Joseph Fuerst

Thanks everyone who offered 'food for thought' in regard to my neglectful
neighbor'!

lovemary:
you wrote that you know some 10 yr olds can be left alone. I agree that
some are mature enough to handle this. My oldest is not yet 10, but we've
started talking about what her parameters would be when she is old enough
to be left for short time periods.

This boy, however, had no idea when his father would return, had no way
to contact him in an emergency, did not know his mother's cell number (she
was out of town anyway), and his father had not notified any neighbor to be
a backup in case of emergency...or in case of anything...like needing to use
a bathroom!

Nance:
You are on the same page with me in needing to vant about this! I was
FUMING angry!! And wanted to sort it out before acting....and wanted to
make sure the child is toip priority.....ands wanted to maintain a positive
relationship with him.

We have lived behind them for almost 10 years, so I've known him almost his
whole life. And I have seen his parents struggle all along. His father is
a heavy drinker...well, let's not mince this...he's an alcoholic. His mom
works 2nd shift about 4 nights/week. She is in big-time denial and talking
to her has never helped in the past. I had a 'little run-in' with the Dad
a few weeks ago because his sons play here at least five out of 7
days/week....they don't ever call, just show up on the street (So dad can
say, well, I never sent them to your house, just your street.) I've had
to drop his kids off with him, knowing he's asleep on the couch (in early
evening or afternoon, anytime) but he's 'asleep' from drunkenness. I have
seen this neglect get worse over time.

I have an attatchment to the kids...I think foster care would not be a good
life....I feel the father would retaliate (against several neighbors if he
couldn't figure out who called), and I fear this. And I know how difficult
it is for social services/CPS workers to be able to get evidence,
especially of neglect. The son would be called a liar by his father and the
social worker would not have anything clear to go on, and the boy's
confusing world would probably become more so.

Samantha said:
> > So I might connect up with the Mom when she gets back
> > and say. Your son got locked out of the house when you
> > were out of town. I would be happy to keep an xtra key
> > for the kids so they can get in the house when they
> > get locked out. Build a connection if you feel up to
> > it. That's what community is about isn't? It's what I
> > would hope I would have the courage to do.
> >
I thank you for your calm, reasonable approach, which is the path I usually
prefer. As I stated earlier, the mom is not reasonable to talk with since
she's deeply entrenched in the ruse of denial...about the neglect,
abuse(?), the drinking. I know he at least abuse her verbally, it's
horrible to see and hear..who knows what else may happen behind closed
doors? Several neighbors do tend to 'watch out' for the kids....it's a
balancing act......trying to figure out what's best for the family. Would a
call to CPS wake them up? I wish I knew it would, I'd do it. My immediate
'feeling' was to lock that dad up and hope he's removed....but it was a
visceral response.
OTOH, someone asked me how I'd feel if something happens to one of the kids
while he's neglecting them.


From Nance:
> Sounds likes a better solution to me. Or something to let her know that
this
> went on and you are available to help in some small way.
>
> Unfortunately, this is not that uncommon a situation.
>
> My recent encounter: A young boy (I though 6 or 7 yo, turned out he was 8
> (but he had to think about it!)) came to the door selling that school
> fundraiser stuff (notice my ladylike restraint). Alone!!!!
>
> It was one of the half-days of ps.
>
> In our first encounter I asked where his Mom or Dad were -- "Oh, Dad's at
> work until 6:00 and Mom's at work too." OK -- half day of school. He's
> alone until 6:00, from 1:00 on. This was about 1:30 -- he could have been
> missing until 6:00 before anyone even knew!
>
> Ack. I did the wrong thing and told him to come back.
>
> I should have just had him wait out on the front deck.
>
> I called the school. No, he was not supposed to be selling door to door.
> But, no, it was not the school's problem and there wasn't anything they
could
> do about it. "Well, the first words out of his mouth are that he's
selling
> this stuff for XYZ School." No matter.
>
> So, he came back and I had him sit down out on the front deck and gave him
a
> good talking-to. And he "Yes ma'am"-ed me and seemed to be heading in the
> direction of his house. From what I gathered about 5-6 blocks away. He
also
> claimed that nobody had ever told him that he shouldn't be going up to
> strangers' homes or that he shouldn't be out by himself. He was 8 -- and
> little -- I could have picked him up under one arm!
>
> Hope he made it home. Should I have taken him home? Who knows what I
could
> have been in trouble for in that case. But it seemed wrong to send him
off
> alone.
>
> I think the school is at fault for pumping these little kids up about the
> trinkets they can win for selling enough of this junk. And the parents
are
> at fault too.
>
> But, as the school's assistant prin told me, this is not an uncommon
thing.
>
> Vent over!
>
> Nance
>
>

[email protected]

When the kids a bit older, if you're still neighbors, you might want to
consider hooking him up with AlaTeen (he doesn't need to be a teen), which is
an AlAnon group for kids. It gives them a head start on realizing this
drinking is not their doing, that they're not the only one in that situation,
and ways to feel better (and not to waste their time and energy trying to
"fix" the drunk).

Sandra