> Monthly payments. Wow, wasn't that nice. Not only did they get the
> child support, they also got fun money as well.
> Ok, so I am venting. Sorry to say this but my husband has torn himself
> apart
> over this year after year. I have told him that since his ex has done so
> much
> damage to the daugher and him, that letting go might be whats needed until
> things change or his daughter reaches 18.



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Sarah Carothers

<Sorry to say this but my husband has torn himself
> apart
> over this year after year. I have told him that since his ex has done so
> much
> damage to the daugher and him, that letting go might be whats needed until
> things change or his daughter reaches 18.>

You're probably right. If your dh could possibly let this teen *know* that he loves her but can't get *to* her, putting the blame where it really should be, maybe that will set up the relationship for some future reconciliation????
Sarah



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]