Re: Control causing medical conditions
Joseph Fuerst
>> It can be, if their medical problems ARE all caused by controlConstipation in children who were force potty trained is a common one --
> issues and
>> the person in question is ready to hear that.
>
> Give me an example or two of a medical problem caused by a control
> issue.
often quite bad constipation, sometimes requiring (at that point) medical
intervention.
Bladder infections in children in school denied the right to use the
bathroom as often as they need to.
Those are two that spring immediately to mind.
Pam
PLEASE NOTE that constipation and bladder infections are often precluded by
medical conditions.....while attempting parental controls would certainly
aggravate this; often the cause is medically related.
Susan, been-there-and-done-that with a child.....and no, "control" is not
in anywayshapeorform part of my or my partners parenting philosophy.
[email protected]
<< > Give me an example or two of a medical problem caused by a control
disapproval, criticism, pressure.
That's one of my main reasons for NOT doing the traditional food controls.
My kids aren't required to taste anything they don't want to taste.
They never have to clean their plates.
They can eat between meals.
They can always have something else and are never told "If you don't like
this, you can go to bed hungry."
They have never been dessert-trained (eat this and you can have cake); never.
(My mother-in-law was surprised when she tried it and they ate a fair amount
of the regular food and then didn't want the dessert. And another time, at
her house, she told Marty, who was three or four, that since he hadn't
finished his plate, he couldn't have the dessert, which was a tiny portion of
carrot pudding, and I said "Marty, you can have mine," and pushed it right
over to him and he ate it. I never even bothered to look at the mother in
law who criticizes us for buying whole milk instead of skim, for using butter
instead of margarine, and for not depriving our kids to teach them to endure
hardship.)
My mother-in-law's way did not work. It didn't earn her her desired results,
and her sons have bad memories of food issues in that house. They learned to
get jobs and eat elsewhere, and be dishonest about that fact, because she
wouldn't feed them between meals, she controlled portions, and shamed people
constantly.
I read, years ago in Mothering Magazine, an article about a family that
allowed choices of foods. It was a more limited situation than mine, but the
author's point was that children will come to their own balance. That has
been true with my kids, and other families I've talked to who have done the
same things.
Sandra
> issue. >>Lots of eating disorders seem to trace back to too much parental control,
disapproval, criticism, pressure.
That's one of my main reasons for NOT doing the traditional food controls.
My kids aren't required to taste anything they don't want to taste.
They never have to clean their plates.
They can eat between meals.
They can always have something else and are never told "If you don't like
this, you can go to bed hungry."
They have never been dessert-trained (eat this and you can have cake); never.
(My mother-in-law was surprised when she tried it and they ate a fair amount
of the regular food and then didn't want the dessert. And another time, at
her house, she told Marty, who was three or four, that since he hadn't
finished his plate, he couldn't have the dessert, which was a tiny portion of
carrot pudding, and I said "Marty, you can have mine," and pushed it right
over to him and he ate it. I never even bothered to look at the mother in
law who criticizes us for buying whole milk instead of skim, for using butter
instead of margarine, and for not depriving our kids to teach them to endure
hardship.)
My mother-in-law's way did not work. It didn't earn her her desired results,
and her sons have bad memories of food issues in that house. They learned to
get jobs and eat elsewhere, and be dishonest about that fact, because she
wouldn't feed them between meals, she controlled portions, and shamed people
constantly.
I read, years ago in Mothering Magazine, an article about a family that
allowed choices of foods. It was a more limited situation than mine, but the
author's point was that children will come to their own balance. That has
been true with my kids, and other families I've talked to who have done the
same things.
Sandra
[email protected]
<< > Give me an example or two of a medical problem caused by a control
And I should mention mental health problems and death.
I have a friend who didn't grow up from parental bullshit. She would rather
be dead than there.
(Another friend killed himself too, but that wasn't about homelife.)
> issue. >>Oh...
And I should mention mental health problems and death.
I have a friend who didn't grow up from parental bullshit. She would rather
be dead than there.
(Another friend killed himself too, but that wasn't about homelife.)
Tia Leschke
>I hope you didn't think that Pam was saying that *all* childhood
>Constipation in children who were force potty trained is a common one --
>often quite bad constipation, sometimes requiring (at that point) medical
>intervention.
>
>Bladder infections in children in school denied the right to use the
>bathroom as often as they need to.
>
>Those are two that spring immediately to mind.
>
>Pam
>
>PLEASE NOTE that constipation and bladder infections are often precluded by
>medical conditions.....while attempting parental controls would certainly
>aggravate this; often the cause is medically related.
>Susan, been-there-and-done-that with a child.....and no, "control" is not
>in anywayshapeorform part of my or my partners parenting philosophy.
constipation is caused by control, only that overly strict toilet training
*can* cause serious constipation. Obviously there are a lot of reasons for
a child becoming seriously constipated.
Tia
Tia Leschke leschke@...
On Vancouver Island
**************************************************************************
It is the answers which separate us, the questions which unite us. - Janice
Levy
[email protected]
In a message dated 11/18/01 11:47:16 AM US Eastern Standard Time,
SandraDodd@... writes:
soda pop. For a long time I thought it was an addiction. I go long periods
without it, but then start drinking it again, day and night. Yes caffeine is
addictive, but I never drink coffee or tea, and never just horde chocolate.
Soda pop was 'for grown ups' when I was a kid. It was rationed out, we had to
ask for it and were often refused, we had to prepare it for our parents. Or
we'd get it as a treat if we were ill (go figure) or had gotten hurt. My
sister also clings near to her pepsi at all times.
Immature yes, but I still feel like I'm exercising my freedom and autonomy
when I buy and drink pop.
Brenda
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
SandraDodd@... writes:
> << > Give me an example or two of a medical problem caused by a controlI am 28, have lived away from home since 18, and still struggle with drinking
> > issue. >>
>
> Lots of eating disorders seem to trace back to too much parental control,
> disapproval, criticism, pressure.
>
soda pop. For a long time I thought it was an addiction. I go long periods
without it, but then start drinking it again, day and night. Yes caffeine is
addictive, but I never drink coffee or tea, and never just horde chocolate.
Soda pop was 'for grown ups' when I was a kid. It was rationed out, we had to
ask for it and were often refused, we had to prepare it for our parents. Or
we'd get it as a treat if we were ill (go figure) or had gotten hurt. My
sister also clings near to her pepsi at all times.
Immature yes, but I still feel like I'm exercising my freedom and autonomy
when I buy and drink pop.
Brenda
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Tia Leschke
>I can sure agree with this. My older son was a sickly toddler, and even
>Lots of eating disorders seem to trace back to too much parental control,
>disapproval, criticism, pressure.
though I had vowed never to control my kids' eating, I sincerely believed
that he would be healthier if he ate better. So I pushed and prodded and
even forced at one point. (He didn't eat for 3 days once, rather than eat
something with vegetables.) I finally wised up and left him to it. Of all
the kids, Noah is the adult with the absolute worst eating habits. I've
learned my lesson well.
On the other hand, I'd probably do things differently if there were serious
allergies in any of my kids.
Tia
What you think of me is none of my business.
*********************************************************
Tia Leschke leschke@...
On Vancouver Island
Elizabeth Hill
SandraDodd@... wrote:
animal has to be deprived of food enough to want it badly.
(I'm not recommending it!)
Betsy
>This almost sounds like animal training. For food rewards to work as a motivator, the
> My mother-in-law's way did not work. It didn't earn her her desired results,
> and her sons have bad memories of food issues in that house. They learned to
> get jobs and eat elsewhere, and be dishonest about that fact, because she
> wouldn't feed them between meals, she controlled portions, and shamed people
> constantly.
animal has to be deprived of food enough to want it badly.
(I'm not recommending it!)
Betsy
[email protected]
, but the
here, my son is more likely to eat fruit. There have been days when he
snarfed a lot of "junk" foods, and more days when he turns it down.
Experts have been telling moms for years that kids "need" limits. They
are can only feel truly safe and loved when they have limits. That can
be hard to get past.
I believe moms can know their kids very well. I also have seen plenty of
moms who just think they do. Maybe a kid gets grumpy if he watches TV
all day. But maybe he's grumpy because he didn't get anything to eat.
Maybe he didn't feel good in the first place and that's why he chose to
sit and watch TV. Maybe he chose TV because he couldn't think of
something else and he's grumpy because he's frustrated. Maybe he's
grumpy because mom keeps saying "are you just going to sit there all
day??" I think it's easy to assume it's the TV because after all, we
all *know* TV is bad for kids!( they need limits!) On an unschooling
list, I don't see the harm in asking, - are you sure it was the TV--
maybe you didn't think of this other reason.
I also know, when our decisions are questioned all the time, it's easy
to become defensive. Many of us have friends, family members and even
partners who don't support our choice to unschool. One more person
asking a question can feel like an attack, when it was really just meant
to be a question, something to consider.
No matter what anyone on this list, or anywhere else, says or thinks or
implies, we all still have the ability to make our own decisions.
Controlling kids is a huge issue. Some people use their religion as an
excuse, some people just like the power, some people just never think
about it. Telling someone else what to do, what to think, what to eat,
what to wear, how to behave--these are control issues. Questioning them
seems appropriate on an unschooling list.
I know this one true thing. My own son is delighted to be alive. He's
happy to be a kid. He has no issues, no problems. He is free to make
his own choices.
When someone says their child is unhappy or unhealthy, I know there
could be a million reasons for it, but I've seen so many examples of the
reason being control of the child's life by the parent.
Deb L
> author's point was that children will come to their own balance.This is true in our house as well. Though we have sweets and snacks
> That has
> been true with my kids, and other families I've talked to who have
> done the
> same things.
>
> Sandra
here, my son is more likely to eat fruit. There have been days when he
snarfed a lot of "junk" foods, and more days when he turns it down.
Experts have been telling moms for years that kids "need" limits. They
are can only feel truly safe and loved when they have limits. That can
be hard to get past.
I believe moms can know their kids very well. I also have seen plenty of
moms who just think they do. Maybe a kid gets grumpy if he watches TV
all day. But maybe he's grumpy because he didn't get anything to eat.
Maybe he didn't feel good in the first place and that's why he chose to
sit and watch TV. Maybe he chose TV because he couldn't think of
something else and he's grumpy because he's frustrated. Maybe he's
grumpy because mom keeps saying "are you just going to sit there all
day??" I think it's easy to assume it's the TV because after all, we
all *know* TV is bad for kids!( they need limits!) On an unschooling
list, I don't see the harm in asking, - are you sure it was the TV--
maybe you didn't think of this other reason.
I also know, when our decisions are questioned all the time, it's easy
to become defensive. Many of us have friends, family members and even
partners who don't support our choice to unschool. One more person
asking a question can feel like an attack, when it was really just meant
to be a question, something to consider.
No matter what anyone on this list, or anywhere else, says or thinks or
implies, we all still have the ability to make our own decisions.
Controlling kids is a huge issue. Some people use their religion as an
excuse, some people just like the power, some people just never think
about it. Telling someone else what to do, what to think, what to eat,
what to wear, how to behave--these are control issues. Questioning them
seems appropriate on an unschooling list.
I know this one true thing. My own son is delighted to be alive. He's
happy to be a kid. He has no issues, no problems. He is free to make
his own choices.
When someone says their child is unhappy or unhealthy, I know there
could be a million reasons for it, but I've seen so many examples of the
reason being control of the child's life by the parent.
Deb L
Bridget
--- In Unschooling-dotcom@y..., ddzimlew@j... wrote:
currently unhealthy but not unhappy. My kids have lots of problems
from allergies to depression but they are happy. Even when she is
having trouble with her depression meds, Rachel is not unhappy.
I also think some of the problems here have been caused by people
assuming that unhealthy meant unhappy and answering questions and
responding to posts as if the two go hand in hand and can never
appear alone.
I have met lots of kids who are being warped by a control freak
parent. I've met kids warped by neglect. I would, however, never
dream of telling someone on this list that they are a bad parent.
And I don't think anyone else should either, but they do.
Bridget
> When someone says their child is unhappy or unhealthy, I know thereof the
> could be a million reasons for it, but I've seen so many examples
> reason being control of the child's life by the parent.I think there is a big different between unhappy and unhealthy. I am
>
> Deb L
currently unhealthy but not unhappy. My kids have lots of problems
from allergies to depression but they are happy. Even when she is
having trouble with her depression meds, Rachel is not unhappy.
I also think some of the problems here have been caused by people
assuming that unhealthy meant unhappy and answering questions and
responding to posts as if the two go hand in hand and can never
appear alone.
I have met lots of kids who are being warped by a control freak
parent. I've met kids warped by neglect. I would, however, never
dream of telling someone on this list that they are a bad parent.
And I don't think anyone else should either, but they do.
Bridget
Vicki A. Dennis
would, however, never
and, in my experience and perceptions, more accurate.
Vicki
> dream of telling someone on this list that they are a bad parent.Leaving off the last three words would make your statement both more acceptable
> And I don't think anyone else should either, but they do.
>
> Bridget
>
and, in my experience and perceptions, more accurate.
Vicki
Alan Moorehead
Tia Leschke wrote:
As the daughter of an extremely controlling mother I can say that many
years of constipation can be a result for the child. This is my
personal experience. As an adult, my bowel movements are just fine
(LOL). I have kept my distance from my mother for many years. I find I
do much better emotionally and physically (in that order!).
Please note: In no way would I ever suggest that constipation is only
caused by parental control issues. I'm sure there are many different
medical reasons that would cause constipation. One reason, I have
personal experience with. One of my sons is a Juvenile Diabetic.
Constipation is a sign of dehydration which is a sympton of Juvenile
Diabetes. Once the diagnosis was made, on his first birthday, and he
started his insulin injections, his constipation went away. So, my
advice to any parent whose child suffers from constipation is to have
that child's blood sugar tested immediately. Juvenile Diabetes is a
serious hereditary disease which should not be ignored.
Mimi
>Hi Everyone,
> >
> >Constipation in children who were force potty trained is a common one
> --
> >often quite bad constipation, sometimes requiring (at that point)
> medical
> >intervention.
> >
> >Bladder infections in children in school denied the right to use the
> >bathroom as often as they need to.
> >
> >Those are two that spring immediately to mind.
> >
> >Pam
> >
> >PLEASE NOTE that constipation and bladder infections are often
> precluded by
> >medical conditions.....while attempting parental controls would
> certainly
> >aggravate this; often the cause is medically related.
> >Susan, been-there-and-done-that with a child.....and no, "control"
> is not
> >in anywayshapeorform part of my or my partners parenting philosophy.
>
> I hope you didn't think that Pam was saying that *all* childhood
> constipation is caused by control, only that overly strict toilet
> training
> *can* cause serious constipation. Obviously there are a lot of
> reasons for
> a child becoming seriously constipated.
> Tia
>
> Tia Leschke leschke@...
> On Vancouver Island
As the daughter of an extremely controlling mother I can say that many
years of constipation can be a result for the child. This is my
personal experience. As an adult, my bowel movements are just fine
(LOL). I have kept my distance from my mother for many years. I find I
do much better emotionally and physically (in that order!).
Please note: In no way would I ever suggest that constipation is only
caused by parental control issues. I'm sure there are many different
medical reasons that would cause constipation. One reason, I have
personal experience with. One of my sons is a Juvenile Diabetic.
Constipation is a sign of dehydration which is a sympton of Juvenile
Diabetes. Once the diagnosis was made, on his first birthday, and he
started his insulin injections, his constipation went away. So, my
advice to any parent whose child suffers from constipation is to have
that child's blood sugar tested immediately. Juvenile Diabetes is a
serious hereditary disease which should not be ignored.
Mimi
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> It is the answers which separate us, the questions which unite us. -
> Janice
> Levy
>
>
>
>
>
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