Getting it right for the kids sake
[email protected]
*** But, without looking very deeply into the
particular practices of this
specific company, we suspect it's doing things we
wouldn't choose to do on
our own. Our son will eventually pick up on our
ambivalence, if we don't
change something, and will be disappointed in
us.***
Here's my disclaimer: I don't say this to pick at you but to make a
distinction that has been valuable for me in my own life and my
parenting.
It was a major turning point for me in my life and my relationship with
my children when I dropped the *for the children* shoulds and went back
to making my decisions in a broader because-it's-what-I-think-is-right
sort of way, rather than because-it's-what-I-think-is-right-for-the-
kids sort of way. I hope it's obvious that since I love my children and
try to live consciously, the welfare of my children is inherently part
of any grander scheme.
I needed to live my own life with passion and attention and intention.
What my children needed (and this is an evolution--the balance
continues to shift as they grow) was to see me actively living my life,
guided by my own lights...and to have the freedom to do the same. One
side of the equation wasn't as good as attending to both. Of course
they also need me to value them, to be available and involved with
them, and in communication with them.
One of the problems with trying to be a perfect parent was that no
matter what I did, something would fall by the wayside. No matter what
choices I made, there would be something I could look at in hindsight
and wonder how I might have been able to make a choice that had as many
good consequences and fewer bad ones. It left me spending too much
time ruminating about my current choices without actually making as
many, and as a consequence it was harder to enjoy life in the present
and plan for the future. I was stuck in neutral trying to figure out
the harmless choice that would propel us all forward.
*That* was awful modeling for my children, I see in hindsight. ROFL.
Didn't say I was completely cured. :-D It was more likely to put them
in a very cautious mindset, trying very hard not to make their own
mistakes, that may not actually be the best context in which to live
their lives. On the other hand, it may have been perfect in its time.
;-) They aren't particularly screwed up, and are, in fact, magnificent
in their own individual ways. For now, I'm focused in living the best
life I can because it's my responsibility. Not my responsibility as a
parent, but as a human being.
No matter what we do, we will disappoint our children sometimes. No
matter what we do, we will be able to look at their lives and wonder if
we could have spared them this or that. I found that for me, it was
hopeless to try to eliminate that possibility. That mindset had me
focusing in small ways that often missed more important issues. It's
made all the difference in the world to just get back to living the
life *I* need to live.
If the game of life is fair at all, doing that will suit their needs
too. If it's not, trying to parent perfectly will backfire anyway.
Inexplicably, I think both statements are true.
Ambivalence isn't a bad thing for children to experience...it's part of
life, inevitable for thinking, feeling people. It's important for them
to be aware of it, to understand how to receive the gifts it carries,
and learn to move anyway. I think what is detrimental for children,
adults, and the world, is when ambivalence becomes a constant,
predominant state that limits us. That's what I always think of when
Jewel sings, "I won't be idle with despair."
Genie, lover of paradox
particular practices of this
specific company, we suspect it's doing things we
wouldn't choose to do on
our own. Our son will eventually pick up on our
ambivalence, if we don't
change something, and will be disappointed in
us.***
Here's my disclaimer: I don't say this to pick at you but to make a
distinction that has been valuable for me in my own life and my
parenting.
It was a major turning point for me in my life and my relationship with
my children when I dropped the *for the children* shoulds and went back
to making my decisions in a broader because-it's-what-I-think-is-right
sort of way, rather than because-it's-what-I-think-is-right-for-the-
kids sort of way. I hope it's obvious that since I love my children and
try to live consciously, the welfare of my children is inherently part
of any grander scheme.
I needed to live my own life with passion and attention and intention.
What my children needed (and this is an evolution--the balance
continues to shift as they grow) was to see me actively living my life,
guided by my own lights...and to have the freedom to do the same. One
side of the equation wasn't as good as attending to both. Of course
they also need me to value them, to be available and involved with
them, and in communication with them.
One of the problems with trying to be a perfect parent was that no
matter what I did, something would fall by the wayside. No matter what
choices I made, there would be something I could look at in hindsight
and wonder how I might have been able to make a choice that had as many
good consequences and fewer bad ones. It left me spending too much
time ruminating about my current choices without actually making as
many, and as a consequence it was harder to enjoy life in the present
and plan for the future. I was stuck in neutral trying to figure out
the harmless choice that would propel us all forward.
*That* was awful modeling for my children, I see in hindsight. ROFL.
Didn't say I was completely cured. :-D It was more likely to put them
in a very cautious mindset, trying very hard not to make their own
mistakes, that may not actually be the best context in which to live
their lives. On the other hand, it may have been perfect in its time.
;-) They aren't particularly screwed up, and are, in fact, magnificent
in their own individual ways. For now, I'm focused in living the best
life I can because it's my responsibility. Not my responsibility as a
parent, but as a human being.
No matter what we do, we will disappoint our children sometimes. No
matter what we do, we will be able to look at their lives and wonder if
we could have spared them this or that. I found that for me, it was
hopeless to try to eliminate that possibility. That mindset had me
focusing in small ways that often missed more important issues. It's
made all the difference in the world to just get back to living the
life *I* need to live.
If the game of life is fair at all, doing that will suit their needs
too. If it's not, trying to parent perfectly will backfire anyway.
Inexplicably, I think both statements are true.
Ambivalence isn't a bad thing for children to experience...it's part of
life, inevitable for thinking, feeling people. It's important for them
to be aware of it, to understand how to receive the gifts it carries,
and learn to move anyway. I think what is detrimental for children,
adults, and the world, is when ambivalence becomes a constant,
predominant state that limits us. That's what I always think of when
Jewel sings, "I won't be idle with despair."
Genie, lover of paradox
Bridget
Genie,
I really like what you say here. had a lot of medical problems that
forced my girls to learn household responsibility. I had to work
through a certain amount of guilt at the time, but I realize with
hindsight that the experiences have made them much stronger people
and taught them that life does not always go the way you want it to.
Of course, my medical problems were a lot of the reason why we
unschooled from nearly the start of our departure from the public
school system 7 years ago. I was flat on my back for about half of
that first school year. Now, we don't even count schoolyears (they
just have ages) but it was a conflict with me then. I would have let
go of it eventually, but the illness made it happen a lot faster.
But it also made me realize that even though I had a responsibility
to my kids, I also had one to myself.
Bridget
I really like what you say here. had a lot of medical problems that
forced my girls to learn household responsibility. I had to work
through a certain amount of guilt at the time, but I realize with
hindsight that the experiences have made them much stronger people
and taught them that life does not always go the way you want it to.
Of course, my medical problems were a lot of the reason why we
unschooled from nearly the start of our departure from the public
school system 7 years ago. I was flat on my back for about half of
that first school year. Now, we don't even count schoolyears (they
just have ages) but it was a conflict with me then. I would have let
go of it eventually, but the illness made it happen a lot faster.
But it also made me realize that even though I had a responsibility
to my kids, I also had one to myself.
Bridget
--- In Unschooling-dotcom@y..., geniem@m... wrote:
[snip]
> I needed to live my own life with passion and attention and
intention.
> What my children needed (and this is an evolution--the balance
> continues to shift as they grow) was to see me actively living my
life,
> guided by my own lights...and to have the freedom to do the same.
One
> side of the equation wasn't as good as attending to both. Of
course
> they also need me to value them, to be available and involved with
> them, and in communication with them.
>
[snip]
> Genie, lover of paradox
[email protected]
In a message dated 11/24/2001 9:37:55 AM Eastern Standard Time,
geniem@... writes:
because it can't exitst without it. :)
lovemary
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
geniem@... writes:
> I think what is detrimental for children,Excellent post Genie. . . if you love life, you must also love paradox,
> adults, and the world, is when ambivalence becomes a constant,
> predominant state that limits us. That's what I always think of when
> Jewel sings, "I won't be idle with despair."
>
> Genie, lover of paradox
>
because it can't exitst without it. :)
lovemary
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]