What we say to anyone who criticizes our values
Kathy
Hi y'all,
The holidays are just one of many times that we all run into the
critics. People who are not happy unless you are exactly like them, yet
complain how miserable they are. People who never
listened, or saw any thing that's different as real. I've seen many
suggestions on and off the list about how to deal with them, but none
yet have seemed to address why they do it, or why we
feel a need to defend ourselves.
For me, any kind of comeback that's hurtful, rude, smarty, just smiling
and ignoring, or makes the other person feel like they've hit your
nerve and put you on the defensive, is
counterproductive to your cause. (Of course all families are different
and what might be seen as rude to one is just humor to another. I mean
something that you know that the other person will
take as flippancy or rudeness)
I think what anytime people criticize you it's not about you at all.
It's always really all about them. It's about how they feel about what
you're doing. Treat it as though it was their problem
because it is only theirs. Yeah, it feels like a problem for you when
they start in again, trying to get a reaction. Try not to take it on as
your own. Nobody can make you feel bad without your
consent. I don't mean you have to ignore them, but you don't have to
play by their rules either. Maybe there is no magic phrase to use, but
if you are feeling different about the whole concept
of criticism it can change what you do say and do about it.
When others have a problem with what I'm doing, I might say again
nicely that "We are having a fine time and the unschooling (or
whatever) is really working for us". I won't go on the
defensive, because that puts them in control of the situation. Their
feelings are real, but they are not about anything you are doing. They
are all about what they've done, and experienced in
their own life. Anything you say or do will always be filtered through
their own experiences. That's why their problem with what you do can
only belong to them.
Gotta get going now. Just a start of a new thought, what do you all
think?
Kathy B.
on the outside her whole life and enjoying the great outdoors.
The holidays are just one of many times that we all run into the
critics. People who are not happy unless you are exactly like them, yet
complain how miserable they are. People who never
listened, or saw any thing that's different as real. I've seen many
suggestions on and off the list about how to deal with them, but none
yet have seemed to address why they do it, or why we
feel a need to defend ourselves.
For me, any kind of comeback that's hurtful, rude, smarty, just smiling
and ignoring, or makes the other person feel like they've hit your
nerve and put you on the defensive, is
counterproductive to your cause. (Of course all families are different
and what might be seen as rude to one is just humor to another. I mean
something that you know that the other person will
take as flippancy or rudeness)
I think what anytime people criticize you it's not about you at all.
It's always really all about them. It's about how they feel about what
you're doing. Treat it as though it was their problem
because it is only theirs. Yeah, it feels like a problem for you when
they start in again, trying to get a reaction. Try not to take it on as
your own. Nobody can make you feel bad without your
consent. I don't mean you have to ignore them, but you don't have to
play by their rules either. Maybe there is no magic phrase to use, but
if you are feeling different about the whole concept
of criticism it can change what you do say and do about it.
When others have a problem with what I'm doing, I might say again
nicely that "We are having a fine time and the unschooling (or
whatever) is really working for us". I won't go on the
defensive, because that puts them in control of the situation. Their
feelings are real, but they are not about anything you are doing. They
are all about what they've done, and experienced in
their own life. Anything you say or do will always be filtered through
their own experiences. That's why their problem with what you do can
only belong to them.
Gotta get going now. Just a start of a new thought, what do you all
think?
Kathy B.
on the outside her whole life and enjoying the great outdoors.
[email protected]
In a message dated 11/21/01 7:42:43 AM Eastern Standard Time,
laurawilder82@... writes:
<< Anything you say or do will always be filtered through
their own experiences. That's why their problem with what you do can
only belong to them.
Gotta get going now. Just a start of a new thought, what do you all
think?
we homeschool, as if they see an implied criticism of their schooling choice
(which is usually public school.) Interestingly, it is the folks whose kids
are in public school, not private or charter, that seem the most defensive.
Amy
Amy Kagey in NW Ohio
<A HREF="http://www.ubah.com/ecommerce/default.asp?sid=Z0939&gid=85215">
Usborne Books</A>
make great Christmas gifts!
(www.ubah.com/z0939)
laurawilder82@... writes:
<< Anything you say or do will always be filtered through
their own experiences. That's why their problem with what you do can
only belong to them.
Gotta get going now. Just a start of a new thought, what do you all
think?
>>I agree with this. I have found many people who get very defensive when I say
we homeschool, as if they see an implied criticism of their schooling choice
(which is usually public school.) Interestingly, it is the folks whose kids
are in public school, not private or charter, that seem the most defensive.
Amy
Amy Kagey in NW Ohio
<A HREF="http://www.ubah.com/ecommerce/default.asp?sid=Z0939&gid=85215">
Usborne Books</A>
make great Christmas gifts!
(www.ubah.com/z0939)
[email protected]
Kathy,
I agree with you 100% . . . and I also think, misguided though it may be,
people think they are really trying to help you. I guess there can be such a
variety of reasons why relatives and others make these types of comments
ranging from jealousy, longing, pain from their own experience, etc. I do
think all of it stems from fear. Basically I think our emotions come from two
places. . . fear or love, and unfortunately lots of times people are living
in a place of fear, ergo all the control.
I do like your suggestions of remaining clear of purpoes in our conversations
with loved ones, and not getting into their fear, etc. because it is really
about them as you said.
lovemary
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I agree with you 100% . . . and I also think, misguided though it may be,
people think they are really trying to help you. I guess there can be such a
variety of reasons why relatives and others make these types of comments
ranging from jealousy, longing, pain from their own experience, etc. I do
think all of it stems from fear. Basically I think our emotions come from two
places. . . fear or love, and unfortunately lots of times people are living
in a place of fear, ergo all the control.
I do like your suggestions of remaining clear of purpoes in our conversations
with loved ones, and not getting into their fear, etc. because it is really
about them as you said.
lovemary
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Kathy
Hi Lovemary,
thanks for the added thoughs. I agree that some people may think they
are trying to help you. I believe that they are really trying to ease
their own discomfort without realising it.
Kathy B.
thanks for the added thoughs. I agree that some people may think they
are trying to help you. I believe that they are really trying to ease
their own discomfort without realising it.
Kathy B.
--- In Unschooling-dotcom@y..., lite2yu@a... wrote:
> Kathy,
>
> I agree with you 100% . . . and I also think, misguided though it may be,
> people think they are really trying to help you. I guess there can be such a
> variety of reasons why relatives and others make these types of comments
> ranging from jealousy, longing, pain from their own experience, etc. I do
> think all of it stems from fear. Basically I think our emotions come from two
> places. . . fear or love, and unfortunately lots of times people are living
> in a place of fear, ergo all the control.
>
> I do like your suggestions of remaining clear of purpoes in our conversations
> with loved ones, and not getting into their fear, etc. because it is really
> about them as you said.
>
> lovemary
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Kathy
sorry I meant to say added "thoughts". "thoughs" makes no sense. that's
what i get for typing with a 4y on my lap. gotta go. time to go play.
KB
what i get for typing with a 4y on my lap. gotta go. time to go play.
KB
--- In Unschooling-dotcom@y..., "Kathy" <laurawilder82@y...> wrote:
> Hi Lovemary,
>
> thanks for the added thoughs. I agree that some people may think they
> are trying to help you. I believe that they are really trying to ease
> their own discomfort without realising it.
>
> Kathy B.
>
>
>
>
>
>
> --- In Unschooling-dotcom@y..., lite2yu@a... wrote:
> > Kathy,
> >
> > I agree with you 100% . . . and I also think, misguided though it may be,
> > people think they are really trying to help you. I guess there can be such a
> > variety of reasons why relatives and others make these types of comments
> > ranging from jealousy, longing, pain from their own experience, etc. I do
> > think all of it stems from fear. Basically I think our emotions come from two
> > places. . . fear or love, and unfortunately lots of times people are living
> > in a place of fear, ergo all the control.
> >
> > I do like your suggestions of remaining clear of purpoes in our conversations
> > with loved ones, and not getting into their fear, etc. because it is really
> > about them as you said.
> >
> > lovemary
> >
> >
> > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Kathy
--- In Unschooling-dotcom@y..., amycats2@a... wrote:
school folks who say they could never homeschool, and then proceed to
complain about how much trouble their school is. How their child is
miserable, how unfair the teacher or other kids are, how stifling, on
and on. They say they could never homeschool because (choose one or all
of the following:) they're not organized enough, coundn't work that
hard, that they don't know enough, that the kids need socializing, or
(the saddest "reason" of all) that they couldn't stand being around
their kids that much. I do mention that I am not really that organized,
and that I find unschooling much easier that fighting a system. Mostly
I just say that the real beauty of homeschooling is that you can work
it out to fit your own families needs, and do what's best the way you
see it. Change things around to use what works and throw out what
doesn't work. It's so flexible, and very individual. Sometimes I get in
a word about a new version of socialization too.
I think many people are afraid of the idea that they alone would be
responsible for teaching their kids everything. I tell them it dosn't
really have to be like that. I am learning with my kids, and they are
part of the process.
anyway I'm rambling again.
Kathy B.
> In a message dated 11/21/01 7:42:43 AM Eastern Standard Time,That sounds similar to my experience. I also have run into many public
> laurawilder82@y... writes:
>
> << Anything you say or do will always be filtered through
> their own experiences. That's why their problem with what you do can
> only belong to them.
>
> Gotta get going now. Just a start of a new thought, what do you all
> think?
> >>
> I agree with this. I have found many people who get very defensive when I say
> we homeschool, as if they see an implied criticism of their schooling choice
> (which is usually public school.) Interestingly, it is the folks whose kids
> are in public school, not private or charter, that seem the most defensive.
> Amy
> Amy Kagey in NW Ohio
school folks who say they could never homeschool, and then proceed to
complain about how much trouble their school is. How their child is
miserable, how unfair the teacher or other kids are, how stifling, on
and on. They say they could never homeschool because (choose one or all
of the following:) they're not organized enough, coundn't work that
hard, that they don't know enough, that the kids need socializing, or
(the saddest "reason" of all) that they couldn't stand being around
their kids that much. I do mention that I am not really that organized,
and that I find unschooling much easier that fighting a system. Mostly
I just say that the real beauty of homeschooling is that you can work
it out to fit your own families needs, and do what's best the way you
see it. Change things around to use what works and throw out what
doesn't work. It's so flexible, and very individual. Sometimes I get in
a word about a new version of socialization too.
I think many people are afraid of the idea that they alone would be
responsible for teaching their kids everything. I tell them it dosn't
really have to be like that. I am learning with my kids, and they are
part of the process.
anyway I'm rambling again.
Kathy B.
Tia Leschke
...Good stuff snipped
time as to respond with something like, "So, I guess school works really
well for your kids, eh?"
Tia
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Eleanor Roosevelt
*********************************************
Tia Leschke
leschke@...
On Vancouver Island
>When others have a problem with what I'm doing, I might say againI quite agree with you. Good points. I think I might even go so far next
>nicely that "We are having a fine time and the unschooling (or
>whatever) is really working for us". I won't go on the
>defensive, because that puts them in control of the situation. Their
>feelings are real, but they are not about anything you are doing. They
>are all about what they've done, and experienced in
>their own life. Anything you say or do will always be filtered through
>their own experiences. That's why their problem with what you do can
>only belong to them.
>
>Gotta get going now. Just a start of a new thought, what do you all
>think?
time as to respond with something like, "So, I guess school works really
well for your kids, eh?"
Tia
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Eleanor Roosevelt
*********************************************
Tia Leschke
leschke@...
On Vancouver Island